Revenant

Chapter 1

I awoke hovering over my supine body from a height of about six feet. I was confused by a simultaneous sensation of tranquility and fear. The face below me showed an ironic smile playing across its wide lips. It was my face; I didn’t share that frame of mind. The old scars and other imperfections were at odds with the natural grace of my repose. I didn’t remember looking that old when I’d last seen myself. Some indescribable spark was missing. I sensed that nothing had changed in the physical world. I was lying on the same red velveteen couch, on the porch inside the screened lanai that been my evening sanctuary for years. Outside I heard the tree frogs boisterous croaking. Big winged cicadas trilling the night symphony had enlivened my dreams as long as I could remember. The tropical night sang out in an impossible vibration that only certain humans and dogs could hear. I was surrounded with sweet fragrance. The scent of a   nocturnal jasmine hedge brought out the big moths and the tiny chirping bats that hunted them.

Trade winds whispered suggestively as they slipped over a clutch of thick jungle around my little house. I loved the repititous sound of shorebreak in the distance. The humidity was so thick I could lick the scent of flowers off my fingertips.

If only life was that simple I thought vacantly.

I remembered my elevated position. I wondered if I was mired in a dream. I’d had lucid dreams most of my life and sometimes found myself waking up in strange places not knowing if I was conscious or still asleep. The experience sometimes left me feeling drunk and withdrawn. I shook myself like a wet dog and turned this situation over in my mind. Nothing I did woke me or changed my strange state. Was this real? I had entered a twilight world that existed outside my physical body. I floated just below the sagging ceiling panel. I had meant to fix the roof after last years heavy rains had intruded, but hadn’t found the time. I was never much good at fixing things and found that I was easily drawn away whenever these manual annoyances demanded my attention.

Did I really look like that? I cast around for answers but imagined only scattered images forming up as if I was standing on a grand stage watching a theater begin to play around me. It was odd that I was the only actor. This body had treated me well though I had not always reciprocated. I thought that perhaps my mind was breaking apart like shattering glass.

Was this what it was like to go insane? I wondered.

It seemed that I had merged with a flowing river of energy. It was like an undulating curtain, lifting and rolling in the cosmic sea. I remembered seeing the Aurora Borealis when I was young and it had looked like this. A whirlwind of vaguely familiar images swept around me. There was no beginning and no end to the colourful stream. I stood in awe and fascination, unable to comprehend what was happening. I rationalized that the confines of the room I was in were merely a construct my mind was trying to intellectualize. My existence within an altered state of consciousness was not new to me but I had always thought that it was impossible outside my dream world. In the past I had dismissed my experiences of altered consciousness as a defect in my mind too bizarre to be real. Out of the ether a presence joined me; it felt like an old friend had dropped by.

* * * * *

Chapter 2

I had never known a fear of death. It wasn’t visceral fear I was experiencing. I wasn’t sure I was dead now or floating in the astral plane as I had done many times before. This world was divided from the astro-physical universe I knew from past experience. I had always explained it away as a dreams or hallucination in the past. I had travelled the spirit world in various forms many times, back to my childhood. But I had never felt comfortable admitting the knowledge to myself or anyone else. There had always been parts of my mind that frightened me. I never fully understood the relationship of my physical reality, time, the experiences of the ethereal world and the presence of the spirit guides. I had always been aware that another presence in my life had been by my side. I had told my wife Katarina about the visions I’d witnessed. I felt embarrassed and insecure talking to anyone about my experiences. She was my only confidant when it came to plumbing the recesses of my soul.

In secret I had come to realize that there are many planes of existence; and that the space my body occupied was incidental and impermanent. I hid my secret with a sprinkling of white sand in the soles of my shoes. I could transport myself to safety whenever life became unbearable. But this was different; this state of being had a substance I had not previously experienced. I was fully conscious and understood the altered state I had entered. I was not floating drunkenly between the two worlds. I was alive and sentient outside my physical realm. I could pinch myself but without effect. Knowing this didn’t offer any answer why my body and mind had separated. Why was my awareness of the next dimension was so hyper acute? The spirit being who had appeared beside me spoke for the first time,

Have you found what you were looking for? He asked calmly as if we were continuing an old conversation.

Yes, I think so, I sighed. It’s been a long journey, I feel tired today.

I thought I was speaking from my physical body because I looked so relaxed as I lay there. But I realized that the sounds I was making came from my mind.

Time meant nothing as I stood beside this ancient companion. I felt as if my being there was the most natural thing in the world. I found myself contemplating the myriad images that had begun forming, breaking apart and reforming in the swirling mist of scintillating energy surrounding us. There was no predictability in the movements of this energy wave. It was like looking at the sky and seeing faces in the clouds. It was a collection of fragmented emotional memories that I had experienced during the entirety of my lifetime. Many of the pictures hung together like strands of film rolling by in a spinning zoetrope making short segments of memory return to me, others were just shards of images standing alone like static photographs highlighting moments of fixation. I thought I was looking at eternity.

Each image was an individual portal, like a living tableau of some event in my life, separate from all the rest, a snippet of in time that needed its previous and subsequent history to be understood. Some of the memories were tinged with pain, but I felt in my heart that I had been forgiven. For the first time in my life I felt at peace with myself and that the universe that had given me back my life.

* * * * *

Chapter 3

Memories lay like animated flagstones at my feet, jostling for attention. The path towards my past was unending into the distance until the vanishing point became indistinct. I realized that I could see into the future, but the pathway quickly became fragmented and indistinct. The paths split into many variations as if the alternatives were all viable and dependant on the consequence of actions I had not yet taken but had the propensity to do if I chose or should random fate intervene. Each pathway into the future was clouded, fading quickly from view into a mist. The impressions were not yet burned into the fabric of time.

In the future I saw myself walking, my hands were pushed deep into the pockets of a comfortable sweater that I often wore. My shoulders were hunched over as if in deep thought. I knew this path was merely an alternate reality that had not come to pass and may never do so. I saw my brow was deeply furrowed and my eyes downcast to the ground. It was a look I wore when angry and anxious. I saw that I had gone out without regarding the weather because I didn’t have proper shoes. What I had on was drenched and the wet was creeping up my pant legs in a dark stain. I felt wretched. That was when I knew that I was that man.

I didn’t know why I had found myself in that circumstance. The future of my actions seemed vague as I walked further along the path. The way narrowed as I proceeded. I was going to run out of room to walk as the future became less certain. Behind me, in the past, I saw clearly. Turning back I felt instantly more comfortable as if I’d returned home. The future seemed to hold nothing for me. My ghostly companion stood by my side. His eyes were closed as if in deep contemplation. The closer I looked at his form the more indistinct he became. I knew what I had to do and that was to reconcile my life before I became that lonely man walking along a desolate shore for eternity. He nodded as if he was following my thoughts.

Was it always you that I felt? I asked my companion.

I have always been with you, said the spirit. I thought of you as my guardian angel I said.

My presence can be explained in many ways, the angel answered.

"Have we been through this before?’ I asked again.

I have always been with you David said the spirit.

Images came into my consciousness I didn’t understand. The memories were tendrils of various emotional impressions that wound through my thoughts like gossamer floating in a weightless void. I began to think that the spirit was feeding the images to me through a power of his own. When I allowed my mind to receive what I was feeling the images expanded exponentially. Vistas of an unknown universe opened up around me. I felt very small. Why am I here? I asked.

I wanted a basis of understanding the nature of the universe that was opening up around me. How did I fit into this bizarre experience? Distant worlds existing in the farthest regions of the universe were no more than a hands length away from my face. I could see every detail of the space inside distant galaxies, down to the smallest creatures inhabiting planets within. I felt the emotional impressions inside their minds. I wasn’t flying at them as I thought I may have to in order to traverse such vast distances. There was no careening wildly through space at some incredible speed like Superman. It simply ‘was’, and denied any other explanation.

* * * * *

Chapter 4

The thought came to me that it was a willingness to open my mind that made the universe transparent and real for me. There was no order to the cosmos, only the random nature of my thoughts. It was my earthbound logic that had been the limitation that had kept me from flying off the surface of the planet. I had assumed that I existed in the physical world on the surface of my planet. I had always been taught that I should seek harmony with my consciousness. That was a mistake. The world could be any way I imagined it.

I suddenly realized that it was my unconscious mind that held the key to this universal understanding I sought. I had suppressed my natural being by allowing my conscious to dominate. My conscious mind I realized was like an irrational child who wanted no competition. I was living in a state of perpetual déjà vu. Everywhere I went, I had already been there. I turned to face my companion for the first time. I realized that I had never seen the face of the spirit that had been such an incredible part of my life. I had only felt his presence in times of need and confusion.

It was important for you to have come to this point, said the spirit.

I don’t understand, I said, feeling some hesitation.

I wanted to ask so many questions but found that thoughts disappeared from my mind as soon as I could formulate them. I felt as if my conscious was in the process of being swept clean. Old emotions were displaced by an onrush of defiant hope. My heart grew stronger.

David, look around you said the guardian l. The spirit swept his arm around directing his attention to the unfolding vastness of space around them.

There is a fabric that makes up the universe, he said.

Into that fabric is woven a delicate balance of positive and negative energy.

This duality has existed since the very beginning of time, the guardian angel said.

Do you understand now? he said.

Miraculously a stream of thoughts entered my mind pushing aside the mundane questions that had begun to worry my contemplation. The spirit seemed to understand and kept pushing waves of energy towards me as if bathing me clean of impurities.

Yes I finally replied.

A curtain had suddenly parted revealing a new vista that held no spatial reference.

* * * * *

Chapter 5

I was looking into the heart of the cosmos. My existence and every object in the universe was like a single cell in the bloodstream of a greater being that I couldn’t fathom the shape of. There was no end and no beginning. What I had momentarily thought of as confusion reformed into a sweeping impression of an immense universe that expanded and contracted on swirling strings of energy as if breathing along side a beating heart without definable character or method of control. It was pure chaos, in a state of random occurrence. It was like two huge butterflies wings swirling up and around in a perfect cycle. I thought of my own body and the trillions of microbes that inhabited every part of my flesh and bones. Could a sentient creation be rising out of the ooze somewhere inside me and asking himself where he stood in the universe? Was I the universal being that these trillions sought to understand? Was I floating on the eyeball or coursing through the intestines of another being?

What I saw existed outside my ability to understand but I felt no anxiety of its strangeness. My mind was at rest for the first time. I realized that I did not need to know the answer to every question. I did not have to supplant my ignorance with artificial gods. Existence was in fact a mystery. I could live within a state of not knowing without becoming insane.

The universe is separated into what you call good and evil, the spirit offered, seeing I was overwhelmed.

The universal forces of positive and negative energy are competing for dominance, naturally

Your people have interpreted this as a battle between otherworldly beings resembling yourself.

You mean God and the Devil? I said.

Yes, said the spirit.

That’s the way you have been taught to interpret these phenomena because of your peoples historical unwillingness to learn.

I contemplated this in silence. I was losing the concept of time or place in this new state of ‘not knowing’ that had suddenly thrust itself into my mind. None of that seemed to matter, although I felt as if I was swimming in a deep sea, the thought of the unknown lurking below me provoked fear in me as had the darkness provoked fear in my ancestors. My mind needed answers and there were none and yet I felt satisfied. I thought about what had been said to me. Each new thought energized an impulse which generated more images forming in the mist I imagined had surrounded me. At other times of my life I would have thought that I was losing my mind.

Why did I have to experience those things?

I referenced the ugly images that willed themselves into view representing the history of my childhood. These negative phantoms had invaded every conscious and subconscious thought of my entire life. I could not forget the horrors no matter how hard I tried. I had come down from the universe and back but the memories of violence clung to me and bit painfully. Each painful step had been dogged with the visions of the abuse and torture I had received at the hands of someone who should have loved but did not. No matter what I tried, even the deepest oblivion could not remove these haunting images from my every waking moment. Love was beyond my grasp.

I turned over memories like pages in a catalogue and offered up each image to the spirit companion. We contemplated the images as if we had shared them as one thought in the same mind. I became aware that I had come into physical contact with the spirit. I became merged with his spirit energy as if being absorbed into his nature. We cried together as I Iet go of my past. The last vestiges of hurtful emotion tore shreds of flesh from me as the cleansing spirit purged me clean and the past tumbled away into eternity. At first it was an uncomfortable feeling as another being became an intimate part of me. It was also vaguely creepy to feel the unusual sensations of being so close to another aside from my great love Katarina. I didn’t have the emotion structure to be comfortable with any of my fellow beings and rejected their company because of it. Loneliness had been my only companion for so many years that I had developed my life around that circumstance. The sharing together of energies was almost embarrassing for me, like undressing for a stranger. The spirit spoke and broke through my self conscious introspection.

Nothing else would have forced you to escape out into the world,

Only you among the billions of others I have witnessed and nurtured had the energy to exist when others would have failed.

You are unique in so many ways David.

The angel replied as if understanding my acute pain.

David, I want you to tell your story in every detail he said flatly.

Why, I asked.

Because only by exposing the dark energy to a cleansing of light and the positive energy you call love can we weaken those dark strands that tie people to their pain and suffering.

Love will bind them into the fabric of the universal life-force for good he said.

My forgiveness is what you want? I said with sudden understanding.

The idea came to me like a bright flash going off inside my mind.

That and your love are the most powerful forces in the universe David agreed the angel.

He was smiling benevolently at me as if he was happy that I was following along. If he was playing with me, I thought, I was happy to be his puppet. Everything about this idea seemed wonderful. I had sought to release myself of the burden I had carried my entire life. I had only managed to fight the pain into a negotiated surrender and never the total freedom that I eagerly wanted.

Strangely, the streaming nebulous energy around me began to swirl, rolling into a series of recognizable scenes, tailing end to end like stiff soldiers on parade and waiting for inspection.

The energy formed loops and began binding together. I recognized scenes I had long forgotten and suppressed for the sake of my sanity. I had wished them away by several means and many of those had repercussions of their own.

How do I begin to tell the story of my life? I asked vacantly.

Begin at the beginning answered the spirit being.

That’s always best he said.

The spirit companion took on the form of a tall man of indeterminate age. His features were indistinct and could have been the face of any man. He looked like everyone and no one at the same time. He was dressed like a contemporary of the body below as it lay on the chaise lounge beneath us. For some reason I was drawn to reach down through the misty layer that separated us from him. I wanted to touch a drifting wisp of steam which rose like a curling flame from a red ceramic teacup emblazoned by a sprawling Chinese dragon. My spiritual energy met the lip of the steaming cup. I felt myself float into a reverie transporting me back to the very beginning of my life. A second spirit manifested beside the first. They stood silently looking down at the man, each knowing that the future of mankind was not assured without him.

* * * * *

Chapter 6

I felt the hot sun falling on my skin. Incredibly, I was looking through the eyes of a child. I was a ranging specter above and below the earth as if I was part of every element in the universe. I could take the shape of anything, and merged at will with whatever caught my eye. I hung onto the smallest things. I savored the dry air and tasted the excited breath of the blond child I had become. Hot blood was coursing through my veins; it was strange and intensely fascinating. My previous experiences in the dream world had been as a passive observer. I was now a participant, existing like a second layer of flesh under the child’s own. I wasn’t sure if he was aware of me. How could he not be? I realized that perhaps I had been born with a distracted mind and that was what had given sanctuary to my constant confusion. I had always been visited by strange thoughts. Perhaps the child recognized me as just another phantom in his pantheon.

I watched the scene from inside a gust of quickening wind pacing across the long blades of squaw grass and yellow broom. Desiccated leaves hissed angrily at a sudden disturbance like rattle snake tails had been hung in the trees. I focused on the actions of the child; my heart began to race along with his. Something exciting and wonderful was about to happen. A rush of adrenalin shot through me. I felt the earth begin to shake under my feet. The dry broken grass poked into the soles of my bare feet prickling, making me dance from foot to foot. A vibration shot through as if we were being displaced from where we stood by an electric current suddenly flashing under the dry red earth. The world rumbled and shook. I heard thin glass dishes begin to rattle on the rack in the kitchen of the small house behind us.