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    The Pub Letters
    The Pub Letters
    The Pub Letters
    Ebook158 pages1 hour

    The Pub Letters

    By PK Munroe

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    About this ebook

    Have you ever had a great idea in the pub or bar, but forgotten it by the next day? The Pub Letters is a collection of such bar-room brainwaves. The author wrote to prominent companies and individuals (including the Pope, and the British Royal Family), pitching inventions, business ideas, money-making schemes and proposals to improve public life – all dreamed up in the pub with his friends.
    This book consists of the letters he sent, together with the replies. All the letters are genuine.
    Peter Jones of BBC TV's Dragons' Den called the book "hilarious in the extreme", while Steven Poole in The Guardian newspaper said it was "charmingly whimsical... a delicious satire".
    The Pub Letters is a revised version of PK Munroe's original book The Thursday Night Letters, first published in hardback in the UK by New Holland Publishers.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherPK Munroe
    Release dateFeb 6, 2011
    ISBN9781458036223
    The Pub Letters
    Author

    PK Munroe

    2015 saw the publication of 'The Manopause Manual', an important guide to men of a certain age (but not their wives) about how to make it through this tricky time. Should we get a beard, a sports car, or a shed? Can we ignore modern obsessions with exercise and food? What tips from psychology will help when pitching to our othe half for a lads holiday? The answers are here.His earlier book 'How Not to be a Tourist in London' is now (2015) available as a paperback, fully reviesed and with new chapters. The ebook has also been massively updated. Alleged to be an insider's guide, the curious insights and unexpected facts create an air of uncertainty about how London actually operates. Is it for real?PK's best-known paperback book, You Can Stick It (Dec 2010) is an important milestone in the history of publishing - the first satirical sticker book for grown ups to be produced since the repeal of the Corn Laws. Visit his blog at http://youcanstickit.blogspot.com to look at some example stickers.There's an images-only ebook of 'You Can Stick It' now, so round 70 satirical, surreal and frankly unwise sticker designs can be viewed at a very reasonable price. These stickers are not peelable, however.Munroe's first book, The Thursday Night Letters (2007) outlines schemes and ideas to improve society and make money, generated in the white heat of the innovative furnace that is a London pub on a Thursday evening. Odd but just-plausible concepts were pitched to the Royal family, captains of industry, soccer supremos, and more. The book consists of his letters and their replies. The Guardian called it "a delicious satire" while Peter Jones of BBC TV's Dragons' Den found it "hilarious in the extreme".Now re-named 'The Pub Letters', this is available as an ebook on Amazon, and in all other formats for just $0.99c, from Smashwords

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      Book preview

      The Pub Letters - PK Munroe

      "Hilarious in the extreme" Peter Jones, BBC TV’s Dragons’ Den

      "Charmingly whimsical ... a delicious satire" Steven Poole, The Guardian

      "I just fell about laughing" Dovegreyreader blog

      "A welcome breath of fresh and irreverent air" The Bookbag blog

      "If your sense of humour tends to be a little on the wacky side, this book is guaranteed to make you laugh out loud" The Book Chase blog

      THE PUB LETTERS

      by

      PK Munroe

      Introduction

      Have you ever had a great idea in the pub or bar, but forgotten it by next day? The Pub Letters is a collection of such bar-room brainwaves. The author wrote to prominent companies and individuals (including the Pope, and the British Royal Family), pitching inventions, business schemes, and proposals to improve public life – all dreamed up in the pub by himself and his friends.

      This book consists of those letters sent to individuals and companies, and their replies. All letters are genuine. In an e-book, however, it’s not possible to reproduce the letters exactly as written. Addresses have been removed, and (since this is the internet) some respondents’ names have been changed.

      ~ ~ ~

      *Special offer* to business people and budding entrepreneurs!

      Please feel free to use any idea in this book and develop a product or service from it. In return, if the idea works, you agree to give the author a royalty of 5% of revenues.

      ~ ~ ~

      Smashwords edition. The Pub Letters was first published in hardback in the UK as ‘The Thursday Night Letters’ by New Holland Publishers, (www.newhollandpublishers.com), 2007. With thanks to the publisher for permission to release this revised version as an e-book. Copyright 2007-2011 PK Munroe.

      ~ ~ ~

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. It may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. It’s cheap enough!

      * * * * *

      CONTENTS

      Atheist Airlines

      Beer Calendar

      Breakfast Cereal Killers

      Call to Prayer Alarm Clock

      Celebrity Flanning Agency

      Celebrity Inflatables

      Couples Quiz

      Criminals Magazine

      Dandruff-controlling Headphones

      Decibel Feedback Telephone

      ElderLab

      The ‘Fergie’ Hairdryer

      Followership books

      Healthy Seaside Rock

      Holy Toaster

      Hot and Cold Electric Blanket

      Hunter-gatherer Supermarkets

      Memorial Manhole Covers

      Middle Age Spread

      National Complaints Hotline

      New car names

      New Car Security Kit

      New car ctickers

      New range of housewares

      New shed concepts

      No.1 Bigfella Swimming Trunks

      Nodding Celebs

      Office Workout Products

      Park and Row

      Pavarotti Bouncy Castle

      Peter Shilton Oven Gloves

      Pigs’ Bottoms

      Placebo – The New Wonder-Drug

      Pope on a Rope Soap

      The Pope’s Vatican Theme Park

      Pub Vicars

      Rodent Deodorant

      Royal Family Lottery

      Shopping Football

      Stick Shop

      Supermarket Spoiler stickers

      Urban I-Spy

      Vegetarian Pork Scratchings

      Whenicroak.com

      Yuppie Holiday

      * * * * *

      Atheist Airlines

      SENT TO: Chief Executive, British Airways plc, London, England.

      Dear Sir,

      I’m writing to you with a business proposal for a new airline that you could set up as a BA subsidiary. I think this will be a real money-spinner.

      The rationale: The destruction of the Twin Towers in New York by passenger jets is one reason to want to avoid travelling with religious fundamentalists. This is a non-denominational problem and certainly not unique to the Muslim world. There have also been fatal attacks carried out by Christian fundamentalists in the USA, such as the bombing of a public building in Utah and the killing of doctors who carry out abortions. Holding strong religious beliefs can present a real threat to public safety.

      The plan: You set up a new international division, ‘Atheist Airlines’. Your customers must agree to denounce all the world’s major religions each time they board a plane. They do this at check-in by signing a Declaration, laid out in bullet-point style, that insults every world religion in ways that would be completely unacceptable to any serious believer. The Declaration denies the possibility of a deity and is rude about all associated belief systems. More recent religions such as Mormonism and Scientology can be accommodated.

      The benefits: In a word, safety. Passengers on Atheist Airlines can sit back and relax in their seats, safe in the knowledge that they are surrounded only by calm, rational fellow passengers, holding only the mildest of beliefs and opinions.*

      The risks: Some non-believers might be too scared to fly with Atheist Airlines, in case there is a God after all and He/She decides to smite a plane.

      What do you think? Do we have a winner here?

      Yours sincerely

      P K Munroe

      * They’ll still have all the usual worries about flying – fog, ice, engine failure, wind shear on take-off or landing, birds sucked into the turbines, drunken pilots, mid-air collisions, etc.

      ~ ~ ~

      NO REPLY

      * * * * *

      Beer calendar

      SENT TO: Managing Director, Hook Norton Brewery Co. Ltd, England

      Dear Sir,

      My friends and I are keen fans of your beer, and we’ve come up with a business idea that could be a big seller for you. It will also bring artistic prestige to your brewery.

      There are a great many calendars on the market, but we’ve not seen one that deals exclusively in your product - beer. This led us to ask: why doesn’t someone produce an upmarket beer calendar, "The Year in Beer"?

      The design concept is crucial to the calendar’s success. Each month is represented by a stark photograph of a single pint of beer. The photos must be pin-sharp, the composition plain and minimalist, with no visual clutter and no background detail. The full beer glass must entirely dominate the picture. The effect will be like a classic still-life painting, with an extreme focus and intensity on the subject. Pinned to the domestic wall it should have a hypnotic effect, luring punters out to the pub night after night.

      The photographs would be appropriate to the season, eg. a dark beer in February, best bitter in June, a light beer in August, and strong ale in December. Each month’s photo should if possible be by a different famous photographer (if not, we can do them for you), but whoever takes the photos must not be allowed to deviate from the strict design brief.

      This calendar could become highly collectible. And of course as well as the usual outlets (WH Smiths, etc.) you can sell it in your own pubs and on your website.

      If The Year In Beer takes off, you could produce a range of similar calendars around pub themes, for example Whiskies, Ploughman’s lunches, and Pies. In fact, when you start to think about it, there are

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