Afghan Journal: A Soldier's Year in Afghanistan

INTRODUCTION

I cannot call myself a hero. I am not a hero. I may not be a hero, but I certainly am a Soldier. Perhaps even a better than average Soldier, but at least an average Soldier for my paygrade as a senior NCO.

While I may not be a hero, I can write about what it’s been like to have been an average Soldier, going through what a lot of other Soldiers like me have encountered, endured, and experienced during America’s ongoing War on Terror. Most Soldiers today are fighting in Iraq, but the Global War on Terror started in Afghanistan, where we are still fighting the Taliban and al Qaeda, the organizations that collaborated to initiate attacks against the United States.

I spent a year in Afghanistan, working with Afghan security forces fighting against the Taliban. I volunteered for this mission, believing it was important to do so. During my deployment, I kept a journal of my experiences, thoughts and feelings. This is my journal.

This book is a collection of pieces I have written over the period of my deployment in Afghanistan, supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. It begins while I am still at home in suburban Chicago, shortly before being mobilized. To understand my outlook as a writer and a volunteer Soldier, it’s best to understand a bit about my personal background.

I joined the Marine Corps in 1975, right after I graduated from high school. 1975 was the end of the Vietnam War, and I felt strongly (like many young men and women at the time) that war was wrong, and I was glad to see the Vietnam conflict end. So why would I join the Marine Corps? The simple answer is that I had no other way to pay for college, and the GI Bill looked like it was the best way to get me where I wanted to be. The Marines simply had a two-year enlistment, and the recruiter told me I probably would get picked to go into a more technical MOS. He was wrong – the Marines made me a cook (which was still better in my opinion to being a grunt or Infantry!).

After two years in the Marines, I got out and went to college. During my first year at Ohio State, I found the GI Bill didn’t give me quite enough money, so I joined the Navy Reserves. My father had been in the Navy Reserves for as long as I was alive, and I stayed on in the Navy Reserves for 26 years, advancing from Petty Officer Third Class to Senior Chief. To be honest, I never expected to stay that long when I joined at age 20.

The first Gulf War, for the liberation of Kuwait, found me at home, watching from the sidelines. I was in an anti-submarine warfare unit, and there wasn’t much need for anti-submarine warfare against the Iraqi Army, nor did they need my culinary expertise very much. By 2001, I was ready to retire.

September 11, 2001 changed everything for me. I remember I was working at home for AT&T in my civilian job, and we were on a conference call at 8:00 AM Central time. Shortly after the call began, one of the managers on the teleconference said that there had been a crash at the World Trade Center, and suggested we terminate the call. We all agreed, and I went over and turned on the TV to see what had happened. I spent the rest of the day with my eyes glued to the TV set, crying. I was numb, grief-stricken thinking about all those people who had suddenly died. I still carry those memories with me today.

My thoughts of retiring from the Navy Reserves ended right then. I decided to keep drilling, and even asked if I could be put to duty somewhere in an active duty status. I was told I wasn’t someone who they could use at the time, so I continued to drill, focusing on training Sailors who may eventually have to go into harm’s way. I was put in charge of training new recruits who had joined the Navy Reserves with no prior military experience. Two of the Sailors I trained were later sent to Iraq and earned medals for doing their job well. One of them was put in charge of Active Duty Sailors while there.

The Navy Reserves has a policy of how long a Reservist can drill and still get paid for drilling. I exceeded the time I could drill and get paid, but I continued to drill one weekend a month with no pay to support the cause. I reconsidered my decision to retire, and put in paperwork to retire from the Navy Reserves.

The month before my retirement became official, I saw a news article at the Reserve Center during the drill weekend. The article told how seven Navy Reserve Sailors lost their lives in Iraq in a single day, all from the same unit. Again I changed my mind and postponed my retirement. I continued to drill without pay for another year, and again volunteered to go. Again I was told I was not needed. I decided that if the Navy didn’t need me, perhaps the Army did. I went and talked to a National Guard recruiter, who told me the Army National Guard would be happy to take me. When I told him I was interested in deploying overseas, he told me I likely would go, and soon.

I joined the Illinois Army National Guard at age 48 - I had served for over 28 years as a Naval Reservist, and I transferred into the Guard in May 2005, taking an administrative reduction in paygrade from E-8 (Senior Chief) to E-7 (Sergeant First Class). I began to drill at an armory close to my home, where I was trained as a Communications Systems Specialist (25U MOS), taking advantage of my 14 years of civilian experience at AT&T. I finished training in July 2006, a little over a year after I joined.

I asked my Commander about volunteering to serve in Iraq or Afghanistan almost as soon as I joined. After my training began, I forgot about volunteering, and focused on learning about the Army and my specific specialty. (The Army is different from the Navy, and I had a lot to learn!) When he approached me late in the summer of 2006, I was a bit surprised that he had remembered, and I agreed to be considered for a unique mission in Afghanistan.

The U.S. Army had been training the Afghan National Army for more than two years. This mission had originally been with Army Special Forces. My name had been submitted as one of several Illinois National Guard members who would go to Afghanistan to continue this mission.

I was concerned about my ability to do this – after all, I had limited experience with the Army, and barely knew my new MOS. Now I was being asked to train Afghan Soldiers, and would act as a trainer, mentor and expert on Army affairs for them. I had to ask myself if I would be competent to be effective. I decided that I would let the Army decide – if they chose me for the mission, then it must be for a reason, and they must have some confidence in me that I lacked.

My fate was sealed when I learned that I was the only person who had volunteered for the specific grade and MOS I held! There were other 25U SFCs, but I was the only one that had bothered to volunteer. I was asked if I would go. I could have said no, but this would have meant my earlier volunteering was disingenuous. I agreed to go if they wanted me.

I told my wife and children I was going to have to go to Afghanistan for a year. They were concerned but supportive, especially my wife. I have been very proud of her support for me during this time – she knew how important it was for me; I considered it a matter of personal integrity, and she understood. Of course, she wasn’t happy about it, but she understood she was supporting me in my decision to fight something I considered evil – terrorism in the name of religion.

We made our preparations for my being away: wills were prepared, our bank accounts were updated, power of attorney forms were signed. I talked to the principals of the schools where our children went, and explained the situation and asked for their help. I resigned as a volunteer leader from church boards and Boy Scouts. I was going to be missed, not only at home, but also in my community. Others would have to step in for me.

Speaking of my church community, I had been a Sunday School teacher for years, and had taught all ages, from elementary school to junior and senior high to adult classes. I enjoyed this immensely, and had taught adult classes on Christianity and Islam, as well as some other courses. Years ago I had studied at a local seminary, and I used this training to create my own classes. The seminary experience led me to a life of studying both my own faith (Christianity) as well as other religions, and I had come to believe that God can speak to us from more than just the Bible.

From my experience teaching Sunday School, I had developed some curriculum for leading adult classes, and had made these lessons available online via my own website. In the course of this business, I had discovered Rev. Charles Henderson’s GodWeb web site, and had communicated with him a few times. When he found I was being deployed to Afghanistan, he asked me to write about my experiences and e-mail articles to him to post on his web site. I agreed to do this, and thus this book was born.

Operational security prevents me from divulging too many details in my writings – we are still at war against radical Islamic forces in Afghanistan, and they may use any details I provide against our troops. So please excuse me for omitting some specifics such as names, places, and the capabilities of US or Afghan forces. While this may make my writing more general and at times vague, it is in the interest of those who are still fighting over there, still in harm’s way.

The following is my journal.

October 4, 2006

A week and a half ago, I was notified by the Illinois National Guard that I was being assigned to a team of soldiers being mobilized to go to Afghanistan.  To be honest, I was surprised, and caught off guard - I didn’t expect it.  But then, anyone in the National Guard these days can’t really be expected to be totally surprised at the prospect of being sent overseas; it seems like almost everyone will be sent sooner or later.  Apparently it’s my turn now.

Let me begin with a brief introduction.  My name is Jeff Courter.  I’m a 49-year-old father of three, living in the south suburbs of Chicago.  I live in a wonderful neighborhood, with the best school district in the area.  I had been in the telecommunications industry for many years, but recently started my own business venture. For the most part I have been very active in my community: church elder and Sunday School teacher, Boy Scout leader, volunteer at a local homeless program, and somewhat active with the school PTO.  A pretty average good guy.  And a member of the National Guard.  More on that later.

My wife is unhappy about my having to go, understandably.  Her job will be harder than mine - she will suddenly become a de facto single parent, and will have to be sole manager and decision-maker of the house.  I have been away for 2-3 weeks at a time in years past, but never for this long.  It will be difficult for her.  I’ve got the easy part - I just show up, and do what I’m told.  Her part will be more complicated.

In a very real sense, we are both in this together.  When the National Guard called me up, she became part of the support team.  The military has long valued the military family, and military families share much more with each other than most communities.  They help each other and rely on each other, because they need each other.  However, most Reservists don’t share this experience, because their military affiliation is part-time.  While the Reservists themselves may share the camaraderie and sense of community, their families usually remain entrenched in the normal civilian world.  Only disruptions such as a parent being mobilized thrust Reservist families into the world usually shared by other military families.

So my first thoughts on hearing I was being activated were feelings of concern for my wife and children: who will help them?  Who will be there for them?  Then came feelings of regret: all the family times I will miss, the birthdays, holidays, vacation time, the laughter, the hugs, the family jokes, the I love you’s.  I will miss all this a lot, I regret to say.

But I am not afraid.  My life has been full, and I am not afraid to leave this world if it happens.  I know my family would be devastated if I am killed, so I will keep my head down and not make myself a target, but if the worst comes, I am ready.  As a Sunday School teacher, I have taught others about what we believe the next world holds for us, and I am prepared in my faith.

I will have plenty of time to think about all these things in the few weeks ahead before I go.  But now, I must plan.  Is my will up to date?  What about the bills?  I plan to have my military pay directly deposited into my checking account, which is a joint account for me and my wife.  I need to set up electronic payments for our mortgage and utilities.  I need to order more new checks.  I need...I need... the list goes on.  Insurance, powers of attorney, organizing important papers, next year’s taxes...besides the looming prospect of what lies ahead of me, I wrestle with what day-to-day concerns will lay behind me.  It’s a bit overwhelming.  When I allow myself to think about it, the emotions swell inside.  I stuff the thoughts back down inside my head, and focus on the details of the growing to-do list.  If I get most of it done, the rest will hopefully take care of itself.  There’s a lot to do, and time’s not waiting. 

Forward march!

October 7, 2006

There is an old saying in the military, Hurry up and wait!  Well, it got to be an old saying for a reason - there’s a lot of waiting, but when things happen, they happen in a hurry.  I’ve just been told my deployment has been set back to November 21, and the Colonel in charge of our team said he will have us stay until after Thanksgiving.  So my family will have me around for another month before I go.

I’m still doing the day-to-day activities I normally do: go to work, help with household chores, chauffeur kids to activities, and the myriad other things that go on in the lives of most parents.  But there’s an urgency now that was absent a few weeks ago - I know a specific day is coming when I won’t be doing these things.  I must prepare my family to take over many of the things I routinely do, such as mowing the lawn, doing minor repair work, keeping things organized, and all the things I do as a husband and father.  There are repairs to schedule before I go, such as cleaning out the sewer lines, fixing the toilet, repairing the garage door, and other things I don’t want to leave lingering while I’m away. I’m a pretty busy guy.

I now have some empathy for anyone on Death Row – those guys know that on a certain day, off in the future, their routine days will end.  No, I’m not talking about dying, but on November 21, my routine will end as well, and that day hangs over me, now firmly embedded in the back of my mind.  Nothing routine can be routine anymore.  Whatever enjoyment can be had from each moment must be sucked dry.  Every minute counts.  Before, if the kids wanted to do something and I had some work to do, I might have put them off until later.  Not now - I cannot afford to lose another opportunity to spend time with my family.  I will pay someone to do the housework, if necessary.  I must spend the time I can with my family.

I’m sure that as my mobilization date gets closer, it will loom larger in my mind.  I will become even more anxious to spend quality time with my family, and more anxious to make sure they know what to do in an emergency.  I will test and retest communication systems to be able to keep in touch.  I will pray more often.  I will likely laugh more and even cry more.  As the day approaches, each moment will be a treasure.

Today is our normal day to do laundry, a chore I often perform.  Today I will make the children take on this task, not because I feel lazy, but because I will not be available to perform this task in the near future.  They have to get used to the weekly routine without me participating. They have to grow. It will be difficult for them.

In many ways, my being away will be an opportunity for my family to mature and stretch themselves.  I have spoken to my children about the need for them to become more and more like adults.  Their mother will rely on them in ways she doesn’t have to right now.  They will each have to become more self-reliant.  I will not be there to push, prod, cajole, intimidate, bribe, wheedle, tease or otherwise influence them to do the things adults must do to become successful.  Their mother, of course, will continue to exert as much influence as she can in their lives.  She will become their rock, their refuge, their motivation.  I will try as I can while I am away, but e-mail only goes so far to motivate a young person.

All these things will come.  Today, I handle the normal routine by teaching my children to do the laundry and the other chores that need to get done.  These chores will be the part they will play as I go to play my part in our ongoing conflict abroad.

The time is short.  There is so much to do.  Every minute counts more and more.

October 10, 2006

Dad, why do you have to go?  Couldn’t they send someone else?

A fair question, coming from my youngest daughter’s mouth.  It’s difficult for her to understand why her father will be sent to a country far away for a year, while she feels she needs him at home.  Of course, every daughter, son, wife, husband, mother, father, sibling, or even in-law could ask the same question.  For the thousands of Soldiers, Sailors, Marines and Airmen who have gone already, and for those who did not return, it’s a question that deserves an answer - not just from the government who sent them, but from those who elected to go by volunteering to join.

Today’s military is an all-volunteer force.  President Nixon started it, and every president since has seen the wisdom of maintaining a professional military comprised of those who want to be in it.  Vietnam showed our country that demanding citizens go and fight when they did not want to was a poor policy.  This is not the case today.  Every man and woman who proudly wears their uniform has chosen to do so.  Including me.

I chose to wear this uniform because I believe that our current conflict is against a truly evil ideology. Anyone who fights in the name of God and kills those who will not submit to them is an oppressor, and in my theology, God is on the side of the oppressed. It is my duty to help those who cannot help themselves, and my duty to oppose evil which is perpetrated in the name of God, who is holy and good.

I do not believe that the zealots who perpetrated the horrible terrorist acts against our country will stop unless they are defeated.  These people hate us.  They have hated us for a long time, and their hatred will not stop.  Nor is their hatred confined to our country - they seem to hate everyone that does not acquiesce to their ideas of how the world should be run.  They even kill those who profess to belong to their own religion.  And they kill innocents - not just civilians, but women and children.  Their ideology is brutal, on a level with Attila the Hun and Adolph Hitler.  They are murderers.

Many papers, books and treatises have been written about what might constitute a just war. St. Augustine wrote about it, shortly after Christianity became the official religion of the Roman Empire. Augustine wrote that such a war must be fought for a good and just purpose, not for selfish gain, with love being central to the motivation for war (an ironic twist, perhaps, to our way of thinking of war today!). 

Other theologians have spoken out in support of the just war concept, including Rheinhold Neibuhr, the German theologian who urged the United States to get involved in World War II.  My personal favorite as far as just war apologists is Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a Lutheran pastor who threw in his lot with the small German resistance movement in World War II.  Bonhoeffer saw Nazism as evil, and decided to fight against it.  He was part of a conspiracy to kill Hitler, and was arrested, tried by the Nazis, and executed for treason.  He was 41 at the time of his death.

When should we take up arms against our fellow human beings?  Only when we have no other choice: when other human beings kill and continue to kill those who cannot defend themselves.  This is our moral imperative - to fight for the oppressed.

In Abraham Lincoln’s time, our country was divided between those who considered slavery a moral outrage and those who claimed it as a right and law.  Lincoln himself was ambivalent at first, but then decided slavery was immoral.  However, the Civil War ultimately decided the issue, and now slavery is seen as an abuse of powerless persons, not only in this country, but across the globe.

Often, war changes how humanity sees itself.  From the throes of the Civil War, America decided slavery was wrong.  The war silenced any opposing voices, and now, it is almost universally felt that slavery was never right to begin with.  But like all wars, the Civil War took a heavy toll of lives in this country.

War is often unjust, even when fighting for a just cause.  The Allies killed hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians in Germany and Japan, including women and children.  It was considered the price that must be paid to win.  However, today the United States is taking greater pains to reduce what is called collateral damage in terms of civilian losses.

Military decisions now are based on more than simple strategic considerations.  It may be more expedient to simply kill off anyone who might be suspected of collaborating with the enemy, but this tactic erases the moral high ground, and leads to creating even more enemies to take the place of the ones killed. Often, what seems to be most expedient is the poorest choice of action.  Good leaders make good decisions, and our military needs leaders who choose what is right over what is expedient. 

So I am committed to going, because I believe it is necessary.  I hope I am doing the right thing.  I hope I am the kind of person who will make good decisions while there, and that the results of our actions will make something positive in the world.

October 15, 2006

Last week I was listening to NPR (National Public Radio).  I heard a news report of a memorial service in Missouri for a National Guard soldier who was killed in Afghanistan.  He was 47 years old, just two years younger than me.  He left behind a wife and three children, like my family.  He was assigned duty with an Afghan Army battalion, and he was training them, just like I am going to be doing.

He was killed in a firefight - a small arms battle.  The Afghan Army unit he was with came under attack, and he became one of the casualties.

The NPR report talked about the memorial at his home town.  It made me shudder.  I, too, could come home in a flag-draped box.

The statistics favor my coming home safely.  Fortunately, most American soldiers return home more or less in the same physical condition as when they left.  Some do not - they come home with missing limbs, or with some bodily harm done to them.  Some come home under the flag, in a coffin.

The flag of the United States once used to be used in memorial services only for those killed in the service of our country.  It represented the idea that the soldier in the casket had given his or her life for their country, and the nation showed its respect in return by covering his or her remains.

A little while ago, a 52-year-old woman was killed in Iraq.  She became the oldest female soldier to die from hostile action.

This has been a very different kind of war.

October 24, 2006

I am troubled by questions, not simply as a Soldier, but also as a Sunday School teacher: Can a Christian morally support a war? What is the Christian concept of supporting our government? Is there any circumstance when a Christian should fight?

These are questions we Americans are allowed to ask and answer. Centuries ago, the Church and King would have provided the answers, and demanded obedience. The consequences of having any thoughts contrary to those of either one’s monarch or the Church would have been terribly severe.

The Bible itself says very little about government, with the exception of the Jewish state of the Old Testament. In fact, if we were to take the Bible as our model for government, we should all look for an anointed king to follow as our head of state. The result would be a strict theocracy, very similar to what the Muslims preach with their emphasis on Sharia law.

The concept of individual rights and freedoms is not found within the pages of the Bible, at least not explicitly stated. Instead, we see a very heavy emphasis on obedience and following moral rules. Jesus is quoted as having said his kingdom was not of this world at all, and his followers were chastised in the Gospels for any aspirations towards governing in this world. So much for a model to follow!

So what do Paul and Peter say? Basically, they said to follow the laws of Rome - hardly a model we can emulate today. Rome was the government of the oppressor: the Jews of Israel were forced to submit to whatever the Romans demanded, as were the Christians of the first and second century. Shortly after the time of the Apostles, Rome began murdering Christians. The Church was seen as an enemy of the state.

So we cannot look to the Bible for clarification on a government which suits God here and now. We only see in scripture that the government God wants is the one coming in the future, when God remakes the world, with Himself as ruler of all. Any form of government short of this comes without any scriptural endorsement, and would therefore be a compromise at best or an idolatry at worst. This is the case even with our own government today.

Our founding fathers wanted individual citizens to be free to practice their own religion, as each sees fit, without intervention of government. Our own government may actually owe more of its basis to Enlightenment philosophy than to our Christian religion, as a matter of fact. From Socrates to Rousseau and Locke, philosophers have pondered and written more about what government should be and do than the Bible ever described. From these philosophers, we now have the concept that government exists for the protection of its citizens, and that those citizens have a vested interest in the type of government that they allow to govern them. The Bible says absolutely nothing about the consent of the governed, yet this is the keystone of the modern democratic state.

A civil society depends on everyone agreeing to live by the laws of their government for everyone’s benefit. So we owe something back to our government for providing the protection of our freedoms. This understanding goes all the way back to Plato, who went so far as to advocate forced service of all citizens for a time – his argument for a universal draft was that each citizen derives benefits from the State, and so should be compelled to serve it.

For most Americans, support of our government is primarily (and usually) in the form of money - we pay taxes to fund the benefits our government provides. Our government uses these taxes to hire some of our citizenry to guard us, protect us, teach us, and lead us. This service is voluntary, available to any interested citizen, including our military services.

Our military is not necessarily Christian or non-Christian; it is neutral, protecting both Christian and non-Christian Americans. It exists to defend the common interests of all citizens of this country against any enemies who would destroy us or seek to overtake or enslave us. This is the essence of our military duty: self-preservation. Yet once we have adequately prepared for our own self-defense, what should be our next military objective?

Our history as a nation shows an evolving sense of what Americans consider to be the moral use of our military, and this is important both to Christians who may serve in the military