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    You Can Be A Super Villain!
    You Can Be A Super Villain!
    You Can Be A Super Villain!
    Ebook65 pages50 minutes

    You Can Be A Super Villain!

    By Shantnu Tiwari

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Tired of living in your mother's basement? Tired of not having a girlfriend? Why not become a Super Villain? Earn the respect of peers, and the admiration of all the hot girls!

    We teach you, step by step, how easy it is to become a Super Villain:

    * Take over the world using time travelling cows and zombie chickens.

    * Capture heroes using ice cream and bananas

    * Negotiate over Twitter!

    Quote: Taking over the world is no more dangerous than driving to work everyday (in Afghanistan, while wearing a miniskirt and push-up bra, while singing "Oh America you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind").

    The book is dedicated to Pinky and the Brain. You inspired us man. Totally inspired us.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherShantnu Tiwari
    Release dateJun 23, 2013
    ISBN9781501438219
    You Can Be A Super Villain!

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      Book preview

      You Can Be A Super Villain! - Shantnu Tiwari

      Part I

      Myths

      1

      Myths

      The field of super villainy is full of lies, half-baked truths, and some truly weird stuff. But don’t worry, we are here to make your life easy. So we will burst the top five myths of being a super villain:

      1. You need to have a cat

      Being a super villain is a hard and lonely job, and it is nice to have a companion. That companion could be a cat, but it could equally be man’s best friend, a dog. Or a parrot, or a bunny, a tiger, donkey, horse, or cheetah.

      Or if you are feeling really brave, it could even be a girl. Now, I know some expert sources have said that a girlfriend is more dangerous than a cat or a tiger, but I have been assured by experts (who actually had a girlfriend) that this is not always true. I will cover this topic in more detail in a future book, From Cats to Girlfriend: How You Too Can Make the Dangerous Journey. Keep in touch for details.

      2. You have to be bald

      It helps, but you don’t have to. A bald head saves you paying you hair stylist; money that can be better used for taking over the world. But other than that, there is no advantage.

      3. You have to be a mad scientist

      All mad scientists have become bankers now, as banks pay a hell of a lot more than super villains. Mad scientists are creating crazy equations which bankers use to fuck up the economy. So I don’t know why people still believe this.

      4. You have to spend a lot of money building bases, stealing nukes, submarines; etc.

      No, you don’t! All you need to take over the world are simple things like potatoes, eggs, and ham. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. Who are you going to believe: Some trustworthy and good-looking guy like me, or a weirdo with a name like Bloefeld?

      5. Your life will be full of danger

      No! Not if you follow good health and safety training. As I will say many times, being a super villain is about being safe. Taking over the world is no more dangerous than driving to work everyday (in Afghanistan, while wearing a miniskirt and push-up bra, while singing Oh America you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind).

      Part II

      Running Your Base

      2

      Building Your Base

      Taking over the world is a slow and hard process, as you will find out. Whether it is buying 300 million potatoes or waiting for your chickens to take over the world for you, the process takes time, not to mention money. While you are planning your attack, it will be good to have a base of operations as well as an army of henchmen to deal with any pesky spies or superheroes who try to stop you.

      Base

      Okay, first things first. You need to have a secret base. Previous super villains have used volcanoes or underwater bases, but that's just stupid, isn't it? You are just waiting for a spy to blow up your base and crash into the volcano or sea.

      Think about it carefully. What does a good base need? It will need to be well planned and thought out. One that will allow you to remain hidden but allow you to attack at a moment's notice. One that is easily defended and has good security. One that will allow you to hide your henchmen and that has plenty of parking.

      There is one place that fulfils all these qualities. No, it's not a volcano or mountain top. It's a mall.

      Hear me out. You can remain hidden in a mall, having a shop as a front. Have a business that sells something like designer shoes for men only, colourful clothing for Goths, or formal wear (tie suits) for rappers. That way, no one will visit your shop. And malls have the best security. Since malls are the new temples of our generation, an attack on them is considered an attack on the country. Why hire your own guards when the mall security and police can deal with any stupid spies?

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