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    Humor of the Gospels
    Humor of the Gospels
    Humor of the Gospels
    Ebook214 pages2 hours

    Humor of the Gospels

    By Steven D. Bennett

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    If you find the bible to be slow, boring and hard to understand...maybe it's just you. Or maybe you haven't found the right commentary. Until you do, buy Humor of the Gospels and you'll soon find your spirits rise and money raptured as biblical mysteries are unveiled with such wonder you will anxiously await the Second Coming or volume two. This book is a light-headed and light-hearted look at the lives of Jesus and the apostles, as we take a chronological trip through the four gospels.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSteven D. Bennett
    Release dateApr 30, 2011
    ISBN9781458151742
    Humor of the Gospels
    Author

    Steven D. Bennett

    I was born in Boston and grew up in Connecticut and San Diego, which gave me a good background in both history and tanning. I have four children and six grand-children, remarkable in that I am only 35. The fact that I have been married for almost 36 years is the result of an in-utero wedding and honeymoon.I have published many short stories, poems, songs, and recently wrote and directed a musical melodrama that was performed in the San Diego area. With six books under my belt (THE PATH OF DAYS, TRACE THE DEAD EYE, HUMOR OF THE GOSPELS, HUMOR OF THE GOSPELS Daily Study, THRONE and THE CHUCK-IT LIST) I am looking for a bigger belt to stuff the seventh, which hopefully will be completed in time for the Christmas season. It is about a writer who finds to his horror that a mistake he made on page 47 completely invalidates the plot, forcing him to thus track down and kill anyone who has bought the book lest they spread the truth about his miniscule talent. It is titled DON'T READ THIS! and looks to be a best-seller, unless people take the title literally. Fortunately, nothing I write can be taken literally. It is also fortunate I did not stay with the working title: DON'T BUY THIS! Personally, I don't buy a word of it.I also have a blog, I Wandered Off the Tour: A Journey In Self-Publishing, which contains my thoughts and experiences through the tormenting process of creation.Other than writing, I like listening to the same dozen albums and re-runs of the same dozen TV shows I've heard and seen hundreds of times, to the endless delight of my wife.

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      Book preview

      Humor of the Gospels - Steven D. Bennett

      Humor of the Gospels

      by

      Steven D. Bennett

      Smashwords Edition

      Copyright © 2010 by Steven D. Bennett

      Published by DeadLife Books

      ****

      HUMOR OF THE GOSPELS

      FIRST INTRODUCTION

      Whenever one attempts to travel through sacred ground with an attitude displaying anything less than extreme seriousity, it is to invite scorn, contempt, derision. And when the task at hand is to unearth a chuckle or two within the books of the bible--well, let’s just say that death threats could play a part in the equation.

      Therefore you, gentle reader, should take a cautious look over your shoulder at this juncture to see if anyone is flanking your sternum or lurking suspiciously in the shrubbery. A quick glance in a mirror might also be advised; that red dot making its way around your forehead could be more than an ambulatory boil, blemish or bindi.

      One can well see, if one is seeing well, why finding humor in the gospels could elicit such strong reactions. The problem is a simple one, but twofold:

      1) If the gospels are simply nice stories about Jesus and his followers, they are still sacred to someone and should be treated with just respect, and/or

      2) If they are indeed the revelation of God as pertains to his son and our eternal salvation, then we—see how I’m including you in this endeavor!—then we could be in big trouble.

      But we’re not afraid, are you? We’re an unconventional lot, aren’t you? We laugh at the idea of an eternity in hell, don’t you? And we’ll take full responsibility for any offense taken from within these pages, won’t you?

      Good. Anyone exhibiting such grit and independence of thought has my utmost respect, so be assured that I will stand behind¹ your decision to the very end. Be assured, also, that reading this far in the manuscript amounts to a disclaimer in which you have forfeited any legal action against the author in this life, or any spiritual action in the next.

      But why put a damper on the journey ahead? There will be time for ugly legal battles later.² We are, after all, in the perfect frame of mind to explore this avenue of scriptural examination heretofore left untouched. Those with less maturity would be inclined toward frivolity and foolishness. Those too somber would not do justice to the truly humorous events found in the text. We have struck a fine balance, you and I, and find ourselves in an enviable position:

      Mature enough to see the folly of such a task, but too stupid to stop now.

      Thus said, we press onward--and may God have mercy on those who smile along the way.

      SECOND INTRODUCTION

      In this literary exploration we will address, stamp, and mail³ the four gospels. They are, in no particular order: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

      Each Gospel is unique; not only do they have different names, but they were all written by different people from different perspectives and with different audiences in mind.

      Matthew, for instance, was written by the tax-collecting apostle for a Jewish audience and has many things of Jewish interest, such as references to Old Testament traditions and laws, the genealogy of Jesus back to Abraham, and a delicious matzah recipe.

      Mark, aid to Peter and Paul on many missionary jaunts, wrote for the Roman crowd and his writing leans more toward the physical world, with plenty of action and miracles.

      Luke, physician and another aid to Paul, addressed his gospel to most excellent Theophilus, whom we can assume through lack of archeological evidence⁴ was a person and not a city. But Luke had the naive aspirations all authors hold that people might someday read his work,⁵ so he aimed his writings at anyone not Jewish or Roman, i.e., those who were Greek-ish, which was the majority.

      These three, because they are very similar in content, are called the Synoptic gospels. Synoptic comprising of two words: optic meaning seeing, and syn--well, you all know what syn is, no matter how it’s spelt. So these three gospels were actually accounts of all the syns they had seen.⁶

      John’s gospel is quite different. Written, it is postulated, by the apostle at the request of Christians at the time who thought John was getting up in years and wanted his eye-witness account of the life of Jesus before John became an eye-to-eye witness to Jesus again. Showing his versatility, he did both.⁷

      Merging these four books, we will look at the life of Jesus in almost chronological order. In so doing, we will begin at the beginning--400 B.C.

      INQUISITION ONE:

      1) In the first introduction the author warns against laughter. Have you heeded the warning?

      2) Maturity being a requisite for reading this book, why are you still here?

      3) To which group were the gospels not written:

      A) Friends?

      B) Romans?

      C) Countrymen?

      D) The Earless?

      4) If you were to write an account of all the sins you’d seen, how many pages would it be? How did you happen to see them?

      5) If you were to write an account of all the sins you’d participated in, how many pages would it be? For shame! List the first hundred here:

      CHAPTER ONE

      IN THE DAYS B.C.

      Before The Beginning

      I will send the Prophet Elijah before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers. Or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.

      Thus ends the book of Malachi,⁸ the last book in the Old Testament, and if not for the last line it would have gotten much better reviews. Unfortunately, Malachi did not say when God would send either prophet or plague, and the next 400 years found the Jews looking for both and finding neither. But as the B.C.’s wound down from 5, 4, 3they had an inkling⁹ that the Messiah would come soon, and December 25, 0000 found people scouring (and scrubbing) the countryside for any trace of Jesus. But being much wiser, he fooled them all by being born years earlier.¹⁰

      Zechariah And Elizabeth

      One of those less fooled was a man named Zechariah. He was an old priest and his wife, Elizabeth, was an old wife. Together they had been blessed with something many nations would envy: zero population growth. It was not a blessing to them, however, and they kept praying and waiting and trying.

      One sunny day, Zechariah was chosen by lot (not Lot of old, but by a lot of new) to go into the temple to burn incense while the winners of the drawing waited outside. In those days, anyone who was not righteous in God’s eyes would be killed the instant they set foot into the inner sanctum of the temple, the Holy of Holies. To prevent further extermination, a rope would be tied to the ankle of the man lucky enough to venture into that vestibule. So if even the slightest dead-body sounding thud was heard, the corpse could be pulled safely back to the smug colleagues busily betting on his righteousness. The phrase: Are you pulling my leg? no doubt stemmed from this tradition, but one wonders, in lieu of the order of events, how it was spoken; certainly not by the person at the end of his rope.

      Zechariah, this time, was righteous, and as he began to burn the incense an angel of the Lord gripped him¹¹ and an incensed Zechariah was himself grippedwith fear.

      Don’t be afraid, the angel said, holding him tighter so he couldn’t escape. Your prayers have been heard, and you and Elizabeth will have a son whom you will name John. He will be a great prophet and will lead many back to God and prepare a way for the Messiah.

      Zechariah was perplexed, having not prayed for a son since he was a young man in his eighties.¹² But still being a faithful man of God and never having seen an angel before, he asked the only question a God-fearing man in his position could ask:

      How can this be? Have you lost your mind? I’m an old man, and my wife is--an old wife!

      I am Gabriel, Gabriel replied, side-stepping the details.¹³ I stand in the presence of God. But since you did not believe me, you won’t be able to speak until this happens.¹⁴

      Gabriel took Zechariah’s voice and sent him spinning outside to meet his friends, who were waiting for the other sandal to drop. Realizing his speechless predicament, they were then concerned they might have accidentally tied the rope to Zechariah’s tongue and not his ankle. The obviously tongue-tied Zechariah was not much help, but after much wild gesturing, pulling of earlobes and holding up of fingers, the story was eventually sorted out and the first game of charades officially initiated.

      When all was

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