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    100% Essex: Doing It The Essex Way
    100% Essex: Doing It The Essex Way
    100% Essex: Doing It The Essex Way
    Ebook159 pages1 hour

    100% Essex: Doing It The Essex Way

    By Wendy Roby

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    About this ebook

    There's only one Essex - and due to the phenomenal popularity of the hit reality-show The Only Way is Essex, the county has transformed from somewhere to be scoffed at to somewhere to be celebrated. 100% Essex is a hilarious book that does just that! Crammed full of bling, banter, Essex birds and blokes, it champions the Essex way of life as shown on screen, seamlessly mixing tongue-in-cheek guides with anecdotes, jokes and quotes about Essex, as well as cheeky tricks and tips on how to act 100% Essex. Includes unmissable chapters on: Love life - chat-up lines, first date etiquette, how to marry well in Essex; Looking good - the 'art' of fake tanning, beauty cheats, top-ten things you might find in an Essex girl's Louis Vuitton; How to speak in Essex - 'babe', 'shu' uuuup', 'well jell' . . . and many more! This is the must-have handbook for all fans of the show and aspiring Essex girls and boys alike.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMichael O'Mara
    Release dateJan 14, 2011
    ISBN9781843176244
    100% Essex: Doing It The Essex Way

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      Book preview

      100% Essex - Wendy Roby

      First published in Great Britain in 2010 by

      Michael O’Mara Books Limited

      9 Lion Yard

      Tremadoc Road

      London SW4 7NQ

      This electronic edition published 2011

      ISBN 978-1-84317-624-4 in ePub format

      ISBN 978-1-84317-625-1 in Mobipocket format

      ISBN 978-1-84317-614-5 in Paperback format

      Copyright © Michael O’Mara Books Limited 2011

      You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

      A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

      Designed and typeset by K DESIGN, Somerset

      Cover designed by www.envydesign.co.uk

      Cover image: Shutterstock

      Illustrations by Andrew Pinder

      www.mombooks.com

      Introduction

      In This Book

      Looking Good

      Fashion

      Essex Girls

      Essex Boys

      Love and Romance

      Essex Nightlife

      Faaamly

      Pets

      Sports and Leisure

      Careers

      Holibobs

      Acknowledgements

      Welcome to Essex, The Glamorous County. May this book be your guide to all things ‘major’ – from how to make a sausage plait to how to beautify your noo-noo, through fashion tips for girls and boys, to Essex career advice – and much more besides.

      From the world’s most covetable watches to the ultimate flash cars, warning signs for a tan too far to the must-be-seen places to hang out, every aspect of the full-thrust, full-on Essex life is explored, catalogued, celebrated and shared.

      This is Essex. We do things fabulously here.

      ‘As far as I’m concerned, anything LA can do, Basildon can do better.’

      Denise Van Outen, Essex Girl extraordinaire, speaking in The Sun

      Before we begin, a word in your ear about some aspects of this book. Dotted throughout this celebration of all things Essex, you will find the following:

      Essex Lingo

      Language in Essex has moved on quite some way from the ‘loadsamoney’ clichés of the eighties. So you need to learn the lingo if you want to pass for a truly modern Essex Girl or Boy. Always remember that famous Latin phrase …

      EPISTOLA HAITCH NON EST IN ESSEX NEC EST, AMICUS

      The Letter Haitch Does Not Exist In Essex. And Nor Should It, Mate

      … as well as this nugget of wisdom from The Only Way Is Essex’s Amy Childs. She asks an important question when she says, ‘Who done the dictionary, though? Is he from Essex?’

      So watch out for the sections that reveal the essential local lingo you really need to know – whether you’re requesting a ‘vajazzle’ or being heartlessly ‘binned’.

      Here are a few phrases to get us started:

      MAYJA – a significant or important event or thing. As in: ‘This situation is mayja. I’m going to call my nan.’

      JELL – envious. Can be used in the singular as a question, as in: ‘Jell?’ / ‘Yeah, well jell.’

      WELL JELL – an expression of extreme envy, as in: ‘I am aghast at the quality of your hair extensions, they do not look glued in at all. Well jell!’

      JELL-FULL – to be full of envy for another person or thing, to covet another person strongly.

      HUN-JED PAHCENT – an expression used when one wishes to concur with an idea or notion put forward by another. As in: ‘Shall I send him a photo of my new vajazzle?’ / ‘Yeah, hun-jed pahcent, do it.’

      Fact or Fiction?

      Guess whether these sometimes statistical, occasionally historical and potentially factual nuggets of info are truth or daringly outrageous fiction.

      For example …

      FACT OR FICTION?

      DID YOU KNOW…? If you put all the Swarovski crystals used in an average Basildon beauty parlour every week end-to-end, they would reach halfway to Saturn.

      Latin Mottos for Essex

      While Kent is ‘The Garden of England’ and Norwich calls itself ‘The Fine City’, there is – shockingly – no motto for Brentwood. Nor is there a Latin motto for Essex. Which is doubly tragic, given that Colchester was the Roman capital of Britain.

      So as you devour the thematic chapters of this book, take yourself on a cultural odyssey and discover the phrases that might well have been said in Essex in the olden days of yore. Here’s one essential motto to start us off:

      GLAMOUR, SEMPER ET IN OMNI SITU

      Glamour, At All Times And In All Situations

      ***

      Welcome to Essex.

      Looking good is the be-all and end-all in Essex – which is why this chapter has to come first. Beauty and glamour are now synonymous with the county that sits proudly to the east of the capital, and it’s not hard to see why.

      There is a supreme amount of effort involved in every aspect of an Essex Girl or Boy’s appearance, right down to the last detail. With no Swarovski crystal left unturned in pursuit of the perfect outfit or make-up job, all you need to remember is that if you’ve been thorough, you’ve been Essex.

      Beauty Rules for Essex Girls

      To look like a real Essex Girl, you need:

      • SPRAY TAN. By which I mean, the full-on fake bake, and none of this wishy-washy tinted moisturizer, ‘for pale skin’ pathetic nonsense. If people are not asking you where you’ve been on holiday every time you bump into them, you are not brown enough.

      • FAKE LASHES. Even for the shops. Even for answering the door. Eyelashes, big ones. Always. (Girls Aloud have branded some very nice ones.)

      • HAIR – absolutely massive, cartoon hair. Long is best, preferably padded out with at least twenty different

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