Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    Newfie, Come Home!
    Newfie, Come Home!
    Newfie, Come Home!
    Ebook123 pages1 hour

    Newfie, Come Home!

    By David Belisle

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    In a Guantanamo Bay Prison, terrorists Atakan Kihlall and his servant, Sirhan Rappi, eat Froot Loops. Kihall hates the breakfast cereal. They dream of escape.

    At the same time in St. Johns, Newfoundland, Gord McDougall plays a game of chicken with his uncle outside the house while Gord's dad is inside, preparing to commit suicide. The McDougall family has a history of meeting untimely ends in bizarre accidents. Gord's dad walks to the window for one last look at his family ... and is hit in the chest with a knife accidentally thrown by a screaming Gord – who’d been hit in the foot by his uncle's throw.

    Gord is shattered by the accident. He discovers the pills and booze his father was about to take, and rushes to the hospital. Once there, his father explains that he could have been a better father and that if you're going to go big, the bigger the better. Gord confuses the message, believing ... like father, like son ... he must carry out what his father had set out to do ... and take his own life.

    Donna White, a social worker, meets Gord and falls for him. She has a history of relationships with strange men. One of them, Lester DePester, is a serial stalker who's recently escaped from an asylum. Donna sends Gord to Toronto to see a specialist for his low self-esteem. Before leaving, Gord takes out a life insurance policy so his family can get rich.

    On the boat to the mainland, Gord bumps into Kihall. After careful thought, Kihlall welcomes Gord into the terrorist fold. Gord yells for joy ... and gets them arrested.

    CSIS calls the Immigration Minister Ellie Krapstane, who's in bed with Iraqi ambassador Bahrain Diyad. Fearing a million-dollar law suit, Canada puts Gord and Kihlall into the witness protection program.

    Gord finds room and board with Two-Bit, a low-life, drug dealer. On the first night the place is shot up by a rival gang. Gord jumps up and down on the sofa bed, trying to get hit by the hail of bullets crashing through the window.

    Gord and Kihlall’s CSIS folders get mixed up. Gord winds up at a taxi company full of aspiring terrorists while Kihlall is in Toronto at a plant ... manufacturing Froot Loops. Kihlall leaves the plant and hitches a ride to Ottawa ... with a Jewish family.

    Kihlall schedules Gord to blow up the U.S. Embassy but Gord doesn't want to kill anybody but himself. Gord streaks naked past the Embassy before his terrorists can detonate the taxi cab. Nobody's hurt and Gord's upset that he's still alive.

    A cross-border dialogue begins between the Canadian Prime Minister May Bea Peutetre and U.S. President Will Stinson. Stinson tells her to find the Newfy who did it. Gord is already on the way to Niagara Falls for his next mission. He happily tunes in a radio talk show on assisted suicide. In Toronto, DePester narrowly misses taking out an oblivious Gord. At Niagara Falls, Gord manages to sink the Maid of the Mist but is unable to beat off a diver who pulls him off the submerged boat and up out of the water ... where the authorities apprehend him.

    Kihlall soon breaks him out, using Donna as a bargaining chip. The U.S. President is coming to Ottawa to get to the bottom of things. It's a prime opportunity for the terrorists to kill two heads of state with one Gord. Or is it?

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherDavid Belisle
    Release dateAug 4, 2014
    ISBN9781311604446
    Newfie, Come Home!
    Author

    David Belisle

    Dave Belisle is a Vietnam War draft dodger ... his mother escorting him north of the border at the tender age of 8. He's returned to Calgary -- not as a Stampede side show -- but to transform that Rocky Mountain air into raucous laughter ... give or take a foothill. There's no armistice on anecdotes, no flat tire in satire ... and your busted funny bone IS covered by Canadian health care.

    Read more from David Belisle

    Related to Newfie, Come Home!

    Related ebooks

    Performing Arts For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      Gilden Edge

      Sep 21, 2021

      Gilden Edge
      3 min read

    • Article

      60 Second Screenplay

      Jun 24, 2022

      60 Second Screenplay
      2 min read

    • Article

      Streaming

      Oct 4, 2020

      Streaming
      3 min read

    • Article

      FLAP THOSE Wings

      Nov 13, 2019

      FLAP THOSE Wings
      6 min read

    • Article

      All Hail The DPD Driver

      Mar 4, 2021

      DELIVERY drivers are our heroes. They arrive at all times of day and night, having battled their way from somewhere near Glasgow with an item that seemed essential at the time of ordering: screen wipes, hand cream, a new bit for Izzy. Adam, a latecom

      2 min read

    • Article

      Gerald And His Greys

      Apr 27, 2022

      Gerald And His Greys
      7 min read

    • Article

      Laugh!

      Apr 19, 2022

      Somebody stole half of my camel costume, so now I’ve got the right hump. Comedian GARY DELANEY The spelling of Irish names is my pet piamh. @LITTLELOSTLAD, via Twitter I was at the airport when I saw a guy fall unconscious on the baggage carousel. He

      2 min read

    • Article

      60 Second Screenplay

      Apr 6, 2021

      60 Second Screenplay
      2 min read

    • Article

      Toolbox TALES

      Jun 26, 2022

      Toolbox TALES
      2 min read

    • Article

      Flying FAREWELL

      Sep 24, 2023

      Flying FAREWELL
      5 min read

    • Article

      Fitting In

      Oct 1, 2021

      Fitting In
      6 min read

    • Article

      Doodlebug & Dandelion Scary-Hausen

      May 1, 2019

      Doodlebug & Dandelion Scary-Hausen
      3 min read

    • Article

      Doodlebug & Dandelion

      Mar 1, 2020

      Doodlebug & Dandelion
      3 min read

    • Article

      ME, Myself, I

      Oct 20, 2021

      ME, Myself, I
      9 min read

    • Article

      Arse End

      Oct 11, 2019

      Arse End
      2 min read

    • Article

      Too Much Ado About NOTHING

      Jun 8, 2022

      Too Much Ado About NOTHING
      3 min read

    • Article

      Cowboys And Hoonugans

      Feb 4, 2019

      Cowboys And Hoonugans
      7 min read

    • Article

      Doodlebug & Dandelion The MVP

      Sep 1, 2020

      Doodlebug & Dandelion The MVP
      3 min read

    • Article

      Burying The Past

      May 17, 2023

      Burying The Past
      5 min read

    • Article

      High Fliers!

      May 3, 2023

      High Fliers!
      3 min read

    • Article

      The Kindness of Strangers

      Apr 27, 2020

      The Kindness of Strangers
      5 min read

    • Article

      Only One Life…

      Oct 12, 2022

      Only One Life…
      2 min read

    • Article

      Wait’s WONDERFUL LIFE

      Feb 24, 2022

      Wait’s WONDERFUL LIFE
      18 min read

    • Article

      A New Calling

      Nov 15, 2020

      A New Calling
      7 min read

    • Article

      Doodlebug & Dandelion Pumpkin Head

      Oct 1, 2022

      Doodlebug & Dandelion Pumpkin Head
      3 min read

    • Article

      Goodbye Gordon

      Jan 21, 2022

      Goodbye Gordon
      7 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for Newfie, Come Home!

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      Newfie, Come Home! - David Belisle

      Newfie, Come Home!

      Dave Belisle

      Copyright 2006 by Dave Belisle

      Smashwords Edition

      EXT. GUANTANAMO BAY -- MORNING

      The sun rises over the shimmering sea.

      INT. GUANTANAMO BAY PRISON -- CONTINUOUS

      In a large room, several dozen PRISONERS of middle east descent, including ATAKAN KIHLALL and SIRHAN RAPPI, sit at long tables and eat breakfast. Between them, on the table, is a box of Froot Loops. KIHLALL looks down at his bowl.

      RAPPI

      You must eat, your highness. You need to be strong for the jihad.

      KIHLALL

      I will slit my throat before I eat this infidel, multi-coloured breakfast food.

      RAPPI

      But your highness, your cereal is getting ... soggy.

      KIHLALL

      Can't you see, Sirhan Rappi? It is an American apparatus for torture!

      Rappi's bowl is almost empty. He raises his spoon containing the last three green loops. The spoon stops in mid-air.

      RAPPI

      Is it okay if I eat the green ones last?

      KIHLALL

      (resigning)

      Go ahead. I will close my eyes and dream of my next meal ... in eternal bliss.

      EXT. NEWFOUNDLAND COAST -- DAY

      The surf crashes against the shore. Several houses dot the rugged, rocky coastline. It's spring in St. Johns.

      GRAPHIC: Newfoundland

      EXT. MCDOUGALL HOME -- CONTINUOUS

      The modest 2-storey white house sits on the side of a hill. Its tar paper roof is short a shingle or two and a rusty gate swings in the breeze.

      INT. MCDOUGALL HOME -- CONTINUOUS

      Several framed pictures of gravestones sit on the mantle over the fake fireplace. Stompin' Tom Connors' The Moon-Man Newfie plays on the radio.

      RADIO (MUSIC)

      You might think it's goofy, but the man in the moon is a Newfie. And he's sailing on to glory, away in the golden dory; He's sailing on to glory, away in the golden dory.

      The narrator is Gord McDougall.

      NARRATOR

      Folks in dese parts would tell ya dat de only good McDougall is a dead'un. Ain't dat de trut'. Cuz doze are de ones dat are all famous.

      The gravestone in one picture reads Cyril McDougall, 1922-1944.

      NARRATOR (CONT'D)

      Granddad was a merchant marine who always wanted to see da world. He made it all de way to de end o' de harbour before a German U-boat sunk'im.

      The next picture's gravestone reads, Paddy McDougall, 1923-1976.

      NARRATOR (CONT'D)

      Me uncle Paddy was de very last person to be hit by a fish truck at de corner of Columbus and Blackmarsh before dey put up a four-way stop. And dey said 'e wouldn't amount to nuttin'.

      The next picture's headstone reads, Johnny McDougall, 1951-1969.

      NARRATOR (CONT'D)

      Johnny, me cousin, was de only one died in de perfect storm of a storm in '69. Only one on a surf board too.

      (PAUSE)

      If'n de McDougall's weren't so famous, you'd be t'inkin' we was havin' a bad wack of hassle.

      The paint on the wall is fading. A window is open. Muffled voices come from outside the house.

      UNCLE ANGUS (V.O.)

      Ha! Ya missed! Dere's more muscle in a hen's forehead.

      His back to us, Gord McDougall's father, ARCHIE MCDOUGALL, sits at the table. He's a grizzled, beaten man of 60.

      Mr. McDougall writes on a piece of paper. It reads: "Lard, Jaysus. It's time I wasn't here. Me nerves is rubbed right raw. How can I do anything when I ain't got nothing to do anything with?

      MR. MCDOUGALL (V.O.)

      Lard, Jaysus. It's time I wasn't here. Me nerves is rubbed right raw. How can I do ar'ting when I ain't got nar'ting to do ar'ting wit'?

      Gord's father reaches for the bottle of whiskey and pours a double shot into a glass. He reaches for a bottle of aspirin and empties a dozen pills onto the table. He picks up a bottle of Flintstone vitamins and pours a dozen pills on top of the first pile.

      Mr. McDougall picks up the glass and a handful of pills.

      UNCLE ANGUS (V.O.)

      Ya call dat a t'row?! Looka de arm's on ya. Dere's more meat on Good Friday!

      Gord's father looks at the open window and sighs. He puts down the glass and suicide mix and rises from his chair.

      EXT. MCDOUGALL HOME -- CONTINUOUS

      Uncle ANGUS MCDOUGALL picks up a fish filet knife from the ground. He's 52, balding and pot-bellied. He and GORD MCDOUGALL stand 20 feet apart. They're playing a game of chicken in the backyard. Gord's a lean 26. He wears a t-shirt and grunge jeans that pile up at his ankles. Gord's mother, ALICE MCDOUGALL, sits on the porch. She's 55, plump and well-bosomed. She adjusts her shawl in the breeze.

      MRS. MCDOUGALL

      Ooh, me goosebumps are so big, I don't know where to put me bra.

      Uncle Angus throws the knife. Gord moves his right foot. The knife hits it.

      GORD

      YOW!

      Uncle Angus slaps his knee and laughs. An angry Gord picks up the knife.

      INT. MCDOUGALL HOME -- CONTINUOUS

      Mr. McDougall arrives at the open window. He raises his hands to close it.

      EXT. MCDOUGALL HOME -- CONTINUOUS

      Gord wheels and fires the filet knife. His foot slips on the grass. He misses badly and the knife hits his father in the chest.

      INT. MCDOUGALL HOME -- MOMENTS LATER

      Two PARAMEDICS wheel out Mr. McDougall. Uncle Angus follows behind them. A tight-lipped Gord stands off to the side. His mother, jacket in hand, comforts him.

      MRS. MCDOUGALL

      Ya sure now ya don't want to come?

      GORD

      Nuttin' surer dan dat.

      (BEAT)

      I almost killed him.

      MRS. MCDOUGALL

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1