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    Inspector Baseheart's Secret Files
    Inspector Baseheart's Secret Files
    Inspector Baseheart's Secret Files
    Ebook103 pages1 hour

    Inspector Baseheart's Secret Files

    By Arthur Crowley

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    About this ebook

    As usual Inspector Baseheart’s plate is filled with blood and baloney. These are the never-before revealed Secret Files. Why have they been kept secret? The estimable Howard Cress of Fortnight Publications writes an introductory comment which treats of this issue, and also of the quirky personality of the man who is the world’s most famous detective since Sherlock Holmes.
    Of course, it is the excitement and the complexity of these investigative files which have fascinated readers over the years. Here are a few tantalizing tidbits:
    A wealthy heiress calls Inspector Baseheart with problems. Her horoscope has recommended caution: “You will die April 10 at 2:30 p.m.” A fortune teller has taken one look at her palm and fainted. The leaves in her teacup appear to her as a grinning skull. One week later she is dead! The inspector is interviewed on the television program Today’s Murder “Inspector! The crime was impossible! How did it happen?”
    A ferocious, carnivorous Ape Man has escaped his cage at the Downtown Sports Center, and has attacked and devoured many victims. The entire city is threatened! The creature prefers Vegetable Lasagna with meat sauce, but has been spotted lurking near the City Orphanage! A giant Havahart trap has been especially constructed by experts from the Municipal Zoo and it is painstakingly baited with only organically grown ingredients. Wait! There is no garlic bread! Holding the loaf of bread like a football, Gonzalo must become a professional running back and risk death to save the metropolis!
    A high school English teacher is forced to diagram sentences by fiendish but mediocre former students. Mistakes call for amputations. Misplaced modifiers “are single knuckle offenses, while Improper Subject-Verb Agreement can result in a “beheading.”
    Inspector Baseheart has a bone to pick with Aesop. Why?
    Baseheart wonders:
    Q: Why don’t people want the stuffed head of a gorilla mounted over the fireplace?
    A: They always look like they’re about to make trouble.
    A billionaire’s well protected compound has been successfully invaded. The suspected burglar has neutralized the heat and motion sensors and passed unscathed through a minefield. He has surmounted a 12ft. wall topped by electrified razor wire. After all this, how does he prevent a highly trained cadre of Vegan Hunchbacks from tearing him to pieces? Of course it is by donning a Lady GaGa Meat Dress and wearing furry flip-flops! But how was he able to get back out? Only Inspector Baseheart has the answer.
    And what is the distinction between a useful fallacy and a misleading factual truth?
    Ask Inspector Baseheart. Or read this book.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherArthur Crowley
    Release dateJun 18, 2011
    ISBN9781458102034
    Inspector Baseheart's Secret Files
    Author

    Arthur Crowley

    65 years old. Taught school for 30 years, preschool and elementary. Have two cats I don't particularly like (The feeling is mutual). Married to Sharon. One daughter, Amanda, just graduated from the University of Texas, Austin.Play horeshoes, read, write, try to get enough sleep.

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      Book preview

      Inspector Baseheart's Secret Files - Arthur Crowley

      Inspector Baseheart's

      Secret Files

      by

      Arthur Crowley

      copyright 2011 Arthur Crowley

      Smashwords Edition

      __The Stories__

      Introduction

      The Movie Murderer

      The Lapdog Murders

      The Earwick

      Remember the Alamo

      He Girl From Ipanema

      Gerunds

      An Unholy Paradox

      Aesop VS Baseheart

      The Impossible Crime

      No Enemies List

      Gonzalo's Tacos

      The Ape Man of Verduke

      THE SECRET FILES OF INSPECTOR BASEHEART

      INTRODUCTION

      by Howard Cress

      Why these files were ever kept secret is not immediately known. Inspector Baseheart has always been in the public eye , creating headlines with his magisterial ability for solving the most baffling of mysteries, and for bringing the most heinous of villains - for example, Birman Perez, - to ultimate justice, or to an agonizing, blood-soaked, twitching and screaming, well deserved death.

      But also he has been a private soul. Even his closest friends were never entirely certain of his politics, religion, or sexual orientation. Many shameless and lurid tell-all books have been published, and yet the Inspector, head held high, manages to remain above the silage. Possibly in each of these tales there exists a clue – a clue to the psychological make-up of this remarkable man who is the world’s most famed detective since Sherlock Holmes. I really do not know the wellspring of his genius, although I have been his friend for many years, and now that they are no longer secret, you may at last read these captivating tales and draw your own conclusions.

      INSPECTOR BASEHEART’S TWO MILLISECOND MYSTERIES

      THE MOVIE MURDERER

      The headline in the morning newspaper caught Inspector Baseheart’s attention.

      SECOND MOVIE THEATER HOMICIDE

      NO ARRESTS

      Is it tea? Gonzalo had popped his head in Inspector Baseheart’s door with his customary morning inquiry.

      Not yet, replied the Inspector. He indicated the kitchen. Steep away, old chum!

      Gonzalo removed his jacket. But of course. He began walking toward the teapot.

      And I’ll read the news to you while you do so, offered the inspector.

      Tres bien.

      I’m duly impressed. Listen to this! A second strangling victim this week was discovered in a movie theater, even as the film continued to run. It was at the Cinemax One Thousand. That’s just around the corner! …. Disgusting.

      I was there. I know. said Gonzalo shaking his head. Murder is never pretty.

      I meant that Reubens fellow. The movie they were showing was Pee-Wee Takes a Shower or something. Never mind! What do you mean you were there?

      I was there for both incidents. The first was last Tuesday at the Cinemax One Million, or whatever it’s called. It was Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. I didn’t notice anyone strangling anyone else. Actually I didn’t see anything either time but a body being carried out on a stretcher. I got free passes in the mail for each of them. Quite a coincidence, eh?

      Quite.

      A murder completely ruins the movie! Let’s say the plot is about someone who is missing and has possibly been done away with. Or has had his bicycle stolen. Let’s say Sherlock Holmes is on the case. He’s about to solve the crime… but here comes this smelly corpse being trundled up the aisle! The movie is ruined! Ruined!

      Especially for the victim, I’d venture. Who was he, by the way?

      It’s funny you should ask, said Gonzalo. As they carried the stretcher by my seat, the blanket fell away from his head a bit, and I recognized him. It was Federico Agnichi. He was a big Italian thug and bully at my prep school, Green Hills of Academe. He got himself elected class president.

      How did he do that?

      By bending our fingers back to our forearms in the bathroom. He sent one kid to the hospital. Little Richard Moody was his name. Cried like a baby, poor thing. I was the only one to visit him. They had put his hand in a cast up to the elbow. I thought it was a terrible injustice and told him so. We made plans to bring the affair before the school board, but one day he just vanished. Nothing came of it after that. He didn’t have a friend in the world.

      Baseheart retrieved the newspaper article. Is this name familiar? Robert Pascuale?

      Oh yes. He was called BoBo. Another big bully. He was Agnichi’s henchman. Why?

      He was the second victim.

      Gonzalo rapidly massaged his face with both hands and peeked out between his fingers. This is weird! I knew them – both of them! What do you think, Inspector? I always hated and feared the Agnichi Gang! Private schools always breed the worst miserable scum on earth! And now they’re coming back into my life years later! It’s as if I’m being picked on from beyond the grave!

      You are, answered Baseheart. The question is why?

      Gonzalo laughed. You’re joking!

      Quite the contrary, old friend. The whole business smells of pre-calculation. The scent of revenge hangs over it.

      This is too much damned crime sniffing on your part, if you ask my opinion. Let your nose get some rest!

      Good idea! I think I’ll sleep on it. Inspector Baseheart first sat, then collapsed, on his floral settee and shut his eyes. My ears could do with a respite also, he muttered. Inside a minute regular breathing had begun.

      Gonzalo exited with a smile. Your brain as well, he whispered.

      **

      It did happen. This is why:

      Sleeping on it, as often used in reference to problem solving, has been demonstrated in Advanced Education studies to be helpful learning behavior. The sleeping brain not only revitalizes, but also re-organizes and reevaluates recent information. An enigma, seemingly hopeless at bedtime, becomes perfectly clear in the morning. And this was the case when Gonzalo returned to Inspector Baseheart’s apartments the next day.

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