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    Nobody Knows Evolution!: Bulldogs, Rottweilers and the Intelligent Designers: Goldman's Bulldog Presents, #2
    Nobody Knows Evolution!: Bulldogs, Rottweilers and the Intelligent Designers: Goldman's Bulldog Presents, #2
    Nobody Knows Evolution!: Bulldogs, Rottweilers and the Intelligent Designers: Goldman's Bulldog Presents, #2
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    Nobody Knows Evolution!: Bulldogs, Rottweilers and the Intelligent Designers: Goldman's Bulldog Presents, #2

    By Nobody

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    "Nobody Knows Evolution!: Bulldogs, Rottweilers and the Intelligent Designers" unifies science, religion and mysticism in a way that is sure to irritate everybody!

    "Nobody! drags Darwin's theory kicking and screaming into the twenty-first century. It's a hole-in-one!" Nobody teeing off at the Darwin Golf Club

    "Evolution for idiots!" Nobody on the Board of Education

    "You mean idiots for evolution!" Nobody in "The Idiot in Rural Society"

    "Of course it's science. You can't make this stuff up." Nobody at the American Association for the Advancement of Science

    "You can't?" Nobody at Fox News

    "Nobody! unifies science, religion and mysticism by insulting God…and praising bad breath? Give me a break!" Nobody at Listerine Antiseptic Mouthwash

    "Who'd have thought we'd ever have a common enemy? Nobody!" Nobody at the Creationists vs. Scientists Annual Hardball Game

    "Science humor is the sword!" Nobody at Bic Pens

    "Nobody! thinks like a microbe--and that's supposed to be a good thing?" Nobody at The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

    "If idiots can form an intelligent network, then why do intelligent people seem to form idiot networks?" Nobody in the US Congress

    "The problem is with democracy itself--the vote turns intelligent politicians into idiot on-off switches that can't change their connection weights." Nobody at Unemployed Students for a Democratic Society

    "You're only as smart as you have to be; intelligence isn't free!" Nobody at the Dollar Intelligence Store

    "'Altruism is a natural by-product of selfish networked individuals?' Just thinking about it gives me a headache!" Nobody at Bayer Fast-Dissolving Aspirin

    "If we build it, they will go! Microbes in space! Seed the universe!" Nobody at NASA

    "Let the Bac be with you! Hiccup! God is Bac!" Nobody at The Cristal Cathedral

    "We don't believe that merging science with literary satire is what C. P. Snow had in mind." Nobody reading The Two Cultures

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherNobody
    Release dateJan 24, 2013
    ISBN9781301273973
    Nobody Knows Evolution!: Bulldogs, Rottweilers and the Intelligent Designers: Goldman's Bulldog Presents, #2
    Author

    Nobody

    Nobody! is the pen name of the author and central character of the books: Nobody Knows (The Thing That Really Matters About) Anything!: A Users' Guide for the 21st Century Written by: Nobody! Nobody Knows Evolution!: Bulldogs, Rottweilers and the Intelligent Designers Written by: Nobody! Nobody Knows Consciousness!: Demystifying Life's Greatest Mystery Written by: Nobody! "Who would've thought to reinvent non-fiction and make it funny in the process?" Nobody! "'Back to the Future' of Literary Non-Fiction." Nobody at DeLorean Motor Cars "It's as if the 'Extracts' ate 'Moby Dick!'" Nobody at Real Vanilla Extracts "Out Nabakovs Nabakov. 'Pale Fire' for 'Idiots!'" Nobody at the Red Onion State Prison "Super-Prison Literary Society" "'In Cold Blood'--without all the blood!" Nobody eating "Breakfast at Tiffany's" "Nobody! has arrived just in time to save the publishing industry singlehandedly!" Nobody at "Publisher's Weakly" Magazine "Nobody! writes for the cheap seats!" Nobody at Cheapseats.com "Nobody! takes 'abstract' writing to a whole new level. Plus, he had the good sense to number things!" Nobody selling Jackson Pollock's Numbered Paintings ("They make people look at a picture for what it is--pure painting!") "Nobody!'s genius was to realize that science was comedy!" Nobody at the University of Clown Science ("The Science of Clowns! The Clowns of Science!") "Nobody! makes Anonymous irrelevant!" Nobody at Warner Books "Irreverent--NO!--Irrelevant common sense. Nobody! Knows!" Nobody at "Rolling Stones" Magazine "We think Nobody! should make a movie!" Nobody at the American Institute of Corn Porn ("Pornography made entirely from corn--for when the ethanol subsidies end! Think creamed corn--and COBS!") To maintain his anonymity, Nobody! likes to pretend that he's Steve Martin ("to throw the paparazzi off the scent"). To be clear, Nobody! is NOT Steve Martin.

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      Book preview

      Nobody Knows Evolution! - Nobody

      GOLDMAN’S BULLDOG PRESENTS

      NOBODY KNOWS

      EVOLUTION!

      tmp_aa2d56b5b9be4c43b1a6f4ca52939ee3_7UC9CY_html_750a27eb.jpg

      BULLDOGS, ROTTWEILERS

      AND THE INTELLIGENT DESIGNERS

      Written by:

      NOBODY!

      ________________________

      ADVANCE PRAISE FOR NOBODY KNOWS EVOLUTION!

      Let’s have Nobodies review the book before we publish it. That’ll give us a jump on the critics! Nobody!

      Nobody! drags Darwin’s theory kicking and screaming into the twenty-first century. It's a hole-in-one! Nobody teeing off at the Darwin Golf Club

      Nobody! cuts through the Gordian knot of Darwinian Evolution and Intelligent Design! Nobody at Gordian Solutions

      Evolution for idiots! Nobody on the Board of Education

      You mean idiots for evolution! Nobody in The Idiot in Rural Society

      Of course it’s science. You can’t make this stuff up. Nobody at the American Association for the Advancement of Science

      You can’t? Nobody at Fox News

      Intelligent microbes guide evolution? A colony of networked idiots can build a town? God is bacteria? Need we say more? Nobody at the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science

      Nobody! unifies science, religion and mysticism by insulting God…and praising bad breath? Give me a break! Nobody at Listerine Antiseptic Mouthwash

      Who’d have thought we’d ever have a common enemy? Nobody! Nobody at the Creationists vs. Scientists Annual Hardball Game

      Nobody! puts the hag back in science hagiography! Nobody in Eastwick

      "Science humor is the sword!" Nobody at Bic Pens

      Nobody! thinks like a microbe--and that’s supposed to be a good thing? Nobody at The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

      If idiots can form an intelligent network, then why do intelligent people seem to form idiot networks? Nobody in the US Congress

      The problem is with democracy itself--the vote turns intelligent politicians into idiot on-off switches that can’t change their connection weights. Nobody at Unemployed Students for a Democratic Society

      You’re only as smart as you have to be; intelligence isn’t free! Nobody at the Dollar Intelligence Store

      "‘Altruism is a natural by-product of selfish networked individuals?’ Just thinking about it gives me a headache!" Nobody at Bayer Fast-Dissolving Aspirin

      "Fiction Science follows the same rules as wave-particle duality. When you view it as fiction, it’s fiction; and when you view it as science, it’s science; but you can’t view it as fiction and science at the same time." Nobody on the Copenhagen Interpretation of Fiction Science

      Unless you’ve been drinking! Nobody at Wild Turkey Bourbon

      And the Good Humor part provides the crucial element of dynamic instability! Nobody at Good Humor Ice Cream

      "It’s not just Schrodinger’s cat. The Toxo rat can be dead and alive at the same time too." Nobody at the Emma E. Booker Elementary School

      The great Fiction Science writers? Darwin, Velikovsky, von Daniken, Alvarez, Dawkins... Hawking, Penrose, Dyson, Davies, Smolin… Nobody at the Annual Fiction Science Awards

      The Tootsie Galaxy Pop--we can print globes on them instead of solid colors. Send Nobody! a hundred cases. Nobody at Tootsie Roll Industries

      We think you could make a nice Microbe Mind logo out of a pair of Golden Arches. Remember, for them it’s all about food. Nobody at McDonald’s

      And you could update the ‘CELLS’ spaceship for the twenty-first century by shaping it like a Coke bottle with feet instead of a fish. Nobody at 21st Century Coke

      "‘Mutation is the garlic salt of life!’" Nobody at Spice Daddy

      Once again Nobody! has invented a whole new genre--Hardboiled Microbe Fiction. Look out Mickey Spillane! Nobody at the Red Onion State Prison Super-Prison Literary Society

      "And a video game that explains recidivism--Prison Germs: And how they keep pulling us back in!" Nobody at Godfather Video Games

      "So what he’s saying is, ‘Let’s get small. Let’s get really small. Once you get small enough you will understand…everything.’ Small wins!" Nobody at the Annual Steve Martin-Randy Newman Small vs. Short People Competition

      When Steve Martin was perfecting his comedy, Nobody! was running a bluegrass club. Now that Steve Martin is playing bluegrass, Nobody! is perfecting his comedy! Nobody at The Banjo Cafe

      "In your wet dreams! ‘God is bacteria’ is an old Steve Martin routine from the seventies. Apparently, they weren’t ready to come out yet. Steve had to drop it from his act because he got terrible migraines whenever he used it." Nobody at The Comedy Store

      "If God is bacteria, does that mean that we’re already teaching religion in our schools?" Nobody on the Supreme Court

      "Schweitzer got it right. ‘Reverence for all life!’" Nobody counting holes in the Albert Hall

      Science has finally found its moral compass--albeit a tiny one! Nobody at the Pocket Compass Company

      If we build it, they will go! Microbes in space! Seed the universe! Nobody at NASA

      "Let the Bac be with you! Hiccup! God is Bac!" Nobody at The Cristal Cathedral

      We don’t believe that merging science with literary satire is what C. P. Snow had in mind. Nobody reading The Two Cultures

      We’re not sure that giving God a firm scientific basis is doing God any favors. Nobody at Save God from G-Theory

      We don’t think that literature needs an abstracts writer. Nobody at Save Literature from Nobody!

      It Might Be Nobody! Nobody at the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony

      It Might Not! Nobody at the Skeptics Society Annual Let’s Eat Nobody! for Breakfast Dinner

      You call this crap art? Nobody at Cow-Pie Clocks

      Of course we can sue! Nobody at the American Bar Napkin Association

      ________________________

      GOLDMAN’S BULLDOG PRESENTS

      NOBODY KNOWS

      EVOLUTION!

      tmp_aa2d56b5b9be4c43b1a6f4ca52939ee3_7UC9CY_html_m55119e1d.jpg

      BULLDOGS, ROTTWEILERS

      AND THE INTELLIGENT DESIGNERS

      Written by:

      NOBODY!

      Published by Smashwords, Inc.

      www.goldmansbulldog.com

      Copyright 2012 by Author

      ________________________

      SMASHWORDS EDITION, LICENSE NOTES

      Thank you for downloading this free ebook. You are welcome to share it with friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form.

      ________________________

      TABLE OF CONTENTS

      Chapter 1: The Bar Napkin Theory

      PART ONE

      BAR NAPKIN ORIGAMI

      Chapter 2: The Hummingbird

      Chapter 3: The Griffin

      PART TWO

      KISS

      Chapter 4: Cats Eat Zombie Rats

      Chapter 5: Our Brain and the World Cray

      Chapter 6: The Feynman Principle

      Chapter 7: Turtles All the Way Down!

      Chapter 8: They Might Be Giants!

      Chapter 9: Not Even Wrong!

      Chapter 10: Evolution’s Big Prediction

      Chapter 11: Evolution is History

      Chapter 12: The Central Dogma

      Chapter 13: What Geneticists Think

      Chapter 14: She, the Master Builder

      Chapter 15: The Weasel Gene

      Chapter 16: How Bacteria Evolve

      Chapter 17: The Food Obsession

      Chapter 18: The Pay Attention, Fool! Tool

      Chapter 19: The Beast That Wants to Know

      Chapter 20: The Anthill Brain

      Chapter 21: Infinite Bandwidth

      Chapter 22: Talking Microbes

      PART THREE

      AND TELL

      Chapter 23: The Neuron Rosetta Stone

      Chapter 24: Desperate Housewives

      Chapter 25: The House Neuron, the Senate Neuron, and the Intelligent Designers

      Chapter 26: The Doomsday Machine and the Houdini Electron

      Chapter 27: A Brief History of Time

      Chapter 28: Let There Be Light!

      Chapter 29: The World Map

      Chapter 30: Prophets and Loss

      Chapter 31: The Vagina as a Whole

      Chapter 32: The Tenth Muse

      Chapter 33: The World We All See

      Chapter 34: G-Theory and the God Germ

      PART FOUR

      BITTEN BY THE LOVE BUG

      Chapter 35: The Dice Man

      Chapter 36: Body Heat

      Chapter 37: The Force that through the Green Fuse Drives the Flower

      Chapter 38: Message in a Bottle

      Chapter 39: What Do You Do with a Drunken Microbe?

      Author’s Photo

      Soon to be a Major Motion Picture!

      ________________________

      To Whom It May Concern

      ________________________

      The Moses of Microbes rides again!

      Sauncho Pauncho

      Human kind cannot bear very much reality.

      T. S. Eliot

      Four Quartets

      A thoroughly new idea gets no response.

      Jacques Bardun

      From Dawn to Decadence

      ________________________

      CHAPTER ONE: THE BAR NAPKIN THEORY

      I believe in the Bar Napkin Theory. It may be impossible to prove,

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