Snide Remarks in Sotto Voce

How to Collect the 100 Free Cell-Phone Minutes You Receive in the Mail

1. Place the ad you received in the mail for 100 free cell-phone minutes on the pile of bills on your desk that require your immediate attention.

2. While performing occasional triage on this pile, which is threatening to take over your desk, ignore this ad several times because you are suspicious that there must be some catch. Suddenly notice, on the eighth run-through, that the expiration date is imminent, and follow-up with the ad.

3. The ad says to call a number to activate the free minutes, so make sure you’ve gone to the bathroom and taken care of all other necessary bodily functions in preparation for a potentially long engagement.

4. Use your cell phone to call the long-distance number, in the hope that it will recognize the phone and automatically assign the free minutes. Per the prompt, press one to speak English, and then hold because of the high caller volume.

5. Listen to the recording advising you that you could have done this much more easily on their Web site.

6. After several minutes a customer service specialist will come on the line and ask you for your cell phone number (they didn’t recognize your phone), the last four digits of your social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. Supply this information. Then she will authorize the 100 free minutes.

7. Ask her, just by the way, how many minutes you have on your plan, and how many you use on average. She will tell you that you pay for 900 minutes each month, and use about 150. Ask her about reducing your minute plan so you can save money each month. Just as you get started on this, your call will be dropped because of poor cell phone service.

8. Shout God Dammit! and then repeat steps 4 through 6.

9. Explain to the new representative on the line that you have discovered through calling to collect your 100 free minutes that you need to reduce your minute plan. She will immediately say Well, you don’t get your 100 free minutes then.

10. Tell her that you need to figure out a reduced plan anyway, and ask about the options. It will turn out that she is in the wrong department, because she only authorizes the 100 free minutes, and she will transfer you to customer service. Just after you have told the new customer service representative your cell phone number, social security number, and mother’s maiden name your call will drop again because of poor cell phone service.

11. Shout God Dammit! again, add a few other expletives, and then call back, because now you’ve realized that you’re spending an extra $30 to $50 a month (repeat steps 4 through 6 again, only this time use your land line so you don’t get disconnected).

12. Ask for customer service. After supplying all of the security information once again, explain that you need to change your plan. The representative will help you analyze your phone usage over the last year and will recommend the most economical plan for you. You decide to switch to that plan.

13. The representative will then tell you that you cannot switch to that plan over the phone; that you will have to go to a store to do it, because you are reducing your minutes instead of increasing your minutes.

14. Say thank you, because you are polite despite it all, hang up and go fix yourself a martini.

~~~~

Playbull

An off-off Broadway production of:A Picnic sur la Grasse

A Couple Meets Some Friends for the Weekend and Things Go Awry!

Who’s Who in the Cast and Crew

Ashley Mimsey-Whittenton (Anais): I am ecstatic to be playing Anais in this totally excellent production. And working with EboneY – it’s such a dream – except when he smokes those weird cigarettes right before the kissing scene. EboneY! Here’s a shout out to my parents: Hey Dad: Told you so about the acting classes. No more bitching about that, OK? And it’s pronounced An-a-is, not An-anus or An-ass for all your smart alecks out there. Credits: America’s Next Top Model (contestant, season 3), Naughty Bar Girls (girl), Zombies from Hollywood (victim/zombie), Frat Party (girl in pool scene), Deluxe Bathing Suits (catalog model).

EboneY (Blair): I’m like, eXhilarated to be playing Blair, I’m totally dowN with it. Especially when I get to kiss Ashley Mim-Whit. Yo, Ashley! She da bomb! And that long part in the third act when I’m offstage . . .Well, we’ve got a damn good game of cards happening in the back there. I mean a daMn good game! I had to really work on my pecs to play this role, if you know what I mean. All that nudity! Well, only partial nudity for me but Ashley – I’m like, yO biTch, put it in its place! Credits: American Idol (contestant, season three, if you look close enough you can see me), Street Dancing (high school production), Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (straight guy), America’s Funniest Home Videos (video of the guy with the beer bong). And I’d like to thank that Esquire dude for the really cool article and photo shoot. Look for me there in oCtober.

Cindi King (Sue): I’m elated to be in this production, even though I am playing Sue. I’m used to more of a challenge, you know? So it gets really irritating when Shirley keeps taking away my cell phone during rehearsals. I’m not twelve years old, for chrissakes. Credits: Wicked (regional), High School Musical (high school production), South Pacific (understudy).

Matt Baldwin (Joe): I was euphoric to get the part of Joe in this fine production. You might not know it from the script but once you see me playing Joe you’ll understand that he’s a character with a real history – an alcoholic father, bipolar mother, difficulties with learning disabilities in high school, but, despite it all, a cum laude college graduate. Did you know Joe spends his free time rescuing animals from shelters and collecting stamps? Credits: The Suite Life of Zack and Cody (laugh track), Hannah Montana (laugh track), Cops (perp), Wonder Pets (guest pet), Alvin and the Chipmunks (crowd extra).

Ashley Peeks (housemaid): Yeah, I’m the other Ashley. Not that Ashley. ’Though I can’t say I’m that embarrassed about it. I’m not envious, no. Especially when people ask me to take my clothes off and Ashley (the other one), says, No, it’s me who takes her clothes off! Yeah, I’m really glad I went to Julliard and NYU acting school and did all those internships and got all that coffee for all those lech producers, it really paid off, right? So, right, that’s me in the background with the feather duster. Enjoy! Credits: Waiting for Godot, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Lysistrata, Oedipus Rex, The Cherry Orchard, bobrauschenbergamerica, My Vagina Has a Conversation with Me, etc. etc. etc.

Shirley Barker (Director): I am absolutely exuberant to be directing this wonderful play. A play about love and loss; about people who get hurt and people who forget their pants. And to work with this fine cast of young people! And by young I don’t mean vain, shallow, selfish and inexperienced. What I mean is they’re so full of potential. Yes, if you look hard enough you’ll see all sorts of latent possibility. Latent just like a caterpillar before it builds its cocoon, when it’s voraciously eating everything in sight with its insect mandibles, engorging its segmented body and its thousands of larval muscles that it uses to hump from one meal to the next, a meal that might consist of leaves or detritus or other caterpillars or my winter coat. A caterpillar that at times may regurgitate its digestive juices or produce bad smells through its extrudable glands to repel attacking enemies. A caterpillar that might camouflage itself as a bird dropping to escape detection. Not so pretty, right? But then, look, it spins itself a cocoon by excreting some kind of glue and then its tubular body sort of decomposes and recomposes and, if you’re lucky, a beautiful butterfly will emerge. Although sometimes it’s a big ugly hungry moth, like the one that was trying to get into my closet last night. I had to squish it – don’t you hate having to squish one of those really fat juicy moths? Credits: Shakespeare in the Park, Shakespeare on the Sound, Shakespeare on the Pier, Shakespeare at the Mediocre Junior College, Modern-Day Shakespeare Interpretations.

Frank Congeali (Lighting): I was eager to be Head Lighting Guy in this production until I got to know the cast, then I became enervated. Thank god for Bilbo – that’s what we call Shirley’s personal assistant – he’s a little short. I think his real name is Seth or Armando or something like that. Anyway, thank god for him and for Lexapro and for coffee. And, ok, for tequila. Shirley keeps saying, It’s a romantic comedy, not a zombie movie, and I keep saying, I’m a lighting guy, not a fucking magician, and Some people should just not be naked in public. But who listens to the lighting guy? Credits: WKXQ’s Fatslob and Manwhore in the Morning, rogue performance art exhibitions at Ground Zero, Central Park and the east side Benihana’s, Shakespeare with Shirley