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    Bringing Out the Best in Your Husband: Encourage Your Spouse and Experience the Relationship You've Always Wanted
    Bringing Out the Best in Your Husband: Encourage Your Spouse and Experience the Relationship You've Always Wanted
    Bringing Out the Best in Your Husband: Encourage Your Spouse and Experience the Relationship You've Always Wanted
    Ebook215 pages4 hours

    Bringing Out the Best in Your Husband: Encourage Your Spouse and Experience the Relationship You've Always Wanted

    By H. Norman Wright

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    Bookstore shelves are full of titles that tell women how to get what they want out of their man. But affectionate, long-lasting relationships thrive when the tables are turned--when each spouse focuses on giving, not getting. Bringing Out the Best in Your Husband delivers biblical and practical proven ways to encourage the man in every reader's life. This new book from bestselling author H. Norman Wright is packed with stories from wives struggling to understand their husbands' needs and desires; every woman will see herself and her marriage reflected in these deeply personal accounts. Readers will also hear the other side of the story: Men share the ups and downs of their marriage experiences and reveal the secret longings of their hearts. Every principle is presented with a true-to-life story so that wives can see the effects of encouragement, prayer, romance, and inspiration on marriages just like theirs. Based on his experience counseling thousands of couples over more than 40 years, Dr. Wright shows how great an impact spouses have on one another and how to turn that impact into a loving, joy-filled marriage that stands the test of time.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBaker Publishing Group
    Release dateMar 8, 2012
    ISBN9781441267641
    Bringing Out the Best in Your Husband: Encourage Your Spouse and Experience the Relationship You've Always Wanted
    Author

    H. Norman Wright

    H. Norman Wright is a well-respected Christian counselor who has helped thousands of people improve their relationships and deal with grief, tragedy, and more. A licensed marriage, family, and child therapist and certified trauma specialist, he has taught at Biola University and the Talbot School of Theology, given seminars, developed curriculum, and worked as a private practitioner. The author of more than ninety books, he resides in Bakersfield, California.

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      Bringing Out the Best in Your Husband - H. Norman Wright

      Endnotes

      Thank you for believing in me. These are the words that say it all—words that make all the difference in a man’s life! Whenever a husband responds in this way, his wife is fulfilling her calling.

      When singer Kenny Rogers sang lyrics with the message, She believes in me . . . yes, she believes in me, he gave credit where credit is due—to a wife who sought to bring out the best in her man.

      When is the last time the man in your life turned to you and said, Thank you for believing in me or Thank you for bringing out the best in me or It’s your encouragement that makes my life different? If you haven’t heard similar words lately, read what these husbands say about how their wives bring out the best in them:

      My wife encourages me by making herself available to help me with details I miss when I am under pressure because of my urgent projects. She makes sure that her schedule allows her to be a part of my life. I am able to trust her in everything. She is committed to building up our marriage. She shows a genuine interest in what is important in my life, even if it isn’t an interest of hers. What I desire from her is encouragement, and she’s doing it.

      She calls me several times a week at work to see how I am doing and to tell me that she has faith in me. That is so helpful, especially if I am struggling that day. She also calls to share her trials to give me a chance to encourage her. This in turn encourages me, because it makes me feel like she really cares about what I have to say. That makes me feel like she needs me. She’s helped me become who I am today.

      She understands my physical pain, supports me with her energy and does what she can to take over some of the things I do to make life easier for me. She supports decisions I’ve made and helps in implementing and carrying out the course of action we’ve chosen. She’s there to talk to and voice her opinion. We can talk about most things in an analytical way.

      My wife has been doing at least three things that I can think of to help me grow. Every time I do something that according to her was done very well, she speaks positive remarks regarding these things. For instance, when I preach, she tells me how well she thinks I presented the message. When I’ve not done well, she makes me remember that I can do it well. She helps me not to be discouraged by telling me she is sure that I will do better next time. To help celebrate my successes, she initiates a great night of lovemaking. That’s a wonderful experience.

      My wife encourages me by wanting to spend time with me and going places I like to go (art shows, ball games, movies, and so on). She stays busy on her own, doing something almost all the time (chores, time with kids). That’s nice because I stay busy with other things or help with some of the same, and so the house runs smoothly without either of us being upset or critical of the other. She meets all my desires and needs in intimate ways. It’s satisfying and something I look forward to. We talk 15 minutes to an hour every evening, and she has both a listening ear and affirming responses, as well as an open and honest way about her. She is complimentary, faithful, loyal, dependable and committed to making the marriage and family work. And our relationship is not a competition.

      I’ve not always heard positive responses when I’ve asked men how their wives bring out the best in them. Some men lament a lack of encouragement from their wives:

      At the present time, my wife doesn’t do much in the way of encouragement. I don’t know if she doesn’t want to or maybe I am not letting her. We have each other, we are both newly saved, we do talk about the Bible, and that is encouraging. I guess I would like to hear her say she loves me. She only says it if I do. So I say it a lot more. When I have a bad day, I would like to relax. I just want to be supported in some of my dreams. She is the best part of my life. I just want to learn how to encourage her better too.

      My wife does not encourage me with words. I am verbal and I do need that. I wish she would come and welcome me after I walk through the door at the end of the day.

      I wish she would say she is proud of me and that I do a good job. I wish she would truly grant me forgiveness when I confess a wrong to her and ask for it. A hug or an unexpected kiss on the cheek from her would encourage me greatly. I have been frustrated with her words and actions in the past, and we cannot seem to overcome that. I have never been unfaithful, but I might as well have had an affair. We have been counseled. The advice has been to give it time; let her see God changing me; love her as Christ loved the church. I am trying to do that. I have come to the conclusion that I can do anything for her. I hope the Lord changes her heart this year.

      There is no present encouragement. None! Her occasional praise for acceptably performed manual tasks is no encouragement whatsoever. I would be thrilled if she would simply acknowledge the legitimacy of my career and stop discouraging me from pursuing it. I would probably pass out from joy if she would go a step further and offer to seek ways in which I can pursue my calling with less impact on our family life.

      Your husband’s need for encouragement is a real need, and he desires to receive it from you. To a great extent, encouragement is the way to bring out the best in your husband. In a sense, it’s like being his cheerleader.

      ENCOURAGEMENT DEFINED

      Through encouragement, every woman is given a power that can bring about change, growth and the fulfillment of potential in her husband. But it’s difficult to be an encourager if you don’t understand what encouragement really means.

      To be an encourager, you need to have an attitude of optimism. The American Heritage Dictionary offers one of the better definitions of the word optimist. It’s a tendency or disposition to expect the best possible outcome, or to dwell on the most hopeful aspect of a situation. When this is your attitude or perspective, you’ll be able to encourage others. Encouragement is to inspire; to continue on a chosen course; to impart courage or confidence.

      Encouragement is sometimes thought of as praise and reinforcement, but it’s also much more than that. Praise is limited; it’s a verbal reward. It emphasizes competition, it has to be earned, and it is often given for being the best. Encouragement, however, is freely given. It can involve noticing what others take for granted and affirming something that others notice but may never think of mentioning. Bruce Larson shared this experience:

      Early one morning, I had to catch a plane from Newark, New Jersey, to Syracuse, New York, having returned late the previous night from leading one conference and on my way to another.

      I was tired. I had not budgeted my time wisely, and I was totally unprepared for the intense schedule before me. After rising early and hastily eating breakfast, I drove to the airport in a mood that was anything but positive. By the time the plane took off, I felt so sorry for myself.

      Sitting on the plane with an open notebook in my lap, I prayed, O God, help me. Let me get something down here that will be useful to your people in Syracuse.

      Nothing came. I jotted down phrases at random, feeling worse by the moment, and more and more guilty. Such a situation is a form of a temporary insanity. It denies all that we know about God Himself and His ability to redeem any situation.

      About halfway through the brief flight, a stewardess came down the aisle, passing out coffee. All the passengers were men, as women have too much sense to fly at seven o’clock in the morning. As the stewardess approached my seat, I heard her exclaim, Hey! Someone is wearing English Leather aftershave lotion. I can’t resist a man who wears English Leather. Who is it?

      Eagerly I waved my hand and announced, It’s me.

      The stewardess immediately came over and sniffed my cheek, while I sat basking in this sudden attention and appreciating the covetous glances from passengers nearby.

      All through the remainder of the flight the stewardess and I maintained a cheerful banter each time she passed my seat. She would make some comment, and I would respond gaily. Twenty-five minutes later, when the plane prepared to land, I realized that my temporary insanity had vanished. Despite the fact that I had failed in every way—in budgeting my time, in preparation, in attitude—everything had changed. I was freshly aware that I loved God and that He loved me in spite of my failure.

      What is more, I loved myself, the people around me and the people who were waiting for me in Syracuse. I was like the Gadarene demoniac after Jesus touched him: clothed in my right mind and seated at the feet of Jesus. I looked down at the notebook in my lap and found a page full of ideas that could prove useful throughout the weekend.

      God, I mused, how did this happen? It was then that I realized that someone had entered my life and turned a key. It was just a small key, turned by a very unlikely person. But that simple act of affirmation, that undeserved and unexpected attention, had got me back into the stream.¹

      Encouragement is recognizing your husband as having worth and dignity even though he’s imperfect. It means paying attention to him when he’s sharing with you. It means listening to him in a way that lets him know he’s being listened to. When a husband feels encouraged, he does his best.

      THE ART OF LISTENING

      The road to a person’s heart is through the ear. Men and women today have few people who really listen to them. When someone else is talking, most of us are often more concerned about what we are going to say when the other person stops talking. This is a violation of Scripture. James tells us—men and women alike—to be quick to listen (Jas. 1:19). Proverbs 18:13 states, He who answers a matter before he hears [the facts], it is folly and shame to him (NASB).

      While many of us have outgoing circuits, our incoming circuits are clogged. When one man was asked what his wife could do to bring out the best in him, he said, Listen—listen without being judgmental or biased. Listen and be accepting. Listen just to understand me. Listen to me instead of criticizing me.

      This requires listening not only with your ears but also with your eyes. My profoundly retarded son, Matthew, only had a few words in his vocabulary. My wife, Joyce, and I weren’t sure if there was any meaning to those words. So we learned to listen to what he could not say by watching what he did and how he moved and for flickering eye movements that indicated the onset of a seizure. Matthew taught me to listen in a new way that helped me better minister to the people I counsel.

      Not only do most of us need to learn how to listen to others, but we also need to keep in mind that how we listen needs to be tailored to the person speaking. Men and women have different listening styles, so it helps to understand what those differences are. Women tend to give more response and feedback while they are listening. These responses aren’t necessarily agreement; they usually mean, I’m with you or I understand or I’m connecting with you. Men, however, not only say less when they listen, but their feedback usually means, I agree with you. Have you run into this difference in the way men and women give feedback when they listen? Most women have. They learn that when they are listening to a man, he may not need as much feedback from them as a woman would. When they listen quietly to a man, he may respond with words like, Thanks for really listening to me. It helps me keep my mind on track when I’m not interrupted.

      Poor listening skills have an impact on husbands more than many wives realize. One of the greatest longings of any person is to be listened to. Therefore, the gift of being a good listener is one of the most healing gifts we can give another person. For a man, what takes away from that gift of listening is when a woman gives unsolicited advice or thinks about what she is going to say while he is talking, and then interrupts or finishes his sentences for him. Other actions that take away from the gift of listening are squelching feelings with reassurances or taking the conversation off on a tangent, away from what he has said.

      True encouragement combines the art of listening with validation that what your husband is doing or saying makes sense. It’s letting him know, You matter to me. When you encourage your husband, you respect him as well. You rephrase negatives to positives by discovering the constructive elements in situations, such as identifying his strengths and focusing on his efforts and contributions.²

      This means that you find something of value to recognize when everybody else has despaired! Encouragement builds up your husband. It focuses on any resource that can be turned into an asset or strength.

      Encouragement also means that you expect the best out of him. Consider what happened to this young man because his high school principal expected something more from him:

      I remember vividly the day we had a school assembly. Three buddies and I went out behind the school auditorium. We all lit up. We knew we were safe: everyone else was in the assembly. And then, who should come around the corner but the principal. We were caught red-handed. My friends took off in three directions and left me just standing there. The principal collared me and dragged me down the hall in front of the auditorium just as the assembly was letting out. I thought I was going to die. Hundreds of kids saw me in this humiliating situation.

      He took me into his office and chewed me out royally. It felt as if it lasted forever. Maybe it was only ten or fifteen minutes. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. From that time on, I hated this guy. I waited for him to nail my buddies, but he never did. He knew who they were, but he did nothing. One day I saw him in the hall, and I asked why he hadn’t gone after them. It wasn’t fair that I was singled out.

      Instead of giving me an answer there, he grabbed me by the collar and dragged me back into his office. He sat me down, but the chewing out didn’t even last a minute this time. I’ll never forget what he said. I wish your friends the best. I don’t know what’s going to happen to them, but you could be somebody. I expect more of you than this. You’re coasting through life. When are you going to do something with what you’ve got? He turned around and walked out. I felt like I had been slapped across the face. He was right; I was coasting. And there is only one direction you can

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