Vinegar and Spice (An Outrageous Look at Human Foibles)

Chapter 28: Ugly Is As Ugly Does

Chapter 29: Advertising And All That Jazz

Chapter 30: When Karaoke Is Simply Not Okay

Chapter 31: Legal But Lethal

Chapter 32: Unmetaphorically Speaking

Chapter 33: Culinary Skills That Kill

Chapter 34: Drat That Brat

Chapter 35: Over The Hill And Bungling Still

Chapter 36: Charity Without Clarity

Chapter 37: Insult Cult

Chapter 38: Those We Love To Hate ... Ladies First

Chapter 39: Those We Love To Hate ... And Now The Gents

Chapter 40: General Observations Of Life’s Lack Of Inhibition

Also By The Same Author

JEST A WORD

Vinegar may well make you shudder,

While spice will most certainly entice.

Yet both are essential condiments

That add zing to the buffet of life.

A vinegarish joke or anecdote reminds you that, like everyone else, you often fluff your lines and execute the wrong moves on the stage of life. Though it isn’t comfortable when the cap fits you, there’s no occasion to get riled. Take a general joke for what it is – a means to generate humour, not an intended slur. There’s really no reason to feel uncomfortable. We’re all imperfect, each and every single one of us.

A spicy joke, on the other hand, is pure naughtiness. It digs up and exposes all that which you conceal under a front of conventionality. It shows you what you’d like to be but which you’re probably reluctant to admit even to yourself. It may even make you ask yourself whether you’re going to keep up the pretence – or live your life the way you truly want to. Whatever your choice, never forget how to laugh. Learn to see the hidden ludicrousness beneath all the seriousness. Look at yourself and at life – and guffaw. It sure as hell beats turning the faucet on.

Chapter 1:

Condom Wisdom

A condom is something that’s not needed when you go, but only when you come.

Condoms are like reliable friends. They’re useful to have around when things get hard.

A condom is an object with a positive connotation. It refuses to admit anything which points downwards.

Before you slip on a condom, you must first stand at full attention. Not necessarily on your feet, of course.

The best contraceptive of all is oral. All you have to say is no.

A condom is something that prevents an accident happening when both the driver and the front-seat passenger are in the back seat.

Putting on a condom is not much different from wrapping up the meat before putting it in the oven.

There’s a link between a condom and your bachelor’s freedom, brother. If you don’t use one, you just might lose the other.

Grown men like to play with balloons too. The type that’s slipped on, not blown up.

Condoms don’t always guarantee safety. They’re not much help if some guy catches you with his wife.

Condoms are for those married couples who believe that an ideal family comprises only two people.

Honestly, guys, you can’t go wrong if you shield your dong before you start to prong.

A condom is also a beauty-aid. It helps women maintain slim waistlines.

A condom is something which ensures that an ecstatic spill does not entail a medical bill.

A condom a day keeps obligatory child-support away.

Contraceptives are a bird-repellant. They discourage the visit of the stork.

A condom is a device for turning away unwanted visitors such as overly sociable bacteria and viruses.

A glove is an accessory into which you slip all your five digits. A condom is that into which you slip only one.

Every birth certificate should be accompanied by a note of apology from a condom manufacturer.

Cold cream and condoms serve the same purpose. Both come in handy when a particular part of the body is swollen.

A condom and a naval base have one thing in common. They’re often filled with seamen.

You can liken a condom to an easy conscience. Both contribute towards your peace of mind.

A condom ensures that the swelling on the man does not subsequently cause another kind kind of swelling on the woman.

Can you believe it? There’s this store which allows you to try on a condom for size before buying!

Condoms are a good way to ensure that a torrential downpour of lust does not cause an unwanted sapling to sprout.

No matter how habitually punctual a woman may be, without a condom there’s every possibility she may find herself late.

As long as you’re not a preacher, use a condom. You don’t want to see the seeds you sow bear fruit.

A condom, strictly speaking, is a receptacle for holding seed – except you wouldn’t dream of putting cereal in it.

A condom ensures that a fun-filled fling does not necessitate a wedding ring.

A condom’s function is to discourage the introduction of the baby-carriage before the solemnization of the marriage.

Almost ten billion condoms are sold all over the world yearly. I guess that proves man’s favourite sport isn’t football.

Cut down on the beers if you have to, but don’t forget a condom is meant to be used only once.

A Mediterranean cruise may cost you an arm and a leg, but the cost of a condom is a small price to pay for a trip to Jupiter and Mars.

There’s a new type of condom that makes a man’s member look like a frankfurter. The brand name is Bite-Not.

Fruit-flavoured condoms are a reminder that Vitamin C is essential for good health.

Many men dislike the use of condoms. It makes them feel as if they are wading in water with their socks on.

Understanding the usefulness of prophylactics means getting the hang of a safe bang.

Use condoms. Sex is infinitely more fun without lurid visions of a shotgun.

Some men never leave the house without arming themselves with letters. Not letters of introduction but the French type.

If you sell condoms, be prepared to send occasional notes of apology – to women in maternity wards.

A French letter, for the elucidation of the unlettered, is not a missive written in a particular European language.

Sex may last only for a short while, but dispensing with the condom may mean a walk down the aisle.

A condom is also known as a rubber. When it’s used, considerable rubbing occurs between two parties.

Women who don’t carry condoms with them generally end up carrying babies.

Condoms are a man’s best friend. Unfortunately, most men won’t appreciate this until they’ve been slammed with a paternity suit.

There is a device that prevents certain swimmers from reaching the end of the tunnel. It’s a cap supposedly of French origin.

Watch out when your kids go romping in the park early in the morning. They just might pick up those milk-filled balloons scattered everywhere.

The height of cruelty would be to hang condom-shaped balloons on a Christmas tree in a convent.

AIDS is a boon to certain people – condom manufacturers, for one.

For many people, peace of mind is not attained through religion but by using a condom.

Don’t over-dramatise by offering to protect her with your life. Protection with a condom is good enough for starters.

If a man doesn’t use protection when he seduces a girl, he himself just might need protection from her father.

A condom ensures that when a man makes a woman out of a girl, he doesn’t make a mother out of her as well.

When you see the number of children some couples have, you know they’ve been using perforated condoms.

Reluctant parents are those who were reluctant to use condoms.

A condom, to all intents and purposes, is a sperm-prison. But watch out if even a single prisoner manages to escape!

If a newborn could speak, he’d probably say to a condom, You lose, you hear? That’s why I’m here!

What goes up when the economy goes down? Condom sales, what else!

Always buy reliable condoms. The tiniest leak can mean another mouth to feed.

There’s a new type of condom meant for porn stars. Its brand name is King Dong.

There’s a new type of condom which is meant for use when a man has sex with a nymphomaniac. It’s called Unmeltables.

Always have a spare condom of black lambskin with you. Some girls dig black men.

When you slip on a glove, it generally means there’s work to be done. When you slip on a rubber, it always means it’s time for fun.

When a man slips on a banana peel, he falls on his butt. When he slips on a condom, he falls on a bed.

Always have a condom at hand. Lust is not as predictable as spring. You never know when you may want to have a fling.

There’s this guy who got married because he obeyed a Biblical injunction. He loved his neighbour. But he forgot to use protection.

A femidom is a condom which a woman slips into her privates before sex. Trouble is, getting it on sometimes feels so good she dispenses with the man.

Chapter 2:

Aphrodisiacs And Sex Maniacs

You can always tell when an aphrodisiac works for a man. You can hang your car keys on him.

A sex stimulant is like wet cement. If it doesn’t stiffen, it’s no good.

A sex-stimulant is like a strong breeze. It helps limp things unfurl and wave in the air.

An aphrodisiac gives a woman the cutting edge. Her thighs open up like a pair of scissors.

Aphrodisiacs are meant for men who readily accept apologies and bear no grudges. Men who simply have no hard feelings.

An aphrodisiac does no earthly good when the tilt has been permanently replaced by the wilt.

Aphrodisiacs are meant for men on whom women frown when they look down.

An aphrodisiac is something you need when you can no longer perform the deed.

Morality may be a good dissuader, but an aphrodisiac’s a mighty strong persuader.

A young girl’s innocence is the most powerful aphrodisiac of all to a dirty old man.

An aphrodisiac is intended for men with little understanding. Which is to say, what’s under does very little standing.

An aphrodisiac doesn’t do any good when you have a limp. It only helps when you’re limp.

An aphrodisiac is supposed to provide the solution when a man can’t rise to the occasion.

A laxative is something that loosens your bowels. An aphrodisiac is something does the same for your morals.

An aphrodisiac is for that time of life when a man’s back starts to stoop and something else tends to droop.

Let’s face it – if a beautiful, desirable girl does not act as an aphrodisiac for a man, he can swap his double-bed for a single one.

Just slip something into her drink, and she’ll submit to any kind of kink.

How can you verify the nationality of Spanish Fly? Prick it with a pin and see whether it does the flamenco.

A man who takes an overdose of Viagra does not walk in his sleep. He merely stands in his sleep.

Valium is supposed to make you go to sleep. Viagra is meant to wake a certain part of you from sleep.

The rain in Spain may stay mainly on the plain, but the fly from that country frequently ends up in people’s drinks.

When aphrodisiacs will no longer do an old husband any good, he has only one other recourse left. To engage a young, virile chauffeur for his young wife.

An aphrodisiac bestows a blessing which is twofold – it renders the man capable and the woman pliable.

It’s not wrong to associate the word aphrodisiac with Afro. Black men are believed to be pretty good in bed.

An aphrodisiac affects room temperature. It makes the place so warm you simply have to slip out of your clothes.

Uncooked greens must have aphrodisiacal properties. Look at rabbits. They eat nothing else.

The Bible tells us Solomon had one thousand wives. A pity it doesn’t also tell us what he took for a night-cap.

One way to raise Sodom from the ashes is to give the inmates of men’s prisons Viagra as a health supplement.

Some believe that consuming the penii of animals cures men of their impotence. It follows that if a moron eats enough animal brain, he’ll turn into another Einstein.

Some men lie awake and weep for their sins. An aphrodisiac is meant for those who lie awake and weep for their inability.

An aphrodisiac comes in useful when what you want to do is hard because something simply refuses to get hard.

Oysters are supposed to arouse a man’s sexual urge. It does – especially when he pries it open and it reminds him of a certain part of a woman’s anatomy.

You’ll never convince some people that the resurrection of the flesh mentioned in the Bible does not depend on the taking of aphrodisiacs.

An anti-depressant and an aphrodisiac perform almost similar functions. One lifts your spirit, the other lifts something more solid.

A man past a certain age looks upon Viagra as a means of regaining Paradise Lost.

If popping yourself in her mouth fails to do the trick, try popping Viagra into your own.

Aphrodisiacs are supposed to give old men that early-morning adolescent feeling.

One way to attract women is not to bathe too often. Some say body stench works like an aphrodisiac.

A girlie magazine is recruiting new models for its future issues. The applicants have to fulfill only one requirement. Their appearance must work like an aphrodisiac.

Do you know why God created aphrodisiacal substances? Because he’s embarrassed by what impotent men ask from him in their prayers.

If you take an overdose of a sex stimulant, you may still get your rocks off – but in a different plane of existence.

If no kind of stimulant will work for a man, he can always pretend to be a corpse. After all, corpses are supposed to be stiff.

If your snake will not wake no matter what you take, girls on the make are what you should forsake.

There’s a very effective way of making a man burst like a balloon. Make him watch a porn movie, force him to take an aphrodisiac, then tie him up.

Chapter 3:

Adultery, The Spice Of Married Life

Adultery is relieving an itch by rubbing against the wrong tree.

Adultery is often due to memory loss. Some married people tend to forget they’re married.

Adulterous men love pastry. That’s why they always have an eye on the tarts.

Men cheat on their wives for the same reason that dogs lick their genitals – because they can.

Adulterous people are deeply religious, as a rule. They’re always praying – that their spouses don’t find out!

An instance of adultery is when your master’s wife is your mistress in more ways than one.

Adulterers all lie in two ways. First they lie with someone else, then they lie to their spouses.

Everybody lies every now and then, but when an adulterer lies it’s always with the wrong person.

Many a married man’s reason for not committing adultery is the lack of suitable opportunity.

If a woman changes her sheets regularly, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t also replace the man who lies on them.

The adulterous woman’s excuse – there’s no commandment which says thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s husband.

If it weren’t for one thing, there wouldn’t be any adultery. That thing is marriage.

The most exciting aspect of adultery is not being in bed with someone who’s not your spouse. It’s being discovered in bed with that someone by your spouse.

When the cat is away, the mice do not come out and play. They do it in the bedroom with the blinds drawn.

When the cat is away, the mice do not come out and play. They just come with each other.

The practice of swapping spouses with foreign couples is not termed adultery. It’s called Foreign Exchange.

Fidelity means playing hanky-panky in absolute secrecy without risk of discovery.

Whom God hath joined together sometimes another will try to plunder.

It’s perfectly all right for a married person to commit adultery. Things only stop being all right when the spouse finds out.

When adulterous men recite the Lord’s Prayer,