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    Out of the Monkey Trap, Breaking Negative Cycles for Relationships and Therapy
    Out of the Monkey Trap, Breaking Negative Cycles for Relationships and Therapy
    Out of the Monkey Trap, Breaking Negative Cycles for Relationships and Therapy
    Ebook155 pages2 hours

    Out of the Monkey Trap, Breaking Negative Cycles for Relationships and Therapy

    By Ronald Mah

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    “Out of the Monkey Trap, Breaking Negative Cycles for Relationships and Therapy.” Therapists can help clients break repetitious cycles of negative behavior in dysfunctional relationships through using strategic principles. Individuals' experiences are to being stuck riding a personal train of intimacy pain suffered in such relationships. Similar to getting out of the trap by getting the monkey to release its grip on a seemingly essential fruit, therapists help clients recognize how they keep themselves stuck. In addition to strategic therapy, therapists will learn how many theories and therapies also target harmful relationship and life patterns that require interruption. These principles and strategies commonly used to address systemic issues in couples and families are also applicable for individual therapy. Intrapsychic confusion because of various internalized personas, values, embedded cultural and family-of-origin models, and social and relationship demands create personal conflict that can cycle relentlessly and fruitlessly within an individual.

    Therapists will learn two important strategies for healing and growth. The first is identification of positive patterns to perpetuate and accentuate that lead to productive choices and behaviors for the individual intrapsychically and for couples and families. Simultaneously, therapists should guide clients to also identify negative patterns to eliminate or minimize that continually cause stagnation and harm. Together these strategies lead to improving emotional well-being and intimacy. A basic plan, basic questions, six-step and nine-step treatment plans, guidance on interrupting the pattern, techniques from strategic principles of therapy, as well as the use of humor are presented. Therapists are directed to identify five elements in the personal process: another's behavior, interpretation, harm experienced, personal effects, and response that become strategic points for intervention. Assessment focuses on six common indicators that suggest the application of strategic principles for therapeutic intervention: cyclical behavior patterns, stereotyped perception or lack of perceptual flexibility, lack of cognitive insight, presence of unacknowledged implicit values, and authoritarian traditions or patterns.

    Therapists learn assessment and application of first order and second order change principles for addressing entrenched dysfunctional behaviors in individuals, couples, or families. Therapy from conceptualization and assessment, as well as facilitating crises are discussed to reduce client resistance, increase health, and prompt second order change. Therapists learn how as the monkey squeezes the fruit harder, pulls harder and more frantically, individuals, couples, and families intensify already ineffective processes in frustrating and failed attempts at first order change. Therapy becomes like the monkey who releases the golden fruit to reach towards more a more enticing reward and almost magically frees itself, as it shifts clients fundamentally to become unstuck through second order change.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherRonald Mah
    Release dateJan 30, 2014
    ISBN9781310008726
    Out of the Monkey Trap, Breaking Negative Cycles for Relationships and Therapy
    Author

    Ronald Mah

    Therapist, educator, author and consultant combine concepts, principles, and philosophy with practical techniques and guidelines for effective and productive results. A Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (licensed 1994), his experiences include:Psychotherapist: individual, child and teen, couples, and family therapy in private practice in San Leandro, California- specialties include challenging couples, difficult teenagers, Aspergers Syndrome, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, learning disabilities, cross and multi-cultural issues, foster children, child development, parenting, and personality disorders;Author: twenty-one project/books on couples therapy for a doctoral program, including substantial work on major complications in couples and couples therapy (including depression, anxiety, domestic violence, personality disorders, addiction, and affairs); articles for the Journal of the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapist (CAMFT) on working with teenagers, elder care issues affecting family dynamics, and assessing dangerous clients, online courses for the National Association of Social Workers- California chapter (NASW-CA) on child abuse prevention, legal and ethical vulnerabilities for professionals, and difficult children, “Difficult Behavior in Early Childhood, Positive Discipline for PreK-3 Classrooms and Beyond” (Corwin Press, 2006), “The One-Minute Temper Tantrum Solution” (Corwin Press, 2008), and “Getting Beyond Bullying and Exclusion, PreK-5, Empowering Children in Inclusive Classrooms,” (Corwin Press, 2009); Asian Pacific Islander Parent Education Support (APIPES) curriculum for the City of San Francisco Department of Human Services (1996), 4th-6th Grade Social Science Reader, Asian-American History, Berkeley Unified School District, Berkeley, CA, (1977), and trainer/speaker of 20 dvds on child development and behavior for Fixed Earth Films, and in another time and career three arts and crafts books for children: two with Symbiosis Press (1985 &1987) and one with Price, Sloan, and Stern (1986);Consultant and trainer: for social services programs working with youth and young adults, Asian-American community mental health, Severe Emotional Disturbance (SED) school programs, therapeutic, social support, and vocational programs for at risk youth, welfare to work programs, Head Start organizations, early childhood education programs and conferences, public, private, and parochial schools and organizations,Clinical supervisor: for therapists in Severe Emotional Disturbance (SED) school programs, child and family therapists in a community counseling agency, Veteran Affairs in-patient clinician working with PTSD and dual diagnoses, foster care services manager for a school district, manager/supervisor for the Trevor Project-San Francisco, and therapists in a high school mental health clinic;Educator: credentialed elementary and secondary teacher, Masters of Psychology instructor for Licensed Marriage & Family Therapy (LMFT) and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) track students, 16 years in early childhood education, including owning and running a child development center for 11 years, elementary & secondary teaching credentials, community college instructor, and trainer/speaker for staff development and conferences for social services organizations including early childhood development, education, social work, and psychotherapy.Other professional roles: member Ethics Committee for six years and at-large member Board of Directors for four years for the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapist (CAMFT), and member Board of Directors of the California Kindergarten Association (CKA) for two three-year terms.Personal: married since 1981 after dating since 1972 to girlfriend/wife/life partner with two wonderful strong adult daughters, and fourth of five American-born children from immigrant parents- the older of the "second set" of children.

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      Book preview

      Out of the Monkey Trap, Breaking Negative Cycles for Relationships and Therapy - Ronald Mah

      Out of the Monkey Trap

      Breaking Negative Cycles for Relationships and Therapy

      Published by Ronald Mah at Smashwords

      Copyright 2013 Ronald Mah

      Ronald Mah's website- www.ronaldmah.com

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      ****

      Abstract:

      Therapists can help clients break repetitious cycles of negative behavior in dysfunctional relationships through using strategic principles. Individuals' experiences are to being stuck riding a personal train of intimacy pain suffered in such relationships. Similar to getting out of the trap by getting the monkey to release its grip on a seemingly essential fruit, therapists help clients recognize how they keep themselves stuck. In addition to strategic therapy, therapists will learn how many theories and therapies also target harmful relationship and life patterns that require interruption. These principles and strategies commonly used to address systemic issues in couples and families are also applicable for individual therapy. Intrapsychic confusion because of various internalized personas, values, embedded cultural and family-of-origin models, and social and relationship demands create personal conflict that can cycle relentlessly and fruitlessly within an individual.

      Therapists will learn two important strategies for healing and growth. The first is identification of positive patterns to perpetuate and accentuate that lead to productive choices and behaviors for the individual intrapsychically and for couples and families. Simultaneously, therapists should guide clients to also identify negative patterns to eliminate or minimize that continually cause stagnation and harm. Together these strategies lead to improving emotional well-being and intimacy. A basic plan, basic questions, six-step and nine-step treatment plans, guidance on interrupting the pattern, techniques from strategic principles of therapy, as well as the use of humor are presented. Therapists are directed to identify five elements in the personal process: another's behavior, interpretation, harm experienced, personal effects, and response that become strategic points for intervention. Assessment focuses on six common indicators that suggest the application of strategic principles for therapeutic intervention: cyclical behavior patterns, stereotyped perception or lack of perceptual flexibility, lack of cognitive insight, presence of unacknowledged implicit values, and authoritarian traditions or patterns.

      Therapists learn assessment and application of first order and second order change principles for addressing entrenched dysfunctional behaviors in individuals, couples, or families. Therapy from conceptualization and assessment, as well as facilitating crises are discussed to reduce client resistance, increase health, and prompt second order change. Therapists learn how as the monkey squeezes the fruit harder, pulls harder and more frantically, individuals, couples, and families intensify already ineffective processes in frustrating and failed attempts at first order change. Therapy becomes like the monkey who releases the golden fruit to reach towards more a more enticing reward and almost magically frees itself, as it shifts clients fundamentally to become unstuck through second order change.

      ****

      Linked Table of Contents

      Abstract

      Introduction: STRATEGIC PRINCIPLES

      Chapter 1: SEQUENCE & HIERARCHY

      Chapter 2: BASIC PLAN & BASIC QUESTIONS

      Chapter 3: TREATMENT PLAN

      Chapter 4: INTERRUPTING THE PATTERN

      Chapter 5: TECHNIQUES

      Chapter 6: HUMOR

      Chapter 7: THINGS THAT HAPPEN

      Chapter 8: INTERPRETATION

      Chapter 9: HARM

      Chapter 10: PERSONAL EFFECTS

      Chapter 11: RESPONSE

      Chapter 12: CYCLICAL BEHAVIOR PATTERNS

      Chapter 13: STUCK PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR

      Chapter 14: STEREOTYPED PERCEPTION / LACK OF PERCEPTUAL FLEXIBILITY

      Chapter 15: LACK OF COGNITIVE INSIGHT

      Chapter 16: PRESENCE OF UNACKNOWLEDGED IMPLICIT VALUES

      Chapter 17: AUTHORITARIAN TRADITIONS OR PATTERNS

      Chapter 18: QUESTION THE PREMISES

      Chapter 19: PARADOXICAL DIRECTIVES

      Chapter 20: SECOND ORDER CHANGE

      Chapter 21: CRISIS & IMPASSE AND SECOND ORDER CHANGE

      CONCLUSION: MONKEY TRAP

      Bibliography

      Books by Ronald Mah

      Biographic Information

      ****

      **Author's Note: Other than public figures or people identified in the media, all other persons in this book are either composites of individuals the author has worked with and/or have been given different names and had their personal identifying information altered to protect and respect their confidentiality.

      INTRODUCTION: STRATEGIC PRINCIPLES

      With apologies to Pop Goes the Weasel, a nursery rhyme and song with uncertain origins and meanings, there are often strategic principles of repeated cycles and patterns in relationships and households.

      All around the Muldowny House,

      The momma chastised the daddy.

      The daddy repeatedly brought up her sins,

      Pop! goes the tempers.

      The son smoked a pipe of pot,

      The daughter ate the brownies.

      Threw it up and made like nice,

      Pop! goes the family.

      Genevieve and Dillard had been married for seven years after dating for three years. They were both in their mid-forties. Genevieve ran a small eldercare placement business with a partner. They had been doing it for about eight years and it had grown from a two-person business to having some administrative staff and two full time staff and five part-time staff. Dillard had been a firefighter for ten years after time in the military, college, and a stint trying to get established as a stockbroker. They had two children: one teenage boy and one middle-school girl. Genevieve had worked hard to get her business up and running over the past eight years. Only recently, has she been able to pull back some and let the others manage more of the day-to-day operations. Dillard has felt that Genevieve can be insensitive to him. Over the years there have been many times where she would come home late from work. Or, she would not call to tell him that she'd be late. Dillard had high value on this kind of communication. He emphasized how he always made it appoint to call her if he was going to work late or be delayed getting home. Genevieve admitted that she had not been real conscientious about calling, but hard gotten a lot better over time. She had accepted that it was not fair to Dillard to have him hanging when all she needed to do was make a call. She didn't think it was particularly fair for him to still harp on this when she'd done so much to be better. Dillard said that at times he wondered if she was really committed to him and the marriage. He started doubting the marriage himself. Neither partner had any suspicions about the other's fidelity. They continued to be playful with each other. They acknowledged that they tended to work very well together as co-parents. Yet neither initially considered personal therapy nor couple therapy for themselves.

      Despite their professed dedication to each other and their children, their contentious energy infected the family. When Genevieve and Dillard argued, including the icy hostile aftermath both children became distressed. Geoff dealt with the stress of their battles with alcohol and marijuana. He had tried to make Mommy and Daddy not fight when he was younger, but that had never worked. From being a good student and well-liked by both teachers and peers, Geoff claimed to have given up on them. However, Geoff went from relatively passive sulking to active acting out and defiance against any authority figure whenever things got hot between his parents. His defiant behavior manifested in more drinking and smoking pot included becoming more oppositional to everyone. At school, this lead to confrontations with teachers and other students and suspensions. Around town he got caught for truancy and being intoxicated in public. At home, his behavior created major uproars that served to distract his mother and father from their own personal problems. Otherwise out of sorts and often antagonistic, Genevieve and Dillard would drop their contentions to unify as parents problem-solving for their incorrigible teenage son.

      While dealing with Geoff's drama, they often counted as a blessing their delightfully problem-free daughter Jenny. Jenny who was an excellent student, an accomplished pianist, and star soccer player for her school team always tried to make things right. As Geoff subconsciously tried to distract their parents from battling with his acting out, she tried to calm everyone down. She could not however prevent her parents from arguing, so she tried to make the household perfect, her grades perfect, and her body perfect. Geoff became less willing to be bothered with his parents' issues and started to disconnect rather than stay involved. As this happened, it become more incumbent on Jenny to make things right at home. Carrying this burden, she became bulimic. Jenny often ate compulsively and secretly. Strenuous exercise was one way she dealt with the excessive calorie from her binges. Recently, she had discovered the magic of purging. Only when her friend who caught Jenny purging during a sleepover after they had overindulged with pizza and ice cream sundaes told them did Genevieve and Dillard have any idea that she had any issues as well. She had been their perfect child who had never caused them any concern.

      Whenever Genevieve and Dillard united and activated to deal with Geoff getting into trouble and to provide support for Genevieve when they discovered her eating disorder, their tension diminished. Geoff with stabilize and return to his reluctant passive aggressive sullen manner without demanding crises. Genevieve was duly helped: heart to heart talks and bit of therapy, and she would returned to her normal perky perfect persona. Done with these crises however, Genevieve and Dillard also returned to their prior functioning- contentious, spiteful, and argumentative. And,

      All around the Muldowny House,

      The daddy resented the mommy.

      The mommy cuts off the sex,

      Pop! goes the tempers.

      They started going at it with each other again. Stress and tension rose again in the Muldowny household, and the cycle resumed. So,

      The son flunked every class,

      The daughter cut inside her thighs.

      Both found ways to get high,

      Pop! goes the family.

      There they went- around and around on their personal intimacy pain train. Unlike the magical train ride that goes around Disneyland that takes delighted passengers to repeatedly see delightful scenes and sights, this definitely was not a fun ride. In some relationships, couples, or families, they seemed doomed to be re-visit the same old frustrating, hurtful, and devastating relationship crises over and over. The individuals and the family were not really aware of how they were repeating cycles of behavior, action and reaction, choice, and consequences over and over. Nor or they aware how they keep themselves stuck like the monkey holding onto

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