Sacred Sin

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Sacred Sin

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by Virginia Llorca

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Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2011

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Chapter One

The huge dapple gray horse cast an ominous shadow as it walked calmly on lead beside the small blond boy. Tiny yellow leaves were sifting to the ground and into the whiskey colored creek where they floated away like little golden longboats. The boy could pretend the ladybug sitting on one of them was the captain, but he knew it was just a ladybug. And, for some reason, it was more fun to watch a ladybug taking a boat ride. It was a perfect late summer day in the English countryside. Although the boy was dwarfed by the horse, walking along with it was as natural to him as walking with a puppy. Finally his mother had relented and said he could take the horse with him if he promised to keep him on the lead and not try to ride him. Daniel always rode with his father, and was as comfortable on a horse as he was walking, even though he was barely six. But his father wasn’t coming home anymore.

His mother had carefully explained about an airplane crashing and they had to go to church and she said it was his daddy in that box. But it didn’t really make much sense to Daniel. She also said he was in heaven and watching over them. He knew she was sad and trying to comfort him and herself, but it was a little confusing. If the plane crashed, then how did he get to heaven? And who was in that box? He kept hoping there was a mistake and his daddy would drive up any minute now. He really wanted to ride Pepper with his dad beside him. Sometimes daddy let him go really fast. It always made them laugh so hard.

She told him she was sorry he didn’t have anyone to ride with, but she didn’t ride. He even asked her to please learn, but she was afraid she would fall off. Sometimes Ian, who took care of the horses and the house, would ride out with him. But Ian was always so busy. And Ian wouldn’t let him go very fast. And Ian just talked very gently to him, all the time, like he was a little baby. They never laughed the way he laughed with daddy.

When Daniel was away at school last year, all he could think about was getting to go home again. He hurried up and finished all his work, hoping if it was done they would let him go home. Then, while he was home this summer, daddy went away, and Daniel had nothing to do. All the books were read, all the cars raced, all the Legos built and rebuilt. Now he thought it would be fun to be back at school because there were races and games and songs and programs and football and the other kids his age. He sat by the creek after he tied Pepper to the little tree and he watched the fish jump and a fox run through the field across the creek and he noticed more of the leaves were turning color and falling. So he knew he could go back to school soon. He stood up next to the creek, stood on a log, grabbed Pepper’s mane, climbed aboard and rode as fast as he could. He just made sure he got off the horse far enough from the house. He thought he was really good at keeping that secret from mom.

Back at school, Daniel kept busy. Although he was much smaller than the other six year olds, he was included in every game. And he loved to be in the programs. His mother was coming down at Christmas time to see him in the program about Jesus, and then they would drive home together. He was feeling content, although he did not know that was the word for it. And he hardly ever thought about his daddy if he kept busy enough.

When he was about seven, his mother told him they had to have a talk. Daniel knew this was never good and usually involved something that smelled bad that he had forgotten in the mud room or under his bed. But this time she talked about getting a new husband. Daniel guessed that meant she wasn’t waiting any more for his father to come home. When she explained that it was that man that often came to visit and brought those boys and that girl with him for the weekends, he was kind of glad. She said it was ‘Mr. Burnham and the Burnham children’. Daniel thought she was saying burn ‘em and that worried him a little. He wondered if it was something they did, or something someone wanted to do to them. But they always had fun and laughed a lot, even though he thought they were very naughty and loud. And one of the boys was at least ten or twelve, so maybe his mother would let them ride out and they could go really fast.

The man was there all the time now, and mommy said he was the stepdad, but, Daniel couldn’t help it. After a while he accidently called him daddy. He felt bad about making that mistake, but the man smiled, so he figured he wasn’t in trouble. The man was nice and seemed to enjoy patting Daniel on the head for some reason. So Daniel let him. He never hugged him or picked him up the way the other daddy did. But Daniel knew he was getting too big to be picked up anyway. His mother was smiling a lot again, so Daniel thought she must like this man.

When the boys and the girl came down each weekend, they got to ride the horses. Except Peachy, the little girl. She was too small and they only let her ride the pony around the yard. But the boys were allowed to ride out on their own. Mother and father made them promise not to ride too fast and they had to wear a helmet. But they always hooked their helmets on the saddle because they made your head so hot and sweaty. And the oldest boy, Liam, said it would be all right to go fast if they all promised not to tell. So they went very fast sometimes. They laughed a lot. It was fun to have big brothers most of the time. Mostly they helped him and told him stuff. Sometimes Laird was kind of mean and he always called him Fuzzy, only he said, Foozy. Daniel didn’t want to tell his mother when Laird was mean because he was afraid she would make him go away. Mother said Daniel could come home every weekend now if he wanted and he almost always did.

Sometimes he had to stay at school if there was a program. But mother and father and the three children -- mother said they were ‘step brothers and sister’ -- all came down to watch. Lots of the other boys had real brothers and sisters. But Daniel thought these were just as good and probably way more fun because they were so wild and loud. They screamed and hollered and jumped on the seats when Daniel was on the stage or taking a bow, and mother and father were usually laughing when they tried to shush them, and Daniel couldn’t help but laugh and wave to them no matter what the teachers said.

***

They had been out riding all morning and the ground was very muddy because of all the rain that had fallen recently. Daniel and the boys forgot and ran in the front door. There was hay and mud all over the marble floor before the children stopped in their tracks and realized what they‘d done. They were all looking at each other, trying to decide if they should run back out and pretend they didn’t know who made the mess when the father came in. He looked very angry. The other boys were older and they didn’t look very scared, but Daniel was afraid tears would start to come out. Then Liam reached out and held Daniel’s hand. The father yelled at them and said they had to help Ian clean up this mess and they better not forget to come in through the courtyard from now on, Or else there might not be any more riding for careless, forgetful, and very messy boys.

Daniel never heard a father yell like that before and he was very worried. If he was that mad, he might leave them and never come back like the other daddy did. But Daniel noticed when the dad walked out of the room he was trying very hard not to smile. His mother was waiting in the doorway and watching this whole event. When they walked away together, arm in arm, Daniel heard them laughing a little bit. So he thought that everything was alright. And Ian made them all laugh when he helped them clean up the hall. Laird said that fathers had to yell like that if the children were bad. Daniel thought it was really good that everything always worked out so well. Even the biggest messes.

***

Often, when they were all out riding or laughing or playing a game, Daniel felt like he was just watching them and wasn’t really there with them. But when they shouted his name or asked him something or told him it was his turn, he felt better.

The two older boys had their own room at Daniel’s house. And when they were there to visit, Daniel almost always snuck in there to sleep with them after his mother kissed him goodnight. They would tell the scariest stories and sometimes Daniel tried to tell a scary story too. But all he could think of was knights and kings and people who rode horses a lot. He tried to make it scary, and sometimes the boys listened, but sometimes they told him it was boring and would usually end up saying, "Listen, I want to tell you this story and it is really scary." Daniel would rather listen to their stories anyway. And he fell asleep thinking about knights and kings and people on horses doing scary things.

***

When Daniel was back at school, he tried out for every program and play. He knew it wasn’t his own story he was telling, but it was a good way to get people to listen to him. And sometimes the people in the audience were so quiet when he talked on the stage and they always clapped really a lot. Daniel loved the part when he got to take a bow with the rest of the cast and he loved listening to the people clapping for him.

When he was about twelve, a man in the audience came over to his mother and father when they were leaving with Daniel. He asked them if they would bring him to London to read for a part in a real play. It was going to be in a movie though, not on a stage, but Daniel wanted to go and see what it was like. He got to be in the movie. He was one of boys who lived in an orphanage. He got to speak, but they curled his hair and he thought that was pretty stupid. It was the greatest fun when he went to see the movie with his family. They all laughed and clapped and jumped up in the seats and screamed and shouted when Daniel was on the screen. He watched it and remembered what it was like to recite the words and stand in the right place and say everything at just the right time. They even told him when to look scared or smile or be angry. When he saw it on the screen it almost seemed to him like he really was that boy in the orphanage and he was amazed how all the instructions and waiting around fitted together to tell the story just right.

***

All of a sudden, Daniel got very tall and a little bit skinnier. His voice got really weird, and sometimes it came out of him sounding like someone else’s. And he could never figure out how to make it stay the same. He didn’t get to be in any movies for awhile, but he paid attention at school and worked very hard. He got all the work done and got Honors, and still had time to be in the programs and plays at school. He loved to play football, but he was one of the lightest boys on the team. His mother said it was ‘gawkiness’ and it would go away. The coach said he could go in the weight room now that he was fifteen, and warned him that he should never forget to go to all the meals, no matter how busy he was. He realized this was good advice when he started to catch up to the other boys on the team in size and weight.

When he was home, the older brother, Liam, didn’t want to tell stories any more. All he wanted to talk about was the girls he met at his school. He talked about all the stuff he did with them and all the things that happened to him, but Daniel was kind of embarrassed. The brothers started to tease him a little because he never told any stories about girls. He’d never paid much attention to girls, and there weren’t any girl’s schools near his. But he listened so that he would know what you were supposed to do and how to do it.

***

When they were out riding one summer day, the granddaughter of one of his neighbor’s rode along with them. She really liked to talk a lot. Daniel was surprised that she seemed to like to talk to him the most. He noticed that the brothers were riding away to leave him with Molly more and more. And when he came home later, they questioned him about what he had done with Molly and what was he planning to do. Molly was not shy, and a lot was going on that Daniel was a little uneasy about. But he’d heard enough about this from his brothers and gotten enough lectures about it from his mother and father that he pretty much knew what was going on. It was fun and he knew how to keep out of ‘trouble’, the one thing Liam and Laird warned of over and over.

When he went back to school, he got a few letters from her and he answered them. But when she wrote to tell him it was ‘all over’ that she was with someone new, instead of feeling sad, he felt like he wasn’t too sure what was ‘over’. Had it really been that big a deal?

All in all, the year he was fifteen was pretty much ordinary for Daniel, and he was content. Sometimes he still got that feeling that he was just watching everything around him, but people liked him and demanded his attention so often that he didn’t really have time to notice if he was lonely. He was in a play with a girl that was so blonde and so delicate that he couldn’t help but be in love with her. She liked him, and they were together for awhile, but she didn’t really seem to need Daniel’s attention and they soon moved apart from each other. This time he had a very real feeling that something was over, and for many years he looked for someone who interested him as much as she had. But after a while, the memory he tried to replace became too faint and he let it go.

He was asked to be in more commercials and another movie. His very blonde hair and huge blue eyes apparently photographed very well and Daniel was very good at following directions. Soon, he was working all summer long and taking time off school to do even more movies and plays and commercials. He was able to keep up his Honors grades anyway and he never thought much about what he was planning to do with his life. Soon it just became what he did.

People knew who he was, and the premieres and the award ceremonies became another part of his life. There were always many beautiful women who were very interested in Daniel, and he was almost always with one. But after awhile, he could barely differentiate the memories he had of them. He concentrated on his work and found he was particularly good at playing classic roles. He preferred that and there was always enough variety of other roles. His life was very good, and it all seemed to be very effortless for him. He was able to buy a beautiful place on an island where his mother and all the Burnhams loved to go. They had the greatest times when he could join them there. But, lately, it seemed he could rarely find time for it. The feeling that he was just watching life being lived around him came to him more frequently and he began to feel there was something that acclaim and attention and financial freedom could never provide for him. For quite a long time now, he’d been feeling that what he was doing with his life presented no challenges for him anymore. He talked to his closest friends about his wish to try something different. Perhaps they could give him a chance to work behind a camera instead of in front of it. Not that he wanted a different career. He just wanted to find out if he was really in the place he should be. Some of his American friends had a refreshing idea and they invited him over to discuss it and participate if he wished.

Chapter Two

Barney Abrams was almost four when Jennifer McFarlane was born. Barney had a baby brother already so he knew a lot about babies. He came over to see Mrs. Mack’s new baby. He usually just walked into the house because they liked him just fine. Mrs. Mack was changing the baby’s diapers.

Yikes, Mrs. Mack. That’s gross. It stinks way more than our baby.

Sorry, Barney. It comes with the program.

It gots no winky, Mrs. Mack!! Where’s its winky?

She’s a girl, Barney. Girls don’t have winkies

Then where’s the tinkle come from?

Oh, girls have a special place for the tinkle. I think your mommy will want to talk to you about how girls go tinkle.

She put the baby in the stroller and went outside. Barney wanted to push it for awhile and she let him. Soon he was bored though, because all this baby did was sleep. What’s hers name?

Her name is Jennifer. Maybe we will call her Jenny.

Well, hers a nice baby durl, Mrs. Mack. Too bad she gots no hair. Bye.

Mrs. Mack had already gotten a glimpse of what was in store for Jenny and Barney.

***

When Jenny was taking her first steps, Barney wanted to hold her hand. She’s way littler than Georgie.

Well, you have to be the big brother for Georgie. He needs a big brother. And I bet you are going to be a good one.

Well, I have to be Jenny’s too, cuz she doesn’t have one.

Maybe you can be, Barney, but only if Georgie doesn’t need you first.

C’mere, Jenny. Walk to me, Jenny, Barney said as he held out his hands. He laughed with a note of the purest glee when she took three steps and fell against him.

***

By the time she was three, Jenny was a thorn in Barney’s side. He was going to school now and his boy pals were always over to play. When Mrs. Mack brought Jenny by, it was to see Georgie and his mom because Barney thought Jenny was a pest. But if there was no one else to play with, she was pretty good at Legos, for a baby.

When she was four, he yelled, Red head, red head; fire in the wood shed! until she cried.

I am not going to marry him. He’s mean.

Oh, were you having talks about that? Is the engagement off already?

You said boys tease girls cuz they like them. But I don’t like him.

So much wisdom at four, thought Mrs. Mack.

When Jenny was around ten years old, Barney and Georgie would come over to the pool. Barney was always allowed to jump in after he moved the lawn and Georgie was usually along. But Barney was in high school now, and he barely noticed Jenny. Three years later, he graduated and went for two years active duty in the Navy. If he stayed in the reserve, the Navy would pay for his college and he would get a commission. His dad was Navy. His neighbors were Navy. It sounded good to Barney.

****

Jenny was tiny and a few years ahead of herself in school. She never gave much thought to her figure and was surprised when the boys started teasing her about being flat-chested. She thought her breasts were just the size they were supposed to be. She was glad she didn’t have those huge knockers that the girls had to clutch to themselves when they were skinny dipping and jumping in the quarry. Then in AP English, they were studying T. S. Eliot and Cats and as soon as the guys, each buffoon three or four years older than her, heard Jenny Anydots, they started to call Jenny Jenny Tinytits. It started to bother her, but she could take care of herself. She would target the worst of the teasers and catch up to him on the way home. Let’s walk through here. It’s so peaceful. as they passed the Episcopal Church with the beautiful arched colonnades. She would nonchalantly set her books on a bench and lean up against a shadowy wall. He would stand there a little dumbfounded, uneasy. So, I heard you’ve been saying I have no tits.

"I just said they’re kinda small."

"Betcha would still love a peek, huh?"

And while he was muttering Uh, well, uh, I guess. She was rolling up her tiny t-shirt and he was transfixed. They were perfect and adorable.

"Wanna touch ‘em?"

"Uhh, and he would ungracefully step forward and put his fingers on her breasts in his unpracticed, distracted state and make a weird moan of helpless delight, surprise, pleasure and pain. And that’s when Jenny would reach down and give a grope to his, of course, huge, uncontrollable, teen-age boner and he’d gasp and she would let go and look right into his eyes and disdainfully say Pfft" and walk away. In two months, the teasing was stopped. The guys were all afraid to tell each other what happened, and, to a man, they were completely smitten with her. And she was walking around feeling more cocky and much taller, at least as tall as she could feel, a quarter inch shy of five feet.

***

Jenny pushed the picnic table over to the fence so she could climb up and talk to Barney, home after his two years active duty. Whoa! Barney was hot! Tan, buff, maybe a little taller.

Are you coming into the pool, Barney?

In a minute, Jen.

She floated on a raft while she waited for him. Splash. He upended the raft and knocked her off deliberately. "Did you miss me, Jenny?

Really. Really a lot. I didn’t think I would. She tried to get back on the raft, but he kept upending it. He picked her up and put her on his shoulders and made her jump off over and over. She finally climbed up the ladder and looked at him standing in the water. You have to slow down, Barney. You’re too rough for me. I’m not a Navy Seal.

He stood looking at her and noticed her for the first time in years. Her curls had turned to tiny dripping coils on her forehead and she had apparently dyed her hair a kind of maroon color. She was wearing a very small black bikini with a rhinestone pirate skull on one half of the skimpy top and another on one side of her butt. The wet fabric was clinging to her tiny but very perky breasts. The wet bottom was half way sliding down the curve of her ass and the tan line it revealed caused an unruly lightning bolt to shoot through his brain and down to his crotch. He was thankful the cool water came up to his armpits. She had at least three earrings in each ear, three in her lower lip, and one with a pink jeweled skull dangling from it in her navel. Her toes and fingernails were painted black. Holy crap, Jenny. What’s with this Goth thing? I don’t know if I like it. And how old are you now? Where did you get that body?

Sears catalogue, idiot. And I’m almost fifteen.

Your mom didn’t spaz about this?

Yeah, kinda. But I’m A plus and advanced placement and promised no tattoos til I’m seventeen, so she just kind of laughs and puts up with it. She says she has a good memory.

Well, good luck with it because the freckles and the cute little nose kind of ruin it for ya. So are you too scared of Big Bad Barney to come back in?

After a few hours of vigorous chasing and dunking and throwing her nifty little body around, Barney was starting to think his days of playing with his life-long friend were at an end. They were lying on the deck and talking and he knew she was getting to him in a disturbing way. And she was illegal. Just about every time she reached over to playfully poke or slap at him, he had to turn over on his stomach and think about polar bears. And, really, did she have to lay that close to him? He was bright and sensible, and very directed in his career goals. Maybe in a few years they could reconnect but being careful around girls was something that his parents had drilled into him for years now, and it stuck. He decided to cool it with her but she was too much on his mind. When it was hot it was just too hard to stay out of the pool, and he usually ended up over there with her.

***

It rained off and on for a few weeks and Barney had been sticking close to home. I haven’t seen Jenny around much lately.

It’s kind of a problem for me, mom. She’s really cute, actually kind of hot, and she’s getting to me. And she’s way too young. I’m trying to avoid the situation.

That’s a problem. Our families are very close and it might be a temptation. Just staying away from her is almost impossible.

And I don’t know if I’m up to avoiding that temptation. And she’s barely fifteen.

Just be careful, baby.

"Yeah, I know how to do that.

**

Barney’s dog, Belinda, had