From Jason's Journal

From

Jason's

Journal

Caleb A. Mertz

Dedicated to my best friend Luis, And to Leah, Naomi, and Carla

Also by Caleb A. Mertz

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The Unexpected

...phenomenal. Would not expect to see a story like this, definitely gives us a new perspective.

—Preeya Patel via Facebook

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The Silhouetted Leaves

...sent chills up my spine.

—The Carlisle Sentinel

Jason's

Chapter 1

BIRDS WERE singing now that the severe thunderstorm rolled away. I lay in my room with my cat Snickers lying on my chest listening to the festive noises coming from the opened window. Feeling the cool breeze flowing over me, I thought about the horrible day I had at school. Incense fumes flowed through the air as Celtic music gently filled the room. I was ready to relax. Having been taught how to do selfhypnosis, I intended to do so to make the day disappear, but it festered and seared through this desire.

I had the brains and the drive to be a star student but lacked the motivation. It was difficult to go to school every day when it would only lead to torment. Though I had friends, there were always one or two people that knew how to make me feel awkward or unwanted. That day I found myself walking along the corridor all alone after a conversation with the high school principal. She wanted to give me the option of having advanced teacher to student tutoring, since I was excelling in math and science. However, I could only take advantage of this option if the truancy stopped. I would have to stop purposely missing gym class. Regardless, I was amazed to hear this news and immediately my imagination began to soar.

As the lockers passed me on either side of the hallway, a pleasant daydream teased me; I was sitting behind a computer receiving data from a humanoid that I built. A complete photo and flow chart of how this robot would be built began to fill my brain. It was exciting, especially knowing I could do anything I put my mind to. As I walked in a gaze, drunk from the insane options presented, a school newspaper came into view. I decided to pick it up as it lay on the floor askew and clearly stepped on once or twice. Upon initial interest I glanced at the headlines, Do We Have What It Takes with a picture of the football team huddled together. Letters to John followed by a picture of a kid that sat two rows in front of me in philosophy. Then there on the side was the headline, What’s the Issue: Homosexual’s Sin, followed by a picture of a grinning Seth. Seth sat next to me in one of my classes and was my assigned gym buddy in physical education. I only had time to read the first paragraph before the bell rang.

Homosexual’s, living in the big cities, have been coming out and around to rural settings; infuriating the public and spreading disgust in everyone’s house. So, I took a poll from fellow students on what they thought about this issue. Here is what I found…

The hallways began filling with fellow students. I stopped walking and stared at the paper. Movement of students around me brought me back to where I stood. I should have turned around and went back to the principal, voiced my concern for them allowing this to be published. I didn’t. Psychology class was next, all the way on the other end of the school. With little time to make it, I folded the paper and put it into my notebook.

Walking into class my eyes darted around to see who was at class already. I needed to read this article, but kept it closed to minimize any rise of suspicion.

Seth, the author of What’s the Issue walked into class with the usual crew of three other guys. They took their usual seats and remained unsettled, as usual. Today, however, they spent more time looking at me then indulging themselves in their ridiculous cackling ritual. It made me nervous. I kept reading yesterday’s notes over and over, then flipped back a few pages to make it look as if I were studying something. They just kept laughing, boneheads! I read the same line close to twenty times, High school philosophy traditionally and conditionally contains just a little immaturity and a lot of thinking.

Jason… Seth started in a whisper loud enough for the whole class to hear. Why couldn’t the teacher be here? I knew this wasn’t going to be any good but anticipated the taunting. I noticed you like to talk with your hands. The whole class broke out with laughter. I turned red with embarrassment. I wasn’t sure why I was embarrassed, but knew he was referencing his witty article. Seth usually made it a point to say at least once a day that I was gay.

I also heard that you have a lot of girlfriends, he said laughing at how funny it was to humiliate me. Well not girlfriends, just girls that are friends. The whole class roared with laughter once again. Even Becky, the bitch I thought was nice as pie sitting next to me. Why would she even join in?

It’s all here on the list Jason. Why don’t you take a look? Seth pulled the paper out of his notebook and opened it for me to see. He couldn’t have been happier to get away with getting his article published. He proudly displayed his name directly beneath the headline, next to his picture. I glared at him, not wanting to lend any reaction to him. I couldn’t let him get to me. The whole class was watching my every facial twitch, every blink of my eyes, watching and waiting for tears to collect there. I was never good at confrontation.

Hmm, it’s funny though Seth… I started, now finally at my breaking point. Your mom fits just about every category here.

It was perfect! A mom joke and turning the gay thing back around on her! I was happy with the way it came out, but maybe it was too good of an insult. I watched his face go serious, then the hand that held the paper up began to lower. A quick sound of the desk sliding backward from his forward thrust hit my ears before he made contact.

Seth’s head plowed into my arm as he came in low to get the most leverage—as practiced on most football teams. My desk toppled over and landed on my shoulder. The pain surged, but I quickly scrambled to get out of the desk so I could defend myself. My heart was beating hard, eyes wide waiting to see what would come next. But Why would I wait? I had to attack. Nearly blinded by the surge of emotions I didn’t make out the shriek from Seth. It could have been my own shrill expression of pain for all I know. It took a second for my eyes to adjust to Seth holding his hand to his mouth, blood oozing from it.

With blood dripping onto the floor from between his fingers, fed by the now missing tooth in his mouth, a certain sense of pride boiled within me to see his lip was split down the center. The legs of the desk flew out and caught him in the mouth, knocking a tooth out. Normally it would be gross to see blood spilled on the floor, but something within me fantasized about more. Seth stood and ran from the room, face blue from pain, and tears streaming his face. Served him right. What kind of person gets away with treating anyone the way he treats me?

The classroom sat in complete silence looking at me groveling in my thoughts. The noise then increased and laughter began soaring through the air, poisonous arrows directed at me and my pride. The teacher walked into the room to see me setting the desk upright. Unwilling to stay and be laughed at a moment longer I grabbed my notebook and ran from the classroom.

I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom to evade the pursuing teacher. I looked at myself in the mirror. The teal tiles reflected the fluorescent light, causing a sickly green color to drape my face. My face, round with an ugly nest of brown hair atop, and horrible color changing eyes, stared back at me. Usually, after a torrent of humiliation, I would have been bound on the guidance department, but not this time. No one really knew what this was like. I continued to see every flaw and disgusting feature about me as I stared into that mirror. Unable to look anymore, I got lost in my thoughts, and gazed beyond the mirror. Its unknown depths with dark corners came into awareness. I refocused on myself to see the reddened eyes and watch the first tear fall. I was thinking—thinking too much. My mind became foggy and unbearable. I just wanted to jump out of my disgusting body. I wanted to stop thinking. I couldn’t stop thinking. More thoughts penetrated my heartache. It hurt, it was torment, I threw my hands to the back of my head and gripped a handful of hair in frustration. Pulling tight, I cried.

I knew I couldn’t go one day! I cried more still. My face is grotesque when I cry, but I couldn’t help it.

I’ll never get away from him. The thought shot anxiety through my body which then swirled in my mind. Unbearable as it was I had to feel anything but this, so I squeezed my head between my arms as hard I could and pulled harder on my hair. I’m gay. They hate me because I’m gay.

Hey Jason, I replayed Seth’s malicious tone in my mind.

What the hell do I do? I was lost. I had no answer to my own problem. I couldn’t get out of the torment I was in. The frustration surmounted, the anger boiled, the hurt tore at my mind. I made eye contact with myself again and saw those sorry, red, tear stained eyes.

I’m gay. No one’s supposed to know. Is it that obvious? This is a sin. Of course they’ll make fun of me. I’m a freak! A freak that likes guys! A fucking freak that likes guys! Why! Why would this happen to me? How can I let this happen? Why can’t I just like Anne? She’s pretty.

Because you’re GAY!

I couldn’t think any more, so I hollered. I screamed as loud as I could. I was the only one to blame. I hollered and gripped the marble slab sink. My eyes bulged while my face turned a violent purple. I could see stars streaming across my sight before the feeling of dizziness hit.

I didn’t feel any better. I gripped the marble convinced I had to do damage to it. I wanted to punch, destroy; obliterate something. Wooden soles slapping against the marble hallway caught my ear. I had to settle; they were coming in my direction. I quickly put the paper back into my notebook and attempted to dry my eyes. I was going to leave. I wouldn’t stay here in this hell another moment. Not sure where I would go, or what I would do, I just had to leave.

I faked a smile to walk out of the bathroom, when I saw my teacher quickly approaching.

Jason, what happened? she asked.

Nothing.

Jason, I need to talk to you. She called after me. I hurried along the corridor to get to my locker.

I don’t want to talk.

Jason, what did you do to Seth? There’s blood everywhere.

What did I do? I wanted to throw something at her, just for being stupid. She continued, We need to get to the principal’s office right now and you need to tell me what happened.

I couldn’t believe her. It was not going to be a good idea for her to follow me, but she did anyway. I wanted to yell at her, get her away from me, hurt her with words. Not because I hated her, but I didn’t want her there. I didn’t want her to see me in this state.

Why don’t you ask your beloved students what happened. I did and I can’t believe what they said. She said sadly.

And what did they say? I asked, arriving at my locker. She stood momentarily without saying anything. That was fine enough, it gave me time to put the code into the padlock and get my locker open. I looked at her, as I grabbed my book bag and began stuffing my personal belongings into it. I then slammed the door still looking at her. She looked worried as her eyes glanced behind me at two hall monitors making their way towards me, keys shaking with their hips in a hurried walk.

They said you attacked Seth with your desk. She shook, unwilling to believe this. I looked at her again. I adjusted my book bag so I could make a dash to the door and let the emotions rise that I had been trying to keep from her.

Yeah? I asked, enraged. If this was something she wanted to believe, I could certainly help build her case. I looked at her, considered my options, then began to holler again, and I knocked every one of his fucking teeth out too! The anger, fear, and selfloathing presented itself and covered her entirely. I didn’t see her reaction. I had already made it to the door, with two lazy hall monitors running after me in what they thought was full pursuit.

Chapter 2

THE SOUND of the birds and the slow soft music was stupid! I was stupid. How could I possibly expect to come home from this and relax?

Jason! My mom called up the stairs. Oh shit! Here it comes. She probably knew by now. I was certain the school would have called her at work, explained the situation and then she would have called the cops to report me. Not that it would make any sense to call the police, it was just something she liked to do whenever something got out of control. I glanced to the door to make sure it was locked securely.

Jason! Can you come help me pick some flowers? She yelled up the attic stairs to me. Relieved she wasn’t shrieking, Get the hell down here so I can wail your sorry ass! My eyes wandered around the room, which did a better job at calming me down then attempts at deep breathing and odd music. I realized how much I liked my room, as it was as close to paradise as I could get.

Not receiving a response from me, my mom closed the door to the attic and headed back downstairs. She would proceed to tear through the garden ripping every flower from its stem and uprooting flowers that weren’t blooming yet complaining about all of the weeds. I imagined this, as I’ve seen it before, and it brought one of the first smiles of the day to my face.

I had to give up on my attempt at relaxation; especially because I couldn’t help but to see her wreaking havoc on the garden I worked so hard on. I’d get more relaxation and expel some frustration if I went outside than anything else. An annoyed meow came from Snickers as I moved her to the side of the bed. She blinked at me but padded way like she had better things to do.

I wasn’t surprised to see my mom pulling wickedly at fragile flower stems. She was a pleasantly plump lady, as was everyone in my family, with dark brown hair. Wrinkles had settled into her skin over the years but were few and barely detectable. Her cheeks were always rosy and she had green eyes that were complimented by any outfit. People told me I carried many of her looks, but I had brown eyes instead of green and had the nose and jaw from my dad. This combination made for a very attractive young man, as long as I wasn’t shrouded by rolls of fat and double chins.

Oh Jason! She said looking up, smiling, and pulling a young phlox plant up by the roots. Dismissing her joy, I had to inform her of what she had just done.

Mom, that’s a phlox flower you just ripped up. I said hurrying my stride to survey how damaged the poor plant was.

I thought it was a weed. She said.

No, this is a phlox plant. I said, taking it from her and trying to nestle it back into the earth, the pretty purple and pink cluster flowers you really like.

Oh, she looked around ashamed, That’s why I need you here when I do this gardening thing.

Well come out when I’m out here and I’ll show you. I responded, worried by the appearance of the distressed phlox.

I want to make laundry detergent, she voiced her reason for picking the flowers. I looked at her for a second, wanting to