A Hungry Man's Guide to Love

A HUNGRY MAN’S GUIDE TO LOVE

A Guide to Understanding Human Love and Herkanian Theory

By Jim Herk

****

Published by:

Jim Herk at Smashwords

Copyright (c) 1999-2014 by Jim Herk

****

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

Smashwords Edition Licence Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

****

Revised 2014

This book is dedicated to all those who, at some point in their lives, have wondered about the purpose and workings of love.

Table of Contents

Introduction

The Western View of Love

Our Western View of Love

The Ancient Greek View

The Early Christian View

The Courtiers of Love

The Modern Evolutionary View

Herkanian Theory

Conclusion

The Workings of Love

Love is an Emotional Response

Emotions

The Seesaw Affect

Feelings

Mood

Defining Emotions

The Social Role of Emotions

Love is a Part of Survival

Love and Loneliness

The Learning of Love

Understanding Love

Caring

Trust

Boredom

The Random Impact of Memory

Prediction, Anticipation, and Perception

What is Love

Defining Love

Kinds of Love

Love and Relationships are Built in Tandem

We can Love Anything

The Levels of Love

Building the Levels of Love

Moving Through the Levels of Love

Phila

Crush

Eros

Agape

Summary

The Building Blocks of Love

Forgiveness

Consistency

Communication

Time

Touch

The Words

Conclusion of the Building Blocks of Love

Love and Human Sexuality

Reproductive Strategies

Sex Drive

Eroticism

The Revolving Door Affect

Love and Human Sexuality

Sexual Preferences

The Role of Love in Sexuality

Conclusion of Sexuality

Marriage

The History of Marriage and Relational Drift

Dating

Courtship

Falling in Love

Romantic Love

Love in Marriage

Successful Marriages

Divorce

Summary of Marriage

The Trilogy of Love and Related Subjects

The Trilogy of Love

Faith

The development of Faith

The Building Blocks of Faith

Experiences

Fellowship

Testimony

Symbols

Miracles

Ritual

Prayer

Belief and Religion

Summary of Faith

Self-Love

Building Self-love

The Building Blocks of Self-love

Setting and Achieving Goals

Success

Relationships

Healthy Competition

Competition

Summary of Self-love

Conclusion of the Book

Bibliography

Diagrams

Glossary of Emotions and Moods

Introduction

When I was growing up in the 60’s and the 70’s the world had just begun to talk about the concept of recycling, recycling being the concept of reusing what already exists in order to conserve the earth’s vital resources. In my High School years I was involved with several school projects that involved the recycling of newspapers, bottles and aluminum cans. Our ski club for example was able to raise enough money, through the recycling of newspapers, to help fund a weeklong ski trip in the Cascade Mountains.

What, you might ask does recycling in the 60’s and 70’s have to do with understanding the phenomena of love and Herkanian Theory in the 2000’s and beyond? The answer to that question lies not in the fact that I participated in the beginnings of the recycling movement. Rather the answer lies in the definition of recycling itself. You see Herkanian Theory is not a new idea gleaned from new sources. Herkanian Theory is the reconfiguration and the redefining of already existing ideas into a new form. Herkanian Theory is composed of those recycled idea that we, as individuals and communities, have learned over time to be true about love, ideas that have stood the test of time and ideas that have proven themselves to be a piece of the truth that fits into the puzzle that we call life.

My message, to you the reader, then is that Herkanian Theory is a new understanding of love based the truths that we as a human race have long possessed about love. In the children’s movie classic the Wizard of Oz, there is a line near the end of the movie. A line in which Glenda the Good Witch says to Dorothy, the same Dorothy who has just missed the Wizard’s hot air balloon leaving for Kansas, My dear you have always possessed the power to go home. You just had to learn how to use it.

In a sense we human beings are all like Dorothy when it comes to love. We all possess the power of love, yet we need some guidance that will put us on the right tract so that we can build the love we need with greater insight and greater purpose. The value and the goal of Herkanian Theory, then is not to throw away the old in favor of the new.

Its value is in helping us to understand in greater depth what we already know.

When I was growing up love in my view of the world simply was. I never questioned its existence or its feeling, at least not within the context of my family, friends, or community. Love, in my view, simply was. It was not until I began to enter adolescence and my High School years that I began to question the working of love. In those years it occurred to me that my parents and the church promoted a relational kind of love, yet my peers and the community at large seemed to view love as a sexual phenomenon. In the company of my peers and strangers I learned that I had to be careful about the word love. Because in their view I was describing not a relational bond, but a sexual preference. Saying it in the wrong context or to the wrong person then put me at risk of being labeled a sexual outcast or weird.

At Lazy F, a Methodist Church Camp, I met a wonderful counselor named Francis Draggoo. She helped lessen the confusing that we all felt about love. She introduced us to the notion that different kinds of relationships were bonded by different kinds of love. It was an idea that made sense at the time. The idea that there was a different kind of love for family, for friends, for lovers and for God was an idea that allowed us the freedom to express and talk about love without the confusion of its sexual undertones. Yet even though understanding love this way made sense and made love less confusing it did not satisfy all of my questions about love. Questions such as why does the English language have only one word to describe love; and why does love feel basically the same whenever we feel it regardless of what triggered its feeling?

One year in the late 70’s I took a job at Seattle Pacific University as a custodian working the graveyard shift. It was there in the wee hours of the night and in the midst of a lonely and monotonous job that the spirit touched me and I began to search in earnest for the meaning of love. From that moment on I began at every opportunity to read about love, think about love, and to formulate my ideas about love and its working

Over the course of my journey to understand love, I graduated from college, started a teaching career, and had two daughters with my wife, Roberta. I read every book that I could find on love and its related subjects. I read Leo Buscallia’s wonderful book called Love, a book that I recommend highly. I read C.S. Lewis’s Four Loves. I read books on self-love, on faith, on caring, on trust, and on sexuality. Yet in all my readings and my searching I never found a book that clearly explained the role of love in terms of how it works or its ultimate goal.

Herkanian Theory and this book, then, is an attempt to share all that I have learned about love. It is a sharing that is an attempt to clearly define the role and function of love in the evolution of human life. But more importantly, it is an attempt to help those who come to know Herkanian Theory to find a deeper and more meaningful understanding of one of life’s most profound and powerful forces, the power of love.

Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz was a character who began a journey to find her way home after being thrust into a world that she did not know. Once she gained possession of the ruby slippers she gained the power to leave Oz at anytime. Yet, because she had no understanding in terms of how to gain access to her power, she had no choice but to follow the yellow brick road in her search for a way back to Kansas. If Dorothy had understood the power of her ruby slippers, her journey would have been less eventful, and at the same time she would have experienced a greater level of success.

The hope, then of Herkanian Theory, is that those who come to understand it will find greater success in the building and maintenance of love and relationships, a success that will be driven by a greater sense of purpose and understanding in the role of love, and an understanding that will be enhanced as the reader comes to understand the Herkanian Theory of Love.

Herkanian Theory

The Western View of Love

HT-1 The Herkanian view of love holds that love is a phenomenon that can be built with purpose and understanding. It holds that all human beings can be builders of love, as opposed to being the victims of love. Love in the Herkanian view is primarily a phenomenon of survival. Human sexuality, sexual thoughts and sexual feelings of course play a role in the development and the expression of love, but it is a role. It is not the reason or the underlying evolutionary function of love. Herkanian Theory holds that the primary evolutionary role and function of love is survival.

Welcome to A Hungry Man’s Guide to Love; one of the most important books that you will every read, if not the most important. That is because A Hungry Man’s Guide to Love is a book written about the most important and most powerful motivator of human behavior that has ever evolved. That motivator is the phenomenon that we all understand as love. Throughout my life, and I am sure yours as well, there have been those times when the meaning and purpose of love has seemed clear, at a wedding, when a group of old friends get together, or even a funeral. Yet, in truth, those times are few and far between. For the majority of my life, and I am sure yours as well, love has been best described as a stranger, a stranger that is unknown, confusing and baffling; a mystery, if you will. Some twenty or more years ago I decided that I needed to understand more about this mystery that we call love. And so, love; in affect became my hobby, my hobby in part because love is a mystery and I love the challenge of solving a good mystery but, more importantly, I have always had a sense that love was somehow critically important to my life and well being. A sense of importance that I am sure you share or you would not be reading this book.

A Hungry Man’s Guide to Love is a book divided into eight sections. The first section describes our Western Understanding of Love, those schools of thought that have served to form both our understanding and our confusion about love. The next section describes the Workings of Love, first by talking about those biological systems that allow us to feel love and then by describing how love works to bond relationships. Defining Love is the next section. It works to help us define the phenomenon of love. The Levels of Love, then, describes the levels of trusted caring that love moves through as it bonds a relationship. The Building Blocks of Love describes those actions that build love in any relationship. Then, Love and Human Sexuality talks about how love and sexuality are connected. Marriage talks about how love bonds a marriage relationship. Then, the final section of the book The Trilogy of Love and Related Subjects speaks to faith and self-love and their connection to love.

To help you in your reading and in your understanding of love I have written short sections of reading on each topic. In addition I have included with each section a piece labeled HT or Herkanian Theory. If you are short on time, or if you just want a quick over view before you begin reading, you might just read the HT part of each section because that alone would give you a good over view of love and Herkanian Theory. However if you want a deeper understanding of Herkanian Theory, read each section, including the attached HT, over a period of time. Don’t rush. Take your time and absorb what this book has to offer, for this is a book that will give you the tools to enhance your life and your relationships with others.

Section One

Our

Western

Understanding

Of Love

Our Western View of Love

In Western culture, our modern view of love is not one view. It is in fact a composition of four historical schools of thought that have both molded and influenced our Western understanding of love. Some three thousand years ago the ancient Greeks began to shape our modern Western view of love with the idea that love defined relationships and that, we, as human beings are very much the victims of love’s power. After the birth and resurrection of Jesus Christ, the early Christian community began to add to the modern notion of love by coming to see love as a force of bonding between individuals, communities and God. A bonding that could be undermined by sexuality. And so, for the Early Christians sexuality had to be closely monitored and controlled to prevent it from undermining the power of love. In the middle-ages, a group of well-to-do women whose husbands were off fighting in the Crusades added to our Western view of love by adding the notion that love was a sexual game played between men and women. Then at the close of the 1800’s, our Modern Western View of Love was once again added to by the development of, what I refer to as, the Modern Evolutionary View of Love, a view which began its development in response to the world’s acceptance of evolutionary theory. The Modern Evolutionary View of love brought to our Western understanding of love the notion that every feeling of love is directly or indirectly motivated by sexual need or desire. Because in the Modern Evolutionary View reproduction is key to the survival of a species therefore love must be a function of sexuality. Motivating individuals to bond with others for the purpose of reproduction.

In the 1970’s a new notion of love was born that notion being Herkanian Theory. Herkanian Theory is the idea that love is not a function of sexuality but rather love is a function of survival. The evolutionary role of which is to motivate