Aer Mutatio: How Environmentalism Fixes The Roman Empire

Aer Mutatio: How Environmentalism Fixes The Roman Empire

by Ayami Tyndall

Published by Ayami Tyndall at Smashwords

Copyright 2011 Ayami Tyndall

Cover by Taliesin Tyndall

* * *

Dedicated to Phil Jones.

You made this possible.

* * *

Global Warming:

A measurable increase in the average temperature of earth's near-surface air and oceans, as well as the predicted continuation thereof, believed to be caused by human activity.

Chapter I

NEW RESEARCH RELEASED, NATIONS PANIC AND/OR CELEBRATE

It was damp.

But not the usual sort of someone dripped on your chair and got your butt wet damp. This was a deeper, more irksome kind of soggy boot on your right foot damp.

Or perhaps it was more of a damp bedsheets after your house guest left sort of damp.

Whatever manner of damp it was, it was a truly dark, insidious and saturated sort of damp, and Joe didn't like it. Heaving his shoulder against the lid of the crate, he rolled free from the growing pool of water.

Blinking back sand from his eyes, Joe climbed to his wobbly feet. He shuddered as he felt the sunlight. Shaking himself physically and mentally, he looked around to see where he was.

It was obviously a fairly northern shoreline. The air was cool and laced with mist. The water churned with a decisive note of irritation, like some considerably unfriendly and very hungry beast, the waves lapping at Joe's feet like a drooling tongue.

Shivering in his wet clothing, he turned inland, trying to determine where he was. It did not take long, thanks to the tall flagpole which climbed from the ceiling of a nearby building. Fluttering in the wind was the red and white flag of Canada, the pointed maple leaf dancing about high above Joe's head.

Sighing and taking the first step away from the crate he had landed here in, Joe thought back to a time in his life not at all long ago. Things had seemed so much simpler then, so much more hopeful...

* * *

"'...We're all gonna burn.' I repeat, 'the world is melting. We're all gonna burn. We're all gonna burn.' These words from the senior climate researcher at Oxford University while giving a keynote speech on the recently released research papers which indicate a far greater rate of increase in global temperature than was previously known.

"Other researchers also joined in, stating their belief in the immediate peril humanity now faces as our own polluting technologies and lifestyles begin to negatively affect the world we call home.

"Announcements are expected from other leading research institutes around the globe to expand on the climate predictions we have already seen, allowing us to better determine what action will be necessary from the nations of the world.

"With this in mind, we wish to remind our viewers that there is no need to panic. There is no greater danger now than there was previously. We are now just better informed of the situation we have placed ourselves in.

This has been Joe Body, reporting for Madrid Central News. Thank you and have a nice day.

And we're...clear!

Good job, Joe.

Yeah, great report!

Thanks, replied Joe, stretching his neck as he rose from his seat. Loosening his collar, he quickly fled from behind the fabricated desk and out from under the studio lights. Circling around the back of the large board printed with his company's logo, Joe came back out the other side, briskly walking past the cameras as he made for the back of the studio.

Joe, you've got a call on line four. It's from the Madrid Inquirer. They want your personal comments on the new weather news.

Climate, Sally, said Joe, walking with the secretary down the hall toward his room. Climate, not weather. And tell them what I always say: I have no personal comments.

Yes, sir, said Sally, turning the page on her schedule planner as she ducked away into a side hallway.

Sighing in relief as he closed the door of his dressing room, Joe all but tumbled into his chair as he devoured a handful of nuts. Riffling through the pile of paper folders on his desk, he huffed in annoyance and turned away from them.

Those can wait. For now, I've got some research to do.

Digging through his desk drawer for the remote, he clicked on the small television in his room. The plasma display came alive with a bright flash and a hum.

...piling up more and more material, all in hopes of averting what they perceive as their own doom.

The TV had come on to one of the Southeast Asian networks. The dark skinned reporter stood in a small village, wooden huts raised on stilts all around him. In the background the ocean was visible, waves crashing on the shore of the small island.

As the newsman spoke on, long lines of locals milled about behind him. They formed two ranks, going to and from a large pile of debris situated at the seaward border of their village. This was not the leftovers of some great wave, however. Instead it was meant to prevent such an occurrence. Piled up together were rocks, dirt, furniture, leaves, rugs, seashells, clothing, and anything else the villagers could find to build a wall.

The rising global temperatures are putting these tiny villages at risk, so the inhabitants have taken their protection into their own hands.

The camera swung over to zoom in on the wall. More and more stuff was being piled on, forming a barrier against rising sea levels.

Just as he was changing the channel, Joe saw what he thought was a pair of human legs, sticking out of the barricade at an obtuse angle and kicking wildly for freedom.

Click

Gaman ao kynnast per! Hvernig gengur? Mer er heitt! Skal!

There on the television was now a pair of Icelandic weathermen, both clad in heavy furs and metal helmets adorned with curved horns.

Mer er heitt! Skal!!

As they sang and danced about happily, they were slowly removing layers of their clothing and tossing it aside. Behind them was a large image, obviously digitally added, depicting an animated map of Iceland. All around it the white indicating ice was disappearing as if melting away. In its place appeared little green sprouts which swayed from side to side in tune to the song.

Above the map was a single line of bold text which read: Counting down! Fifty years to skinny dipping and turnips!

Mer er heitt!

Click

And coming on the uplink now is the representative from China.

Joe had now moved into the Canadian networks. On the screen was a Canadian reporter, not unlike Joe himself.

Okay, gentlemen. Are you ready?

The picture changed to a split video feed of the representatives of Canada and China, each calmly seated in their own offices, an ocean and more between them.

Good, eh. Now, in brief, please give us your statements on this recent news of the climate problem.

For a moment the two men didn't move. Then each turned his head, as if looking away from their teleprompter and at some other screen. Then both men leaped to their feet. Turning to one side, they now stood so that on the news screen they seemed to be facing one another.

He did it, eh! shouted the Canadian representative, beginning to hop up and down, his eyes bulging as he wildly pointed at the other man.

In response the Chinese representative leaned back and pump both arms rapidly as he pointed at the Canadian, shouting in a whining voice.

Click

Welcome to the Brazil Morning News. Our first story today comes from our economics correspondent. Let's go down to the wharf now with Uiara Mandes Pape Prado Luiz Soares.

"Thank you, Chuck. I'm here on the beach front, where all the effects of the recent climate research can be seen. Many store owners now fear for the safety of their pier shops, but every action possible is being taken. Demonstrations are also being held to increase awareness for the problems of the rain forests. New estimates out of Oxford put the time to total deforestation of Brazil at...four days, twelve hours and forty-two minutes. However, there is a five minute error margin.

Despite rising anxiety, not all economic spheres are suffering. Stocks in bikini producing companies have increased 70% in the past 24-hours, already creating new jobs across the whole range of production for these iconic garments. Sales of video-capable cellphones designed for filming semi-spherical objects in motion are also up by 40%.

Click

Welcome to a special Canberra News Network broadcast. We are now outside the city university, where the prime minister has been meeting with the heads of the Climate Research Division, created late last night, to discuss issues of...

There he is!

Yes, yes. The prime minister is emerging from the building. He is heading for the podium. I think he's going to make a statement.

Mr. Prime Minister!

Mr. Prime Minister!

Yes, Sydney News.

Mr. Prime Minister, could you please give us a statement on the newly documented climate issues facing the planet?

Meh.

Click

That was enough news for now. Tossing the remote back onto the desk, Joe had another fistful of nuts before making for the door. He wouldn't be on the air again for several hours, so he headed for the exit of the studio, eager to spend a little time on the street.

Happy New Year to Rome! Welcome to the Year 1010!

Blinking in the sudden sunlight, Joe looked around in amazement at the festivities which surrounded him.

Happy New Year to Rome! Welcome to the Year 1010!

The massive speakers on the blimp circling the plaza blared out the message for all to hear, although the shouting of the throng on the street dulled even that. It was New Year's Day and the streets of Madrid were filled with gleeful celebrations to welcome the second decade of the second millennium. Everywhere were celebrators waving the red and gold flag of the Roman Empire. Most of the people were also dressed in red and gold, the men in their togas and the women in their trousers and tunics, although a fair number had foregone the tunic.

Joe descended the marble stairs and worked his way through the crowd.

Hail Rome! shouted one celebrator as he took Joe by the arms and shook him vigorously.

Hail the New Year! replied Joe, returning the greeting and saluting the man before moving on, smiling at the beer stains which covered the man's flag toga.

Wandering through the streets, Joe watched sidewalk performers, many from far across the Empire, all dancing and singing, usually less than harmoniously, in the midst of the celebration. The roads were packed, forcing all the motorchariots to use more roundabout routes.

For more than fifteen-hundred years Rome has stood as a mighty beacon of the strength of humanity!

Wiggling his way through the packed bodies, Joe came to stand in a circle of people listening to a man giving a speech while standing on the shoulders of one of the many statues of past emperors.

Through war and famine, through storm and flood, we have thrived. Even the greatest eras of turmoil could not bring Rome to its knees. Our greatest emperor, Julius Caesar, led us into the new millennium with boundless strength! Christ shook Rome to its core, but we came back stronger! The barbarian invaders may have cracked our borders, but we drove them back and made their land our own! We now span all of Europe! Some have said that we should be more cautious, that we should go slower. They say that things could have gone worse. Some have said that we came close to entering a 'dark ages', that Rome nearly collapsed. But I say that what matters is that we didn't! Rome is forever!

It was true that Rome had expanded greatly since its infancy. With the world now well into the eleventh-century, Common Era, Rome stretched all across the continent. Well, all expect the Netherlands. Somewhere along the way, Rome's generals had forgotten to actually conquer the Netherlands, so it had remained an independent state. Friendly to Rome, but not part of it. No one was quite sure how that one had happened.

Turning in to a side alley, Joe headed toward his apartment building. He had to get his notes ready for the meeting in the morning, and he still had an evening newscast slated for the day.

Chapter II

SPECIAL REPORT: EXPERTS MEET TO CONFABULATE ON CLIMATE ISSUES, BUT DUE TO AN INSUFFICIENCY OF COMPREHENSION OF MODERATION OR SELF-CURTAILMENT THEY ARE INEFFICACIOUS AT ANY ENDEAVOR EXEMPTING BLABBER AND SO GET CATEGORICALLY NOWHERE, UNTIL A THIRD PARTY INTERVENES TO THE PRODIGIOUS BETTERMENT OF ALL, A BREVILOQUENT INTRODUCTION

Ladies and gentlemen, hello and welcome to the Roman Energy and Ecology Summit and Environment Symposium, now being held in Madrid. I would like to clarify that this is the Symposium hall. For the Summit, please go to suite 14B.

Several people seated before the stage rose to leave, whispering embarrassed apologies for their mistake as they darted from the large room to find their desired event.

Yes, very good. We are here to discuss the environmental issues which have presented themselves to the Roman Empire, but I would like to begin with introductions. I am here from the Oxford Research Institute and I will be here to handle any general questions from the press. With me are many of my esteemed colleagues. We have the head researcher at the University of Roman Geologists in Italy.

Greetings, said the scholar, his skin a tanned rainbow of earthy hues and stony shades.

Next is my good friend from the Greek Regional Oceanic Study Society.

Hello, said the Greek man, stroking his beard casually as he surveyed the crowd of reporters seated before the platform.

And here we have the director of the Agricultural Research Department and Vegetable Adaptation Research Klub in Switzerland.

Hello, he said, looking down at his wristwatch, as he had been doing regularly since he was seated some time before.

And the head of the German Organized Forestry Enrichment Regiment.

Hello, said the German in a husky voice, raising a hand and nodding stiffly.

Ahem, coughed the man at one end of the long conference table.

Oh, yes, said the Englishman, trying little to hide his contempt. I almost forgot. His eyes nearly rolled out of his head. With us is a lecturer from the largest university in Ireland.

Use its proper name! shouted the Irishman, glaring acid at the scientist from his island's neighboring shore.

Yes, from the... The Englishman stuttered, forcing a smile as he made himself speak the words. From the Queen's Rear Academy.

The Irishman smiled triumphantly.

And finally, our good friend and ally visiting us from the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.

Privet, said the Russian, continuing to stare at the crowd from his seat at the other end of the table. He was a massive man, dwarfing the chair he sat in and proving a very intimidating figure. From his bushy beard rose a steady plume of smoke which everyone assumed was a cigar hidden somewhere within.

No one had dared to ask him to be sure.

It was obvious that the presence of the Russian made everyone uncomfortable, but diplomacy required that he be present. Ever since the French Exodus, each and every Roman emperor had declared war upon Russia in hopes of conquering new territory. It had practically become mandatory for each new ruler to do this, to such an extent that the last two wars had only been reported on by tabloids. And blogs.

However, all these many attempts at conquest have been less than fruitful. Each war has ended within the first three engagements, each time the Roman legions forced to withdraw from Russian territory, the nation's troops and ego both thoroughly bruised.

After each war diplomatic channels have been eagerly opened, to resolve the nations' grievances and prevent any further hostilities (until the next election). Over the centuries this has led to the creation of many dozens of treaties, each written by a different administration, often hastily and with little care. This has caused more than a few problems, most stemming from odd contradictions which arose between treaties, all of which still stand.

For example, one anomaly created by the relation between several of the treaties forbids of any Roman from saying the word 'firkin' to a Russian, except while drinking a cup of camel milk measuring no more than seven ounces and containing at least three pinches of Swiss mustard. Three other treaties have separately defined what a pinch constitutes, leaving the only satisfactory definition at forty-three pounds. Luckily, an international incident has thus far been averted.

Excuse me, said one of the reporters, standing to address the committee, but where is the committee member from Spain?

Spain? asked the Englishman, looking at the single empty chair at the table.

Yes. This conference is being held in Spain, after all.

Ah, yes. He is here, but he is...busy. He is currently occupied with commissioning provisions from one of this establishment's waitresses.

The other men at the table snickered.

The Russian bellowed a laugh, which seemed to actually increase the amount of smoke leaving his beard.

The reporter sat back down.

With all that out of the way, let's get started. As you all no doubt know, this conference has been called to address the newly uncovered climate dangers presenting themselves to the Roman Empire. Much of that research was conducted in my department, at, he paused slightly and rose his chin, "Oxford, so I am quite familiar with the data.

"As you have been told, the primary problem is an increase in average global temperature. This is being caused by the ever increasing level of carbon-based emissions being put out by every nation on the earth. These greenhouse gases are causing more heat from the sun to be retained within the atmosphere, causing the increase in temperature.

While the obvious implications alone are fearful, it is important that we look deeper. This increase in temperature will have a wide range of other effects, from increases in sea level and ice melt to loss of livable and farmable space and water supply.

One of the reporters raised their hand, eager with a question.

Yes?

Danny Higgins, Romanian National Post. How can you be so sure that it is humans causing these climate problems? Couldn't it be a natural trend?

That is a very good question. It is easy to see how some might have a hard time believing that we humans could affect the earth to such a degree, but the data is there. I think...

But even if we are causing it, interrupted the Irishman, slamming a fist on the table, smaller nations like Ireland have no bearin' on the global climate. We just...

That's enough, said the Englishman angrily. You will have your turn to...

It seems to me, continued the Irishman, steamrolling over his fellow committee member, that smaller countries should be exempt from having to adopt new policies.

That is the most, began the Englishman, his chest visibly inflating as his face turned red and he sputtered in search of words, block headed, lame brained, ill conceived load of...

"That is enough! said the Italian speaker, quite forcefully. We are here to discuss the problem, not government policy on how to solve it."

But sir, said Joe, rising from his chair with an audio recorder in hand, isn't it important that we find a way to fix the problem? Do the U.R.G. researchers believe it can be solved?

Yes, of course it can. However, before we can focus on a solution we must make sure the problem is understood. As we say at U.R.G.: you have to know where the tear is before you can knock it out, tie it down and staple it shut. We must know what we are dealing with. First of all, we have to make sure everyone understands the cause of the problem.

Da, agreed the Russian, causing everyone in the room to jump at his deep voice.

"Yes, thank you. Our data clearly shows that this is not a natural phenomenon. It is true that the earth goes through natural warming and cooling trends, but our current measurements show levels of change far beyond anything our tree rings or ice cores show in past millennia. The only possible explanation is that the excess polluting gases being emitted by human cities and industry are choking the atmosphere, causing a dangerous heat buildup which could threaten all of humanity if it is not dealt with. It is for this reason that we need to redouble our research efforts, so that we can better understand what we are dealing with. Institutes like U.R.G. can facilitate such research."

Another reporter rose with a question, this time a woman with a pink scarf tied about her head in an enormous bow. The Italian nodded.

Rose Nickers, Swedish United Press, Women's Issues Editor.

Chyort voz'mi! shouted the Russian. Trying to rise, he nearly fell out of his chair and then started coughing uncontrollably, apparently nearly choking on whatever it was he was smoking.

All the other members of the committee simply went wide eyed and gulped loudly.

I have a simple question, continued Rose Nickers. Why are there no women on this so-called committee? She took a defiant stance, her whole form demanding a prompt and extremely satisfactory reply. Even her bow seemed to glower.

Ah, yes, said the Englishman, stepping in as the Italian began to flounder like a fish in Miss Nickers' net. That is to say... Looking at him, you could almost see the gears churning away behind his eyes, red hot with effort and very nearly seizing up in an impossible task. Then there was a loud bang on the wall behind the committee, which seemed to knock the gears back into working order. We do have a female member.

Where? demanded Rose Nickers.

She is with our Spanish committee member.

You said he was with the waitress!

Waitress? Don't be silly. The Englishman quickly climbed to his feet and scurried through a door behind the table.

Moments passed, Rose Nickers growing more angry with each inaudible tick of the Swiss scientist's watch.

Here we are! said the Englishman as he emerged from the door. He dragged with him the Director of Environmental Studies at the Madrid Academy, who in turn dragged with him a young woman, probably half his age. She wore a knee-length tunic, but her trousers were noticeably absent and her hair was extremely frazzled, as if she had just climbed out of bed. Judging by her swaying stance, it looked as if she had just climbed out of a bed which was in a wine cask.

I meant to say, continued the Englishman, that he was with Ms. Flo, our Women's Concerns Consultant.

Rose Nickers continued to stare at the committee as the Spaniard took his seat. Ms. Flo seemed intent to sit as well, but the only free space she could find was the table top. She promptly slumped onto it with all the confidence of a queen but all the grace of a brick.

Heh, said the Englishman uncomfortably. The other committee members smiled awkwardly.

Rose Nickers continued her ocular assault.

That is, said the Greek speaker, "Ms. Flo here is our Women's Concerns Consultant, and the Vice-President of the panel."

The speakers kept on smiling.

Nodding sharply, Rose Nickers sat down without another word. The entire room relaxed as she did so.

If I might continue, said the English speaker, eager to break the silence which hung over the hall. I would like to elaborate on the topic of agricultural damages likely to be caused by environmental heating.

Ms. Flo released a mindless giggle, but the scientist continued.

Besides the simple matter of raw temperature, another major threat to our farming capacity is water. As the temperatures rise, so will our water consumption rise, putting a major strain on all our glaciers, lakes and reserves of usable water.

Yes, interjected the Greek researcher, "I agree that water is our key issue. However, there are far more important things at stake than the meager needs of humans for their gardens and showers."

And for drinking, said the Irishman.

Yes, yes. That too. But what really matters are the seas. The oceans are the lifeblood of our very planet, and they are going to be thrown into chaos beyond all knowing if we do not take immediate action to mediate our own effect on the ecology of the oceans and coasts.

That is true, conceded the German agriculturalist, but we must keep our focus on the needs of our populace. I think the suffering of humans is a bit more important than some fish getting churned up.

Ha! There are more than just fish in the ocean!

While true, that does not change the fact that our focus must be on...

The oceans!

On, said the German with a sidelong glare, the assurance of required levels of food and water for Romans, as well as the peoples of other nations across the globe.

Fish are people too! shouted the Greek oceanographer, his short beard almost sizzling with enthusiasm.

So what you're saying, said a reporter, standing without introduction, is that you think fish rights are of equal importance to human rights?

What about bird rights? said another.

No, I... began the Greek researcher, his fury suddenly quelled as half the room began to stand and shout questions.

What is your stance on women's rights? shouted Rose Nickers.

What about reptile rights?

Reptiles? What about the platypus? No one even knows what the heck it is!

What is this committee's position on microbe rights?

More and more reporters joined the frenzy, all drowning out one another to the point that none of their questions could be heard over each other. This didn't deter them, though,