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    Confessions of an Angry Dwarf: EA'AE, #4
    Confessions of an Angry Dwarf: EA'AE, #4
    Confessions of an Angry Dwarf: EA'AE, #4
    Ebook80 pages46 minutes

    Confessions of an Angry Dwarf: EA'AE, #4

    By Joseph J. Bailey

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    About this ebook

    Note: 2nd edition.  Professionally edited by David "Blazing Beard" Gatewood, Thane of the Stonescribe clan

    Just because you're short, crotchety, seldom bathe, like to drink, and have a beard doesn't make you a Dwarf. (1)

    To see how much you differ from the typical (2) Dwarf, you have but to read Confessions of an Angry Dwarf. If you still think you're a Dwarf after reading this concise guide to Dwarfdom, then you will not be the only one full of surprise.

    Confessions of an Angry Dwarf will correct (3) any (4) misperceptions you may have about the ancient and noble traditions of Dwarfdom.

    If you're a bit more certain about your identity but have ever wanted to explore the inner workings of the Dwarven psyche (5,6), then Confessions of an Angry Dwarf will be your gateway to a world probably better left unvisited.

    With enlightening chapters such as All that Glimmers Might be Gold, Allies and Whether ta Tolerate 'Em, When NOT ta Wear Full Plate, Tha Fine Art o' Belchin', Grabbin' tha Dragon by tha Horns, When Yer Beard Catches Fire, On Learnin' ta Growl, One Good Thumpin' Deserves Another and On Never Conformin' ta Expectation, Confessions of an Angry Dwarf delivers a veritable treasure trove of almost useful information on realizing one's potential as a
    Dwarf.

    If, on the assuredly remote possibility you still maintain some interest in Dwarves, then Confessions of an Angry Dwarf will be your irrefutably refutable guide to Dwarfdom and Dwarven endeavor. (7)

    Observations from a talking axe:

       1. These qualities will generally draw comparisons to things other than Dwarves.
       2. Or atypical in the case of Urdaen"Flamebeard" Doomhammer.
       3. More likely further.
       4. Or many.
       5. Such as it is.
       6. Brave soul that you are.
       7. Now go grab your axe, don your armor, and start reading! 

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherJoseph J. Bailey
    Release dateFeb 25, 2014
    ISBN9780989458245
    Confessions of an Angry Dwarf: EA'AE, #4

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      Book preview

      Confessions of an Angry Dwarf - Joseph J. Bailey

      Tha Dwarvishness o’ Dwarves

      Ya’re a Dwarf!¹

      Ya chew rocks and spit out diamonds.

      Ya pound yer chest and thunder reverberates off mountaintops.

      Yer battle cry causes avalanches on mountains ya cannot see.

      Yer fists crush stones and break yer enemies’ will.

      Ya swim in ale and do not drown.

      Yer beard represents tha honor o’ yer clan and thane.

      Yer foes quiver in pitiful heaps upon tha sound o’ yer footfalls.

      Yer pride and accomplishments are unbroken and untarnished.

      Ya’re a Dwarf!

      Act like one!³

      Observations from a talking axe: 

      1. For those uncultured and untraveled, Dwarves are short, squat, hairy creatures that occasionally emerge from their caves to make war on other even more repulsive cave dwellers. ²

      2. Namely Orcs, Trolls, Ogres, and the like.

      3. These loving, heartfelt words were uttered most sweetly upon the occasion of the birth of Urdaen’s granddaughter Urdaea.

      Yer Honor or Yer Life?

      Yer life is a mark o’ honor ta yer clan and thane, yer family, yer kith and yer kin.

      Do not sully or besmirch yer honor!

      Do not lessen or dishonor yer people!

      Never cut yer beard and never lose face!

      Honor is yer life.

      Life is honor.¹

      Observations from a talking axe: 

      1. Glowing words of encouragement offered while pounding upon a particularly fortunate desktop during preschool graduation ceremonies for young Dwarves in the Doomhammer clan. ²

      2. My pommel still smarts.

      What Kind o’ Delvin’ (or World) D’Ya Want ta Live In?

      Tha world outside tha walls o’ yer hold is vast beyond yer ability ta comprehend, full o’ more treasures than our vaults could ever contain.

      There’re wonders great enough ta make a Baera’Dur cry, marvels majestic enough ta make a Dur’kazak sing, and mysteries profound enough ta make a Kor’Dannan rejoice.

      Aside from skull bashin’, beer swillin’,  and gold hoardin’, what will ya do?¹

      What life d’ya want ta lead?

      Want type o’ world d’ya want ta live in?

      What type o’ future d’ya wish ta create?

      Will ya add ta tha wonder o’ tha wide world or take from it?

      Ya’re a Dwarf. 

      Tha time ta choose is now!

      Decide how ya’ll live each moment.

      Now do it!²

      Observations from a talking axe: 

      1. Having covered almost the full range of Dwarven activity, Urdaen’s imagination ran dry attempting to consider matters outside these far-reaching concerns.

      2. Broad-minded words offered to his niece while playing dolls prior to mounting a war party against neighboring Orcs.

      Mistakes Dwarves Make

      Bein’ a Dwarf’s hazardous.

      There’re cave-ins, unknown and uncounted enemies risin’ up from tha deeps, thieves wishin’ ta steal our treasures, younglin’s lost ta tha call o’ adventure, ta name but a few.

      Don’t let yer stupidity add ta tha list!¹

      A Dwarf should never sleep without his armor.

      Orcs attack at night.  Never be caught defenseless.

      With a good suit o’ armor, ya’ll never need a blanket.

      A Dwarf should always be armed.

      If ya don’t have a weapon at the ready, be ready ta die.

      Pick yer teeth with yer dagger. 

      Eat with yer short sword.

      Trim yer eyebrows with yer axe.

      I don’t care how ya manage, but always have a weapon at hand.

      A Dwarf should never put his faith in anyone but a Dwarf.

      If ya come ta rely on others, ya’ll only be let down.

      If ya rely on yerself, ya only have yerself ta blame fer any shortcomin’s or mistakes.

      A Dwarf should never reveal tha location o’ any o’ his stashes.

      Do I really have ta tell ya this?

      As soon as the secret’s off yer lips, ya’ll have carrion crows gatherin’ ta raid yer goods.

      A Dwarf’s beard should never become entangled.

      Yer beard should never become snared or snarled.

      In addition ta showin’ yer accomplishments, trophies, and achievements, there’s a reason ya have kazzak.

      Kazzak keep yer beard in order!

      Just as yer kazzak reflect yer honor, yer beard reflects yer character.

      Don’t let yer beard fail ya and don’t fail yer beard.

      Observations from a talking axe: 

      1. In fairness to Dwarves, Urdaen’s list could be much longer. ²

      2. In fairness to everyone else, so could

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