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    The Northern Monkey Survival Guide: How to Hold on to Your Northern Cred in a World Filled with Southern Jessies
    The Northern Monkey Survival Guide: How to Hold on to Your Northern Cred in a World Filled with Southern Jessies
    The Northern Monkey Survival Guide: How to Hold on to Your Northern Cred in a World Filled with Southern Jessies
    Ebook160 pages1 hour

    The Northern Monkey Survival Guide: How to Hold on to Your Northern Cred in a World Filled with Southern Jessies

    By Tim Collins

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    About this ebook

    For too long northerners have faced derision at the hands of southerners, whether it be about the northern climate, their thriftiness, or gloomy outlook, but all this is about to change. Now is the time for northerners to rise up as one and growl, 'I'm from t'North and I'm proud!' The Northern Monkey Survival Guide is a collection of reasons to love the North, together with some useful survival tips for anyone who dares to venture south of Birmingham. Including: . A north-south currency conversion guide - what a cheese and onion buttie is called and what it costs . The Northern Monkey hall of fame - the greatest northerners in history . Places to avoid in the 'Beautiful South'. The Northern Monkey Survival Guide is a celebration of the northern outlook on life and the perfect book for all northerners.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMichael O'Mara
    Release dateFeb 25, 2014
    ISBN9781782432838
    The Northern Monkey Survival Guide: How to Hold on to Your Northern Cred in a World Filled with Southern Jessies
    Author

    Tim Collins

    Tim Collins worked as a copywriter in advertising before becoming a full-time author. He writes nonfiction books for adults and children’s fiction books, including books designed to appeal to reluctant readers. His work has been translated into forty languages. His books have won numerous awards including the Manchester Fiction City award and the Lincolnshire Book award. He is originally from Manchester but now lives in London.

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      Book preview

      The Northern Monkey Survival Guide - Tim Collins

      southerners.

      THE ORIGIN OF THE NORTHERN MONKEY SPECIES

      To find out how the Northern Monkey came about, we need to look back to the early history of the region, which was pretty much one big Saturday night out, with massive fights following by lots of shagging: wave after wave of invaders came over from Europe to kick our arses before eventually settling down and breeding with the locals.

      The prehistoric Northern Monkey

      Modern humans originally settled in the area in the Palaeolithic age, when Britain was still connected to the European land mass. This meant that you could walk over from France, which had the advantage that you could avoid visiting Dover. Over the next few thousand years, peoples such as the Celts wandered over and settled in the North.

      Around 5000 BC, the sea rose over the bit of land that connected us to Europe. This must have been especially annoying if you were planning to cross but didn’t make it in time. Not only would you have to drastically rethink your settlement plans, but you’d be French. An island was now formed that would become home to the separate countries of Scotland, Wales, Northernmonkeyland and Southernjessieland.

      Simius Romanus

      In AD 43, the Romans invaded Britain. Although they went as far as Scotland at one point, they eventually retreated to the far north of what is now England, with Emperor Hadrian ordering the building of his famous wall to mark the northern frontier of the Roman Empire. The Romans brought many conveniences that southerners think we still don’t have, such as water supplies and sewage systems. Sadly, all this good work was cancelled out when they founded London, providing a future breeding ground for countless unbearable toffs and cockneys. Plus, they had the bastard cheek to name the North ‘Britannia Inferior’ and the South ‘Britannia Superior’. Apparently these names had more to do with proximity to Rome than comparative quality, which must have been quite hard to explain while you were getting your Roman arse kicked.

      With their love of sport, music and combat, the Romans left a lasting impact on the culture of the North. And with their love of poncing around in dresses and drinking wine, they also left a lasting impact on the culture of the South.

      The Romans pulled out of Britain at the beginning of the fifth century, and in their place came migrants from Germany and Denmark including the Angles, Saxons and Jutes. It was to prove the most devastating impact the Germans would have on the North until they bombed Stan Boardman’s chippy a few centuries later. The entire country descended into the Dark Ages where violence, poverty and disease were rife and learning and culture fell into decline. It was pretty much what Boris Johnson imagines Leeds to be like.

      Viking apekatt

      The next invaders were the Vikings in the ninth century, and they were probably the most significant for the development of the North–South divide. Beginning with the attack on Lindisfarne Monastery in AD 793 and continuing with raids on both east and west coasts, the Vikings came over in such numbers that Alfred the Great was forced to make a deal with them, splitting the country into Danelaw in the North and Mercia and Wessex in the South.

      Although the Danelaw was eventually brought back under English control, Scandinavian influences remained in the North. So as well as place names ending in words like ‘thwaite’, which means ‘meadow’, ‘by’, which means ‘farm’, and ‘thorpe’, which means ‘village’, the genetic influence of the Vikings can still be seen in the North today.

      Vikings, like northerners, were good at fighting. Vikings, like northerners, loved to dress up in colourful clothing and believed that wearing loads of jewellery made you look like a badass player. And Vikings, like northerners, had dodgy facial hair.

      Le singe Normand to the modern Northern Monkey

      Then in 1066 came the Battle of Hastings and the Norman Conquest of Britain, which basically involved the French ruling class swanning over and subjugating everyone. Naturally, with their love of French wine, French cheese and French cinema, southerners rolled over easily. As soon as King Harold got an arrow in his eye, they started sucking up to new boss William the Conqueror. But the North put up a stronger defence, with notable rebellions in Durham and York. William’s response, the infamous ‘Harrying of the North’, was to lay waste to the entire region. He massacred thousands, burnt villages and destroyed food stocks so that any survivors would starve. It was a policy for dealing with the region that Margaret Thatcher would borrow from heavily in the eighties. William’s extreme policies were effective. The North came under Norman control and once again the Northern Monkey species was fundamentally changed.

      The species continues to evolve today, but whatever our differences, we’ll always be bound together by the beliefs we share – that talking to strangers doesn’t mean you’re mad, that Greggs is a better lunch destination than Pret A Manger and that any pub that charges more than three quid a pint is going to be full of wankers.

      TEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN NORTHERNERS AND SOUTHERNERS

      Ask a southerner what the main differences between the North and the South are and they’ll scoff that they’ve got gas and electricity, and don’t have to use the kettle to fill up the bath (or barth, as they call it). But you should be aware of a few genuine differences between the inhabitants of these two regions.

      Northerners are friendlier

      Walk into a shop and greet the person behind the counter in the North and they’ll greet you back. Walk into a shop in the South and greet the shopkeeper and they’ll tell you to buy something or fuck off.

      Try to turn out of a side road in the North and a fellow motorist will stop, give you a thumbs-up and let you onto the road. Try to turn out of a side road in the South and you’re likely to get a different hand gesture altogether.

      The simple truth is that northerners are nicer. We say ‘thank you driver’ as we step off the bus. We make small talk in queues. We even, God forbid, chat to people who live on the same street as us.

      All of which might seem implausible to southerners who, despite being shoved into close physical proximity in their overcrowded bit of the island, act as if everyone around them is a hologram.

      It makes you wonder why hermits bother to find caves when they want to escape from human contact. If they really want to achieve complete isolation, the best thing they can do is sit on a crowded rush hour tube and try and start a conversation.

      Northerners can hold their drink

      A pub in Newcastle once offered customers free use of the toilets with every five pints of lager they bought. Needless to say, none of their patrons were soft enough to take them up on the offer, with most locals waiting until at least the following Tuesday to strain their greens.

      Northerners actually spend some of their waking hours outside of work

      I know this sounds crazy, but in the North it’s actually possible to hold down a job by putting in less than seventy hours a week. In fact there are even some workplaces that are deserted at 5 p.m. because everyone’s gone home or down the pub. I know that anyone down South who was caught suggesting such a worker’s uprising would be given a formal warning, but that’s what happens.

      Northerners can pop home after work before going out for the night

      Many northerners live so near to where they work they can go home and get ready before going out on weeknights. Imagine that, commuters in the South East. It means you don’t have to wear dull office clothes in the pub or drag huge laptop bags around. You can even have a shower and roll on some deodorant before going out. So contrary to the stereotype that we only use baths to store coal or ride down hillsides in, most northerners are actually cleaner than their sweaty southern counterparts.

      Northerners have a bit more space around them

      We don’t have to cram ourselves into trains and buses so tightly that we catch diseases off each other. We don’t have to go home to wardrobes that estate agents have sold to us as ‘luxury compact apartments’. And

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