Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On, A Twelve Step Guide to Divorce Recovery
By Micki McWade
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About this ebook
Borrowing the wisdom gained in the development of 12 Step Programs, Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On offers proven support. Micki McWade, LSMW adapts the best techniques, information and life lessons of established recovery programs to provide a concise and comprehensive pathway to a fulfilling life during the painful days of the divorce itself and the adaptive weeks and months that follow.
Micki McWade
Micki is a Collaborative Divorce coach, psychotherapist, parent educator and clinical social worker with a practice in New York that focuses on divorce issues. She works with matrimonial attorneys to help clients divorce with dignity as part of the interdisciplinary team model of Collaborative Divorce. She has an extensive background in divorce, having founded and developed the Twelve Step Divorce Recovery Group model which has been operating since 1993. She supervises Twelve Step Divorce Recovery groups and teaches Parents Apart classes, which help parents recognize and avoid the pitfalls of divorce for children. Micki is on the board of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals and co-chairs the Public Awareness committee. She is also on the executive committee of the Hudson Valley Collaborative Divorce Association. Micki has been on the faculty of numerous national conferences and her books include Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On: A Twelve Step Guide to Divorce Recovery, Daily Meditations for Surviving a Breakup, Separation or Divorce, and Healing You, Healing Me: A Divorce Support Group Leader’s Guide.
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Reviews for Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On, A Twelve Step Guide to Divorce Recovery
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Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On, A Twelve Step Guide to Divorce Recovery - Micki McWade
Advance praise
A Godsend for all those moving through the transition of divorce. This is a heartfelt and humane guide to healing through divorce, written with love and compassion.
Mel Schwartz C.S.W.
Psychotherapist and author of
The Art of intimacy, The Pleasure of Passion
"Micki McWade has written a powerful, straight-forward book which should prove to be an invaluable guide to those in divorce recovery and those wanting to start a group of their own. Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On is an easy-to-read book in which the 12-steps are artfully applied to divorce recovery. The exercises are well designed and the reader will find the first-hand accounts of group members especially helpful."
Pamela D. Blair, Psychotherapist & Director
Divorce Resource Network
Publisher, Surviving Divorce newsletter
Contributing Editor, Divorce NY / NJ Magazine
Micki McWade offers a practical guide through the treacherous terrain of divorce and its aftermath. Her book, a comprehensive resource and easily accessible companion for anyone going through divorce, provides the essential tools for building a new and better life. It should be required reading for all matrimonial attorneys and those whom they represent. I have read the book, I have attended the Recovery Group meetings and I have seen Micki McWade's tips and techniques work to bring those caught in the quagmire of divorce to a successful recovery—step by step.
Stephen G. Gordon, Esq.
Micki McWade artfully combines her experience, clear thinking, gentle humor and compassion with grace and creates the possibility of healing. I highly recommend you accept her invitation to recovery.
Linda Seaver, MPS, ATR
From the very first word, Micki McWade's warmth and wisdom reach past pain to provide comfort and clarity. As she walks beside the reader, telling her own story along the way, she guides one, unerringly, through the turmoil and grief that accompany divorce, to self-empowerment and peace. With straight-forward good sense she maps a clear and inviting path to recovery 'one step at a time.'
Barbara Marantz, Ph.D.
Psychologist
The 12 Steps and the power of the group allowed me to grow through a separation I neither wanted nor expected. Yes grow through, not go through. That growth and the tools for living the program provides are now helping me try to restore my marriage. Whether or not my husband and I succeed, the steps and the friendships I made in the group have given me the foundation for building a happier life.
Karla F.
Group Member
Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On
A Twelve Step Guide to Divorce Recovery
Micki McWade
* * * * *
Published by Micki McWade at Smashwords
Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On
A Twelve Step Guide to Divorce Recovery
Copyright 1999-2010 by Micki McWade
* * * * *
All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored, or transmitted any means without written permission from the publisher. Although every precaution hits been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher and author assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein. For more information contact: Micki McWade at mmcwade@me.com.
Reasonable care has been taken in the preparation of the text to insure its clarity and accuracy. The book is sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering professional service.
The author and publisher specifically disclaim any liability, loss or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.
With love to Meredith, Charlie, Megan and Joe
who walked the path with me.
Acknowledgments
The prayer that appears on page 25 is used with permission. From Illuminata by Marianne Williamson. Copyright 1995 by Marianne Williamson. Reprinted by permission of Random House, Inc.
I'm grateful to my Higher Power for the inspiration and continued support to write this book. I want to thank the women and men of Al-Anon who were my teachers and inspiration.
Thanks go to Elizabeth S., who was with me since the conception of our Divorce Recovery group, and who remains a constant support, friend and co-leader. To Sally F. who is always willing to lend a hand and has provided inspiration for many others who have come later.
Thanks to Risa Tabacoff, my therapist, who has been a valuable guide and healer to my family and me.
Thanks to all the members, past and present, of the St. Mark's Wednesday night meeting of the Twelve Step Separation/Divorce Recovery Group who have generously shared their insights, understanding and growth.
To my friend Joan Guthrie, who walked with me every day and listened, encouraged and supported me through the darkest times.
I am grateful to my mentors—Barbara Gordon and Barbara Marantz, for their support and to Thelma Jurgrau, my teacher at Empire State College, State University of New York, for her suggestions and encouragement on this project.
Love and thanks to Gary Ditlow for his support and belief in my ability to write this book.
Thanks to Chuck McWade, who never missed a support payment and provided financial stability so that, along with my job, I was able return to school and have the peace of mind to write.
Thanks to Gene Krackehl who encouraged me from the beginning and for his advice on the book design.
Thanks and admiration go to my editor, Brook Noel, whose expertise and flexibility made the process seem non-threatening and feel like fun—not an easy job. In addition, thank you to Sandy Beadle who was a tremendous help in getting the e-book version formatted, and to Bill O'Hanlon for his help and recommendations.
I wish to express appreciation to Pam Blair for her workshops, newsletters and continued support of the group. And to Melody Beattie for her book The Language of Letting Go, which has provided an important source of comfort and wisdom for both myself and many members of our group.
Contents
Introduction
Section One
Pathways Toward Healing
Chapter One
Understanding Divorce and the Road to Recovery
Chapter Two
Exploring the Twelve Step Recovery Program
Chapter Three
The Twelve Steps of Divorce Recovery
Section Two
The Twelve Steps of Divorce Recovery
Step One
Step Two
Step 'Three
Step Four
Step Five
Step Six
Step Seven
Step Eight
Step Nine
Step Ten
Step Eleven
Step Twelve
Tools for Recovery
Chapter Four
How to Create a Support Group
Chapter Five
Slogans and Quotes
Chapter Six
Tools for the Journey
Chapter Seven
Walking with Others: Stories of the Journey
Conclusion
Introduction
In the fall of 1990, I was feeling more fear than I had felt in my entire life. My husband and I were separating after 23 years—our whole adult lives. We had four children, a house, a dog and a cat. I had not worked full time since the children were born.
Before we were married, because of family illness, I lived at home with my mother. I hadn't gone away to college or lived on my own. Now I would be the only adult in the house and would be parenting four adolescents alone.
Aside from parental worries, I was almost paralyzed with fear about money. I was aware of how much one needed to keep a house going and provide for children. I knew I couldn't do it by myself. What if he took off? What if he didn't help me? Everyone had a horror story. You better get a good lawyer!
they said.
I remember going to the supermarket the day after my husband moved out and crying over the tomatoes. His favorite dinner was steak and salad, so I had cut up many a tomato in our time together. Memories flooded my mind and the grief was overwhelming. The marriage had been troubled for a long time but the breakup was far worse than I had anticipated.
Fortunately, at that time, I was a member of Al-Anon (a support group for families of alcoholics) and practicing the Twelve Steps. The Steps had a way of clarifying confusion, reducing turmoil and creating peace—albeit briefly in the beginning. When I awoke in the middle of the night with a feeling of dread, the Serenity Prayer allowed me to go back to sleep. When I got steamed up about what someone said or did, Step One reminded me about self-responsibility.
Spending time in an Al-Anon group inspired me to start a support group for separated and divorced people. I didn't want to be with anyone who would exacerbate my fear, whip up my hostility or increase my bitterness. I needed to be with people who understood that self-pity and blame would make things worse. I needed friends who were learning to be self-directed and self-reliant, so I invited separated and divorced Al-Anon people, and a few others who were interested in pursuing growth through this nightmare, to join me in a new Twelve Step meeting. On September 8, 1993, the Separation/Divorce Recovery Group was formed and on our fifth anniversary we had 65 members.
Friends and neighbors were surprised to see how well our divorce went. We helped each other when we could and avoided scenes. Our children went through some difficult times, but they are doing well today.
This book contains tools for your recovery tool bag. These ideas are helpful during the time of divorce and in constructing the rest your life as you go forward. They apply in the workplace, in relationships with children, with in-laws and (ex)spouses.
I hope that you will decide to find a group or start your own group of divorcing people to work with. Through shared experience you will gain the wisdom to handle your own situation with grace, dignity and peace.
My hope for you is that you will find strength and comfort within these Steps. They offer practical suggestions for getting through the tumult and minimizing long-term damage to you and your family. I wrote this book to tell you that you will survive a divorce. Not only will you survive, you will see that divorce is a gateway into your own potential.
CHAPTER ONE
Understanding Divorce and the Road to Recovery
It's no revelation that divorce is a traumatic event. Divorce deeply affects the individual who makes the decision and, of course, his or her spouse. The effects also radiate out into a much wider circle. First, divorce affects and traumatizes everyone in the immediate family; then it affects the couple's extended family and friends to varying degrees.
Divorce produces fear in all parties involved—the couple, their children, parents, siblings, and friends. Fear of change and fear of abandonment are present in everyone,