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    Humor of the Gospels Daily Study
    Humor of the Gospels Daily Study
    Humor of the Gospels Daily Study
    Ebook136 pages1 hour

    Humor of the Gospels Daily Study

    By Steven D. Bennett

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    About this ebook

    Have you ever wanted to learn more about the bible but discovered you were too lazy to think? You're in luck, for in 'Humor of the Gospels--Daily Study', an almost annual walk through the life of Jesus and his disciples, the thinking has been done for you. Also included are humorous insights followed by grilling inquisitions, which will help God judge you for eternity...for an amazingly low price!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSteven D. Bennett
    Release dateMay 7, 2013
    ISBN9781301294268
    Humor of the Gospels Daily Study
    Author

    Steven D. Bennett

    I was born in Boston and grew up in Connecticut and San Diego, which gave me a good background in both history and tanning. I have four children and six grand-children, remarkable in that I am only 35. The fact that I have been married for almost 36 years is the result of an in-utero wedding and honeymoon.I have published many short stories, poems, songs, and recently wrote and directed a musical melodrama that was performed in the San Diego area. With six books under my belt (THE PATH OF DAYS, TRACE THE DEAD EYE, HUMOR OF THE GOSPELS, HUMOR OF THE GOSPELS Daily Study, THRONE and THE CHUCK-IT LIST) I am looking for a bigger belt to stuff the seventh, which hopefully will be completed in time for the Christmas season. It is about a writer who finds to his horror that a mistake he made on page 47 completely invalidates the plot, forcing him to thus track down and kill anyone who has bought the book lest they spread the truth about his miniscule talent. It is titled DON'T READ THIS! and looks to be a best-seller, unless people take the title literally. Fortunately, nothing I write can be taken literally. It is also fortunate I did not stay with the working title: DON'T BUY THIS! Personally, I don't buy a word of it.I also have a blog, I Wandered Off the Tour: A Journey In Self-Publishing, which contains my thoughts and experiences through the tormenting process of creation.Other than writing, I like listening to the same dozen albums and re-runs of the same dozen TV shows I've heard and seen hundreds of times, to the endless delight of my wife.

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      Book preview

      Humor of the Gospels Daily Study - Steven D. Bennett

      INTRODUCTION

      In this literary exploration we will address, stamp, and mail the four gospels. You'd think that those details would have been taken care of by now, but we will tighten every loose end and loosen every tight end.

      The gospels, in no particular order, are: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

      Each Gospel is unique; not only do they have different names, but they were all written by different people from different perspectives and with different audiences in mind.

      Matthew, for instance, was written by the tax-collecting apostle for a Jewish audience and has many things of Jewish interest, such as references to Old Testament traditions and laws, the genealogy of Jesus back to Abraham, and a delicious matzah recipe.

      Mark, aid to Peter and Paul on many missionary jaunts, wrote for the Roman crowd and his writing leans more toward the physical world, with plenty of action and miracles.

      Luke, physician and another aid to Paul, addressed his gospel to most excellent Theophilus, whom we can assume through lack of archeological evidence (which is a popular way to legitimize assumptions, provide grants and lengthen careers) was a person and not a city. But Luke had the naive aspirations all authors hold (except this one) that people might someday read his work, so he aimed his writings at anyone not Jewish or Roman, i.e., those who were Greek-ish, which was the majority.

      INQISITION:

      To which group were the gospels not written:

      A) Friends

      B) Romans

      C) Countrymen

      D) The Earless

      Day 2

      INTRODUCTION (cont.)

      The first three gospels--Matthew, Mark and Luke-- are very similar in content and are referred to as the Synoptic gospels. Synoptic comprising of two words: optic meaning seeing, and syn--well, you all know what syn is, no matter how it’s spelt. So these three gospels were actually accounts of all the syns they had seen. (Look closely for your sins in the text, most likely found between the lines.)

      John’s gospel is quite different. Written, it is postulated, by the apostle at the request of Christians at the time who thought John was getting up in years and wanted his eye-witness account of the life of Jesus before John became an eye-to-eye witness to Jesus again. Showing his versatility, he did both. (See the book of Revelation for further clarification.)

      Merging these four books, we will look at the life of Jesus in almost chronological order. In so doing, we will begin at the beginning--400 B.C.

      INQUISITION:

      Some scholars refuse to use B.C. (Before Christ) or A.D. (Anno Domini) in an attempt to remove any religious reference relating to time. They, more logically, use C.E. (The Common Era) and B.C.E. (Before the Common Era). But this raises another question: What event separates B.C.E. from C.E.?

      Bonus Inquisition: In light of the answer, wouldn't it be more accurate to define C.E. as the Christian Era and B.C.E. as Before the Christian Era?

      Day 3

      Before The Beginning

      I will send the Prophet Elijah before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers. Or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.

      Thus ends the book of Malachi, the last book in the Old Testament, and if not for the last line it would have gotten much better reviews. Unfortunately, Malachi did not say when God would send either prophet or plague, and the next 400 years found the Jews looking for both and finding neither. But as the B.C.’s wound down from 5, 4, 3--they had an inkling (a small pen, good for marking time) that the Messiah would come soon, and December 25, 0000 found people scouring (and scrubbing) the countryside for any trace of Jesus. But being much wiser, he fooled them all by being born years earlier. Or years later. Though the exact time Jesus was born was never recorded, it was probably 3 B.C. or earlier according to textual hints. Or 3 AD or later according to others. Or somewhere in-between, according to the rest.

      INQUISITION:

      At the end of his book, Malachi finishes off with a curse on the reader. Is it a good idea for an author to curse the reader? If so, should it be done at the beginning of the book? In the middle? At the end? Anytime after it’s purchased?

      Day 4

      Zechariah and Elizabeth

      One of those less fooled was a man named Zechariah. He was an old priest and his wife, Elizabeth, was an old wife. Together they had been blessed with something many nations would envy: zero population growth. It was not a blessing to them, however, and they kept praying and waiting and trying.

      One sunny day, Zechariah was chosen by lot (not Lot of old, but by a lot of new) to go into the temple to burn incense while the winners of the drawing waited outside. In those days, anyone who was not righteous in God’s eyes would be killed the instant they set foot into the inner sanctum of the temple, the Holy of Holies. To prevent further extermination, a rope would be tied to the ankle of the man lucky enough to venture into that vestibule. So if even the slightest dead-body sounding thud was heard, the corpse could be pulled safely back to the smug colleagues busily betting on his righteousness. The phrase: Are you pulling my leg? no doubt stemmed from this tradition, but one wonders, in lieu of the order of events, how it was spoken; certainly not by the person at the end of his rope.

      INQUISITION:

      If your job entailed walking into the Holy of Holies while know you would only come out alive if you were without sin, how long would it be before you looked for another profession?

      Day 5

      Zechariah and Elizabeth (cont.)

      Zechariah, this time, was righteous, and as he began to burn the incense an angel of the Lord gripped him and an incensed Zechariah was himself gripped—not by the ankle, but with fear.

      Don’t be afraid, the angel said, holding him tighter so he couldn’t escape. Your prayers have been heard, and you and Elizabeth will have a son whom you will name John. He will be a great prophet and will lead many back to God and prepare a way for the Messiah.

      Zechariah was perplexed, having not prayed for a son since he was a young man in his eighties. (To be fair, we don't know if he was in his eighties. He might have been older.) But still being a faithful man of God and never having seen an angel before, he asked the only question a God-fearing man in his position could ask:

      How can this be? Have you lost your mind? I’m an old man, and my wife is--an old wife!

      I am Gabriel, Gabriel replied, side-stepping the details. (A good thing to do with details, as that is where the devil lives.) I stand in the presence of God. But since you did not believe me, you won’t be able to speak until this happens. This answered another long-suffering prayer—his wife's.

      INQUISITION:

      Elizabeth was an old wife. Was she the pre-cursor of Old Wives' Tales? Did someone curse before her? Would you swear to it?

      Day 6

      Zechariah and Elizabeth (cont.)

      Gabriel took Zechariah’s voice and sent him spinning outside to meet his friends, who were waiting for the other sandal to drop. Realizing his speechless predicament, they were then concerned they might have accidentally tied the rope to Zechariah’s tongue and not his ankle. The obviously tongue-tied Zechariah was not much help, but after much wild gesturing, pulling of earlobes and holding up of fingers, the story was eventually sorted out and the first game of charades officially initiated.

      When all was said (or not said) and done, Zechariah returned home to Elizabeth and, the bible says, after this his wife became pregnant. How long after it does not say, but one can guess. (But don't.)

      We only know that whatever the time frame, this miraculous event (or events) was done in the utmost silence.

      INQUISITION:

      When the angel took away Zechariah’s voice, where did he take it? What did he carry it in? A voice box?

      Day 7

      Mary and Elizabeth

      In Elizabeth’s sixth month of pregnancy, God sent Gabriel to Nazareth to visit a young virgin girl named Mary who was pledged to be married to Joseph, both being excited at finally getting last names.

      Greetings! said the ever-cheerful Gabriel to the still virginal Mary. You have found favor with God. You will become ‘with child’ and give birth to a son, Jesus, who will be called the son of the Most High and will reign over his kingdom forever.

      How can this be? Mary asked, apparently the most popular question asked of angels. I am a virgin.

      With his experience in talking to Zechariah behind him, Gabriel was well prepared to answer. If God can get your old cousin Elizabeth a baby, you’ll be a piece of cake. (Or, translated

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