Passport to Pleasure: The Hottest Sex from Around the World

THE HOTTEST SEX FROM AROUND THE WORLD

seduction no. 1

Never Out of Style

POLAND

FOR his EYES ONLY

ROMANCE IS ALIVE AND WELL IN POLAND. Chalk up another benefit to the fall of the Iron Curtain, at least for women. In recent decades, Polish men have finally been free to make their way across the world, and they have been charming the ladies with their sweet, chivalrous ways. Some of their dating habits—bringing flowers, holding hands, carrying bags—may sound a little quaint to a thoroughly modern split-the-check kind of guy. But what those traits really are is respectful. And women respond to respect, in every part of the planet, in every language. Respect never goes out of style.

Oh, I know, it’s easy to make fun of old-fashioned behavior. If you spend too many nights sitting in front of old ’70s and ’80s sitcoms, you’ll start to believe that the world is full of super-independent sassy mamas who will turn you into a punch line if you dare to hold the door for them. Cue the laugh track! But that’s just TV. Real women actually love gentlemen. And, more than almost anything else in the world, real women are impressed by a guy who keeps doing sweet, thoughtful, romantic things for us even after we have slept with him. That’s the kind of love you can’t fake. No man is rich enough to buy that kind of class. It makes you irresistible. It makes us, um, horny.

An ultra-romantic date requires some planning, of course. You’re going to need help, and the best place to turn for assistance is your sweetheart’s best friend. Explain the following to her:

1. You’re planning a romantic surprise.

2. You need her to get your sweetie out of the house most of Saturday afternoon.

3. Your girl needs to get dressed and primped at the friend’s house, because that is where you are going to pick her up for your big date.

All three of those things will completely impress the best friend. If this were a TV sitcom, she would say awwww, and so would the audience.

Now you have to do what a Polish guy would do: politely ask your baby for a dinner date. If your usual Saturday night is takeout on the sofa, she’ll be tickled by your invitation. And her sense of curiosity is going to get all twisted up when you explain that you will be picking her up at her friend’s house. When Saturday finally rolls around, here is precisely what the two of them will be doing all day long: shopping. Picking out clothes. Getting makeovers. Talking about you.

And here is what you will be doing on Saturday. First, get a haircut. And not at a ten-dollar place. You need to find a good salon where they will give you a real once-over. They’ll trim the hair off your ears. (Did you even know you had hair on your ears? You do. It’s gross.) They’ll check your nostrils. Yep, hair there, too. One more thing, and I’m not kidding. Get your eyebrows waxed. A decent men’s salon will know how to leave you looking manly but still get rid of the strays, and trust me, you got ’em.

Wash the car. Straighten up the bedroom. Put out candles. Pluck the petals off three roses and sprinkle them across the bed. (Make the bed!) Now go pick up your date.

Does this all sound like a lot of work? I’ll bet it’s really no more work than you used to do when you were courting her. And that’s exactly the point. Like a true Polski dzentelman, a gentleman from Poland, you are going to put serious effort into impressing her. And you are going to succeed, in a huge way, from the moment she opens the door. There you are, looking better than she has seen in a long while, maybe better than ever, with your sharp haircut, your shined shoes, your best jacket. You’re carrying one red rose. Emotion will well up inside her, and it will startle her to discover how much she has been missing you today. This reunion, this process of arriving in a clean car to pick her up, feels good. It feels amazing. It feels like prom night.

Take her to dinner at a pretty place, in a lovely area, but don’t park close to the restaurant. Stroll with her. Hold her hand and walk along and let her tell you about her day. Take your time at dinner and listen to what she has to say. On the way back to the car, find a spot under a tree and kiss her. Tell her how pretty she is. Tell her that you missed her.

When you get back home, ask her to wait just a moment while you run ahead to the bedroom. Light all the candles. Tell her to come in, and when she does, just … stand there. Let her soak it all in. It’s an awesome sight—you, the flickering light, the roses—and she might get a little teary. That’s because she knows you didn’t have to go to this much trouble. You had her at "hello." She is already yours, but there you are, putting yourself on the line like a high school crush, working your ass off to make her feel desirable and precious and loved.

That is going to get you so laid tonight. Which is not a very gentlemanly way of looking at it, but hey, this ain’t television. And here in real life, you are fixing to get a little action. Awwww. Fade to black.

Sexy Stats

In Poland, if you are male and under fifty, you are expected to relinquish your bus or train seat to a woman immediately, especially if she’s over twenty-five.

When a man courts a woman in Poland, he courts her entire family—especially her mother—with flowers and displays of chivalry like hand kissing. Now, that’s devotion to your future mother-in-law!

Polish men are most faithful. Sixty-three percent of them say they have never cheated with another woman.

Chiv • al • ry The qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women.

THE HOTTEST SEX FROM AROUND THE WORLD

seduction no. 2

Pop It Like It’s Hot

USA

FOR her EYES ONLY

AT ONE TIME OR OTHER, ALMOST EVERY culture on Earth has had a tradition of pretty girls in revealing costumes in front of an appreciative audience. It’s mentioned in the Bible, and we know it was common in ancient Greece and India. In post-Victorian times, girls posed motionless, nearly naked, re-creating the look of famous paintings or sculptures, and it was considered high-minded art.

Now the art of striptease—that’s a purely American invention. My heart swells with American pride when I think about that, because it’s an awesome invention, not quite up there with the lightbulb or the electric guitar, but still, pretty cool. You can see early hints of it in the old Ziegfeld Follies of the early 1900s, and it has connections to vaudeville and early burlesque, but it wasn’t until the 1950s that the striptease became an art form of its own. In recent years, it has been revived with a vengeance as New Burlesque, with women and couples making up most of the audience. And what draws them to the shows, what makes a striptease more than just, well, stripping, are the four key ingredients that define an act. It should be a good performance, of course, and it must also be revealing, arousing, and … amusing. If your audience isn’t having fun, then you’re just undressing to music.

No one understands the humor of striptease better than the lush and lovely Miss Dirty Martini, who makes crowds roar when she hits the stage with her funny and wildly sexy balloon dance. DM is large-and-in-charge, and such a strong performer that she won the coveted Miss Exotic World title. What’s her secret? Confidence. It’s the ultimate aphrodisiac. Miss Martini shared some tips for the show you are going to put on this week, and she recommended this dance as a perfect birthday present for a guy. Cake, balloons, and a dancing girl—who wouldn’t love this seduction?

Several days before your performance, tease your man with balloons. Leave a single inflated balloon on his car seat, or in his bathroom sink, or taped to one of his shoes. No explanation necessary. He’ll get the idea that you are up to something, and he’ll spend most of the week grinning and obsessing about you and your upcoming surprise. (Bonus anticipation points: Use a nonfrosted balloon for your teaser, and before you blow it up, stuff it with a tiny pair of panties or a single sheer stocking. Hot!) When the time is right, make your final preparations. Kids out of the house, phone off the hook. Set up a chair in the middle of the room and tell your lover he has to have his butt planted there in exactly fifteen minutes. Go put on your costume.

(We interrupt this striptease to bring you some practical tips. Miss Martini recommends 12-inch frosted balloons. Inflate them fully, then let just a little air out before knotting the opening. Attach twenty of them to your teddy with safety pins. And do all this long before your dance, then hide your costume! You don’t want to start your show light-headed and gasping for air from blowing up balloons. That is just not sexy, as I sadly discovered on my own. Dirty Martini uses a lit cigarette to pop the props in her act, but a large hat pin or safety pin will work as well. Pop them from the back, that is, from a point close to where they are attached to your teddy. The broken bits mostly fly away from you, and the fabric protects you from the rest. I was a little afraid of popping the balloons when I first tried this, but Martini’s advice worked; I never got stung by a breaking balloon.)

When you’re ready, issue instructions to your guy from offstage—tell him he has to press Play on the stereo and then sit down. The music starts, and you make your entrance. You’re wearing high heels and balloons, and not much else, and naturally your man is astonished—and totally impressed. You’re carrying a small cake, with candles lit. You’re moving fast, dancing to the music, smiling like the world’s biggest spotlight is on you. "Happy birthday, big guy!" Set the cake aside and twirl across the floor. Wiggle your hips and shimmy your breasts so that the balloons bounce and fly. Now, one by one, begin popping the balloons to reveal what they are hiding.

Save the best for last, of course. Slowly get rid of all the balloons except the ones over bush, tush, and boobies. With a wink and a smile, perform that most classic striptease move: Loosen your clothes while holding them in place. Pull the straps of your teddy off your shoulders. Open the front clasp or ties, but keep your breasts hidden with one arm. With your other hand, pop those top balloons, and then slowly drop the teddy to reveal … an amazing, beautiful bra underneath, with swinging tassels attached. (You can make your own tassels or buy them online. And for a genuine burlesque performance, you can drop your bra to reveal glimmering stick-on pasties.) Pop the bottom balloons and shimmy out of the teddy to reveal … your sexiest panties. Shake your shoulders to set the tassels in motion, clockwise, counterclockwise, and if you’re really skilled and, um, endowed, you might even get them swinging in opposite directions. This is a real crowd pleaser, and your audience will be cheering and hooting for more.

A real striptease would end right here. That’s why they call it a tease. But this is a seduction—and so now is your chance to demonstrate a whole different set of skills. Move in close. Get intimate with your guy. Give him, you know, a birthday present, a real once-in-a-while kind of treat.

On your birthday, he can knock you over with diamonds. But on his birthday, well …

He’ll be happy if you just play with the family jewels.

Sexy Stats

The U.S. platinum selling pop group The Pussycat Dolls got their big break performing burlesque shows at Johnny Depp’s Viper Room nightclub in Los Angeles.

Famous striptease props include snakes, monkeys, macaws, doves, parakeets, stuffed horses, swimming tanks, and even bubble baths.

THE HOTTEST SEX FROM AROUND THE WORLD

seduction no. 3

The Tiny Mailman

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA, USA

FOR his EYES ONLY

THE INTERNET IS ABOUT TO HELP YOU HAVE some truly awesome sex.

No, not that way! C’mon, focus here. I mean that you are about to have fun, romance, and some smoking-hot physical relations with your sweetheart—a seduction, in other words—all with a little help from your computer. Insert your own hard drive joke here.

The next paragraph has some minor tech stuff, which thrills some guys but makes others uneasy, so let me make one thing clear: This is not difficult. You can do this. In fact, you could get to the heart of this seduction with no machine at all. Pencil and paper will still git ’r done. But as long as you’ve got a computer and an Internet connection, here’s how to use them to create a little romantic magic for your girl.

Start by creating a live, shared calendar. Once upon a time, that was something only big companies could do, but these days it’s free and simple enough for everyone. Softball teams use them to keep track of games; families use them to schedule events. There are a few different ways to make this happen, but for price and convenience, it’s hard to beat Google, which can make a calendar that will show up on any Internet-connected computer or smart phone in the world. Go to www.google.com/a and sign up for a free Google Apps account, then look for the Calendar application. Google will walk you through the whole setup process.

It doesn’t take long; I did it in under fifteen minutes. And if at any point it starts to feel cumbersome or frustrating, just remind yourself: This is foreplay. Now that puts a positive spin on things, doesn’t it?

Let Google send an e-mail to your sweetie, inviting her to subscribe to your newly created calendar. Then start using your calendar to flirt with her. A lot.

Add an entry to next Tuesday: Spent whole week thinking about your wonderful kisses. Pick a random day later in the month and type this in: Must watch you get dressed in morning. Makes me wild with lust! Set up a special offer for Friday night: I’ll bring dinner home. And clean up after! What do you want?

Here’s the cool thing about an Internet-based calendar. You can add these flirty little items one at a time, from work or Starbucks or wherever you have a computer handy. These love notes show up on her calendar automatically, like sexy little postcards delivered by a tiny mailman. Once she catches on, she’ll start checking her calendar every day, clicking the Refresh button several times a day, just to see what new sweet talk you’ve added. She’ll be able to see them anywhere she has a screen. (Cool bonus option: If you use iCal on a Mac instead, you can send pictures to her by attaching photo files to these dates.) Every day or two, add a new entry. Some of them should promise specific treats on specific days, like a dinner date or a movie. But most should be simple love notes. Each time a fresh one pops up on her monitor, she’ll know you’ve been thinking of her. As the weeks go by, she’ll end up with a truly impressive gift, a running record of your passionate thoughts for