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    Year of the Rant. Part One: Ignition Point, Autumn, 2013.
    Year of the Rant. Part One: Ignition Point, Autumn, 2013.
    Year of the Rant. Part One: Ignition Point, Autumn, 2013.
    Ebook125 pages1 hour

    Year of the Rant. Part One: Ignition Point, Autumn, 2013.

    By Lachlan Barker

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    About this ebook

    Read here the first part of the collected rantings of Lachlan taken from his Blog. Everyone (it seems) is a target here, from the US political group, the Tea Party, through Kevin Costner, to those cretins in commercial TV.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherLachlan Barker
    Release dateFeb 22, 2014
    ISBN9781310387531
    Year of the Rant. Part One: Ignition Point, Autumn, 2013.
    Author

    Lachlan Barker

    Lachlan Barker is an author who lives in Byron Bay, Australia.When not constantly complaining on the internet, he surfs, cycles or works as a gardener.He entered rehab for booze and pot in 2008 and hasn't looked back since.He has been on every continent except South America and Antarctica, and they're next.

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      Book preview

      Year of the Rant. Part One - Lachlan Barker

      Year of the Rant

      Part One: Ignition Point

      Autumn, 2013.

      By Lachlan Barker

      Copyright 2014 by Lachlan Barker

      Smashwords Edition

      With thanks to all those who read this rubbish weekly.

      Contents

      1 - Bad Karma

      2 - Please Don’t Walk on the F*#@ing Road

      3 - Welcome to Al-Al land

      4 - I’m Not One to Complain (much)

      5 - I’m Sure I Unplugged the Oven

      6 – I Am Divided Like the Clock

      7 - Organic Life and More Roadway Idiots

      8 - Clinton, There’s a Man in a Dog Suit Behind You

      9 - Since When has Being a Loud Mouth Been Genetic!?

      10 - A Naturopath in the Bottlo and Hula Dancers in the Yurt

      11 - How Many Men Does it Take to Find a Piece of Software?

      12 - How to, and Definitely How Not to, Coach a Children’s Sporting Team

      13 - I Feel Like a Woman

      About the Author

      More Works by Lachlan Barker

      Connect with Lachlan Barker

      Read the first chapter of Lachlan’s first fiction work – The Destruction of Lasseter’s Road

      1 - Bad Karma

      Jonathon Ross the British journalist once did a show called ‘Only in America’, which featured some of the outlandish things that we’ve come to expect from the place.

      One article that stuck in my mind was a bloke who had modified his car engine bay to cook his dinner as he drove home.

      So before leaving work he would wrap a steak and potatoes in alfoil place it in the modified oven heated by the engine block, drive home and voila!, dinner ready as he stepped out of the car.

      I mention this because this series of articles I’m doing could likewise be titled, ‘Only in Byron Bay’.

      The attached photo is one I took when I was in a local pharmacy.

      Most businesses have a menacing sign saying something like, It is the policy of Try-and-Save to prosecute shoplifters to the full extent of the law.

      Either this particular pharmacy had tried threatening shoplifters and it didn’t work, or the staff and owner were canny Bay-ites who knew that Karma is a more powerful force here in the Rainbow Region than the cops.

      And while I’m on the topic of shoplifting, those who know me well will tell you that it is no point calling me at six in the evening (or morning for that matter) because I’m watching The Simpsons.

      Many think The Simpsons is typical American crap, but I’ve learned a lot there and one of those things was where the term shoplifting came from.

      Traders on the Levant sold their wares from tents in the market place and shoplifters would literally lift the corner of the tent, reach under and grab what they could before, one would think, mounting a fast camel and high-tailing it into the desert.

      It was quite a good episode and it starts out with the desert folk going about their lives before Moses came down off Mt Sinai with the ten commandments.

      Homer the thief is chatting with Lenny the carver of graven idols and Rohab the adulterer.

      Suddenly a shout goes up, Moses is coming, everybody get busy!

      So Homer starts nicking stuff, Lenny begins hammering furiously on his stone figurines and Rohab starts cracking onto a nearby desert maiden.

      Then Moses arrives and reads out his commandments among which are of course ‘thou shalt not steal’, so Homer’s got to get a job, ‘thou shalt not worship graven idols’, so Lenny’s out of business and ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’, so the scene ends with Rohab saying looks like the party’s over.

      Which loosely brings me to one night when I was in a local hostelry when a load of shouting began and a naked man was trying to get into the pub.

      He was either on a trip, not uncommon up here, or a nudist, very common up here, or, now that I think about it, both.

      Anyway the security staff assembled and dealt with him gently, they’re used to events like this I promise you that and gently but firmly told him he couldn’t come in.

      After some moments he wandered off into the night and things settled down.

      A bit later I asked one of the staff members why they wouldn’t let him in and they said, he wasn’t wearing any shoes.

      Only in Byron Bay.

      2 - Please Don’t Walk on the F*#@ing Road

      I rounded the corner of Burns st earlier this week and found these two young women right in front of me, on a slick, rainy road. I had often wished for, and truly never as much as that moment, a 40mm anti-tank cannon to mount on my car so I could give those tourists who come to my home, break all the rules and trash the place something to remember me by.

      The girls in this photo would have been the first to feel some of my high-velocity shells, particularly because just one hundred metres or so from where these soon-to-be-smudges-on-the-asphalt are walking is this sign.

      It brings to mind a joke that always amused me.

      A guy is driving down the road in his Mercedes-Benz and stops and picks up a hitchhiker.

      They drive some distance and the hitchhiker asks what is that metal thing on the front of the bonnet and the driver decides to have a bit of fun with his passenger and says, That’s my sight.

      Oh, says the hitchhiker, what do you use that for?

      Well, says the driver if I’m driving down the road and see a cyclist I line them up in my sight and then run ‘em down at full speed."

      Oh right, says the hitchhiker somewhat nervously.

      They go a bit further and the hitchhiker spots a cyclist, look, he says, a guy on a bike. Good chance to use your sight.

      The driver says rightio and speeds up.

      He heads for the cyclist and just as he is about to hit the bike rider he shears off to miss, but just as he does he hears a ‘thunk’ and looks in the mirror and sees the

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