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    Universal Dickhead
    Universal Dickhead
    Universal Dickhead
    Ebook92 pages57 minutes

    Universal Dickhead

    By Andrew Bianco

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Uni is an alien being from a planet called Universal Reality. Travelling from the Triangulam Galaxy, Uni crash lands on planet Earth In the year 4006. He gains access to the planet’s historical archives, which gives him a window into all the lives on planet Earth. Uni uncovers a startling truth about Earth and its inhabitants.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherReadOnTime BV
    Release dateJan 8, 2014
    ISBN9781921791208
    Universal Dickhead

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      Book preview

      Universal Dickhead - Andrew Bianco

      Iam sitting in an armchair at the window, watching the seven suns pierce the dim sky, filling it with a burst of colour. A ball of light materialises in my living room and diverts my attention. Mail! What could it be at this early hour?

      Identification: Uni 33. Open holographic message, I repeat the required words.

      A hologram messenger materialises. He has a large face and eyes that sparkle as the message is delivered: Uni 33, you have been formally invited to attend the Universal Ball to celebrate your universality with other Universal Beings.

      I respond in the affirmative: Download coordinates to molecular structure. Reply: Invitation accepted. Identification: Uni 33. Close Messenger.

      The messenger dematerialises in a ball of light and disappears through a wall.

      I make my way into the laboratory and take a seat in the nutritional unit. Once seated, beams of light swirl through my body. A screen displays data that seems to float in mid-air.

      Insert nutrients for interplanetary journey. Destination: Maya. Coordinates: as per Universal charts. Imprint to molecular structure. Prepare Dharma for journey.

      A series of concentrated light beams charge seven main energy points in my body.

      In the spacecraft hanger Dharma, my fully automated space cycle, fires its engines. I can hear the groan as it moves into launch position in preparation for the journey.

      I dismount from the nutritional unit, enter the lift and the doors close.

      Soon I am sitting on the space cycle in moulded body armour, feeling as though I am part of the machine. The air is full of the sweet sound of the time warp boosters.

      Dharma, Dharma…sometimes I really think you are alive, I croon to the craft.

      How flattering, Dharma replies. I am built to ride, baby, so ride me! Maya, here we come!

      Dharma accelerates, quickly passing over Universal Reality City. Once clear of the city the time warp boosters, situated at the side and rear of the craft, elongate and produce a sonic thrust and a bright flash, propelling the craft into deep space.

      I’m sitting in the space cycle and Dharma is speaking to me: Time-folding sequence engaged. Kick back and enjoy the ride … The time folder is a piece of work, turning a light year into a fleeting moment …

      Suddenly, a porcelain toilet bowl floats into my view and slams into the space cycle. We start spinning out of control. I take hold of the manual controls, screaming at the same time. Yeah, built to ride alright!

      Dharma responds defensively: This stretch of space is deemed obstacle free, as per the Universal Star Chart … Quit talking! I yell. Prepare for impact!

      Impact sequence already activated. Dharma is shutting down: all functions disabled. I’m all yours, Uni.

      We’re still hurtling out of control. I glance at the external view of the space cycle, noticing that the left side is badly damaged. Ahead, I can see a planet. The space cycle hurtles into the planet’s atmosphere, clipping the tops of trees as we continue to plummet to the ground. I hit the ground and then bounce when I hit again, scarring the planet’s surface and destroying all vegetation in my path.

      I come to a halt, partly embedded in the planet’s surface. Looking around, there are small trees and rock formations surrounding me. I open the hatch and climb from the space cycle. My space suit is damaged on the left side and wet with my life substance.

      Dharma, are you back online? I ask anxiously. It’s with relief I hear the cycle reply: Yes, I am here Uni. The damage is extensive. Rebuild sequence activated. Anything you need before I melt into the planet?

      Can’t you use the surface minerals to rebuild the damage? If you melt into the surface to rebuild, you might be gone too long. We’ll miss the Ball! By the way, what is our current location?

      Sorry Uni. The minerals needed are not readily available on the surface. This planet must have been mined at some time. Estimated time for rebuild: one Universal day. If we re-map our path, we will still make it to the Ball in time. I must shut down now Uni. I need to conserve power for rebuild sequence. Current location — Planet Earth, year 4006 … Dharma’s voice trails off as the cycle shuts down.

      I reach into the space cycle and remove a pack. Inside is a small aerosol can and I spray the damaged area of my suit. In moments the damage is repaired.

      Placing the pack on my back, I walk away from the crash site. From some distance, looking back, I can see Dharma liquefying; melting into the planet’s

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