Heroes at Home: Help and Hope for America's Military Families

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Introduction to the Third Edition

When I wrote the first edition of this book, ten years ago, my husband was an active duty Stealth F-117 fighter pilot, on call to make the first run into downtown Baghdad. Times were uncertain in our household, to say the least. Our seven kids ranged in age from six to twenty, and five were living at home, filling our home to overflowing. I had five of these by birth, two by marriage, and all by love. Fast-forward to this third edition, a decade later, and there’s only one Kay kid left at home. All the other children are either college graduates or on their way to their degree. Two of those are currently serving in our nation’s military with the last one on his way.

The first edition of Heroes at Home was met with great enthusiasm by the military community as well as those who love the military. Almost a quarter million people have read this book (the average copy of a book is read 2.2 times), and we’ve been able to reach some 9 million with the Heroes at Home message via live events, television, and radio. It just goes to show that America loves you: the military member and the military family.

I love you too.

I’ve been so honored to meet many of you face-to-face. I’ve been at some events where you bring me copies of my book that look like they’ve been through the washer—their coffee-stained pages a testament to the devotion of the owner. I love signing those kinds of copies of Heroes at Home because they remind me of the Velveteen Rabbit—loved and worn. The book comes to life when it is read over and over and helps the owner weather the storms of military life. It’s like we’ve been having coffee together for years, and that’s something that’s highly valuable to me. Next time, you bring the chocolate.

Whether I’m coming to your base in order to help the community with an ops tempo issue, or I’m just a keynote speaker for spouse appreciation day, I get to see you. Meeting you is a special treat for me. When we hug as strangers-who-are-close-friends, we share in the military community and legacy that has made our military strong and our nation great. I’ll take the face of a young wife in my hands, tears in our eyes, and communicate the truth that what she does has value, worth, and great reward—no matter what it may feel like in the heat of battle. It truly is worth it.

When I get to speak directly to the troops before they go downrange, or immediately after a deployment, it’s such a privilege to remind them that they are heroes when they put integrity first, service before self, and excellence in all they do. Sometimes it just takes a mama of seven to speak a good word in due season and remind all of us that it really is worth it. When I travel to your posts and bases, your commanders usually roll out the red carpet, even though that’s not what I ask for. They give me coveted unit coins, plaques, and even an occasional adventure—like a ride in an F-15E Strike Eagle. While these acts of kindness and gratitude are very much appreciated, I think that YOU are the ones who deserve these honors, not me. YOU are the ones who put up with the separations, the fear, the life-and-death situations, the short notice moves, and the chaotic schedules because YOU are a patriot of epic proportions.

The generations of Americans who have committed to serve for the last decade have been a volunteer force signing up during a time of war. That makes you and your family very special from day one. Only 1 percent of the American population has the honor and responsibility of protecting the rights and freedoms of the other 99 percent of us.

And we thank you.

We also thank your families.

This book was originally written for all American patriots—military or civilian. The military family has read this and learned how to do things a little better or smarter, while civilians have learned what it’s like to live the unique and often challenging lifestyle of an American military family. My hope is that it has helped all of us learn how to be better patriots by not only supporting those who serve our country but also by learning how to better understand and support their families.

Over 2.3 million Americans are serving in our nation’s active and reserve components—the Air Force, Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard. There are a number of heroes among them, and the most highly decorated individuals will invariably attribute their heroics to a team effort: the humble assertion that there are other people who stand behind the strength, courage, and daring of these individuals. These military men and women deserve their medals, but behind every hero is a unit, a team, or a family—their support consists of people both on and off the battlefield. Without this support, they couldn’t be as focused and on top of their game as they need to be. When they can concentrate on their mission, there are fewer accidents. With fewer accidents, there is less loss of life.

Of all the million military members, nearly 60 percent are married with families, and it was to that select group of Americans that this book was originally dedicated. But in the last decade, another critical group has emerged—the parents who send their babies into the military. Of which I am now a member. So I dedicate this updated edition to all military families. Their collective stories are hidden, oftentimes unknown to anyone outside their four walls. Some of these spouses have married into the military not fully knowing what they were getting into. I have found that military family members tend to quickly develop four characteristics in order to survive above and beyond the call of duty: (1) a keen sense of humor, (2) a sense of adventure, (3) the ability to develop courage in a variety of challenges, and (4) a strong sense of family.

Humor is at the top of the list: A graduating senior tipped his cap to reveal a taped-on message: Semper Fi (the Marine motto meaning Always Faithful). They have to look at life in a lighthearted way in order to cope with the heavy stress that accompanies this incredible lifestyle. Many learn to laugh at themselves and with others, and in the process they find a way to rise above the circumstances that surround them.

Military families are also adventurous. They may have to pack up their entire foldaway home into eight huge crates and move it to another country, where they don’t know the language or the culture—and then do it again in six months.

Courage also describes the military family. The new bride of three months, who sends her twenty-year-old husband into an unknown venture, while she lives out the separation far from family, learns to be pretty gutsy by the time she celebrates her first anniversary. Faith often undergirds the courage needed to tenderly kiss your spouse good-bye, not knowing when you will see him again or if you will see him again.

Because they are likely far from extended family, the military family’s appreciation for their immediate family is naturally heightened. Often siblings are the built-in playmates that provide continuity amid numerous moves. Absence from the military member also tends to make the heart grow fonder (not to mention the cool gifts Mom or Dad bring back from other countries). The real challenge is to learn to say, Hi, Mom (or Dad)! I’m glad you’re back home! before yelling, What did you bring me?

Humor, adventure, courage, and family—these could very well describe the hero in a blockbuster summer action film! In many ways these families are heroes. They don’t get the Navy Cross or the Bronze Star, but they deserve a medal—it could be called the Hidden Heroes award: They’re heroes at home.

When military members know that their spouse can hold things together at home, and when they have confidence that their spouse believes in what they do for a living, they are better able to concentrate on their duties. Sometimes that concentration is the difference between life and death.

When Americans support those who support our troops, they play a key role in our nation’s defense. This book was designed to educate Americans about military families, because while these families are unique, they are common in their need for affirmation, encouragement, and helping hands. This has also been a guidebook for ways military families can do things more efficiently and effectively.

Every family member is impacted when Mom or Dad, son or daughter, takes the pledge to defend our country and risk his or her life to do so. A three-month-old baby sacrifices when that parent is called away, elementary-aged children pay a price for freedom as they adjust to talking to Mommy or Daddy online or through an AVC hookup. Teenagers, at a time when they need their parents most, also miss a deployed parent (although many would rather eat strained spinach than admit it). The spouse left at home sacrifices by putting on the single-parent hat along with the many other hats he or she already wears. The parent of a military member also has to say good-bye to the one they would die for if given the chance—but instead, their child is willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice for their parents’ freedom. This book is a tribute to everyone who has loved someone in the service and supported that one in whatever way they could. You are the hero. You may be hidden, but it doesn’t diminish the effect of your contribution. When I meet you one day, as I hope I will, I look forward to giving you a hug and telling you: America loves you; we are so proud of you; and together, we will be all right.

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Hidden Heroes

The Top Ten Qualities of a Hidden Hero

During the final days of the Gulf War, I took our three-year-old son, Daniel; his two-year-old brother, Philip; and our infant daughter, Bethany, to watch their father launch his F-4 Phantom II. He was going to the Middle East. His mission: to fight for our nation’s freedom.

When will de Papa be back home, Mama? asked Daniel as he waved his chubby hand at the roaring jet.

Soon, I said, as I fought back tears and kissed my baby daughter on her fuzzy blond head. We are praying he will come home soon.

Philip was excited; he loved watching airplanes: I wuv you, Papa! he shouted as he jumped up and down. Then all of a sudden he turned to me, furrowed his brow, and said very seriously, You know, I weally wuv de Papa. Then he turned to wave at the small speck in the sky as his dad flew off to his mission.

Later that week, Mrs. Phillips, Daniel’s Sunday school teacher, told me that Daniel had a special prayer request. She said he asked, Please pway for all de air farce guys dat fly to betect our fweedoms. Then he paused and added, And please pway for dem Army guys dat do de same thing—but dey fly and fwight on dem helicopters. Oh, and pray for de Army gulls, too!

★★★★★★★

Daniel didn’t quite understand what his father did for a living when he was that young child, but he understood a decade later, after 9/11 and the situation in the Middle East. As a military family with seven children, we have long held a keen appreciation for what it takes to keep this nation free. We lived through three wars and knew that my husband would be called upon repeatedly to fly and fight in order to protect our nation’s freedoms. The kids and I were the veterans on the home front.

Some have called military families the hidden heroes at home, but most would not accept such a distinction. After all, we don’t wear the uniform, we haven’t sworn to offer our life’s blood to defend our nation, and we don’t eat MRE rations in some faraway place. We merely support those who do.

Since Bob knew that when he returned from his mission he would have a loving family waiting for him, he was better equipped to perform at the height of his capabilities. When he believed that his family would have people in the community who would assist us through the uncertain weeks and months ahead, he rested a little better when he contemplated the stars in a darkened sky half a world away. And in many ways, these families, as well as their communities, have contributed to our national defense, as have all the supportive families of other airmen, sailors, and soldiers.

★★★★★★★

I have always disliked the distinction of the little woman, who stays at home, wringing her hands, waiting for her husband to come back. Military spouses (men and women) tend to be proactive, courageous, and every now and then a little goofy (in a patriotic kind of way). There are plenty of things we can do ahead of time to prepare effectively for those long and short separations. While we can’t be sure the kids won’t get sick or the washer won’t break down, we can do some preventative maintenance in order to help things run smoothly while our heart anxiously awaits the return of our loved one.

There are some basic things military families can do to be more prepared for the various aspects this lifestyle presents. While some of the things listed here seem pretty basic, others, such as relationship issues, are not as evident. And yet these other aspects of our lives have a great impact on how we are able to cope with the moves, the separations, and the financial constraints. Later in the book there will be dozens of specific helps for the areas we’re discussing in this chapter. But for now, here’s a general overview of your adventure as a military family.

Network of Military Support

Plug in to your unit’s individual family readiness or support group, if not actively, then at least in a casual way. You don’t have to head a fund-raiser committee or be the driving force in this group, but it’s critically important that you plug in and maybe attend a few coffees or activities. You will need this group when your spouse deploys—for information disbursement as well as support. The time to plug in is before you need it.

Network of Non-Military Support

When families live on base/post, their children might attend the base school and participate in youth sports on base, and they might go to the base chapel. They can easily become base cadets. We need to broaden our scope of influence and our children’s through developing relationships with non-military friends. We need a break from military-speak, and these friends can provide that bit of touch with reality. Consider joining groups off base/post or go to a civilian church or synagogue to make sure you have friends who will keep you balanced.

Legal Limitations

If your spouse is going to deploy (it could be for a month that turns into a year), you will need to check with your installation’s legal department and get your wills in order and a power of attorney. Make sure that your name is on your checking and savings accounts and that your name is also on the title to your vehicles and your home. Be sure you have all the log-in information and passwords to your mutual accounts. These simple precautions can save you major financial and legal problems.

Budget Binges

If you don’t have a budget, look at one of the chapters under the Celebrating a Balanced Budget section of this book to see how you can get one set up for your family, and then get on a budget right away! For an online budget tool, go to www.elliekay.com. Be sure you know about the finances in your home and that you have the power of attorney to handle all the financial decisions that could arise when your spouse is deployed. You might also want to budget for Fun Funds to be used when your spouse deploys. This would cover those binges such as extra eating out, going to the movies or a theme park, or even buying a new outfit. If these are funded, they won’t be a liability to your budget. Later in the book, I’ll give loads of fun, easy ways to stretch these funds—for even more fun!

Learn It, Don’t Burn It!

I’ve heard of more than one person who burned up a car engine because they didn’t change the oil! During sustained deployments, your local Family Support Center equivalent (i.e., Army Community Services, Military Fleet and Family Support Center, Marine Corps Community Services Center, Airman and Family Readiness Center) often has programs to help you maintain your vehicle. In the meantime, learn the basics of car maintenance (or where and when to take it to have this service done) and home maintenance. You are quite capable of simple home repairs if you decide you’re going to learn how to do it. The key is to learn to be flexible.

For example, when we were stationed in northern New York, I took a snowblower class in early September. Later in the month Bob went TDY to Florida, and we had our first snowstorm—but I was prepared. I simply took our handy-dandy John Deere snowblower and cleared our driveway. Then my neighbor Joy (from Korea) asked me to clear hers—so I did. By the time I was finished with her driveway, Elke (from Germany), my neighbor across the street, was yelling over the wind, asking me to do her driveway. I was not only helping my neighbors but improving international relations as well! By the time I finally shook the snow off my boots and went inside in time to get the kids ready for school, my husband’s operations officer called and asked in an I’ll help the little woman out way: Would you like me to come over and snowblow your driveway?

I squared my shoulders, smiled, and held the phone firmly in my hand as I replied, No, thanks, I’ve already cleared our driveway—and two more! LOL!

It’s pretty cool to be equipped to blow your own snow (or do other routine maintenance chores). But you have to prepare before the storms come.

Scheduled Play

Have a plan for some rest and relaxation before your spouse deploys. Interview baby-sitters, find a reliable friend you can swap kids with, look over the course schedules offered by the local community college or civic center, join a choir or even a yoga class. Check with your military installation for free child-care events. But it’s critically important to have scheduled play times for YOU while your spouse is away. If it’s not immoral or illegal, build it into your schedule. This will keep you from frantically scrambling at the last minute when you’re at your wit’s end, looking for someone to watch the kids or trying to find a break that is yours alone to enjoy.

Mend Fences

If you or your spouse has unfinished business with each other or with extended family members, home time is THE time to get these issues worked out. It may be hard and may even require the assistance of a counselor or base/post chaplain, but it is vitally important that you make every effort to mend these fences. Many military installations now have a Military Family Life Consultant program (MFLC), or an equivalent, in your branch of service. This is a counseling program that supports military members and their families in overcoming post-deployment, family separation, stress management, grief and loss, parenting, and work/life issues. The pre-deployment as well as the reunion and reintegration period after an extended deployment are critical times for military members and their families. These counselors are experienced in family matters, relationships, raising children, substance abuse, good-byes, and homecomings. Services offered include workshops, group discussions, personal consultations, activities, and organization tips.

If you’ve at least tried, you can have a clear conscience that you have done your part. I had one of these counselors tell me, You are 100 percent responsible for your 50 percent of the marital relationship. I put that into practice in my marriage and found that it really helped. Encourage your spouse to also mend fences with his/her extended family members, such as parents and siblings.

Don’t Burn Your Bridges

Remember the classic saying What goes around comes around? Well, it’s true! Bob found himself to be outranked by guys that he once trained (i.e., harassed) as a sophomore at the Air Force Academy. Boy, did HE ever regret acting like a jerk back then! I am happy to say he outgrew that immaturity a very long time ago. Conversely, one of the cadets that used to work for Bob, and who had a few run-ins with him over parking tickets, found himself face-to-face with his old AOC (Air Officer Commanding) when the young pilot graduated from pilot training and went to fighter lead-in school. As a matter of fact, this pilot was in centrifuge training, out of state, when his young wife went into labor three weeks early! They had no one else to call to coach her in childbirth, so they asked me to go to the hospital. The pilot made it back just after his son’s birth, and was he surprised to see who helped deliver the baby!

The truth is no matter what walk of life you’re in, you never know when the tables might be turned; a past acquaintance may be in a position to either help you or hurt you. So it’s a good idea when you run into sandpaper people (who rub you the wrong way) to just walk away—don’t get even. You might end up living near them at some point, or worse, your son might marry their daughter!

The Top Ten Qualities of a Hidden Hero

Sense of Humor. The ability to laugh at oneself and with each other

Flexibility. What it’s called when you create an elaborate candlelight dinner, farm out the kids for the night, and your husband calls to say he’s not coming home because they have an inspection coming up

Courageous. The ability to wave good-bye for the 200th time, fight back the tears, smile, and say, I love you, I’m proud of you, and I’ll be all right.

Extraordinary. The ability to move 15,000 pounds of household goods in twenty-four hours

Strong. Nerves of steel (for all those close calls and near misses)

Patriotic. Unashamed to shed a tear during the presentation of the colors or the singing of the national anthem

Faith-Full. Brimming over with faith in God and true to your country

Independent. Confident during solo parenting gigs, but ready to move to interdependence when the spouse comes back home

Acronym Reader. The ability to decode three-letter acronyms (TDY, PCS, UOD, MRE, OIC, SOF, BDU, SOL)

Superhero. The capability to conquer new lands, stay in touch with old friends, keep the home fires burning, jump buildings in a single bound, and stay out of the funny farm

✩2✩

Angels Among Us

Practical Ways to Help Military Families

Got your backpacks?" I shouted above the clamor of five children in the car as they prepared to go to school.

Yes!

Lunches?

Yes!

Homework?

Yes! and Um . . .

"Um? Did I hear an ‘um’? As Drill Sergeant Mom, I glared at my seventh-grade boy and said calmly, Go get it!"

He scrambled out of the car while the others fought over who got to talk to Dad first when he called later that night from his deployment to Red Flag. And I quietly wondered how "roughing it in Las