The Funniest People in Movies: 250 Anecdotes
By David Bruce
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About this ebook
This ebook contains 250 anecdotes about movies, including this one: Late in Peter Lorre’s career, after he had begun to make bad films, a fan wrote him, “I would love to be tortured by you.” Mr. Lorre wrote back, “You have been tortured enough by going to my pictures.”
David Bruce
I would like to see my retellings of classic literature used in schools, so I give permission to the country of Finland (and all other countries) to give copies of my eBooks to all students and citizens forever. I also give permission to the state of Texas (and all other states) to give copies of my eBooks to all students forever. I also give permission to all teachers to give copies of my eBooks to all students forever.Teachers need not actually teach my retellings. Teachers are welcome to give students copies of my eBooks as background material. For example, if they are teaching Homer’s “Iliad” and “Odyssey,” teachers are welcome to give students copies of my “Virgil’s ‘Aeneid’: A Retelling in Prose” and tell students, “Here’s another ancient epic you may want to read in your spare time.”Do you know a language other than English? I give you permission to translate any of my retellings of classic literature, copyright your translation in your name, publish or self-publish your translation (but do say it's a translation of something I wrote), and keep all the royalties for yourself.Libraries, download my books free. This is from Smashwords' FAQ section:"Does Smashwords distribute to libraries?"Yes! We have two methods of distributing to libraries: 1. Via library aggregators. Library aggregators, such as OverDrive and Baker & Taylor's Axis360 service, allow libraries to purchase books. Smashwords is working with multiple library aggregators, and is in the process of signing up additional aggregators. 2. On August 7, 2012, Smashwords announced Library Direct. This distribution option allows libraries and library networks to acquire and host Smashwords ebooks on their own servers. This option is only available to libraries who place large "opening collection" orders, typically in the range of $20,000-$50,000, and the libraries must have the ability to host and manage the books, and apply industry-standard DRM to manage one-checkout-at-a-time borrows."David Bruce is a retired anecdote columnist at "The Athens News" in Athens, Ohio. He has also retired from teaching English and philosophy at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio.SOME BOOKS BY DAVID BRUCERetellings of a Classic Work of Literature:Arden of Favorsham: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Alchemist: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Arraignment, or Poetaster: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Bartholomew Fair: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Case is Altered: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Catiline’s Conspiracy: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Devil is an Ass: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Epicene: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Every Man in His Humor: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Every Man Out of His Humor: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Fountain of Self-Love, or Cynthia’s Revels: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Magnetic Lady: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The New Inn: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Sejanus' Fall: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Staple of News: A RetellingBen Jonson’s A Tale of a Tub: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Volpone, or the Fox: A RetellingChristopher Marlowe’s Complete Plays: RetellingsChristopher Marlowe’s Dido, Queen of Carthage: A RetellingChristopher Marlowe’s Doctor Faustus: Retellings of the 1604 A-Text and of the 1616 B-TextChristopher Marlowe’s Edward II: A RetellingChristopher Marlowe’s The Massacre at Paris: A RetellingChristopher Marlowe’s The Rich Jew of Malta: A RetellingChristopher Marlowe’s Tamburlaine, Parts 1 and 2: RetellingsDante’s Divine Comedy: A Retelling in ProseDante’s Inferno: A Retelling in ProseDante’s Purgatory: A Retelling in ProseDante’s Paradise: A Retelling in ProseThe Famous Victories of Henry V: A RetellingFrom the Iliad to the Odyssey: A Retelling in Prose of Quintus of Smyrna’s PosthomericaGeorge Chapman, Ben Jonson, and John Marston’s Eastward Ho! A RetellingGeorge Peele: Five Plays Retold in Modern EnglishGeorge Peele’s The Arraignment of Paris: A RetellingGeorge Peele’s The Battle of Alcazar: A RetellingGeorge Peele’s David and Bathsheba, and the Tragedy of Absalom: A RetellingGeorge Peele’s Edward I: A RetellingGeorge Peele’s The Old Wives’ Tale: A RetellingGeorge-A-Greene, The Pinner of Wakefield: A RetellingThe History of King Leir: A RetellingHomer’s Iliad: A Retelling in ProseHomer’s Odyssey: A Retelling in ProseJason and the Argonauts: A Retelling in Prose of Apollonius of Rhodes’ ArgonauticaThe Jests of George Peele: A RetellingJohn Ford: Eight Plays Translated into Modern EnglishJohn Ford’s The Broken Heart: A RetellingJohn Ford’s The Fancies, Chaste and Noble: A RetellingJohn Ford’s The Lady’s Trial: A RetellingJohn Ford’s The Lover’s Melancholy: A RetellingJohn Ford’s Love’s Sacrifice: A RetellingJohn Ford’s Perkin Warbeck: A RetellingJohn Ford’s The Queen: A RetellingJohn Ford’s ‘Tis Pity She’s a Whore: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Campaspe: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Endymion, the Man in the Moon: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Gallathea, aka Galathea, aka Galatea: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Love's Metamorphosis: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Midas: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Mother Bombie: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Sappho and Phao: A RetellingJohn Lyly's The Woman in the Moon: A RetellingJohn Webster’s The White Devil: A RetellingJ.W. Gent.'s The Valiant Scot: A RetellingKing Edward III: A RetellingMankind: A Medieval Morality Play (A Retelling)Margaret Cavendish's The Unnatural Tragedy: A RetellingThe Merry Devil of Edmonton: A RetellingRobert Greene’s Friar Bacon and Friar Bungay: A RetellingThe Taming of a Shrew: A RetellingTarlton’s Jests: A RetellingThomas Middleton and Thomas Dekker’s The Roaring Girl: A RetellingThomas Middleton and William Rowley’s The Changeling: A RetellingThomas Middleton's A Chaste Maid in Cheapside: A RetellingThomas Middleton's Women Beware Women: A RetellingThe Trojan War and Its Aftermath: Four Ancient Epic PoemsVirgil’s Aeneid: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 5 Late Romances: Retellings in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 10 Histories: Retellings in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 11 Tragedies: Retellings in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 12 Comedies: Retellings in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 38 Plays: Retellings in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 1 Henry IV, aka Henry IV, Part 1: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 2 Henry IV, aka Henry IV, Part 2: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 1 Henry VI, aka Henry VI, Part 1: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 2 Henry VI, aka Henry VI, Part 2: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 3 Henry VI, aka Henry VI, Part 3: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s All’s Well that Ends Well: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s As You Like It: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Comedy of Errors: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Coriolanus: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Cymbeline: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Hamlet: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Henry V: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Henry VIII: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s King John: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s King Lear: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Love’s Labor’s Lost: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Macbeth: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Measure for Measure: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Othello: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Pericles, Prince of Tyre: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Richard II: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Richard III: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Tempest: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Timon of Athens: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Troilus and Cressida: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Two Gentlemen of Verona: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Two Noble Kinsmen: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Winter’s Tale: A Retelling in ProseChildren’s Biography:Nadia Comaneci: Perfect TenAnecdote Collections:250 Anecdotes About Music250 Anecdotes About Opera250 Anecdotes About Religion250 Anecdotes About Religion: Volume 2Be a Work of Art: 250 Anecdotes and StoriesThe Coolest People in Art: 250 AnecdotesThe Coolest People in the Arts: 250 AnecdotesThe Coolest People in Books: 250 AnecdotesThe Coolest People in Comedy: 250 AnecdotesCreate, Then Take a Break: 250 AnecdotesDon’t Fear the Reaper: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Art: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Books: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Books, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Books, Volume 3: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Comedy: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Dance: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families, Volume 3: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families, Volume 4: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families, Volume 5: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families, Volume 6: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Movies: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Music: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Music, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Music, Volume 3: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Neighborhoods: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Relationships: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Sports: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Sports, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Television and Radio: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Theater: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People Who Live Life: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People Who Live Life, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesMaximum Cool: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Movies: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Politics and History: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Politics and History, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Politics and History, Volume 3: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Religion: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Sports: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People Who Live Life: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People Who Live Life, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesReality is Fabulous: 250 Anecdotes and StoriesResist Psychic Death: 250 AnecdotesSeize the Day: 250 Anecdotes and StoriesKindest People Series:The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 1The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 2The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 3Discussion Guide Series:Dante’s Inferno: A Discussion GuideDante’s Paradise: A Discussion GuideDante’s Purgatory: A Discussion GuideForrest Carter’s The Education of Little Tree: A Discussion GuideHomer’s Iliad: A Discussion GuideHomer’s Odyssey: A Discussion GuideJane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice: A Discussion GuideJerry Spinelli’s Maniac Magee: A Discussion GuideJerry Spinelli’s Stargirl: A Discussion GuideJonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”: A Discussion GuideLloyd Alexander’s The Black Cauldron: A Discussion GuideLloyd Alexander’s The Book of Three: A Discussion GuideMark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: A Discussion GuideMark Twain’s The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: A Discussion GuideMark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court: A Discussion GuideMark Twain’s The Prince and the Pauper: A Discussion GuideNancy Garden’s Annie on My Mind: A Discussion GuideNicholas Sparks’ A Walk to Remember: A Discussion GuideVirgil’s Aeneid: A Discussion GuideVirgil’s “The Fall of Troy”: A Discussion GuideVoltaire’s Candide: A Discussion GuideWilliam Shakespeare’s 1 Henry IV: A Discussion GuideWilliam Shakespeare’s Macbeth: A Discussion GuideWilliam Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream: A Discussion GuideWilliam Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet: A Discussion GuideWilliam Sleator’s Oddballs: A Discussion GuideComposition Projects:Composition Project: Writing an Autobiographical EssayComposition Project: Writing a Hero-of-Human-Rights EssayComposition Project: Writing a Problem-Solving LetterTeaching:How to Teach the Autobiographical Essay Composition Project in 9 ClassesAutobiography (of sorts):My Life and Hard Times, or Down and Out in Athens, OhioMiscellaneous:Mark Twain Anecdotes and QuotesProblem-Solving 101: Can You Solve the Problem?Why I Support Same-Sex Civil MarriageBlogs:https://davidbruceblog429065578.wordpress.comhttps://davidbrucebooks.blogspot.comhttps://davidbruceblog4.wordpress.comhttps://bruceb22.wixsite.com/website
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The Funniest People in Movies - David Bruce
The Funniest People in Movies:
250 Anecdotes
By David Bruce
SMASHWORDS EDITION
Copyright 2007 and written by Bruce D. Bruce
All anecdotes are stated in my own words to avoid plagiarism.
Note: Most of the anecdotes in this book are funny, but some are thought provoking rather than funny.
Cover Photograph
Model: Victoria Borodonova
https://pixabay.com/photos/woman-glasses-3d-glasses-viewer-5608964/
https://www.instagram.com/victoriaborodinova/
https://www.facebook.com/victoria.borodinova
Dedicated with Respect to Terry Smith
Chapter 1: From Academy Awards to Alcohol
Academy Awards
• Oprah Winfrey was nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her performance in her first feature film, The Color Purple, directed by Stephen Spielberg. Her father made sure that he saw the movie—it was the first time he had gone to a movie theater in 25 years. At the Academy Awards ceremony, Ms. Winfrey did not win, but she joked that she was relieved because her recently altered dress turned out to be too tight: Perhaps God was saying to me, ‘Oprah, you are not winning because your dress is too tight for you to make it up all those steps to receive the statuette.’
(1)
• In 1988, Jodie Foster won a Best Actress Oscar for her performance in The Accused. Following her acceptance speech, she joked backstage that she would immediately put the Oscar to good use: I rented three videos last night … and they said if I brought this in I would get them free.
(2)
• When a man streaked across the stage during the Academy Awards, Oscar presenter David Niven said, Let’s not pay any attention to him. All he is doing is showing his shortcomings.
(3)
Actors
• Javier Bardem, the Spanish actor who played the very evil murderer in the Coen Brothers’ No Country for Old Men, had a number of other jobs before becoming an actor. In fact, for one day when he was a teenager, he was a stripper. He says, Unfortunately, I made the mistake of talking about it years later and my mother and sister read the article. You talk about showing your *ss and then your mother reads all about it.
As a citizen of Spain, he has a perspective different from that of Americans. For example, one day he had a nude scene, and the American crew made sure that he was covered up when he was not actually working—he definitely got the idea that people did not want to see his rear end. However, when he was murdering people in a scene, the Americans on set were happy. Mr. Bardem says that the day I was killing people they were like, ‘Yaah! That was good!’ I know I don’t have a nice *ss, but I would go for an *ss over killing people every time.
A final difference between Spain and other countries—which in the opinion of the author of the book you are reading now definitely includes the USA—is this, according to Mr. Bardem, I like the way people behave in my country. It’s about being open to life instead of being obsessed about getting somewhere. There’s a moment when they put the worries about paying the bills to one side and just live. In some countries, it’s all about being number one and if you are second you are a failure.
(4)
• Kathy Bates won the Oscar for Best Actress in Misery, co-starring James Caan and made into a movie from a book by Stephen King. Director Rob Reiner told her that she had the lead part of Annie Wilkes, and Ms. Bates, who had never had the lead in a movie before, said, The part. I’ve got it?
Mr. Reiner nodded and said, You’ve got it.
Unbelieving, Ms. Bates said, The Annie part. Annie Wilkes. That part?
Mr. Reiner nodded again. Still unbelieving, Ms. Bates said, Annie Wilkes. The lead. And I’ve got it and it’s all set and everything?
Mr. Reiner replied, All set.
Ms. Bates said, "Let me just get this straight—I am playing Annie Wilkes, the lead, in Misery? Again, Mr. Reiner replied affirmatively. Ms. Bates said,
It’s done and everything, I mean, I am definitely playing Annie, and that’s set and done and everything, no mistakes or anything? Mr. Reiner said,
It is so set you wouldn’t believe it. Ms. Bates sat silently for a moment, then asked,
Can I tell my mother? (5)
• Jack Pierce was a master of makeup, and he created the makeup for such movie monsters as Frankenstein’s Monster and the Wolf Man. When making up actor Boris Karloff as Frankenstein’s Monster, Mr. Pierce made sure that the mask he had created came down only as far as Mr. Karloff’s eyebrows. That way, the actor could use his eyes and mouth to express emotion. In the three movies starring Mr. Karloff as the monster, he moves very awkwardly—the result of having a heavy rod placed along his spine, and of wearing boots that together weighed 26 pounds. Mr. Karloff’s performance as Frankenstein’s Monster was very sympathetic and thousands of children wrote to him and showed compassion for the monster. Mr. Karloff remarked, These children saw beyond the makeup and really understood.
(6)
• Some people know what they like very early in their life. When Honor Blackman was 15 years old, her father let her choose which of two presents she wanted to receive: a bicycle or lessons in elocution. Young Honor, later to become the female lead in the movie Goldfinger and one of the female leads in the British TV cult classic The Avengers, chose the elocution lessons. (Another thing she likes is anecdotes. She tells about a young, overly enthusiastic director explaining the fine points of direction to actress Irene Handl, who listened patiently for a while, grew bored, and eventually told him, Excuse me, I think you’ve mistaken me for someone who gives a f**k.
) (7)
• In Quentin Tarantino’s first film, the hit Reservoir Dogs, Kirk Baltz played a rookie police officer who is tortured by the sadistic Mr. Blonde, played by Michael Madsen. To get into character, Mr. Baltz asked Mr. Madsen to put him in the trunk of his car, then drive him around for five minutes. (In the movie, the police officer is put in the trunk of Mr. Blonde’s car, then driven around.) Unfortunately for Mr. Baltz, Mr. Madsen also wanted to get into character. Acting like the sadistic Mr. Blonde, Mr. Madsen drove Mr. Baltz around for not five minutes, but for 45 minutes. (8)
• In Spike Lee’s movie Jungle Fever, the beautiful Halle Berry plays a crack addict, a role she wanted because too many people assume that beautiful people don’t get addicted to crack—or so the people casting this kind of role seem to think. She worked hard to prepare for the role. She asked co-star Samuel L. Jackson to drive her around some of New York City’s poorest neighborhoods. She also visited a crack house in the presence of some police officers—who made her wear a bulletproof vest. Finally, for the 10 days before filming started, she did not take a bath. (9)
• In the screwball classic movie It Happened One Night is a famous scene in which Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert are hitchhiking, but they can’t get a lift until Ms. Colbert shows her legs by the side of the road. At first, Ms. Colbert was shy and declined to show her legs in the scene, so director Frank Capra brought in a chorus girl to serve as Ms. Colbert’s body double. Ms. Colbert looked at the chorus girl’s pudgy legs, realized that movie-goers would think that the pudgy legs belonged to her, and decided to show her own thin and shapely legs in the scene. (10)
• Joe E. Brown was a wide-mouthed comedian who was featured in such films as A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Showboat, and