Grasping Protection in the Face of Fear

Protection Series:

#4 ~ Grasping Protection in the Face of Fear

(each Novel in this series does stand-alone, but they also relate to each other)

By Andie Renee

Copyright 2014 Andie Renee

Smashwords Edition

In regards to my Protection Series:

I have more than surpassed the required waiting years, in regards to writing, which I had agreed upon at the time of my resignation from the United States Secret Service. I have not divulged any top secret, classified, or sensitive information regarding the government, nor any government agency, nor have my books revealed any specific names. They are not meant to disrespect any particular person, agency, or representatives. They are fictional characters involved in fictional and imaginary, life-changing events. I am hoping that you enjoy the unique family bond that this agency actually has amongst its agents. This set of books may be really different from what you normally read, but I am hoping that you can enjoy the uniqueness and interesting situations that they all find themselves in and how Jesus heals their ways and works in each of their lives.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

eBook Cover Designer~Andie Renee

Cross photo: CanStockPhotoInc./ rolffimages (csp 4227976)

Star Image Designer~Andie Renee: Panther: CanStockPhotoInc./ dagadu (csp7909419); White House: CanStockPhotoInc./ Alperium (csp1845848)

When you read this book you will be experiencing...

Bianca McDonald strongly desires to be closer to Jesus, but with every step she feels like she is stepping farther away from Him. Her disappointments continue to add up, including the powerful weakness she has for Special Agent Eric Lawrence who has never returned her calls. And with each day her life isn’t turning into what she thought it would, nor what she thinks it should for someone who puts Jesus first in everything. Instead, she is becoming increasingly aware of small, seemingly insignificant, natural fears that are not being washed away as she prays, but are mounting up in her life and overwhelming her. How can she possibly keep her hope in God from slipping through her fingers as she battles with her inwardly struggling life?

United States Secret Service Special Agent Eric Lawrence, of the Counter Assault Team, can’t seem to erase his unmistakable, captivating attraction to Bianca. And that is a major problem! Her brother, ASAIC Roger McDonald, has ordered all CAT guys to stay away from her. He has drastically kept his distance from her, but Eric soon finds himself at a burdensome crossroad: obey his boss’s orders, or Jesus’ will? Only one way will secure the peace in his life.

Chapter 1

Wiping the sweat from her brow, Bianca tried to mentally block out her physical exhaustion and pain in order to finally make it up the infuriating hill!

Just one more mile. Please Jesus, just one more mile to go, please help me. May I make it this time?

But again, about a half-mile into the last stretch of mile, her legs shakily stopped and she slid to the gravel road. "Come on!"

She looked up the road and could easily see the final destination at the peak of the hill where the huge tree stood...standing out larger than life when compared to all of the rest surrounding it.

But her cramped sides, exhausted legs, and lack of oxygen in her lungs had her stopping. And as always, she was so close, but yet so far away. Bianca laid back right there on the deserted road, and closed her eyes. When will I ever get there Jesus? And I don’t mean just this hill, but in everything else as well?

A tear escaped, when will you finally take all of this from me? Why isn’t anything going right for me? What am I doing that is so wrong in my life that it seems all of my goals are just wasted thoughts? She looked to the sky. Why does it seem like I am letting you down with every breath I breathe?

I don’t want to do that. I love you and I have verbally given everything over to you and I want a deeper relationship with you, but with each step I feel like I am stepping farther away from you instead of getting closer. Why am I experiencing this?

Minutes passed and still silence. No inward sounds heard, nor knowledge gained...nothing.

A few minutes later, Bianca pulled herself together and slowly stood up to walk back home.

Please help me get there Jesus. Please.

Her phone started beeping and Bianca couldn’t control the sudden rise of hope she felt. Maybe something would finally turn right for her. Would it finally be him responding?

Her tired steps faltered, please let it be him. Please let it be Eric.

Her finger briefly sliding across the screen dashed all of the excitement that had rushed through her.

It was just a text from her brother checking on her and making sure she was okay. She quickly answered him back, and then couldn’t stop herself from scanning through her phone to read the two messages she had previously sent to Eric. Again, making sure that she hadn’t put anything in there that would make him feel uncomfortable, or upset.

But they were just simple, nice, friendly texts as far as she could see, and they didn’t reveal any of her strong feelings for him.

"Ahhhh!" Her fist tightened on her phone. It was no use to continue torturing herself like this. Quickly deleting each one, Bianca firmly scolded herself. It was long past time she closed that weird, and very brief chapter in her life.

And boy, oh boy was it ever a very weird and very brief chapter! Bianca had never before allowed a man to kiss her that quickly after meeting him, and she still couldn’t understand how that had happened. One minute she was hitting his back and yelling at him as he carried her out to the back parking lot of the hospital, and then in the very next instance he put her down in front of him and after a moment of just staring at each other, they were kissing.

Like we had been waiting our whole lives to do that.

Her heartbeat raced just remembering the sudden, and very extreme attraction she had towards him. He was so huge compared to her, and she loved that he could carry her successfully even when she was fighting him. When he had wrapped her in his huge protective arms...

Bianca helplessly closed her eyes while she remembered the feel of his strong, warm arms gathering around her... Oh, boy.

She opened her eyes, and glared.

Get over it! It is just another man not interested in you.

But why did this one hurt so much?

Her heart tugged as she forced herself to continue on towards home, but she was still unable to quell the monotonous string of questions, as her mind again ventured into the horrible environment of the ‘whys.’ Why had her heart accelerated like that if there really wasn’t something there between them, nor ever would be? Not to mention her inability to even breathe normally while she had stood before him.

He was so strong, so vibrant, so confident, and when he had quickly taken her into his arms, his surprisingly warm lips...

Her stomach delightfully dropped...those gorgeous laughing green eyes, thick blonde, strategically messy hair standing out in all directions begging her to run her fingers through it in order to make it stand up even more.

She had been a goner from the moment she had first clearly seen him, and that was the one and only moment in time she would be able to have with him.

Why couldn’t she have talked to him, or at the very least tried to see if he would like to go out, or talk sometime? Why had she just quickly turned and walked away after she had stood there for what seemed to be hours before a few of his buddies had shown up and diverted his attention? Maybe she should have kept her eyes open while she had stood there those long moments, instead of closing them or staring at the ground.

But she hadn’t been able to, and she probably couldn’t do it again if she were able to go back in time and replay that afternoon. He had been way too much for her to even comprehend.

Bianca stopped and stared straight ahead into the beautiful woods that were already showing a slight color change, but only clearly seeing another added disappointment in her life.

And let me add another disappointment on top of all of my other ones.

Sarcasm rattled through her mind while Bianca tried to smile, but all she really wanted to do was go home. It was pure madness for her to even think that coming out this afternoon for a lunch with the ladies from church would help lift her spirits after this morning’s failed run. She pleasantly smiled to all of them sitting around her and knew that they were trying their best to make her feel welcome, but she was not in any way feeling it because they were definitely up to something.

They were trying not to give anything away and were happily talking about church news, but it sure didn’t take a topnotch rocket scientist to figure it out because if one more single grandson or son walked into this restaurant and came over to them, she would scream and run out like a mad woman.

A giggle almost escaped. She could really throw a tantrum even without having to try too hard, and it would be very interesting to see their faces if she did throw one. Her heart clenched and all too quickly she remembered, again, another monumental mistake she had made. She frowned as the immediate, and so very powerful guilt surfaced.

Thank you Jesus for forgiving me for that irrational behavior towards my sister-in-law. I had just been so frightened for my brother and didn’t want anyone around him that would put him in any more danger than his job already does.

That day had been another prime example of acting before thinking, or better yet, reacting instead of acting spiritual.

Bianca looked to the ice in her iced tea and uncomfortably bit her lip. Another disappointment caused by me, and another fear, worry and anxiety added on top of my already huge list that had caused it.

How does a person really stop fear and worry, or get rid of them? I read the Bible daily, I instinctively know all of the verses associated with fear and worry, and the wrongness of it, and the pastor repeatedly preaches on it. But how can you make it stop? How can you take all of that information and apply it and obey it when everything within you really does want to obey God, but yet at the same time everything within you seems to also have fear and worry rise up continuously? How do you control that?

A pastor from her previous church’s voice shattered her thinking, ‘You just believe, read your Bible and in time it will be taken from you and you will start living it.’

Bianca frowned. She did believe, she did pray, and it still hasn’t been taken from her yet, nor has she even begun living it! In fact, it has gotten worse because it only seems to open the door even wider on self-condemning.

Quickly quelling her sudden rise of anger, Bianca again wondered if she should just ask her current pastor what he thought...

Bianca, dear. Maggie, the dear old woman that she really did have a sweet spot for, leaned in, interrupting her thoughts, Wait until my grandson comes in, you will like him. He puts all of their hapless tries to shame. She winked and patted her hand.

So her instincts had been right all along. Rubbing her aching temples, Bianca sighed. What was supposed to be a ladies of the church lunch had turned into ‘a setup party for Bianca.’

Cringing as another very obvious man walked into the room, she stood and excused herself before she did something that she would regret.

The moment she was alone, she leaned against the bathroom wall and took a few deep breaths while her eyes looked helplessly to the ceiling. Again, please help me Jesus. I’m not used to this and I really do not like dating.

She never had a boyfriend in high school, nor had she ever had anyone ask her out on a date during those years, and then when she had shown up at college she had been overloaded with requests. But because she had been so unused to the exciting, unfamiliar attention, she had unknowingly put herself in a very dangerous situation.

Her throat convulsively swallowed when her mind accidentally slipped into thinking about that one failed college attempt that had ended in her running back home to mommy and daddy after the first few days of being there.

Her eyes sadly looked to the ground, she just wanted that special one to show up, sweep her off her feet and that would be it.

She wanted the one that the Lord wanted her to have, the man that she knew would make her feel pretty, and cherished.

Adorable blonde hair and green eyes arose before her, and the moment her heart dropped she grit her teeth.

He wasn’t the one, how could he be when he had never returned her calls?

Growling, she lifted up. In order to find that one I guess I’ll have to at least go out on a few dates.

Walking out of the bathroom Bianca grimaced, now three guys were waiting to meet her and she wanted nothing more than to run as fast as she could to her vehicle. I really don’t want to go out with any of them. Help me Jesus, please. I’m so tired of waiting for the right one to find me.

She cordially smiled to the men and sat down. Let the parade of eligible grandsons and sons commence.

Trying desperately to not roll her eyes, she smiled and shook hands with each one, then she almost lost it when two more men walked in. Barely able to hold it together, Bianca smiled to the women seated at the long table and couldn’t suppress her sudden flow of words, Boy, it must be grandson and son day. You all have wonderful families to have them specifically come in and greet you like this.

The looks on their faces were priceless, and how she was not fully losing it she had no idea. Saying hi to the last man, she looked to her plate and took a bite of her mashed potatoes.

Bianca! It’s so nice to see you out and about.

Yes! Seeing her friend Teresa standing in the doorway to the large dining area made her want to leap for joy. Trying desperately not to laugh while she watched her friend survey the room, and barely cover her mouth in time before her giggles escaped, Bianca smiled. Hi Teresa.

Her pleading eyes tried to relay her cry for help in getting out of this uncomfortable situation, but instead of walking towards her or calling her over, Teresa picked up her phone.

Shaking her head, Bianca looked back to Gladys as she nudged her and leaned in.

My son is not here yet, but don’t you worry he will be. He’s the one for you. She winked.

Bianca’s agreeing sound came out more like a groan and her eyes immediately traveled back to Teresa still standing there. Hurry up and help me, Teresa!

Teresa smiled, and held out the phone to her, Bianca, Tim is still at the precinct, but he wants to know if you and he are still on for tomorrow night?

The fork dropped from her fingers making a loud clanging sound while her stomach sickeningly rolled. That was not the sort of help I was looking for!

Bianca really wished she could have hit herself, how could she have forgotten the many times Teresa was always trying to set her up with her brother? Especially since he was just recently assigned to the new barracks here? Her hand slightly shaking, Bianca had no choice but to grab the phone that Teresa put directly into her face.

H-hello?

Hi Bianca. Since my sister said that you are free tomorrow night that will work out great for me to finally meet up with you. I have day shift tomorrow, but I could pick you up in the evening around 5:30. We could go out to eat and then see a movie. Does that sound good?

She wanted to crawl under the table and cry because she was stuck. No, it didn’t sound good. Not at all. I don’t want to go on a date, I just want to stay home in my pajamas and work. Then maybe... Blonde hair and green eyes arose in her mind and she inwardly groaned. He would not be calling so give it up, Bianca! He’s probably already taken, and he is in no way interested in you.

How can you not see it? He has never called, nor texted you back, so give it up already!

Clearing her throat, she gripped the phone a little too tightly when her heart physically started hurting, Okay Tim. That’ll be fine. Thanks. Bianca quickly handed the phone back to Teresa.

Teresa smugly smiled while all of the men in the room raised up their hands and left. The women at the table oddly looked to her and she tried to ignore them when she waved bye to Teresa, but was never so thankful then when Mrs. Ebert finally steered their attention back to the subject at hand about when their next potluck at church should be.

She felt tears of frustration building up. Jesus please let my tears wait until I’m safely at home. Or at the very least...on my way home.

Her hand slightly shook and she frowned pushing her plate away, her appetite was completely gone. She cordially smiled and tried to listen, but her mind kept veering back to her current problem.

How was she going to get out of this date?

She tucked her hair behind her ear as she contemplated, maybe Tim could be the man for her.

Jesus, if he is the one please help me to get happy about this date, instead of dreading tomorrow evening as I am now.

She thought about Tim’s voice and there was nothing that moved inside of her. There was no slightly edgy, manly voice with a hint of laughter in its depths, nor any excitement racing through her wanting to just hear him speak over and over again while her much attuned ears were unable to get enough of his voice. Eric’s face floated across her mind. His voice and barely held laughter in check flooded her senses.

Tim wasn’t Eric.

Her heart unexpectedly dropped and she gulped, while her eyes began to feel like bulging floodgates.

Jesus, please allow something to happen that will give me a great excuse not to go on this date, I think that will be even better for me.

Chapter 2

Eric laid in the dark on his big, lonely bed. His lips could still feel the tenderness of hers. No matter how many times he had washed them, she was still there. His eyes opened and he looked above to the black ceiling, but that soon gave way to her black hair swirling all around him, the softness caressing his rough hands while she mesmerized him. Her beautiful, super light hazel eyes flickered between almost white with flecks of gold and then with flecks of green in them, the only thing that remained constant was the mysterious depths to them that he was sure no one but God knew of. His eyes narrowed and he tried to look deeper into them, but instead, as in that day outside the hospital, she closed them all too soon.

His hand protectively reached across his chest imagining her head resting against him with his hand firmly holding her there. For a moment he allowed himself to imagine what it would feel like to have someone want him, and need him for himself. How would it feel for Bianca to want me like that? Or to be able to run my fingers through her hair anytime I wanted to, or kiss her each time it entered my mind? Or for her to belong to me?

His heart fiercely pounded in his chest, and he angrily grabbed his pillow and threw it across the room. His breathing became erratic while he sat up and placed his feet on the floor. Get a grip Lawrence, she has a huge ‘Do Not Approach’ sign on her!

Striding to his bathroom he climbed into the ice cold shower and let the jets pound against him over and over again stealing his breath.

Much, much better.

Eric stood under the slashing onslaught of the ice cold water and renewed his thoughts, he would continue to only look to Jesus. He would no longer look to her. She was untouchable, unapproachable, and unthinkable. It was not allowed, and he would never put himself through that. He would never ever do that. He could never blatantly disobey one of his boss’s orders. He couldn’t.

Jesus arose in his mind and Eric delightfully started to worship Him. The burden of her lifted and his soul rejoiced. You, alone, know what I need. Lead the way, Lord. Lead the way!

Two and a half hours later...

Stunned, Eric stopped on the threshold of the small town in West Virginia, parked his bike, and took off his helmet completely unsure of what to do next.

Holding up his hands he looked to the sky, "Come on! Are you serious? I specifically said ‘lead the way, Lord.’ Not ‘lead the way to her, Lord!’"

He angrily looked back to the town sign as the light from the spotlight on the ground lit it up. Seeing it in the flesh didn’t help him any, in fact it worsened his condition. The directions to her place flew through his analytical mind that had the irritating effects of being photographic. The map he had seen online was even there, along with the topographic map as well.

He grabbed his head, Lord, I prayed for them to specifically go away after my moment of weakness in looking them up. But instead they are even clearer now.

Growling, Eric fought to regain control over his thoughts because Bianca McDonald was someone he just couldn’t like. Jesus! I need you! Take her from me, Lord. Take her from me!

Desperation kicked in and he bowed before Jesus, please Jesus. No, not her, please...not her!

After a few deep breaths, his mind finally settled down as the familiar peace gripped him.

He leaned against his bike, maybe it isn’t as bad as he first thought, maybe if he went to her house to just secretly check in on her then she would finally be able to leave his thoughts. Along with every single, little detail that was associated with her in that separate catalog inside his head labeled ‘DO NOT open!’

Eric wiped his brow. Hey, it’s the least he could do for his boss who had his hands full with his pregnant wife, and his own physical injuries that were still mending.

He would see something about Bianca that he hated and didn’t want any part of, and he would firmly let her go. It was as easy as that! Just like that it would be over, nothing would stay in his mind, not her phone number, nor her two texts, nor her eyes, and especially not that long, dark, swirling hair that wildly glistened...

He groaned please take her from me, Lord! You have to!

Jamming his helmet back on his head, Eric took off towards her place.

Bianca got up from bed, and after reading her Bible, she pulled on her sweatshirt, grabbed a blanket, and headed out her back door to sit on her porch swing. Her heart felt too heavy in her chest, and inside she was way too restless to even begin work yet. She closed her eyes and breathed in the cool, crisp late-summer air.

When will things finally start changing for me? Pulling the blanket up more around her, she looked to the sky full of so many stars. She thought again on the verse that she had just read, Proverbs 3:5-6: ‘Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.’ Maybe I’m asking way too many questions. I love you Lord and my heart aches for you, to learn more about you, to hear from you, to live in you, to... She took a deep breath, the more I learn of you, the more heartsick I feel and I can’t understand that. Nothing is changing in my life that I can see, nor in what I can understand...

Her heart dropped, ‘lean not on your own understanding.’ That’s my problem! I’m wanting to understand too much. Her eyes again looked to the beautiful stars...and I really am changing because I’m thinking and talking more and more to you. Excitement rushed through her and without thinking words burst forth from deep within her, Please direct my path and please cleanse me of the need to question and understand.

A motorcycle sounded in the distance and as the sound got closer and closer, she frowned. That’s odd. Standing, she walked around her cabin and her breath caught when she saw lights turn off at the same moment the engine was cut and by the scraping of the gravel she could tell that it was being parked right in her lane.

Fear struck hard and she started physically trembling as she continued to look through the dark night. Only certain areas were viewable under the bright moonlight. Her mind instantly searched for people she knew with motorcycles, but she didn’t know anyone with a motorcycle, they all had 4-wheelers. Her eyes continued to watch her long lane, and as soon as she saw a small flash of light it was gone again.

Jesus, please protect me from whomever that is. Give me the wisdom to deal with them.

Her phone!