Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair

Infidelity Crisis:

How to gain forgiveness and respect after your affair

Katie Coston

Copyright 2014 by Katie Coston

All Rights Reserved

Smashwords Edition

Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

To protect the privacy of individuals mentioned in this book all names have been changed and a pen name has been used.

Thanks to mom for loving me when I was unlovable; thanks to dad for being the man that he was; thanks to my boys for giving me the courage to search; but most of all, thank you to the Lord of my life, Jesus Christ.

Table of Contents

Author’s Introduction

A special note

Chapter I - Before We Begin

Chapter II - The First Step

Chapter III - The Wise Will Build, A Fool Will Destroy

Chapter IV - Separation Despite Your Best Efforts

Appendix

Author’s Introduction

This is a new edition of an ebook that I distributed over the Internet since 2003. During its eleven years as a PDF ebook, hundreds of thousands of copies were distributed and I received countless testimonials regarding its value and assistance in repairing marital relationships that had been devastated by an extramarital affair. This new edition closely tracks the old PDF ebook. Its changes are minor, made mostly to correct grammatical errors and formatting issues. The words are still mine and any remaining grammatical mistakes are still solely mine.

I am not a mental health professional. I am simply a woman who experienced infidelity in my own marriage and chose to write about it. I wrote this book to help other couples recover from the damage that my own marriage could not endure, and to spare the children of these couples the trauma of divorce.

When I found out that my husband had been unfaithful, I was devastated. We were both intelligent people and we loved each other. We had a family and wanted to start over. We were also both in a lot of pain, however, and we did not have the answers that we needed when we needed them. We sought help through different channels, including traditional counseling approaches and many self-help and relationship books. None of it worked for us. While the information that we desperately needed was available at the time, it was not available all in one place. Sifting through the available information simply wasted valuable time and prolonged our pain and anger.

During the aftermath of our crisis I spent a lot of time trying to figure out exactly why it had taken me so long to forgive my husband. What mistakes had we made? What behaviors contributed to my inability to forgive? Could these mistakes have been avoided? Were the answers that we needed really available? I reviewed the advice that I had been given and the books that I had read. Yes, the information had been available. It was buried, however, in the midst of far too much extraneous information and psycho-babble filler. We had also unknowingly embraced far too much bad advice. I then questioned whether our experience may have been different had we found the answers that we needed available in one place, in the plain language of everyday people. Sadly, I believed the answer was yes. That realization further begged the question, were there other couples who could save and heal their marriages if only they knew what I know in hindsight? Once again, the answer was yes.

I avoided the task of writing this book for a long time. Writing about infidelity was painful and I did not enjoy it. But my obligation to share what I had learned eventually outweighed the pain of writing. The result of my obligation is this book: it is a real guide written by a real person who has been through the very real crisis that your marriage is now experiencing. As stated previously, I am not a therapist. This book was written solely from the perspective of a betrayed spouse and it was written specifically to aid the offending spouse in his or her efforts to undo the damage that infidelity caused within their marriage.

My motivation throughout this book is to help save marriages and make them better. This book was not written to condemn anyone for having had an affair. I feel compassion towards both spouses, and I know that both spouses are likely dealing with their own personal hurt and pain during this crisis. If someone regrets having had an affair and truly wants to save his or her marriage, then the inability to do so is itself painful. There likewise may have been some very real pain that led to the poor decision to have an affair in the first place. I get it.

Please understand that if I sound harsh at times, it is only because I am writing in a condensed fashion so that you will not have to weed through all of the information that I had to weed through during my own crisis. If I am tough on you, it is because you are the person who has the ability to profoundly affect your marital relationship at this time. Do not, however, mistake toughness for lack of compassion. I do care about your feelings. I also care about helping you to save your marriage, and the only way that you are likely to save your marriage is for you to act based on your conscious mind and will rather than to act based solely on your emotions. Remember, I am on your side. I want you to be able to save and heal your marriage if this is your priority. This book was written to be between you and me – just us, with no one else along for the ride.

Since the purpose of this book is to help you to save your marriage and make it better, the first thing that you must do is have faith that this is possible. No marriage is hopeless. Do not fear the failure of your marriage but have faith, and jump into these steps with abandon. The behaviors that you will learn will be valuable throughout your lifetime and certainly into your next relationship should your marriage not survive the current crisis for some reason. If you take a step as outlined and believe that you are not making progress, do not give up. Wait in patience and continue the behaviors; it may take a little time for your spouse to trust your behavior and conviction, but through consistency, they will.

It is my hope that this book found its way to you at the beginning of your crisis, upon affair discovery, because it can dramatically reduce the pain that you and your spouse will both endure. If it has not, the steps will still work; it just might take a little longer for you to see results. Have patience. If you do the work, you will reap the rewards.

Because I am a Christian and because you may be a Christian as well, I have included references to Scripture in the book. As Christians, we are not immune to infidelity. This book was written for everyone, however, regardless of their view of a higher power. The steps in this book are based on humanity, not religion. If you are offended by Scripture or other religious matters, please skip over the paragraphs that contain these references as such paragraphs are clearly italicized. You do not need to read these references if they offend you. The book’s appendix was written for those readers who are open to God, and if matters concerning God offend you, you may likewise omit reading it.

A special note:

If you are reading this book and you are not the spouse who had an affair, please put this book aside or give it to your spouse. This book will not help anyone if it becomes a walk-the-line test. If you want your spouse to help undo the damage that his or her affair caused in your relationship, please give them the opportunity to do so on their own. I know the pain that you feel right now because I experienced it. However, who can better describe this pain to your spouse than someone who has likewise experienced it? No one can. Please give me some time alone with your spouse.

Chapter I - Before We Begin

I hope that you purchased this book because you are motivated to save your marriage and make it better. If you did not purchase this book but it was given to you as a gift, I hope that you will be open to the opportunity that it presents to save and heal your marriage. If it was your spouse who gave this book to you, understand that they are demonstrating a desire to remain married to you and they have been specifically instructed in its opening pages to not read this book. This book is between you and me. It was written for you, not your spouse, to heal your marriage after your husband or wife has discovered your extramarital affair.

Let me start by saying that I am not here to judge or condemn you. I wrote this book only to help you to save your marriage by sharing with you the mistakes that my husband and I made during our own infidelity crisis. It was written purely from my own personal experience and opinion. I am not a therapist, counselor or priest. I am an imperfect human being who lived through the crisis that your marriage is now experiencing. I am also on your side. I want you to be able to heal your marriage and make it better if this is your priority.

What you are holding in your hand or reading on your screen right now is the book that I wish I had purchased during my own infidelity crisis but it was not available at that time. It is, however, available to you and what you choose to do with this information is entirely up to you. But before you disregard any information contained in this book, please ask yourself: who can tell you how your spouse feels better than a person who has walked a mile in their shoes? If your priority is to save and heal your marriage—to make your marriage better—this book will help you. But if your goal is to manipulate your spouse, to simply cover your spouse’s wounds so you can get on with life as usual, it probably will not help you. This is because you are not likely to have the fortitude that healing your marriage requires. Again, the information is available. What you choose to do with it is up to you.

This book will provide you with a simple approach to address the many emotions that your spouse is likely experiencing as a result of your affair. If you follow this book closely, you will address your spouse’s emotional responses to your affair in steps that require specific behaviors by you. Each step is important, so if your goal is to heal your marriage, do not skip any of them. If you take each step in turn you should not only save your marriage but you should improve it significantly. And although some of the steps may be hard for you, they will work if your priority is to save your marriage. You may have scanned this chapter and not found any steps—don’t be discouraged or skip over it. This chapter is important because it will help you to recognize the everyday choices that you make within your marriage and help you to discover that you have the ability to make conscious rather than emotional choices.

Life is about choices

We cannot escape the responsibility of choice. Absolutely everything we do is a choice that we make: whether we speak or stay silent, what we say and when we say it, whether we leave or stay, where we go and what we do while we are there. Our lives are also a result of the choices we make. Because our lives are a result of the choices we make, then the choices you make right now will affect the rest of your life, including your marriage. Because your choices will affect your marriage—if you want to heal your marriage and make it better than before your affair—then all of your choices need to be conscious rather than emotional.

Let us then examine the difference between a conscious choice and an emotional choice. A conscious choice is a choice that is made to further a goal, while an emotional choice is one that is made simply to reflect your current emotion—pain, fear, anger, shame, etc. If you want to heal your marriage and make it better, the most important behavior that you can incorporate right now is to make all of your choices consciously with one goal in mind: to have your marriage contain the elements of a strong and happy marriage.

What are the elements of a strong and happy marriage?

a) Both partners behave in a kind and loving manner towards each other;

b) Both partners are supportive of each other in times of need;

c) Both partners respect each other;

d) Both partners are loyal to each other;

e) Both partners trust each other.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if each of these elements were currently present in your marriage? Well, they can be in the future. Each element probably is not present in your marriage at this time, however. First, let us examine why some of these key elements are not present in your marriage. Because you had an affair, the elements c, d, and e may not exist as far as your spouse is concerned. Your spouse has likely lost respect for your ability to make decisions and for your priorities, (c); they know that you have been disloyal to them, (d); and they do not trust your behavior, (e). Because these three elements may not exist for your spouse, your spouse is probably either unable or unwilling to contribute the first two elements to your marriage. It is therefore likely that they do not behave in a loving manner towards you, (a), and they are not supportive of you, (b).

Of all of these elements, respect is the most important. No one wants to be married to a person that they cannot respect. When you respect someone and their choices, loyalty and trust will follow. And because a person is unlikely to act in a loving and supportive manner towards someone that they do not respect, it only follows that this book will be about building respect.

Respect is crucial to a stable and happy marriage. Your spouse probably wants to feel respect for you. However, desiring to respect you again probably is not the only thing that your spouse is feeling right now: it is likely that your spouse is grieving. Grieving an infidelity is close to mourning a death—the spouse that they believed would be faithful no longer exists to them. When a person is grieving, they will experience shock, denial, pain, anger, and depression at different stages, sometimes all at once. Greif is a powerful and often overwhelming emotional state. If your spouse is also experiencing the physical symptoms that accompany grief, then they face an additional obstacle that may make it almost impossible for them to contribute crucial elements to your marriage in the beginning. This is why you are the partner who has the power to profoundly change your marriage at this time—and this is why I wrote this book for you, not your spouse.

Okay, you may be thinking that these elements were not present in your marriage prior to your affair. In fact, you may think that the reason you had an affair was because your marriage lacked these elements. Well, let me be the one to tell you that having an affair did not contribute to these elements—it only damaged your marriage further. The ultimate question is, do you continue to damage your marriage or do you contribute to your marriage in such a way that these elements will manifest? No one can answer this question but you. If your priority is to heal your marriage and make it better than it was before your affair, then the answer should be obvious.

I realize that you might be asking yourself, Why should I be the one to do anything to save my marriage? If you do not feel responsible for making the changes that will save and improve your marriage, then who should be the one to make these changes? Should it be your spouse? I have already told you that your spouse is probably grieving and incapable of doing the work at this time. Also, you need to keep in mind that the loss of respect, loyalty, and