This Is Mine: My Story, My Life

Contributors:

Helen Ramaglia, Jesse DeLuna, Kellie Hamilton, Leroy Berrones-Soto, Jr., Rev. Marie Smith, Marija Sophia, Missy Jay, Nikki J,

Phyllis Amalfitano Kessler Guilmette Thompson, Sheniqua, ShirleyAlexis JohnsonBrady,

and Tenisha Edwards.

WARNING:

Some of the stories in this book include extremely graphic descriptions of physical abuse and neglect.

Copyright © 2014 Malinda Phillips, The 90/Ten Project

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved.

The information contained in this book is for informational purposes only.  The material in this book may include information, products or services by third parties. Third Party Materials comprise of the opinions expressed by their owners. As such, we do not assume responsibility or liability for any Third Party material or opinions. The publication of such Third Party Materials does not constitute our guarantee of any information, instruction, opinion, products or services contained within the Third Party Material.

No part of this publication shall be reproduced, transmitted, or sold in whole or in part in any form, without the prior written consent of the authors. All trademarks and registered trademarks appearing in this book are the property of their respective owners.

Smashwords ISBN 9781311247506

Contents

Acknowledgements

Forward

Introduction

Chapter 1: Philly’s Story

Chapter 2: Advice for Foster Parents

Chapter 3: Sheniqua’s Story

Chapter 4: Jesse’s Story

Chapter 5: Childhood Dreams

Chapter 6: ShirleyAlexis’ Story, Part 1

Chapter 7: ShirleyAlexis’ Story, Part 2

Chapter 8: Family is…

Chapter 9: Leroy’s Story

Chapter 10: Our Strength…

Chapter 11: Nikki J’s Story

Chapter 12: Tenisha’s Story

Chapter 13: Unsung Heroes

Chapter 14: Helen’s Story

Chapter 15: Questions for The Judicial System

Chapter 16: Marija Sophia’s Story

Chapter 17: Aging Out and Adoption

Chapter 18: Missy Jay’s Story

Chapter 19: Hope

State Child Abuse Reporting Hotlines

Resources For Adult Survivors

Glossary of Terms

Acknowledgements

I would like to express my appreciation to all those who have donated their labor and love to making this book one of excellence. This book would not have been possible without the support of my husband Sean and our children Kaitlin, Ashley, Jacob, Brooklyn and Allison.  I am grateful for my parents; you set an example of unconditional love, a legacy I now leave to my own children.

Words cannot express my gratitude to our editing team Marie Smith, Kaitlin Brown, Alicia Knudson, and Elizabeth Humphrey for polishing this book and making it excellent. 

Special thanks to my friends and colleagues who contributed to this book.  Reverend Marie Smith is an Ordained Pastor at Clough United Methodist Church in Cincinnati, Ohio.  She and her husband Todd are in the process of completing their home study to become foster parents.  I have no doubt that their family will provide a safe, loving home for the children who find themselves placed there.  Kellie Hamilton is a caseworker in Dayton, Ohio. She has been serving families engaged in the child welfare system with compassion, humility, and genuineness. Her laughter is a welcome sound to the families she serves.

My thanks are not sufficient to show my appreciation to the brave individuals who contributed their stories in this book.  Your voice matters! 

Malinda

Forward

The 90/Ten Project started as a simple idea to share the stories of those who have been or are currently placed in foster homes.  Our mission for this book is to share the stories of those who have experienced foster care, and simultaneously to provide support to children who are currently in care. 

The 90/Ten Project is committed to donating 90% of the proceeds from this book to organizations that are already serving youths in foster care. For some children, life in foster care can be challenging, and for others can be downright abusive or neglectful. It is our hope that we strengthen our resolve to support children in positive, safe environments regardless of where they are residing.

It is a tragedy that the very system that is meant to care for and protect these vulnerable children sometimes unintentionally becomes the perpetrator of great suffering.

We have chosen solid organizations with a proven track record for supporting foster children to receive funding from this book.  We have identified One Simple Wish to grant special wishes to children in foster care and The Dave Thomas Foundation, Wendy’s Wonderful Kids Program for child focused adoption recruitment.  Our goal is to provide an extra source of funds to aid foster children with any special needs, holiday help, birthday wishes, extracurricular activities and to support child specific adoption recruitment.  For a current list our partner organizations, please go to our website:

the90tenproject.com/partners

We have preserved the writing style of each individual who has submitted their story to this book.  We have used minimal editing when necessary to enhance the reader's ability to clearly understand their story.

The future of The 90/Ten Project is exciting!  We are exploring future book releases as we continue to sustain relationships with the foster alumni who have shared their journey with you.  We welcome your feedback as we expand and grow our mission. With each book release, we continue the mission of The 90/Ten Project, sharing 90% of the profit from each book with solid organizations that are already serving the needs of foster children. We will provide monthly updates of donations to our partner agencies on our website: www.the90tenproject.com

This book is a labor of love. We hope and pray you will find it filled with raw truth, perseverance, and hope. Our wish is that you can really hear the voices of those who have walked a painful path and yet found their own resilience in the process. This book is a representation of life for children in foster care. As a community, we are responsible for ensuring safety for all our children. It is not up to teachers and social workers... We are all responsible.

Thank you very much for your support.  If you would like to contact the authors for speaking engagements, comments, or feedback, we can be reached at the90tenproject@gmail.com

Malinda

Introduction 

The author of this book is a child welfare professional with years of experience working with families due to problems with abuse, neglect or dependency.  I have helped many at-risk families navigate the child welfare system and seek support to enhance safety for the children in their care.  I have seen firsthand the effects of poverty, domestic violence, mental health problems, substance abuse, and neglect.  I have walked alongside children, much like those who have shared their stories in this book, during times of great suffering, sadness and loss.  I have rejoiced in the uniting of children with stable, loving homes and cried with those who have experienced monumental losses.

This book uses terms that are common language for those who have experience with the child welfare system.  There is a Glossary of Terms for your convenience at the end of the book, along with a Resource Guide for Adult Survivors and Hotline numbers to reports suspected child abuse or neglect.

I would like to thank our contributors.  Your voice matters! You now have a special place in my heart, and I am especially grateful to have met you!  Thank you for your support of this book, of The 90/Ten Project, and for your advocacy for abused and neglected children.  You have a bright future ahead of you.  Your stories will impact many others for the better. Thank You!

Chapter 1: Philly’s Story       

My favorite writer, Rainer Maria Rilke says that we should leave certain questions unanswered in our hearts. He reiterates we should love the questions themselves, taking from them a curiosity and peace in their mystery. This is not an easy feat.

When I was taken from my mother, I was found broken, burnt, nonverbal and locked in a basement, with a boy just a few years older than me. For years as a young child, the identity of this young boy plagued my dreams and instilled a child-like fantasy of a lost brother and sister running down the street into each other's arms.

I would watch tearful television reunions of mothers whose separation from their child (voluntary or not) somehow impacted their life. Forgiveness and tears always followed and everyone reunited years later, running off into the sunset, full of new colors. As a young, confused child, these Hollywood images were indeed saddening in many ways.

Foster children, aside from dealing with abuse or neglect challenges, do also have a whirl of mystery surrounding their life. Identity is equally as challenging as safety and trust. Some, if not all foster children, use this fantasy as a self-defense mechanism; it gives an abandoned or abused child the hope that they were loved in some way even by perpetrators of abuse.

Even into adulthood, some foster children remain hopeful that the orphan Annie musical is somehow written for them. Surely, every parent loves their child? Surely every parent regrets abusing / neglecting / abandoning a child? Sadly, those statements are sometimes wrong.

There are indeed many foster children and adopted children who go on a hunt for their real family many years later and are successful. Wounds are healed, transgressions forgiven, and sometimes well-intentioned parents live up to the fantasy of loving protectors. They loved their child, they lost them due to some mistake made, and they have good souls.

Sadly, not all parents are benevolent. Not all biological families had good intentions. Abusers NEVER have good intentions. For foster children whose past involved physical, sexual or emotional abuse, I would say this fantasy does more harm than good. This fallacy, this little candle in the dark, can bring great torment to those who solve the mystery by finding biological relatives and bring great emptiness to those who do not.

While I advocate the reunion of biological relatives with foster children, when that child or adult will be safe from physical or emotional harm, all too often opening Pandora's box, well...it opens Pandora's box. For me, this was certainly true.

When my mother's court visits ended at age ten and she disappeared from my life, I found myself obsessing over a reunion. Sometimes that fantasy involved her groveling; sometimes it involved forgiveness and baking apple pies. Either way, it was fantasy; there were no roots in reality, except the shattered dream of a child.

I had grand ideas of my father, thinking he was some poor unlucky soul, who happened upon my mother.. and had no idea he