Surviving Love

Dedication

Monsters are Real

Chapter 1

Chased by a Monster

Chapter 2

Caught by a Monster

Chapter 3

Punished by a Monster

Chapter 4

Hide and Fear Me

Chapter5

The Monster Strikes

Chapter 6

Rescued by an Angel

Chapter 7

Dare to Dream...Happy?

Chapter 8

Bring Him Home!

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

For a boy I will never forget.

You fell asleep never to wake again,

I am honoured to have known you,

and blessed with you radiant smile.

Rest in peace.

xxx

I could hear them inching closer. I held my breath, tightening my arms around my body as I curled into a tiny ball.

I know the little fucker is around here somewhere.

Come on, Ry, just forget about him. He’s just a little kid, Kyle whined.

He knows not to touch my shit, how many times have I beat his ass for touching my stuff? Ryan’s voice boomed; I heard tree branches snapping under his giant body.

I’m outta here. Vicky is waiting on me, and finding a stupid little kid ain’t worth missing out on what she’s got.

More rustling—Kyle must have walked away but I knew Ryan was still out there waiting. His giant ham hand ready to pummel me again.

I will get you, you little fucker. You hear me? By making me wait, your punishment will be worse. His thunderous voice echoed among the trees. You better stay fucking hidden.

Foliage rustled and branches snapped as Ryan left me alone. I still didn’t move just in case he was tricking me again. Last time he tricked me into thinking he had gone back to the house. Instead he had waited for me, sitting beside my hiding place as silent as a ghost. When I crawled out, he grabbed me and hit me with a big stick, then stomped on me until he broke my arm. He told Grandma Violet I had fallen running about near the water, and I was afraid to tell her the truth. I remember Grandma saying I should go straight to the basement without any supper but Ryan insisted I go to the emergency room.

This time I stayed in my hiding place; it was cold and dark but I didn’t care. The water hitting my toes soaked through my sneakers, wetting my socks, but I still refused to move.

He’s gone. I heard a gentle voice call out; it was loud enough for me to hear, but still a hoarse whisper. Chase, he’s— I heard scraping and snapping before quieter footsteps came toward me. I knew they weren’t the giant’s footsteps but I still stayed hidden. A soft tap on the wood above my head startled me; I clung tighter to my knees.

Chase, Jace whispered. He’s gone, I saw him get into Kyle’s truck. I promise. Come out, I have something for you.

Jace is my daddy’s little brother; when my momma died and Dad was taken away by the police, a lady put me in her car and drove me here to this big house. She said my grandparents and their sons lived here—Ryan, Kyle, the twins Tate and Gray, along with my only friend Jace. I hadn’t met them before, and Grandpa had the same name as Daddy and me. We were all Chase Dermont.

I liked Jace, he wasn’t mean like everyone else. We were in the same grade at school. I wasn’t allowed to go to his school though; I went to one a few towns away from Grandma Violet’s house instead. I crawled on my hands and knees through the dirt, out into the bright sunshine. It hurt my eyes at first because my hiding place was so dark.

Here. He held out a candy bar. You didn’t get a treat after lunch.

I wasn’t allowed one for spilling soup on my sweater. I stared down at the faint mark on my sleeve. I had tried to get it off as quick as possible without grandma noticing but she always caught me anytime I messed up.

I broke the candy in half and gave some to Jace. He took it and smiled. We sat down on the muddy leaves of the river bank.

I hid up there. He pointed to a tall tree. I can see home from there so I know when my brothers are coming.

It looks scary. I can’t climb trees, I added sadly. It looked like a great place to hide, but Ryan was probably as tall as a tree he was so huge.

Ryan said I have to hit you, Jace muttered quietly.

Why?

Because he said it will teach me how to be a man. Daddy says men don’t cry, they don’t feel pain and they never show weakness, so Ryan said he will teach me to fight. He sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. Grandma Violet hated it when I did that. I don’t want to be a man, Chase, not if I have to hit you. I like that you came to live with us. He sniffled again. I told Ryan I was your friend and I didn’t want to hit you. But he said we can’t be friends with you because your momma is a whore and you made her die and my big brother wouldn’t be in prison if it wasn’t for you. What did you do? Why did you put him in prison?"He hit my momma until she didn’t wake up no more. I asked the police officer to wake her up but he said she’d gone. I don’t know where she went. I keep waiting for her to come back but she hasn’t yet. Grandma Violet said I’m a silly boy and that Momma is dead, I know that, but when people in cartoons die they come back. So why is Momma not coming back? I leaned across and whispered. Do you think it’s because I’ve been bad?"

Jace shook his head. When our dog died, Daddy put him in a box and Ryan and Kyle dug a hole out near the boat dock and buried him, he ain’t come back.

But I didn’t put momma in a box, I said, shocked.

But she ain’t coming back either, Daddy said so, Jace said quickly, kicking at the dirt.

I wanted my momma back, so I decided when I was bigger I would go look for her and tell her I’m sorry for being bad.

Jace?

Yeah?

What’s a whore? I asked quietly.

He tilted his head to one side and scrunched up his face, thinking. I don’t know, but it sounds a nasty word the way Ryan says it.

Hmm, Daddy used to shout it at Momma all the time, I remembered.

Maybe it’s true then.

I didn’t like to think my momma was a bad word. I hated when Daddy shouted at her and made her cry, she would have really nasty cuts and marks on her pretty face too. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly. I wished my momma would come back, I’d promise to be good and not do anything naughty and I’d promise to put my toys away and eat my vegetables.

A loud snap behind us made us both jump and turn around to face the noise. The largest man I’ve ever seen came toward us. He had on his work clothes; they were really smart, and I always liked the ties he wore, they always felt soft when he let me touch them. Grandpa Chase reminded me of Clark Kent but today he didn’t have his glasses on.

Boys, what y’all doing near the water? Didn’t Violet say not to be this close? Hmm?

Yes sir, we both said together as we hung our heads.

When I chanced a look back up, he was staring at me with a strange expression on his face. Sometimes Grandpa Chase scared me, not like Ryan scared me, but I didn’t like how he looked at me. He paid little attention to me in the house but when the others were out he would always make me go sit with him in his office.

Jace, go wash up for dinner, your momma was looking for you to set the table.

Yes sir. My only friend jumped to his feet and walked past his daddy. Grandpa put his hand on his shoulder and smiled down at him. You be a good boy now you hear.

Yes sir.

Grandpa and I watched as Jace disappeared into the trees and back to the house. Grandpa looked back at me and smiled. He looked around the trees, his gaze landing on a tree just behind us.

Boy, come sit with me a while, he said in his deep voice.

I scrambled to my feet and patted my clothes down, wiping the leaves and mud away. When I stood at the side of my grandpa I was so small my head only reached above his knee. I looked up at him but the sun above his head hurt my eyes. He sat down on a large tree branch that looked like a monster’s arm reaching out toward the water, with long twisted fingers dipping into the water’s edge. I was too small to get on the branch myself, so Grandpa picked me up and placed me beside him.

I used to sit out here with your daddy a lot; we used to love to come down here after dinner. He knew how to be a good boy and treat his old man right. Do you want to be a good boy, Chase? Do you want to be like your daddy?

I nodded, but I really didn’t want to be like my daddy; he was mean and shouted a lot. And most times he scared me and made my momma cry.

Come and sit on my knee, boy.

I didn’t move at first; Daddy had never wanted me near him so I felt a little strange sitting in another man’s lap.

I hear Ryan has been beating on you? he said, but didn’t look down at me.

I didn’t answer because I was scared Ryan would be mad at me if I ratted on him.

I can make that stop. If you do things for me, if you’re nice to your grandpa, then I can protect you.

I liked the idea of that. I didn’t like Ryan hitting me, it hurt—a lot.

So you will be my friend? I asked, tilting my head far back to see him fully.

Yeah, something like that. But it’s a secret friendship. We can’t tell no one, son, you get me? Your dad and I had a special friendship too, he was a good boy like you. But if you do tell anyone, Ryan will make you hurt real bad, do you hear me boy?

Yes sir. I knew how badly Ryan could hurt me, I had seen the doctor at the hospital lots of times because of him.

Well, come over here then son, and sit on my lap.

I shuffled along the tree branch, the rough wood scraping my trousers, and I knew grandma Violet wouldn’t be happy. When I sat in his lap he made a strange noise so I looked up at him.

You and I, boy, are going to get on real good. From now on we take care of each other. Just do as you are told and everything will be fine, and if you are extra good and do special things for me then maybe I can bring your momma back, he added before I felt his huge hand rubbing my bottom. I bobbed my head because I would do anything to bring my momma back.

***

I washed my hands to get ready for supper. Ryan and Kyle had come back from their friend’s house. Jace was already in the dining room; he sat at the table with Grandma Violet and Grandpa Chase. The twins Gray and Tate were in their room arguing over a book from school. I hated dinner time because I always did something wrong. I spilt something, or ate too loudly. I tried real hard to be good but the more I tried the more I did wrong. I liked sitting with Grandpa today, it was nice to have a friend who wanted to cuddle me; he seemed to like holding me close. Only my momma had ever wanted to cuddle before and I missed her.

I walked through the dark hallway from the bathroom to the dining room. I could hear Grandpa and Ryan talking about football. Grandpa wasn’t happy that Ryan had missed practise to go to his friend’s house.

When I walked into the room, everyone stared at me like they didn’t want me to be there. I stood in the doorway afraid to walk toward the table.

Don’t just stand there, you idiot, sit down, snapped Ryan. Kyle laughed as he always did.

There was one seat beside Grandma Violet, and between Grandpa and Ryan. I didn’t want to sit next to Grandma because she slapped my hands if I did anything wrong, but I didn’t want to sit with Ryan either. I heard a chair scrape across the floor and turned my head to see Grandpa Chase standing up and coming toward me.

Come on, boy, you sit by me. He held out his hand. I took it and let him walk me around the table to sit between him and Ryan.

I wriggled my bottom in the chair and sat as straight as I could to be tall enough to reach my plate. I could feel Ryan staring at me, which made me shrink back in my seat a little. I was really hungry but I would miss supper if it meant he wouldn’t hurt me again.

Some changes need to be made around here. My boy here is part of this family. I don’t want any y’all making him unhappy or beating on him. Do I make myself clear?

Silence settled upon the table.

Let me put it a different way. Anyone hurts him, you will receive the sting of my belt. Do. You. Understand?

Yes sir, came a collective agreement from around the table.

I will make the boy into a man. He’s part of this family and we treat family right, Grandpa said before eating his dinner. I lifted my head to look at my plate. I turned my head slightly when I heard Ryan cuss under his breath.

I closed my eyes and made my hands into a prayer sign and prayed God would return my momma and take me home. I missed her so much.

Dinner was quieter than usual, no one really spoke other than Grandma and Grandpa. Ryan was really quiet. I thought it was because he was angry I was next to him. I ate everything on my plate and felt happy because I didn’t spill anything. So I would get a treat. I placed my knife and fork neatly on my plate and straightened the napkin across my lap. When dessert came out I smiled because it was peach cobbler, my favourite. Grandma Violet gave everyone but me a slice and sat back down. My lip wobbled because I knew I’d done something wrong again and that’s why I wasn’t allowed any. I didn’t want to cry because Ryan hated when I cried and it made him even madder at me. But it hurt inside that I had tried my best to be good and I still didn't get any dessert.

Vi, the boy wants some, Grandpa said. His voice was low and sounded scary.

There isn’t any left. He said he didn’t like peaches. She always sounded annoyed.

I jumped when Grandpa dropped his spoon on his plate, placing both elbows on the table. His hands at either side of his plate were held in two massive fists. I shrunk down into my chair, scared he would turn those massive hands on me. He let out a long impatient breath and stared at Grandma like she’d been bad.

I said— he started but Ryan interrupted him.

Here, you can have mine, I should cut out the cobbler seeing as I missed practise. Ryan slid his plate across to me.

I looked up at Ryan completely shocked. He had never done anything nice for me before.

Good boy, makes me happy my boys are getting along, Grandpa said, and Ryan closed his eyes.

Thank you, I whispered to Ryan.

He opened his eyes and looked at me. He grinned slightly before nodding and turning his attention back toward what Kyle was saying. I continued to stare at the back of his head, shocked he would smile at me.

***

I liked bedtime, it was my favourite part of the day because it was the only time I got to see my momma, she always came to me in my dreams. I never wanted to wake up when she was there. Usually I slept down in the basement on a cot in the corner. It was cold and dark and when I first slept there I was terrified. Nothing scared me more than Ryan, so I started to like going down there because he never came into the basement. But today Grandpa said I could have a room upstairs with everyone else. Tonight I got to sleep on the top bunk in Jace’s room. It felt pretty awesome to be in his room. I would have to thank Grandpa tomorrow. He said when he put me to bed that we would have a special walk tomorrow where only friends go.

I went to sleep with a smile on my face that night and for the first time since momma went away I felt happy.

"Run, Chase, don’t let him catch you," Momma shouted as I ran through the trees. I could see the water at the side of me.

"Chase, run," she screamed louder but I couldn’t see her or who was chasing me. I could hear him, his angry grunts and loud breathing, but I couldn’t see him. Maybe it was a monster. Momma sounded so scared. What if daddy was chasing me?

I ran as fast as I could, the trees went on forever, I couldn’t get to the house because it just kept getting farther and farther away.

"Chase!" Momma screamed. I fell when I turned to see if she was with me. I crashed into the ground but it didn’t hurt. I rolled onto my back to see if Momma was here. But she wasn’t. I could hear her crying and pleading with me to hide and run away. But I stayed where I was, I couldn’t move. The monster came closer, I could hear him, his shadow came out of the woods. The huge monster walked toward me but I couldn’t see him, he was too dark. I crawled away and tried to run but his hand landed on my shoulder—

Ssshh. A hand was over my mouth as I struggled. I stared at the dark shadow in my room with wide eyes. Come on, he whispered, but I knew that voice. It wasn’t my dream monster, it was worse, it was Ryan. He lifted me from the bunk and carried me out of the room. He smelt funny, his breath had a horrible smell to it. Like when Grandpa drank that golden juice.

Ryan carried me silently through the house out of the back door and into the trees near the water. He still held his hand over my mouth. I shivered when the cold night air hit me; my jammies were not warm enough to be out here without a sweater. Ryan only had a vest on so I stayed quiet because he would say I had to be a man.

I was scared in the dark, I was scared going outside in the dark, but I was terrified going outside in the dark with Ryan. I shivered again and Ryan pulled me closer to him and wrapped his big arms around me. It felt nice but I started to cry because I didn’t want Ryan to hurt me again and I knew that was what would happen.

Don’t cry, buddy, I’m not gonna hurt ya, Ryan said softly.

I shivered again because it was nice he said buddy but I knew Ryan wasn’t nice, so I kept crying.

He stopped at the edge of the water and stared out into the darkness. I could hear the water lapping at the shore. Ryan lifted a bottle to his mouth and gulped his juice down. He made a coughing noise and threw the bottle into the water, making a loud splash.

I fucking hate it here, he said. I gasped because that was a bad word and momma said boys should never say that word. Daddy said it all the time.

I thought I was helping you, I thought— He growled like a scary animal. It’s all been fucking pointless. He sat down on the ground with me still in his arms. I tried not to move so he would forget I was there.

I didn’t want to hurt you, little man, but it was the only way I could think to get you out of here. He let out a long smelly breath and tightened his arms around me. "I thought if I hurt you enough times, the hospital would take you away. I thought they’d say it was unsafe for you to live here with us, but they fucking believed her every time. I mean come on, how stupid are they, a kid don’t fall that many times. He laughed but he didn’t sound happy. I saw it, I knew the day you arrived the sick fucker would make you one of his special boys. I didn’t want that for you. I couldn’t let it happen. I tried to get you out of here. But I can’t hurt you no more, it ain’t right and I’m sorry. I don’t hate you, kid, I need you out of here. It’s fucked up what he does. I’m sorry I hurt you, buddy, but one day I hope you will see why I did it. I wanted you away from this place." He spoke so quickly I had trouble understanding what he was saying.

He turned to look at me in the moonlight I could see Ryan had tears rolling down his face. I leaned back, a little shocked he was crying. Men don’t cry. I lifted my hand and wiped his face with the sleeve of my jammies and he laughed.

I’ll try, buddy, to keep you safe, but other than killing the fucker I don’t know what to do, he said.

I stared at his face, his blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight. We had the same colour eyes.

Will you still be mean?

He laughed again. "No, buddy, I won’t be mean. But you have to do as I say and never tell Dad what I say okay?"

I nodded.

He’s going to try to do...stuff...to you. We need to get you out of here before that happens okay, because trust me...it fucks you up real bad. He hugged me to him again.

Maybe if we got my momma to come back—

Fuck me! I would love to bring your momma back for you, little man, she’d take you away and keep you safe. But that ain’t never gonna happen. She’s dead, buddy, which means she can never come back. You had a sick fucker for a dad, even if he is my brother. You’re mom was a good woman for keeping you away from my sick fucker of a dad. I’m going to look after you though, kid, I promise we will make you into a man your momma would be proud of, okay? She’s up there in Heaven watching you and relying on me to keep you safe, but I need your help to do that.

I nodded and looked up into the night sky at the twinkling stars, wondering if I would see her.

Ryan?

Yeah?

What’s a whore?

"Something your momma never was. It’s...you’ll find out when you’re older, kid. But your momma wasn’t one, I promise. Your dad never deserved her and our dad hated her for taking their son and you away from him. She was a fucking hero if you ask me."

Does this mean we can be friends? I asked quietly.

Yeah, bud, it does.

"A special friendship?" I asked, smiling.

"No! He...fucking hell...he’s already done it. No, listen to me. I don’t want the same kind of friendship that sick fucker is offering. You stay away from him, okay? I want to be your real friend, he wants to hurt you but not the way I did. Not— Ryan sounded out of breath even though we were sitting down. He isn’t going to hit you but...fuck! Chase, listen. Your grandpa is a sick, twisted man. You think your dad was messed up, it ain’t nothing... Ryan held onto my shoulders and pushed me away from him slightly to look at me. Wait, did your dad ever...touch you?"

I shook my head. Daddy didn’t like cuddles. He didn’t like me very much and Momma used to make me go to my room when he was home. I stretched up to whisper in his ear. I think I was naughty and that’s why he was cross all the time.

You weren’t naughty, buddy, the men in this family are fucked up. But I’m going to make sure you’re not, okay? he whispered and pulled me into another hug. You need to stay away from your grandpa. When he wants you, you hide under that boat there, where you hide from me, okay?

I lifted my head to look at him. You knew my hiding place?

Yeah, kid, who do you think put it there? Your daddy and I needed a hiding place once upon a time too.

I smiled at him and liked this Ryan, he was much better than the one who hit me. He didn’t seem so scary anymore. He was my friend, and that made me happy.

Mrs. Beaumont, Mikey just take me pen off me, shouted Polly.

Mikey, what do we do if we would like something someone else is using? I asked.

Ask first Miss Beaumont, Mikey replied sulkily.

Good, now give the pen back to—

Good morning children. Miss Beaumont, could I have a word please?

I turned to see Joyce, the headmistress, beckoning me to follow her outside. I frowned because it was rare she would interrupt a class for a quick chat if it wasn’t highly important. I motioned to Miss Dean I’d be outside. I followed Joyce out of class and when she continued to her office a sense of foreboding hit me.

Lou, take a seat. She