Shudder

PROLOGUE

There weren’t days here. We could make it seem like there were if we wanted, to try to create some kind of actual life in our exile to this strange, mystical world. We could control our perception of everything here. Our minds formed the basis of everything we saw, smelled, heard and tasted. We lived in a spirit world, and everything was an illusion of our own making. We were the gods of the Spiritus Mundi.

But it wasn’t worth it to me. Jason kept trying. He liked to construct elaborate fantasy lives for us. He would create places for us to live in—island paradises filled with enormous mansions and peopled with servants to bring us drinks, complete with little paper umbrellas. We would sip them under palm trees, reclining on the beach in the sun, staring at blue-green water.

I don’t know if Jason was really happy in those little pretend vacation spots or not. I know that he wanted to make me happy, and perhaps for that reason, he pretended that they did.

But I could never really accept them. Deep down, I knew that they weren’t real.

We had chosen to stay here, in a spirit realm, because if we left...

Oh, it was complicated. Sometimes I didn’t even think I really understood it. It had seemed so clear at one point. I had been willing to sacrifice the rest of my life for the benefit of the world.

Jason and I controlled the Spiritus Mundi. We kept balance here between the Dark and the Light. We kept these primal opposites united in each and every human being on the planet. And so we kept the world stable.

But sometimes...

Sometimes while sipping margaritas on a beautiful white beach, or while making love to Jason with the splash of salt water embracing our bodies, I wondered if it even really mattered.

The world hadn’t been balanced before, not when we met. Had things really been that bad?

Certainly, it had been scary when the two forces had been concentrated in the two of us, and we’d had terrifying powers of influence. We’d caused so much destruction.

But we didn’t have the power anymore. We’d broken it up and scattered it.

Sometimes I wondered if that wouldn’t be enough.

That was why I often slipped out of Jason’s fantasy worlds and went to the edge of the Spiritus Mundi, where I could watch what was happening in the real world, the material world. I couldn’t break through into it without messing everything up, but I could watch the people we loved.

In this way, I’d seen the birth of Hallam and Marlena’s daughter, Kenya. I’d watched Chance, Jason’s son, on his first day of school. I’d watched him hold baby Kenya for the first time. He’d scrunched up his nose and said, She sure is little, isn’t she?

I cried when I watched. I thought that was why Jason always told me to let it alone. He didn’t like to see me sad. But it wasn’t sadness, not exactly. It was a mixture of sadness and joy. And I went back to watch as often as I did, because their lives were real. There was something solid and definite about their lives. I missed the feeling of reality.

I think Jason missed it too. For all that he’d tell me to stop spying on them and to try to let go, he wouldn’t drag me away. He’d watch too. I saw his expression when he saw his son, how proud he was. How much he loved him.

But if I asked him about it, he’d get gruff. It’s better for him for me not to be around, he’d mutter. And then he’d show me his next creation in the fake world we lived in. A skiing chalet with hot chocolate already set out for us in huge mugs. Or an expedition to the top of a tall mountain. Think of the views, he’d say.

And I’d say, The views aren’t real.

And then we wouldn’t talk about it anymore.

In the beginning, Jason had tried to convince me that we could have whatever life we chose. The Spiritus Mundi could make any dream we’d ever had look, smell, taste, and feel real. He said we’d build our dream life. And I went along with it until he wanted us to pretend we were having fake children. I balked at that. I couldn’t.

We’d argued then. It had been heated and violent, and it had shaken the foundations of the Spiritus Mundi. The whole place grew dark, cold, and stormy, and no amount of dreaming on our parts could change it.

We didn’t argue anymore. The Spiritus Mundi demanded harmony from us. We gave it that.

But I still watched the real world. Sometimes I watched Jason and me. Our bodies were in a coma in the hospital, and I stared at our sleeping forms for long stretches of time. It could have been days. But there weren’t days here. There was no way to know quite how long it was.

That was where Jason found me right then. Watching us sleep.

He settled down next to me. It looked as if I was sitting on a grassy hill and that the whole sky was a big-screen projection of the material world. It didn’t have to look that way. I could have made a theater or a living room with a wide screen TV. But this was the way I kept it.

If you can tear yourself away from the excitement of watching our inert bodies, I’ve got something to show you.

Of course he did. He always had something to show me. I stood up. What is it this time?

Guns N’ Roses in concert, he said. I always wanted to go. And I’m in charge of making up the whole thing, so Axl won’t hold things up.

I laughed. Sounds like you’d have more fun than I would. Why don’t you go without me?

Come on, it’s not healthy to sit here and stare at this stuff. We can never go back. You know that.

I looked down at my feet, thinking that my feet weren’t really here. My body was only a projection of my mind. My real feet were in that hospital bed. Okay, I said. But only if I get to pick the opening act.

I let him lead me away, shooting one glance back at the sky, at the two of us. The real us. Marlena walked into the hospital room. I stopped moving. Wait.

Azazel, he sighed.

Just wait, I said. She talked to us sometimes, hoping that we could hear. Since we could hear her, I thought the least we could do was listen. I went back to my seat on the grass.

Jason came after me. He sat down too.

But Marlena didn’t speak. She just hugged herself, staring at us and wiping tears out of her eyes.

I wanted to cry too, but I fought it. Jason didn’t like it when I cried.

Marlena and Hallam were old, old friends. They had survived the ravages of Jason’s and my powers. And they had been like surrogate parents to us. They were the closest thing we had to family. Everyone else we’d known closely had died, and generally, it had been our own fault. I’d carried a lot of guilt about that, but here in the Spiritus Mundi, I felt peace about my past. I couldn’t alter its course now. Things had progressed the way they had. There was nothing I could do to change that. I still had regrets, but I didn’t punish myself anymore.

Someone else entered the room behind Marlena—a nurse. I’d seen her before. She regularly came to check our vitals and change our IV drips.

Hi there, said the nurse. We haven’t seen you in a few weeks.

Marlena brushed tears from her cheeks. I suppose I couldn’t bear it after that last talk we had with the doctor. It seemed like it might be too hard to look at them. We’ve been so hopeful, you know.

The nurse gave Marlena a hug. I see this all the time. I know you’re going through a tough time.

Marlena squeezed her back, and then released her.

And you’ve got your new little baby, don’t you? You have to be home with her. You can’t miss her life because you’re cooped up in this place, watching people who aren’t awake.

Marlena nodded. She’s nearly nine months now. She moved closer to my bed. She found my body’s lifeless hand and took it in her own. But Azazel’s still holding on, isn’t she?

She is. But we still aren’t sure how long that will last.

Marlena bit her lip. I still don’t understand. How is it that she’s so much worse than Jason is?

We don’t know that, said the nurse. The truth is that according to our tests, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Jason. It’s Azazel who’s got severe damage to her cerebral cortex. Damage that isn’t healing.

Marlena dropped my hand and walked over to Jason’s body. But if there’s nothing wrong with him, why isn’t he waking up?

The nurse shook her head. We’ve never seen anything like it. The doctors don’t know. But I have a theory.

Marlena turned to her.

They’re very connected, said the nurse. Sometimes, they seem to be dreaming together. Their bodies will react at the same time, even when nothing’s happening. She put her hand on Marlena’s back. I think he’s waiting for her to go.

Marlena grimaced.

Go? I whispered. I turned to Jason. What’s she talking about?

He was staring at the images in the sky with a concerned look on his face. I don’t know.

Marlena looked back at my body. Isn’t there any chance she’ll pull through?

There’s always a chance, said the nurse. But, sweetie, it’s very small.

Wait, I said. I’m dying? Are they saying I’m dying?

Jason grabbed my hand. It doesn’t matter even if you are. We live in the Spiritus Mundi now. We’re pure spirit. You don’t need that body anymore.

He was right. But I felt panic at the idea of dying. I didn’t want to watch the material world anymore. I wanted to run away from the strong terror of it. I stood up. Let’s go to the concert.

Are you sure? he said.

I nodded quickly.

But later, with Jason’s creation of 1980s rock anthems still ringing in my head, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, I quietly came back to my grassy hill and made the sky show me pictures of Jason and me lying in our hospital beds.

I scrutinized the two of us. We looked the same, both listless and asleep. I didn’t look worse than him. Why was I dying? Why wasn’t Jason? Sure, he had the powers of invincibility once upon a time, but neither of us had our powers when we were shot and put into this coma. It didn’t make sense.

A woman swept into the room, wearing headphones. I’d seen her before. She routinely drew blood from Jason and me. She got out her needles while bopping around to the music on her headphones, which I couldn’t hear. This was a little boring. Maybe I should pop in on Hallam and Marlena. Maybe there was a chance they were talking about my impending death.

Jason was right. If I died, I wouldn’t leave the Spiritus Mundi, since my soul was already contained here. Nothing would change. Not really. But it still seemed so... final. I didn’t want to die. Once I was dead, I would be really and truly trapped here.

Azazel?

Jason was behind me. I turned to look at him. I just don’t understand, I said. Why am I dying, and you’re not?

There could be lots of reasons for that, he said. He put his arm around me. Let’s not watch this. Maybe this will be a good thing, anyway. You need to let go of the material world. We exist here now, and that’s what has to happen.

He was right, and I knew it. But if I was going to die... Well, maybe I would need to see it to know it was true.

In our hospital room, the woman had inserted a needle into Jason’s arm and was watching as his blood filled up a small tube.

I know this seems hard, said Jason.

I leaned into him, felt his strong arms tighten around me. But I was reminded again that those arms weren’t real. Not really. They were only a projection of Jason. We made them seem to be here. But everything here was an illusion. I don’t think I want to die, I whispered.

He squeezed me even tighter.

In the hospital room, the woman was in the middle of removing the needle from Jason’s arm. She stuffed it inside a bag she carried with her and moved over to me.

Jason spoke low, in my ear. You won’t be dying, though. Not really. Everything will be the same.

I pulled away from him. We don’t know that’s true.

Azazel, we’ve seen dead people here.

No, I said, we’ve seen people who looked and acted like people we knew that died. But they could have been projections. After all, we can make ourselves see things that aren’t here. What if the dead people we’ve seen are only creations of the spirit world? What if I don’t stay here if I die? What if I just cease to exist?

No, that won’t happen, said Jason.

He couldn’t be sure of that. We’d have to wait and see. I turned my attention back to the hospital room, where the woman was fishing out a needle. She had two bags, one that has fresh needles, and one that had discarded needles. She didn’t notice, but I did. She was taking out the needle she’d used on Jason. She was going to put it in my arm.

I nudged Jason. Do you see what she’s doing? That can’t be sanitary.

The woman plunged the needle into my arm.

And everything around me winked out, disappearing like a fuse had been blown, plunging me into darkness.

CHAPTER ONE

I sat straight up in bed, looking around in terror. Jason? Where were Kieran and Eve? What about Hallam and Marlena? Were they okay? The last thing I remembered, we’d all been prisoners inside a dank cell. Kieran and Eve had taunted us, threatening to find Chance and take him for themselves. And someone had shot me...

I put a hand to my head. It was whole.

That was when I really looked around at my surroundings. I was in a hospital room, and Jason was in a bed beside me. There was a woman sputtering in front of me. She was wearing headphones.

Where am I? I said to her. What’s wrong with Jason?

But Jason was moving next to me. He didn’t just sit up in bed, he vaulted out of it. At the tug of the IV in his arm, he turned to look at it. He stood next to his bed, his eyes wild. Chance, he said.

The woman pulled out her headphones. You guys were in a coma, she said. Your muscles haven’t been strenuously used in months. You shouldn’t be able to stand.

Jason looked down at his feet on the ground and back at the nurse. Coma? What about Kieran and Eve? Did they suddenly get a new kid?

Kieran and Eve disappeared nine months ago, she said. Nobody’s been able to find them. She shot a glance at the door. I need to get someone. And she darted through it.

Jason yanked the IV out of his arm. Come on, we have to get out of here.

I looked down at my own arm. There was not only an IV in there, but another needle dangling out of it. Gingerly, I pulled both out. Ouch. Okay, I said. I slid my legs over the side of the bed and stood up.

Jason gathered me into his arms, kissing my forehead. We’re together, he said. And that’s all that matters. Suddenly, he pulled back. He touched my face, his fingers tracing my scar.

Instinctively, I tugged away from him. I was self-conscious about the scar.

It’s fading, said Jason.

What? I said.

There was a mirror in the bathroom of our hospital room. He was right. It was barely visible. What the hell?

We’ll worry about it later, said Jason, taking me by the hand and pulling me to the door.

Where we were greeted by two doctors in blue scrubs.

Back, said one.

You don’t understand, said Jason. We can’t stay here. People are in danger.

Back in bed, said the other. No one’s in danger.

The lady with headphones had said that Kieran and Eve weren’t in charge anymore. I shot a look at Jason. Maybe we should listen to them?

We’ve notified Hallam and Marlena that you’ve woken up, said the first doctor. You want to be here when they arrive, right?

Hallam and Marlena? I said.

They’re... they’re okay? said Jason.

* * *

So let me get this straight, Jason was saying. Kieran and Eve just disappeared after we went into this coma, and everything magically went back to normal?

We were both sitting up in our hospital beds. We were fine, both of us, but the hospital wasn’t keen on letting us out yet. They were astonished. We were some kind of medical miracles or something. Apparently, I’d had severe damage to some part of my brain, but it was now completely healed. They couldn’t believe how well our muscles were functioning. Even though we’d been given physical therapy while in our comas, they didn’t expect us to be quite as robust as we were. All of the staff at the hospital had been looking at us like we might be some kind of freaks or something. Which—we kind of always had been.

At least they’d finally consented to let us have visitors. They’d been keeping us isolated, poking and prodding and running tests. Finally, they all seemed to have given up in confusion.

Hallam and Marlena were in the room with us now. They hadn’t brought the children, because they hadn’t thought we’d be so active and healthy yet. The phrase blew my mind. There were children—as in, more than one. Marlena and Hallam had a new baby girl. And there was Chance. Palomino (nicknamed Mina) had stayed home with both of the kids.

Mina was my younger brother’s ex-girlfriend. She was Chance’s surrogate mother.

Marlena assured us that they would all be in tomorrow to see us. Jason and I wanted to leave the hospital now, but the staff wasn’t letting us.

Hallam shrugged. He’d put on a little weight since the last time I’d seen him, but it made him look good—healthier. The last time I’d seen him, we’d been living underground for years, hiding out from Kieran and Eve. I supposed it wouldn’t take much to look healthier.

Basically, Hallam said. Everything fixed itself.

Jason and I exchanged a look.

I know that sounds unbelievable, said Marlena. "But that is what happened."

I shook my head. No. We did something...

We weren’t supposed to wake up, Jason said. Never.

He was right. I remembered... No. I didn’t remember anything.

Marlena shrugged. You know, right after it happened, I did wonder if you two had something to do with Kieran and Eve’s disappearance.

They’ve been in a coma, Marlena, said Hallam.

I know, she said. But if anyone could have defeated Kieran and Eve, it would have been them. She gazed at us expectantly.

Jason furrowed his brow. I can’t remember. He glanced at me. But we were together.

Yeah, I said. And we weren’t supposed to wake up.

We were both quiet.

We’re glad that you did, said Marlena. We wanted you back so badly.

The world is functioning? Jason said. After losing the influence of Kieran and Eve, I would have thought...

That it would be chaos, I agreed. But the hospital seems to be running okay.

Things have been very balanced, actually, said Marlena. The world has been better. Not the idyllic, fake happy time the way it was with Kieran and Eve. There’s still been conflict.

But no war, said Hallam. A decrease in violent crime.

The government’s stable, said Marlena.

I felt a twinge of panic. We had done something. And we’d woken up now, and I had a feeling we’d undone it. I just wished I could remember.

But this can’t be what you’re most concerned about, said Hallam. Obviously, you must want to know about Chance.

Jason had asked about his safety first thing but hadn’t asked any follow-up questions. He wasn’t really used to being a dad, I didn’t think. He hadn’t spent much quality time with his son in the boy’s short life. I had taken care of Chance briefly when he was a baby, but because my life always seemed so dangerous, it had made better sense for him to live with Mina. Neither of us had seen Chance in almost five years.

Is he really big? I asked, feeling strangely shy. Is his hair still bright red?

Marlena grinned. Yes and yes.

I did some quick math. He’s got to have started school? Are there schools again? Everything had been a mess for quite some time after a solar flare had knocked out power up and down the east coast. Civilization had come to a screeching halt.

There are schools, said Hallam. And he’s attending one. He colors a lot, from what I can tell. Maybe he’s actually learning something.

Marlena rolled her eyes. Oh, Hallam, he’s learning his letters and numbers and things. He’s only five.

Jason swallowed. Maybe I shouldn’t see him.

Jason, he’s your son, I said.

Jason wouldn’t look at me. I’d like to see him, I guess, but I don’t think he should see me. I’d rather I didn’t... do anything to screw him up any worse.

Marlena shrugged. Well, it’s too late for that, I’m afraid. He’s been to see you in the hospital a million times. He knows who you are. She turned to me. Both of you. He knows that Azazel took care of him when he was a baby. I’ve held him up to look down on both of you. If he knows you’re awake—

Which he does, said Hallam. He begged us to take him along when we came tonight.

He’s going to want to see you, said Marlena.

Jason looked stricken.

Marlena took his hand. Jason, you aren’t going to screw him up. Everything is better now.

You don’t have your powers, said Hallam, and no one else does either. There’s no longer any danger. Every threat has been extinguished. The Sons are all gone. The Order of the Fly is disbanded. Kieran and Eve left. You two can finally have a normal life.

Jason and I both looked at each other. Did we dare believe that?

* * *

Jason and I didn’t want to go to sleep, so we stayed up long after the hospital had dimmed the lights in our room, talking in low voices. We knew that we had done something that had stopped Kieran and Eve, and that there had been some reason that we weren’t supposed to wake up from our coma, but we couldn’t remember much else.

For his part, Jason had some strange memories of something about wolves and grandmother’s houses. He said he thought he might have been dreaming about Natural Born Killers or something.

I remembered a little bit about a dream where the two of us had children. But we’d done something bad to them. Other than that, the only thing I remembered was that right before I’d woken up, someone had stuck me with a needle that had been in Jason’s arm.

I had dreamed that, but it seemed to have been real. I remembered pulling it out before the doctors had shown