Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    The Dog's Dinner. The Avaganda Book of Short Stories
    The Dog's Dinner. The Avaganda Book of Short Stories
    The Dog's Dinner. The Avaganda Book of Short Stories
    Ebook136 pages2 hours

    The Dog's Dinner. The Avaganda Book of Short Stories

    By Albert Benson

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    The Dog's Dinner.
    The Avaganda Book of Short Stories.
    Warning: this book does not contain any doggie stories. It refers to the old practice of throwing all the leftovers into the dog's bowl. The Dog's Dinner. And that's what this is, a number of genres thrown into the one book.
    Eviction Notice: A science fiction story of what happens when aliens buy the planet earth at a galactic auction, believing it is inhabited by dinosaurs. Boy, do they get a shock.
    The Mortician: A creepy horror story of what happens when a mortician cracks up.
    Unselfish Love: How a pregnant woman nearly sacrifices herself and her unborn child to save her husband.
    Hero: A science fiction story of tribute to the exploits of how a Native American squaw, Swift Fox, saved the universe.
    Renfield: A modern take on Dracula's helper.
    Journey: The last moments of a condemned man's life and his final walk up the thirteen steps to his doom.
    Miriam Specklebecker, Galactic Warrior. A jokey science fiction story of how a woman chosen at radom by aliens is forced to fight a fearsome alien for control of the planet earth.
    Rugs (the most dangerous threat to mankind) Practically every home has one, some more, are they the innocent things they appear to be? Or are they something more sinister?
    Sadie. A problem page writer that decides to take the law into her own hands.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAlbert Benson
    Release dateMay 20, 2011
    ISBN9781458025241
    The Dog's Dinner. The Avaganda Book of Short Stories

    Read more from Albert Benson

    Related to The Dog's Dinner. The Avaganda Book of Short Stories

    Related ebooks

    Short Stories For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      Before You Melt Into The Sea

      Feb 3, 2022

      Before You Melt Into The Sea
      11 min read

    • Article

      Liberation Day

      Mar 16, 2020

      Out of 130 entries, Writer’s Digest editors and readers chose this winner, submitted by Bridget Young of Brecksville, Ohio. The screams finally stop as daylight fades away. I’ve gotten used to human laughter but never the cries of fear. A feeling of

      2 min read

    • Article

      Chuckles

      Nov 12, 2021

      A scruffy-looking guy walks into a classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think you can afford it.” The guy admits, “You’re right. I can’t, but if I show you something you’ve never seen before, will you serve

      4 min read

    • Article

      Bug Off

      Jul 19, 2021

      Bug Off
      3 min read

    • Article

      Defy the Stars

      May 11, 2017

      Count to five, Noemi decides. If she’s cracking up—if the terror of the past few minutes has scrambled her mind to the point where she’s hallucinating—then this will all go away in a couple of seconds. If this is for real, the mech will be standing h

      25 min read

    • Article

      Judges

      Mar 10, 2024

      The doctors assured me the shrapnel in my leg would do no further harm if they “let sleeping dogs lie,” or at least less harm than trying to take it out would cause. “Hey,” I asked them. “What if it decides to cut its way out all on its own?” My grea

      12 min read

    • Article

      Metaphors Are Us: War, murder, music, art. We would have none without metaphor.

      Apr 29, 2013

      The other day I fixed something—a rarity for me. The flotation device in the toilet water tank was rubbing against the side, getting stuck halfway up so that the tank didn’t fill completely. I own a hammer and know how to operate it. But I couldn’t f

      9 min read

    • Article

      What’s It Like to Be Me Right Now?

      Nov 6, 2018

      What’s It Like to Be Me Right Now?
      4 min read

    • Article

      Bug Off

      Jul 19, 2021

      Bug Off
      3 min read

    • Article

      Metaphors Are Us

      Sep 5, 2019

      The other day I fixed something—a rarity for me. The flotation device in the toilet water tank was rubbing against the side, getting stuck halfway up so that the tank didn’t fill completely. I own a hammer and know how to operate it. But I couldn’t f

      9 min read

    • Article

      The Human Map

      Mar 1, 2020

      JUST AFTER DAWN, the humans’ starboat zoomed away through the clouds. Aliri had expected that, since the humans had arrived on her world just as quickly two months earlier. What Aliri had not expected was for her younger brother to come running from

      5 min read

    • Article

      Picasso’s Got Nothing on AI Artists

      Dec 5, 2019

      I’m trying to explain to Arthur I. Miller why artworks generated by computers don’t quite do it for me. There’s no human being behind them. The works aren’t a portal into another person’s mind, where you can wander in a warren of intention, emotion,

      8 min read

    • Article

      I Am Not a Machine. Yes You Are.

      Mar 31, 2021

      I’m trying to explain to Arthur I. Miller why artworks generated by computers don’t quite do it for me. There’s no human being behind them. The works aren’t a portal into another person’s mind, where you can wander in a warren of intention, emotion,

      8 min read

    • Article

      The Growing And Weeding Of Dandelions

      Dec 10, 2021

      The boardroom looked like it belonged in an office building, not a spaceship. The chairs had rolling wheels, there was a cup full of pens on the table, and the floor was carpeted. Spin gravity wasn’t a luxury on the Dandelion, it was a given. Faux wi

      10 min read

    • Article

      LEE McKINNEY BORN OF OSIRIS

      Aug 19, 2021

      LEE McKINNEY BORN OF OSIRIS
      3 min read

    • Article

      Elephant In The City Of Blind

      Feb 6, 2020

      Elephant In The City Of Blind
      5 min read

    • Article

      Dead Good

      Jul 21, 2022

      “This is a straightup arena banger plowing through a not-so-subtle social commentary about the epic clown-show we are all living in today. Addicted to ‘likes’ and ‘thumbs ups’, people really will do just about anything for that digital dopamine.” “At

      3 min read

    • Article

      Morbidity & the Miniature

      May 11, 2018

      Morbidity & the Miniature
      14 min read

    • Article

      Older than Old

      Jan 17, 2022

      Older than Old
      3 min read

    • Article

      Bill T. Jones

      Sep 3, 2021

      Bill T. Jones
      2 min read

    • Article

      Bill T. Jones

      Sep 3, 2021

      Bill T. Jones
      2 min read

    • Article

      The Sandman: Ingenious TV That Will Inspire An Entire Generation Of Goths

      Aug 6, 2022

      Nothing lets me know I’m in for a week of tedious emails like being tasked to write about a big-budget fantasy series for this fun TV column. So it is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I have watched The Sandman (available now on Netflix),

      3 min read

    • Article

      The Problem With New Cars

      Sep 20, 2022

      The Problem With New Cars
      4 min read

    • Article

      Imagine A World Without Animals

      Apr 2, 2020

      Imagine A World Without Animals
      3 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for The Dog's Dinner. The Avaganda Book of Short Stories

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      The Dog's Dinner. The Avaganda Book of Short Stories - Albert Benson

      The Dog’s Dinner.

      The

      Avaganda

      Book

      of

      Short Stories

      By

      Albie Benson

      Copyright 2011 Albie Benson

      Smashwords Edition

      Licence Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Eviction Notice

      Where is this place?

      I think we should have taken a left at Alpha Centauri.

      Oh, now you tell me. Computer.

      Yes.

      Turn around and go back to Alpha Centauri.

      Yes.

      Computer.

      Yes.

      Remind me to have you replaced when we get back home.

      Yes.

      There's better models than you on the market.

      Yes.

      Computers that you can have a conversation with.

      Yes.

      Shut up, I hate sarcastic computers.

      Calm down, it's not the computer's fault.

      Yes it is, I told it where the planet was, it should have taken us right there. Instead we are lost in some back of beyond.

      May I interrupt?

      What is it computer.

      We have arrived.

      Arrived where?

      At the third planet.

      The third planet where?

      The third planet in the 20031 solar system, in the Ragatine Galaxy.

      I thought we were lost.

      No you thought we were lost, if you had consulted me, rather than taken me for granted, I would have told you we were on course.

      See what I mean, a sarcastic computer.

      The computer's right, we didn't ask it.

      Fine, fine, fine, go on blame me.

      No one's blaming you. Anyway, how many can we bring back?

      They said they'd take as many as we could bring back. Now on the computer's calculation, we can fit nearly ten thousand in the ship's hold.

      But they would have to be kept separate, because some will eat others.

      Yes, I know that, the hold's already been sectioned. Computer take us into orbit and start beaming them up. Ten thousand at a million per unit is ten billion, ha, ha, we're rich, rich. I told you it was a good idea to buy those old deeds, that planet is ours, and just think when the big corporations find out about the units they'll be falling over themselves to invest.

      But Aloysius, no one's been there for the last five hundred million wangs, things could have changed.

      Ethelburga, it's a known fact that they don't evolve like other species. The Capital zoo has been breeding and cloning them for the last six hundred million wangs, and they just remain true to type, they don't change.

      Are you sure the export licenses are in order?

      Yes, stop worrying. Computer, have you started beaming them up yet?

      I cannot locate any.

      What?

      The planet is devoid of dinosaurs.

      No dinosaurs, no dinosaurs, what do you mean?

      I mean exactly what I say, there are no dinosaurs on this planet.

      Well you've got the wrong planet then.

      This is the planet according to your co-ordinates.

      Some gangle's illegitimate offspring has pinched them, they've got here before us and pinched the lot. I'm going to ring the police. This is my planet, I bought the deeds honestly, and it says in the deeds, indigenous life, mammals, reptiles, sub classification dinosaurs, all kinds. See, see, it says so here.

      Yes, I know Aloysius, calm down. Computer, is there any life on the planet?

      Yes.

      Well what is it?

      The dominant species are humans.

      Humans, humans. Aloysius banged his eight fingered four fists on the control panel. Humans, the vermin of the universe. That's that bloody Kaynak and his genetic experiments ten million wangs ago. It's okay, I've got a plan, we'll clone some dinosaurs from the couple at the zoo and in a hundred wangs they will populate the planet again. Computer, irradiate the planet, kill all the humans.

      I am sorry. I cannot do that.

      Why not?

      Intergalactic regulation number three, six, eight, eight, seven, six, two, two, two, zero, zero, zero, five, seven, seven, section four, sub paragraph B, states that when a human population develops communication they cannot be eradicated.

      They're vermin, they ruin everywhere they go, they fight, they pollute, they're obnoxious. Look, just irradiate the planet, no one will know, no one even knows they're here, what's a couple of thousand humans.

      Billions.

      What?

      There are eight billion humans.

      Eight billion, on that little planet?

      Yes.

      Eight billion, they must be living on top of one another. See Ethelburga, what did I tell you about these humans, they'll overrun the universe, they're the greatest danger the universe has ever faced. What sort of communication have they reached?

      They can speak all the universal languages, have developed a primitive mode of transportation, and have nuclear weapons.

      See Ethelburga, humans with nuclear weapons. Computer, how long have they had these nuclear weapons?

      Just over twelve standard wangs.

      Twelve wangs, in another ten they will destroy my planet. Right computer, get onto the Council in the Capital, apply for an eviction order, serve them with an eviction notice, and tell them to get off my planet.

      Contact made with Council.

      Aloysius drummed sixteen suckered digits.

      Eviction order applied for.

      Aloysius drummed twenty four suckered digits.

      Council acknowledges eviction order.

      Aloysius drummed thirty two suckered digits.

      Aloysius stop frowning, your developing worry lines on your proboscis. Ethelburga said stroking his mandible.

      The Council says that you have to go and speak to the humans first, if they refuse to leave, then you must apply for a court order. However, they may have planetary rights if they have been there for more than one million standard wangs.

      No one knows how long they've been there, probably the humans don't even know how long they've been there.

      The Council says that they will send a representative in the next couple of wangs.

      When exactly?

      They cannot say exactly, but your application is on file.

      Ask them if I can just irradiate the planet?

      They say no, because irradiation can only be done by Council employees, and beside, they say, it seems these humans have developed into a species.

      Tell the Council they are not a species, they are a genetic experiment.

      The Council said that their status will be discussed at the next full Council meeting.

      Tell the Council I want something done now.

      The Council reiterate their first statement that you will have to speak with the humans first.

      Do I have to speak with them? What am I paying my taxes for if I have to do the Council's work myself? I can't stand them, they're so ugly. I hate bipeds, and they stink, they give off this obnoxious aroma to attract one another.

      I wouldn't know dear, I've never met one.

      Take my advice they have disgusting habits. Did you know they take food in at the top three times a day, and it comes out the bottom.

      What, three times a day and the food comes back out?

      Yes, it comes back out, they only take so much from the food and the rest is wasted, then they just leave this waste all over the place, and their bodies secrete this liquid, that stinks as well.

      That sounds really disgusting.

      It is, but that's not the half of it, all they seem to do is cavort naked and copulate.

      Oh I'm sorry Aloysius, I'm not going down there, you'll have to go on your own.

      Ethelburga, we'll be all right, we'll have a force field, non of the stinky bipeds will be able to come near us.

      If you say so, but I don't fancy it.

      Computer.

      Yes.

      Fix us up with two force fields and beam us down to wherever their leaders congregate.

      Force fields activated, location found, the United Nations, New York City, North America.

      Oh computer, be ready to beam us back at a moment's notice. Are you ready Ethelburga?

      Ready Aloysius.

      Okay computer, we're ready.

      They disappeared and reappeared outside the United Nations.

      Oh Aloysius, what's that stink?

      Humans Ethelburga, that's what they smell like.

      Ooh, they're funny looking little things, aren't they?

      Hey man, great makeup.

      Please do not speak to us human, and please keep your distance or you will be harmed by our force field.

      That is great, you've even got the funny voice, how did you do that?

      Aloysius, more humans are gathering around us.

      Don't worry Ethelburga, the force field will keep them back.

      Are you with a film crew?

      "Is there a Star Trek convention going on?

      Can I have your autograph?

      Hey man, how did you make your trunk move like that, is there motors in there?

      Do not touch human.

      It looks so real, and it feels so real.

      Computer, the force field is not working.

      I'm sorry, but their pollution is blocking the signals.

      Human, do not touch me again.

      Aloysius, they are touching me all over.

      Human, take me to your leader.

      Aloysius, what is that noise they are making, and why are they falling over holding their sides.

      I don't know Ethelburga, I'll try it again. Human take me to your leader.

      Aloysius, more of them are falling over, some of them have liquid coming from their eyes.

      Human, take me to your leader.

      Aloysius why are they all rolling on the floor?

      I don't know Ethelburga.

      Aloysius, there are more humans coming. I'm frightened.

      So am I. Computer beam us back. Computer, computer.

      Hey man, that should be beam us up Scottie.

      Computer.

      Wow, they disappeared.

      Fantastic.

      That was the best special effect I've ever seen.

      It was a hologram, they just turned it off.

      Hey no way man, I touched its trunk, it was real.

      So did I.

      And I did.

      It was a hologram.

      "Hey man, do you think they were really

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1