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    Release Your Inner Old Fart
    Release Your Inner Old Fart
    Release Your Inner Old Fart
    Ebook202 pages1 hour

    Release Your Inner Old Fart

    By Mark Leigh

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    About this ebook

    It doesn't take much to get an Old Fart complaining - whether it's about the price of electricity, reality TV, muesli, the metric system, self-checkouts or smoothies. It seems the whole world has it in for him and it's no wonder that he finds himself beginning most sentences with 'I remember when...' and ending them with, 'Those were the days.'

    Hilariously cynical and gloom-laden, this book contains diatribes, rants, anecdotes and advice for Old Farts everywhere - making life slightly more bearable in the constant struggle against the irritations of modern-day living.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMichael O'Mara
    Release dateAug 24, 2012
    ISBN9781843179948
    Release Your Inner Old Fart
    Author

    Mark Leigh

    Mark Leigh is a Surrey-based author. By day he works in a leading marketing agency and by night (and on weekends and religious holidays) he writes. So far, he has 57 humour and trivia books published, many with his co-author Mike Lepine, and has written four titles for Michael O'Mara Books.

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      Book preview

      Release Your Inner Old Fart - Mark Leigh

      THE OLD FART SELF-ASSESSMENT TEST

      Before we begin, this simple yet very scientific test will indicate if you’re a bona fide Old Fart (in fact, if you know what bona fide means, you’re probably already halfway there), or a fledgling Old Fart with potential.

      HOW MUCH OF AN OLD FART ARE YOU?

      Tick the boxes if you agree with these statements:

      RESULTS

      The number of statements you agree with determines just how much of an Old Fart you really are:

      10–12

      Congratulations! As Darth Vader might have said, ‘The Old Fart is strong in this one.’ You’re the sort of person who, when faced with two temptations, will choose the one that’ll get you home by 9.30 p.m. In fact, you’re so much of an Old Fart that you probably could have written this book – but you didn’t, I did, so just shut up and read the rest of it.

      7–9

      Not bad. There’s still a way to go before you can wear your Old Fart badge with pride. All you need to do is become a little more cantankerous, cynical and bitter. Don’t worry, like Alzheimer’s, it comes with age.

      Less than 7

      If being an Old Fart were sport you’d be playing in the minor leagues. Treat this book as your Bible. Read it religiously and learn from its wise words, teachings and parables, and in no time at all you’ll be taking a metal detector to the beach and complaining about rowdy music.

      THE OLD FART AT LEISURE

      THE OLD FART’S GUIDE TO GOOD AND BAD HOBBIES

      Old Farts have some of the most demanding, high-pressure jobs that exist; so whether you’re analysing market shares for tinned peaches, underwriting maritime insurance or de-bugging educational software, it’s vitally important that you adopt some sort of leisure activity to help you relax and de-stress after a particularly gruelling day at the coalface of capitalism. However, with so many hobbies and pastimes out there, it’s difficult to know which ones are best.

      Some hobbies can be discounted right away as they involve physical exertion and/or protective headgear – and you just know it’ll end in tears, or A & E. Others need some sort of intrinsic skill (e.g. scrimshaw), are too expensive (restoring vintage cars) or are just too weird (puppetry). I’ve researched all of them and have come to the conclusion that there are only a few select hobbies that are truly suitable for Old Farts . . .

      ASK AN OLD FART + NO. 1

      What hobbies are Old Fart-friendly?

      Good:

      •  Anything that involves collecting.

      •  Anything involving a magazine with the words ‘Puzzle’ or ‘Puzzler’ in its title.

      •  Anything that gives you the ability to legitimately call yourself a Wizard of the Seventh Realm.

      Bad:

      •  Anything that involves physical contact with a competitor.

      •  Anything that involves the words ‘free running’ . . .

      •  Or ‘mixed martial arts’ . . .

      •  Or ‘escapology’.

      •  Anything that involves a ball . . .

      •  Or wheels . . .

      •  Or getting wet . . .

      •  Or any physical exertion at all.

      THE JOY OF STAMP COLLECTING

      Although one of the world’s most popular hobbies, stamp collecting has many critics who describe the activity as absolutely pointless, mind-numbingly dull and a senseless waste of time. They actually couldn’t be further from the truth.

      Also known as philately, a Greek word meaning ‘dangerous pastime’, the hobby is fraught with excitement and jeopardy. Getting a paper cut from handling a sharp-edged perforation, accidentally poking yourself with tweezers or starting a forest fire by the careless use of a magnifying glass are all occupational hazards of the stamp collector – perils they face every single day of the year.

      Critics conveniently overlook the fact that stamp collecting is also a very glamorous hobby with enthusiasts including Vin Diesel, Jon Bon Jovi and many Formula One drivers – while tracking down a rare stamp to complete a collection has been compared to the chase, courtship and eventual winning over of a beautiful woman (although not the bit about mounting it in an album).

      FIVE REASONS WHY IT’S GREAT TO COLLECT STAMPS AS A HOBBY

      1.  It’s not as dangerous as collecting scorpions.

      2.  Unlike with paintballing, it’s very unlikely you’ll be shot in the testicles.

      3.  It’s nowhere near as expensive as motor racing.

      4.  It’s like having a miniature art gallery in your home (if you take a stamp out of your album you can experience the excitement of what it would feel like to be a daring art thief).

      5.  It’s suitable for all ages, from nine to ninety (although at ninety you probably won’t be able to identify the stamps and if you’re suffering from dementia you’ll probably eat them).

      YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN OLD FART WHEN . . .

      You find yourself developing a serious interest in hats.

      METAL DETECTING – THE SPORT OF KINGS

      Some call it a hobby but others recognize it as a sport. Either way, metal detecting or, to give it its proper, glamorous name, Treasure Hunting, is one of the most exciting and lucrative pastimes in the world and it’s so simple to take part. If you can vacuum a carpet you can detect metal and a whole day spent traversing a freshly dug, muddy field with a handheld metal detector can often result in discovering a hoard of bottle caps, horse shoes, old nails, screws and even pieces of wire.

      But it’s not just farmers’ fields that provide rich hunting grounds; beachcombing can be just as rewarding, with cans, ring pulls, lost keys and small change ending up in your treasure pouch by the time the sun goes down. To add extra excitement to the whole metal-detecting experience (not that you need to) you can also pretend you’re in the Kuwaiti desert sweeping for landmines and IEDs in Operation Desert Storm. And if that doesn’t get the adrenaline pumping, then nothing will!

      SUDOKU

      More, much more, than a mere number-placement puzzle, Sudoku is nothing but the best Old Fart leisure activity. Sure, it has its critics but Sudoku-haters underestimate the puzzle’s complexity in the mistaken belief that all you need to do is arrange numbers

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