Fear Not
By Carter Conlon and Lamar Vest
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Fear Not - Carter Conlon
NOT
PREFACE
The nurse dropped the blood pressure cuff and ran out of the room. Apparently she feared that the young man who had just been rushed in by ambulance was in grave danger of an immediate stroke or heart attack. He clearly had a problem, but the source wasn’t physical; rather, it was spiritual and emotional. Lying there in the hospital was an otherwise healthy human being, not yet 20 years old—a victim of fear.
I recall the scene so vividly because that young man was me. This wasn’t my first visit to the emergency room; I had been there in the past for the same reason. Today we call these episodes panic attacks—the result of an interior implosion, somewhat like a computer meltdown due to overload, only striking a human body. Without warning, the walls seem to start closing in. It feels as if somebody is pouring a bucket of sand on your head while insidiously declaring the eternal hopelessness of your situation. The nonstop ringing in your ears is deafening, and it seems like your heart is going to pound right out of your chest. Surely death is right at the door!
I started having these panic attacks when I was only 15. Perhaps it was because of the high expectations I placed on myself and that others placed on me as well, all of which I felt powerless to fulfill. All I know is that without warning, fear became my constant companion. It got so bad that I would sometimes be afraid to travel too far from home or spend a night by myself, even in familiar surroundings.
The first time I collapsed in class was during my last year of high school. It was a repeat year, which only served to further my sense of hopelessness. My parents were good people who wanted only the best for me. Because they had both been denied an education, they in turn instilled in me many dreams that a war and subsequent circumstances had prevented them from attaining. I eventually embraced their idea that a university education was essential in order to be successful, without which I would be regarded as a failure. The only problem was that I had always hated school.
I ended up going to university essentially to please my mom and dad. By this time, however, fear had gained a tight grip on me. Pills and tranquilizers were part of my daily routine, and I attended most of my classes so drugged that I felt as if I were underwater. The classes I dreaded the most were the ones with only a few students, increasing the chances that I would be singled out. If I was called on, there were usually only two options: flee the room or pass out from fear.
I eventually reached the point where I was afraid of fear itself. Imagine the embarrassment of having everyone turn their attention toward you, only to have them watch as you begin to panic and sweat profusely, frantically looking around for a way to escape. I know what it’s like to feel literally trapped by fear.
In fairness, there were times when fear would seem to leave me alone. When I was in a social setting without walls, or when I was among family and friends I trusted, I often experienced periods of relief. In the midst of it all, however, I felt a nagging doubt that I would ever be truly free and that sudden bouts of fear were destined to be my lifetime companions. I grew angry about my inescapable situation and, sadly, often took it out on those closest to me.
Shortly after graduating from university in 1975, I became a member of a city police department. By this time, I had found one way to essentially control the fear: keep my body in a state of semi-exhaustion. I would work out daily at a local gym in addition to running a couple of miles most nights. I wasn’t completely free of fear, but at least it seemed to be more manageable. Unfortunately, I also began to drink quite heavily, to the point where several of my friends grew rather concerned. You see, fear never really lets you go. It just drives you into deeper practices while giving the illusion that your own efforts are finally conquering it.
It was in early 1978 that I began to think about God. I didn’t really know why these thoughts suddenly began to arise in my mind, for I hadn’t been a person with much concern for spiritual things up to this point. (I later learned that God had actually put it on the hearts of three Charismatic Catholic ladies to pray for me—a young police officer whom they barely knew! They later recounted how the Lord had told them that He was going to use my life in a significant way for His purposes.) One day I even found myself talking to God, saying something along the lines of, God, if You are out there and not just part of some unreachable religious thing that people do, I wouldn’t mind knowing who You are.
Not much of a prayer, but I now know that God heard it.
Through a series of events, a Christian police officer began to share his faith with me, and for the first time in my life, I heard that God had sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on a cross to pay the penalty for all the wrong I had done. Among the many things he shared was the promise written in the New Testament: If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new
(2 Cor. 5:17). How incredible this promise seemed! Not only could I have eternal life in heaven with God but also a new life while still here on this earth! It seemed too good to be true.
Inspired to try reading the Bible for myself, I began in the Gospel of John, asking Jesus to help me understand it. When I had finished, I found myself confronted with a decision: If Jesus offered eternal and abundant life, and if He was the only way to salvation, then He required a full surrender of my life to Him. I came to the conclusion that it was all or nothing.
On May 12, 1978, I pulled my car over to the side of the road and said a simple prayer that went something like this: Jesus, if what my friend has told me is true, then I invite You into my life and ask You to be my Lord and Savior.
I then went to work my shift as usual with no seeming change that night.
It was the next morning that I knew something had happened. When I awoke, I literally felt different. Something inside of me had changed.
I began to avidly read the Bible with an inner assurance that this was the Word of God and that it could be trusted. Each scriptural promise was like a cup of cool water to a starving and thirsty man. Truth began to penetrate my heart so deeply that tears would often flow freely while I