Abuse in the Jewish Community: Religious and Communal Factors that Undermine the Apprehension of Offenders and the Treatment of Victims
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In this guide, psychologist Michael Salamon offers definitions of abuse and describes signs that should indicate to parents, teachers, and school officials that abuse might be occurring. Basic information about available methods of treatment is provided and the unique cultural conditions in the Orthodox Jewish community that make prevention and treatment so difficult is discussed.
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Abuse in the Jewish Community - Michael J. Salamon
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Contents
Preface
Acknowledgements
ONE: An Introduction
TWO: Defining Abuse
Abuse: A Definition
Grooming Behaviors and Depersonalization
The Impact of Abuse
THREE: Jewish Law
Chillul Hashem
Mesirah
Lashon Hora
FOUR: Cultural Issues
Survivorship
Daat Torah
FIVE: Conflicted Therapy, Conflicted Therapists
A Need for Therapy
Mixed Allegiance
Clients and Religion
SIX: The Consultation Room
A Learning Experience
Rabbinics in Therapy
SEVEN: Backlash
Going Forward
ADDENDUM
Abuse Prevention and Treatment Resources
Glossary
References
About the Author
Preface
It was only in the 1990s that the Catholic Church’s sexual abuse scandal in the United States began to hit the media in a significant way. Since the late 1980s though, there have been increasing reports of abuse by priests, reports that were circulated among parents, mental health professionals and community members. When the media began to report the scandal, and what the media has steadily reported since, is widely accepted as being only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this very large problem. A story in the Boston Globe in 2002 indicated that the Boston diocese secretly settled sex-abuse claims against over seventy priests going back at least ten years. At the same time a report from Arizona indicated that the Church settled an abuse case involving nine altar boys, another young man and four priests that allegedly began in the 1970s. In Ireland, the Church paid out over $110 million to settle hundreds of cases in which priests, nuns, Catholic school teachers and others sexually abused children. The Church in Germany is only now beginning to acknowledge a child sex abuse scandal going back forty years to the 1970s that continued for decades (Kulish 2010; Kulish and Donadio 2010). It has also been estimated that the Catholic Church’s scandal involves some 3000 priests and tens of thousands of victims; but while seemingly great in number, they are only a very small fraction of the actual number of individuals who have been abusing and those who have been hurt in these scandals worldwide (Donadio 2010; Sipe 1995). In Brussels a commission put together to study abuse by priests acknowledged that at least thirteen individuals abused by priests committed suicide, over 500 official complaints had been made over five decades and one as far back as ninety years and that many of the reports made to the Church hierarchy were ignored (Castle 2010).
Interestingly, the Church’s reactions suggest a bureaucracy that may be unable to maintain control over its representatives. Some have argued that because of the oaths of celibacy priests are required to take, the sexual abuse problem is a uniquely Catholic dilemma, but of course, sexuality and sexual acting out is not an exclusively Catholic problem. Every religious denomination has seen increased reporting of clerical abuse scandals. Not surprisingly, a nationwide survey done in 1998 found that one in four Protestant clergy members who do not have an oath of celibacy reported having sexual contact with someone other than a spouse (Thoburn and Balswick 1998).
In 1976 Hedda Nussbaum, a children’s book editor, and Joel Steinberg, an attorney who handled adoption cases, moved into an apartment together where they shared a chaotic, tumultuous, even abusive life. Under very questionable circumstances they took custody of two-year-old Lisa in 1981 and later another toddler named Mitchell. In 1987, according to police reports, Steinberg hit Lisa so severely that she died. Hedda did not report the situation to the police for approximately ten hours. This case of domestic violence made the newspapers and even today the mere mention of Hedda’s name elicits a strong reaction and heated discussion about domestic violence. Most argue that, from the pictures and descriptions of their lives together, Hedda was an abused wife and the case was an extreme example of domestic violence perpetrated by Steinberg on Nussbaum and Lisa. Others, while acknowledging the severe abuse that Hedda suffered, suggest that she was just as culpable for the death of the child. This is occasionally dismissed as an extreme case but others, no less horrific, are often reported in the media but too easily overlooked. For example, a former child-abuse prosecutor who worked in the District Attorney’s office and his wife were reported to have allegedly beaten their eight-year-old daughter for about seven hours while she was naked (Schram and Weiss 2010). It is only the paradox of the abusers’ professional experience that likely caused this case to receive any attention.
Interestingly, while the frequency of reports of violence and abuse are more common among the indigent and lower social classes, the actual levels of domestic violence are often reportedly far more severe in more affluent neighborhoods (Vick 2010; Siegel et al. 2003). This is one major reason why the the American Academy of Pediatrics prepared Guidelines for screening and reporting domestic violence and abuse. Pediatricians who care for middle- and upper-class children need also be aware of the signs and symptoms of abuse.
Such is the situation with abuse and violence, regardless of the form it takes. It is usually worse and more common than most of us wish to believe, it can exist in all neighborhoods and, to some degree, we are all somewhat culpable. How many of us have ignored the signs and sounds that indicate that someone is being abused. We have the ability to call the police, but we walk away. Most psychologists, psychiatrists and social workers, at least the honest ones, will tell you that a sizable proportion of the patients that they evaluate and treat have been traumatized in one form or another by some form of abuse. It is important to understand just what that means. What constitutes abuse, mistreatment, neglect, violence and trauma?
Abuse is not just the media-reported cases. Abuse consists of a variety of situations that impact peoples’ lives every day in painfully long-term ways. This is no less so in the Jewish world. We are told that Torah is transformative, and it is. According to the laws of the Torah we are admonished to not stand idly by when someone’s blood is being spilled. This admonition, of course, applies to violence and abuse as well. Yet, like all humans, we rationalize our reactions and much too often, we simply walk away. All people have their reasons for rationalizing. We do as well.
This text is an exploration of what abuse is, where it happens and how we, as a culture and a religion, rationalize our reactions to it. As a result I take a broad view of abuse and violence. This is not a book about one form or another – not domestic violence or childhood sexual abuse – but about the broader topic of mistreatment, trauma and violence. It is not an indictment but, unfortunately, it will be perceived that way by some. Some will see it as a personal attack and a wrongful accusation. If, however, this book succeeds in shining just one candle on the subject to help prevent the hurt, get help for those who have been hurt and to help us all better understand this topic, then it will have been all worthwhile. I have taken a contrarian approach at points not to be accused as someone who is not a believer. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a believer. I take certain positions in this book and in life because the landscape of the abuse issue is so misunderstood; so many people have been hurt and continue to be hurt that it is time to confront some of the dogma in a realistic, coherent but above all, honest and direct fashion. My sincerest hope is that, through this text, I can help as many people as possible to stop the trauma of violence and abuse.
Acknowledgements
There are many people that have had an influence on my desire to actually write this book. I must first acknowledge the patients I have evaluated and treated. In my most recent research for this text, I came across a list of patients that I was treating for disorders that were related to their history of abuse. I originally compiled this list of my patients with a history of abuse in 1995 when I first conceived the idea of confronting the topic in writing. At that time the list had almost twenty active names on it. These were individuals that I was working with at the time who had been abused in one form or another. In going through my records, I found that in the fifteen years since, there were over 100 other individuals who made it to my professional office for help in coping with the abuse and violence that they had suffered through. There are many reasons why I did not undertake the project fifteen years earlier, but perhaps among the most salient were three: that I somehow knew that I would benefit from more clinical practice and skill, that the community was not quite yet willing to believe that abuse existed and would not be willing to engage in an open discussion of the topic and that enhancing my writing experience would be beneficial and advantageous especially in light of this resistance. Well, as more cases have been made public and more research has shown that abuse is, indeed, a real problem, the community has begun to understand that it can no longer be denied. I trust that more will be written on the topic and that can only help us deal with it more efficaciously.
Getting a book published that can be seen as controversial is no easy task. Why an informative text is perceived as contentious likely says more about those who perceive it in that way than about me because there was no mean-spiritedness involved in writing it. My motivation was for the patients, families and all who might learn from my experiences evaluating, treating and researching this topic. I gratefully acknowledge Tzvi Mauer and his staff at Urim for their willingness, zeal and lack of fear in publishing books of this nature and getting them to market so professionally.
The patients that I have treated over the years with a history of abuse have been both a challenge and an inspiration. The challenge was not simply to help them in their recovery, but to present to society the evils that occur that remain hidden but should not. For if society would accept the reality of abuse, more would be done to prevent it. This inspiration was and continues to be the strength and determination needed and used by my patients to get better.
In 2003 I was approached to become a Board member of The Awareness Center, the International Jewish Coalition Against Sexual Abuse. I did not know much about the organization and, given my schedule, was hesitant to devote time to additional activities. I consulted with a few Rabbis who strongly urged me to join the Board and I ultimately did. The moving force behind The Awareness Center, Vicki Polin, is, like most trailblazers, a controversial person in the eyes of many people. Yet, if it were not for her vision, the discussion of childhood sexual abuse in Jewish communities might never have been addressed. She and others have been horribly vilified because of the work they do and the extremes they go to to help others. It is because of her own history of abuse – both in her family and later by a therapist – as well as her education, that she developed her approach. Many other organizations have since been spawned, but they all refer back to The Awareness Center in one form or another.
There are a host of other victim advocates, some of them survivors as well, whom I have met and worked with over the years. I am indebted to them all and wish to encourage them to continue, even redouble their efforts in a judicious manner, despite the frustration of the work and the attacks directed at them.
Many people have encouraged me to keep at the work that I do and also to continue writing about it as a way to disseminate this very necessary information. The publishers of the newspapers and other outlets that print or post some of the articles I and others have written on this and related topics should be commended. Not only are they of a similar mind, but they understand that the topic cannot be left dormant. The people who read the material I produce and respond to it in both a favorable or even critical manner provide encouragement.
Some of my well-read friends and acquaintances provide insight and direction. Among them are Elihu Baer, Vince Conte, Jerry Joszef, Max Scheer, Uri Foxbrunner, Elly Libin, Joey Adler, Mel Fodiman and Barnett Brickner, along with the others on the list serves and e-mail groups who always send personal anecdotes, encouragement and support.
My office assistant is second to none and I am always indebted to Indra Rampersad-Sinanan for all the help she provides along with the moral support, integrity and motivation she has.
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Every person needs a place where they not only feel safe, but actually are safe and protected. For most people, that place exists within their primary support network, their