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    Diary Of Dorkius Maximus
    Diary Of Dorkius Maximus
    Diary Of Dorkius Maximus
    Ebook158 pages46 minutes

    Diary Of Dorkius Maximus

    By Tim Collins and Andrew Pinder

    3/5

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    About this ebook

    Dorkius Maximus is a young boy growing up in ancient Rome. This hilarious diary recounts his exploits as, desperate to become a great Roman hero, Dorkius enlists the help of his father's friend, Stoutus, to teach him the noble art of fighting. But heroism doesn't come naturally to Dorkius. Plus, his dad doesn't listen to him, his friends pick on him, and his mum is more interested in her sacred chickens. Dorkius knows there's a mighty warrior inside him, just waiting to get out ... isn't there? Humorously illustrated by Andrew Pinder, this book will delight any child who would like to get a taste of life as an ancient geek.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMichael O'Mara
    Release dateFeb 7, 2013
    ISBN9781780551883
    Diary Of Dorkius Maximus
    Author

    Tim Collins

    Tim Collins worked as a copywriter in advertising before becoming a full-time author. He writes nonfiction books for adults and children’s fiction books, including books designed to appeal to reluctant readers. His work has been translated into forty languages. His books have won numerous awards including the Manchester Fiction City award and the Lincolnshire Book award. He is originally from Manchester but now lives in London.

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      Book preview

      Diary Of Dorkius Maximus - Tim Collins

      Numerals

      March I

      Dad gave me this papyrus scroll today. I’m going to use it to jot down the things that happen to me every day. Then when I’m a noble Roman hero, I’ll have a complete record of how I rose to greatness.

      Future Dorkius Maximus, awesome Roman hero

      I need to work on the noble hero thing, though. Last time I tried on my brother Brawnus’s hand-me-down armour I fell over backwards. It was TOTALLY embarrassing. How am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the enemy when I can’t even stand up?

      But I know I’m destined for big things. After all, Dad used to be in the army and now he’s gone into politics. Brawnus is just a few years older than me, and he’s already a general. So I bet there’s a mighty warrior inside me waiting to get out.

      I just hope he turns up soon.

      March II

      I got kicked out of the kitchen today for stealing a dormouse.

      The slaves were frantically preparing goose livers, cows’ udders and dormice in honey for a dinner party tonight. I didn’t think they’d miss a roast mouse, but one of them smacked it out of my hand and told me to wait until later.

      I HATE dinner parties. The food might be tasty but the guests are disgusting. They always spew into buckets so they can cram in more food.

      It’s so gross. Just the sound of their retching is enough to make me want to barf too. And throwing up is like yawning. As soon as someone does it, you can’t help but join in.

      I wish they’d let me take my food back to my room, but Dad says this is ‘anti-social’. And spraying our dining room with vomit isn’t?

      I can’t sleep because the party is so noisy. I just heard a massive cheer from the garden and peeked outside. Dad’s hired a couple of dwarfs to dress up as gladiators and fight each other.

      Tricky Roman words are explained at the back

      If I go and ask them to keep the noise down, Dad will only make me join in. Then I’ll get stabbed to death by a miniature trident, which will leave me with a lot of explaining to do in the afterlife.

      I’ve been worrying about the afterlife a lot recently.

      Mum says when you die, you have to take a ferry across the River Styx and give an account of your life to three judges. If you’ve been bad, they send you to a nasty place called Tartarus, which is even more horrible than having a maths lesson and going to the dentist at the same time.

      If you’ve been good, they send you to somewhere boring called the Plain of Asphodel. But if you’ve been completely brilliant they send you to the sunny fields of Elysium.

      When I die I want to hang out with the heroes of Elysium, not the sad-acts of Asphodel or the losers of Tartarus.

      But how will I get in if I die from falling downstairs in armour or getting stabbed by a tiny trident?

      I need to become a noble Roman hero RIGHT NOW ... I can’t wait any longer.

      March III

      I just asked Dad if he would train me to be a mighty hero. He said I should wait until I grow a bit taller, as it would be a waste of time at the moment.

      I’m sick of waiting to grow. Brawnus was much taller than me when he was my age. Maybe this is as tall as I’m going to get.

      I followed Dad around all morning, pestering him to train me. Eventually, he gave in and handed me one of his swords.

      I tried to let out a roar like a mighty warrior, but I sent myself into a coughing fit and had to drink some water.

      When I’d recovered, Dad took me out into the atrium and tied a sack of grain to one of the pillars.

      ‘Imagine that’s a barbarian

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