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    How NOT To...Publish
    How NOT To...Publish
    How NOT To...Publish
    Ebook160 pages2 hours

    How NOT To...Publish

    By Zada Green

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    About this ebook

    Finally, the book no one was waiting for! Zada Green's How NOT To...Publish. Authors, are you Silvia Sloth or Rachel Redraft? Readers, are you Samuel Snob or Harper High Rating? Editors, are you Fabio Fad or Renee Rewrite? Here's THE guide to personalities that'll kill publishing careers before they even start. If you relate to them, you're in trouble...

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAmaria & Sariel
    Release dateJul 27, 2014
    ISBN9781501446719
    How NOT To...Publish
    Author

    Zada Green

    When Zada Green was born, the world didn't stand still. It continued on as normal. Only her parents and older sister really cared, but when she cried too much, even they got a bit fed up. Fast forward only twenty plus years, Zada decided to self-publish. This is her work, one of many to come. Shakespeare rolls in his grave knowing he could never write something so amazing. Alas, he couldn't. Ha ha, hater! Anyway, Zada writes non-fiction and humorous works because she likes to have fun and help others (only nice people) and...Wait. Why am I talking about myself in the third person?

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      Book preview

      How NOT To...Publish - Zada Green

      Introduction

      Zada Green's How NOT To...series is meant to be comical, sarcastic, and plain wrong. Make sure you're NOT following the anecdotes in this book. Do the opposite of what they say and the opposite of what they do. After every anecdote I'll give a serious summary of what you should have learned in class today.

      This isn't an exhaustive guide to publishing. At the end of the book are five key websites. Read through them. Every entry and the comments too, so you get the full picture. The information applies to trade, independent, and self published authors. You need to know what is happening in the industry and what it means for you.

      Legal notice: If this advice ruins your life, you can't sue me because I have no money. Ha ha to you! Did I make up the anecdotes? Of course not...They're real people. I can provide their details if you require proof, but supplying this information has an administration fee of 500 dollars/pounds/euros. No refunds will be given if the documents fail to arrive. Try sending another cheque. Brand names are hinted at - e.g. the 'Big A' isn’t a fruit, it's a rainforest - because I'm not giving free advertising.* If any brands want to be featured in my books, they'll have to pay. I don't accept freebies, just cold hard cash in sterling. The websites recommended at the end didn't pay - their advice is priceless.

      There are so many publishing books out there, but mine is the best because I wrote it.

      Am I qualified to write this?

      Yes.

      Do I have proof?

      Why? Who's asking? Sorry...Yes. I'm a published author.

      I will educate all, but right now just you.

      This epic non-fiction work will show you how NOT to publish bestselling books. You think you know, but I didn't so why should you? Now I will share the vast knowledge I've accumulated over the past hour. You're busy writing, agenting or publishing, so I've done the necessary web search for you.

      Sit back, relax, put your feet up, close your eyes, open your eyes, and read.

      *'Big A' stands for Amazon.

      Publishing through Time

      Authors used to self publish, but then publishers came along. They funded book production - editing, proofreading, printing, distribution, and marketing - but took a huge portion of the profits. Everything was nice until modern technology like typewriters and affordable home computers spoiled the party. Then all sorts of riff raff, including me, started writing.

      Too much choice, the publishers said. "Someone filter this crap...Now!"

      The publishers looked around and remembered the agents, who were lingering in the shadows, watching, waiting to come out and read a contract. The agents were on the sidelines, but the publishers knew there was a big opportunity there.

      Would you be our filters? the publishers asked.

      Oh, can I? Oh boy! The agents did an Irish jig. We accept.

      Agents were meant to filter bad books, you know, the ones without punctuation, paragraphs, grammar, words, pretty pictures. Instead, agents started filtering whatever they didn't like, for example, what wasn't the latest fad. Authors continued to kiss their agents' backsides because how else could we get published? We swallowed our pride and puckered up until...

      The e-book bonanza.

      Now authors could publish their own work. Some said the self pubbers were all crapwards, but the self pubbers just stuck their tongues out and kept writing. Suddenly authors had freedom. They could stick with trade and independent publishers, self publish, or do both. Some authors still complained about what others were doing, but overall everyone seemed pretty satisfied. Life was grand unless...

      You were an agent or publisher.

      Agents felt unloved, unwanted. They decided to become publishers, but the courts didn't like that. Publishers didn't like that either. They had been buddies for so long, but now the publishers had lost their close loves (agents) and their distant acquaintances (authors). Agents were stealing their authors!

      Authors finally grew a backbone! Trade authors fought in droves to protect the agents who'd dropped them twenty years before, and independent authors celebrated that self pubbers were the new lowest of the low. Self pubbers kept churning out books from their factories, waiting for the day when they'd hit that number spot...for two seconds before the page refreshed.

      Publishing has been a rollercoaster since it started, whenever that was - look it up! I can't do everything for you. What matters most is that readers keep getting their books, like this masterpiece you're reading right now. As long as the readers read and the writers write, who really cares what goes on behind the scenes?

      I do! You too because that's why you bought this literary piece of British literature.

      Authors

      I'm putting authors first because no one else in the industry does. Also, I'm an author, so there's some bias.

      Instead of listing every author in the world, which would be boring, I think, I'll separate us into specific groups. If you read the description and feel embarrassed, ashamed, turn pink (assuming you're a white person, otherwise you'll look the same), and chuckle nervously while you hide behind your book (or e-reader), I'm talking about YOU.

      Each author description starts with anecdote that might be based on true events...I can't name names, so I gave them fictional names. Read over them all to see which mistakes you could be making. You could be more than one type of author, so don't be lazy and skip over the rest.

      Agatha Agent

      Agatha LOVES her agent. She would marry him if she could. He's not attractive or anything, but he takes good care of her, she thinks. Sure, he sits on her money for six months, didn't warn her about that bad contract, and dumped her on his assistant because he's got bigger clients...Still, she understands because she's never felt that important anyway.

      When authors warn about royalties dropping, bookstores closing, advancing disappearing, Agatha doesn't panic. She knows her agent will support her no matter what, even though the last five agents dropped her when things went downhill. He chose her because she's a quality writer, not famous, not an Oxford/Cambridge/Harvard/Yale/Princeton graduate, not writing for the latest fad, not going to make him millions of dollars. He chose her because he thinks she's good. Who cares what the critics or readers say? As long as Agatha's agent marries her, all will be well. She wrote her book for him by studying his website and stalking him through social marketing. Now he's finally hers and hers to keep, assuming she makes more than the advance.

      I love him, she said. He's my best friend in the world wide world.

      When asked whether he's passed on her royalties yet, she shrugs and smiles.

      He can sit on my money for as long as he likes. He's got bills to pay, you know? Who cares if my children go without? As long as my agent goes to Jamaica again this year, all is well in the world.

      To prove her undying love, Agatha lets her agent sign documents on her behalf. Yes, the complete moron, I mean, nice lady, granted her agent power of attorney. She isn't worried that the man she has never met could make deals without her knowledge. The story of an agent scamming authors just made her chuckle.

      It probably came from some bitter indie or self published 'authors'. They're jealous because they couldn't get an agent if they paid one. Now the pitiful fools have sold millions of copies, gotten the highest advances in the world, signed film, television, toy, merchandise, lingerie deals, and they didn't have an agent. It must hurt making millions alone. I pray for them.

      Agatha feels close to her agent, even though they've never met. He lives somewhere in the world while she resides in Glasgow, Scotland. One day she hopes to meet him, but she understands how busy he is with deals and parties for other authors.

      He doesn't care about money, so he spends his time with his biggest selling authors. They make him millions each year, so it's only right that I'm shoved to the back. Maybe one day he'll speak to me again. If not, I'm honoured to have his intern. She messed up my royalty payment (Agatha received someone else's cheque and then was underpaid), but she's learning. I don't mind if she makes mistakes with my career.

      Soon news spread that publishers accept submissions from unagented authors, yes, even the 'Big Six' (Hachette, HarperCollins, Macmillan Publishers, Penguin, Random House, and Simon & Schuster). Agatha shook her head in disgust, suddenly on the verge of a mental breakdown, or were those just tears?

      We need agents. They take commission from our royalties, read the contract to make sure it's as bad as possible, edit, even though they're not editors, and...um...other stuff.

      Like what?

      I'll call him and find out.

      Agatha loves to write different genres, but she only publishes one. When she decided to write under a different genre, her agent wouldn’t let her. Now she has thirty stories she will never write.

      I won't write them, she said. "If I do, I'll have to find another agent. It took me twenty years to get him, so the stories aren't worth it. Who cares if millions of readers would love them? Only he matters."

      Smart authors like Agatha NEVER question their agents. She has no idea what experience he has and she doesn't care. When she saw the 'Agent' title before his name, she immediately trusted him with her books, her children, her life.

      "I don't care if he's not legally qualified. He will still look over my contracts. If he misses major clauses (reversion, out of print, derivative rights) it doesn't matter. He's not signing the contract, I am, so why should he care?"

      When asked whether she was worried by her agent having no qualifications or worldly whatsoever, she said, No. I read that he's a top agent in the world, so it doesn't matter that he woke up one day and decided to be an agent. I don't care if he doesn't know any editors, publishers hate him, he's stolen authors money, he's been arrested, or anything else the self pubbers claim. They're just, as the kids would say, jealous haters!

      Agatha is currently rewriting her

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