Butchering The Bible Part Two: The Valley of the Shadow of Myth

PART TWO

The Valley of the Shadow of Myth

Copyright 2014 Rafael Paulino

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...(The) Jews are so hardened that they listen to nothing; though overcome by testimonies they yield not an inch.

Martin Luther

Table Talk (1569), pg 863

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Title Page

Introduction

THE BOOK OF EZRA

Cyrus lets the People go

Numbers of the People

The Troublemakers

The Scribe and the King

Coming to Jerusalem

Racial De-Mixing

THE BOOK OF NEHEMIAH

Bearing the Cup

Straightening Things Out

The Sowing of Mischief

The Whatchamacallit of Jerusalem

The Words of the Law

Confessional

Statistics

Dedication of the Wall

The Reign of the Hate-a-Raider

THE BOOK OF ESTHER

Saving Face

Cinder-Esther

A Man after Hitler’s Heart

Applying the Pressure

Before the Banquet

Outmaneuvered

Planning for Genocide

The Pogrom

THE BOOK OF JOB

Perfect and Upright

The Devil Doubles Down

Curse the Day

Born to Trouble

Arrows of the Almighty

Perverting Justice

The Hand of the Wicked

Deeper than Hell

Trusting in God

The Tongue of the Crafty

Tears unto God

The King of Terrors

Afraid of the Sword

Bones Full of Sin

Drinking of the Wrath

The Light Shall Shine

The Shadow of Death

Integrity and Righteousness

Fear is Wisdom

The Good Old Days

Closing his Case

Elihu Butteth In

The Princess Speaks

The Princess Rubbeth It In

Happily Ever After

THE BOOK OF PSALMS

THE BOOK OF PROVERBS

THE BOOK OF ECCLESIASTES

THE SONG OF SOLOMON

THE BOOK OF ISAIAH

Vision

Word

Assignment

A Message for Ahaz

The Talking of Smack

The Pipe Dream

The Burden of Babylon

The Burden of Moab

The Burden of Damascus

The Burden of Egypt

Burden after Burden

The Burden of Tyre

Rock Bottom

Pointless Thanking

Woe after Woe

The Destruction to Come

The Way of Holiness

A Dire Warning

Adding Days

Words of Comfort

The Holy One of Israel

World without End

The Ravishing of Babylon

O House of Jacob

Special Deliverance

The Lord’s Bounty

On Idolatry

Darkness as Noon

Noonday as Dark

Thy Light Is Come

Stained with Blood

The New Earth

The Slain of the Lord

THE BOOK OF JEREMIAH

A Word from the Lord

Words of Fury

More Words of Fury

Words about the Covenant

Good for Nothing

Words of Wrath

The Taking of Peace

The Lesson of the Potter

The Valley of Slaughter

Judea for Free

Words for Zedekiah

The Lord Our Righteousness

Yeah, That Figs

Words Unhearkened To

Words for the People

God Sponsors Babylon

The Duel of the Prophets

Prophecy by Mail

Taking Dictation

Taking Dictashun

Taking Dicktashun

Taking Dick

Words unto the Rechabites

On a Roll

In-and-Out Prophet

Consequences

Exoding back to Egypt

Words against Egypt

Words against the Philistines

Words against Moab

Words against many Peoples

Words against Babylon

The End of the Beginning, Again

THE BOOK OF EZEKIEL

Creatures and Wheels

Who’s your Daddy?

Who’s your Jigsaw?

The Tirade against Israel

Wicked Abominations

The Mark of the Lord

The Lord of Hypocrisy

Here’s your Sign

Wall of the Non-Prophets

Idol Jealousy

Out of the Frying Pan

Playing the Harlot

God likes Trees

The Sinners Shall Die

Cutting Israel off in Traffic

The Fire and the Sword

Tripping the Guilty

No Love for Hos

Cooking with God

The Tirade against many Peoples

The Tirade against Tyrus

The Tirade against Egypt

The Finger of the Lord

The Flocking Shepherds

Go and tell it to the Mountain

For My Name’s Sake

Dead Men Disappearing

Teaching with Sticks

Gog in the Machine

The Promised Land 2.0

THE BOOK OF DANIEL

Among the Eunuchs

Trick Question

Trick Answer

Babylonian Idol

The Most High Ruleth

The Graffiti of the Lord

Dances with Lions

Dreaming of Electric Bleep

Daniel the Confessor

A Friendly Warning

The Long Hard Prophecy

THE BOOK OF HOSEA

Hosea’s Baby Mama

The Lord Talks Trash

Of Whoredom and Wine

Thou Shalt See

Of Thieves and Kings

Shame on Israel

The Lord of Nostalgia

No God but Me

THE BOOK OF JOEL

Desolation-o-Rama

The Army of the Lord

The Valley of Decision

THE BOOK OF AMOS

A Roaring from Zion

No More Chances

To Gag a Maggot

The Basket of Case

Setting up the Evil

THE BOOK OF OBADIAH

THE BOOK OF JONAH

Jonah gets the Runs

A Fish gets Indigestion

Nineveh gets the Message

Jonah throws a Tantrum

THE BOOK OF MICAH

THE BOOK OF NAHUM

THE BOOK OF HABAKKUK

THE BOOK OF ZEPHANIAH

THE BOOK OF HAGGAI

THE BOOK OF ZECHARIAH

THE BOOK OF MALACHI

Next Time on Butchering the Bible

OUTRO

Appendix: Some More Proofs for God’s Existence

Introduction

At the Author’s request, the introductory materials have been moved to the suspiciously-named Outro section, so that those Readers who have only downloaded the demo version of this book can read slightly more of the actual text.

Thank you for your patience.

The Book Of

EZRA

Cyrus lets the People go

1:1—11

Now in the first year of Cyrus king of Persia, that the word of the Lord by the mouth of Jeremiah might be fulfilled, the Lord stirred up the spirit of Cyrus king of Persia, that he made a proclamation throughout all his kingdom, and put it also in writing, saying,

Thus saith Cyrus king of Persia, The Lord God of Heaven hath given me all the kingdoms of the earth; and he hath charged me to build him an house in Jerusalem, which is in Judah.

Ezra 1:1 – 2 KJV

WELL, THAT’S JUST GREAT.

Cyrus shows the Jews a little mercy… and they make him into a propaganda tool.

That is so typical.

The Narrative then goes on to state that Cyrus the Great exhorted the people to help the Jews on their way by giving them silver, gold, goods, beasts, and even farewell offerings… probably just so that they wouldn’t have to do some more Hebrew-style borrowing.

Cyrus also gave back all of the silver and golden vessels that his predecessors had taken from the house of the Lord—a.k.a. the Dream Mansion—handing them over to some guy named Sheshbazzar, who the text refers to as the prince of Judah.

The Jews quickly took their loot and scooted.

Numbers of the People

2:1—3:13

Disclaimer: The Bible would like everyone to know that the following is not a census.

I repeat: It is NOT a census.

For the Lord does not condone the, um, censusing of his people Israel.

Now these are the children of the province that went up out of the captivity, of those which had been carried away, whom Nebuchadnezzar the king of Babylon had carried away unto Babylon, and came again unto Jerusalem and Judah, every one unto his city.

Ezra 2:1 KJV

The children of Israel, by their cities: Parosh (2172), Shephatiah (372), Arah (775), Pahath-moab (2812), Elam (1254), the other Elam (1254), Zattu (945), Zaccai (760), Bani (642), Bebai (623), Azgad (1222), Adonikam (666. Run Christian run), Bigvai (2056), Adin (454), Ater of Hezekiah (98), Bezai (323), Jorah (112), Hashum (223), Gibbar (95), Bethlehem (123), Netophah (56), Anathoth (128), Azmaveth (42); Kirjath-arim, Chephirah, and Beeroth (743); Ramah and Gaba (621); Beth-el and Ai (223); Michmas (122), Nebo (52), Magbish (156), Harim (320), Jericho (345), Senaah (3630); and Lod, Hadid, and Ono (725). Grand Total: 24,144.

The children of the priests, by their cities: Jedaiah (973), Immer (1052), Pashum (1247), and Harim (1017). Grand Total: 4289.

The children of the Levites (from Jeshua, Kadmiel, and Hodaviah): 74.

The singing children of Asaph: 128.

The children of the porters (from Shallum, Ater, Talmon, Akkub, Hatita, and Shobai): 139.

The Nethinims (the servants of the Levites) and the children of Solomon’s servants (from 45 different cities): 392.

The children of Delaiah, Tobiah, and Nekoda: 652.

After listing so many anonymous extras, the Narrative takes a moment to mention some children of the priests, whose names were not found in the register, among those that were reckoned by genealogy… therefore were they, as polluted, put from the priesthood.

So they considered these guys polluted… because they could not prove their lineages?

Yeah, that sounds about right.

The whole congregation together was forty and two thousand three hundred and threescore.

Ezra 2:64 KJV

Well, actually: The numbers quoted above give an overall total of 29,818, not 42,360.

But, then again: The polluted priests and their brothers from the cities of Tel-melah, Tel-harsa, Cherub, Addan, and Immer, who also could not prove their genealogy, could conceivably have totaled 12,542, making up the balance.

Or maybe it was the women and children that they weren’t counting.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

The mathematically-challenged Israelites—

How’s that for political correctness?

…enjoyed the services of 7337 servants and maids—including 200 singers—736 horses, 245 mules, 435 camels, and 6720 asses.

And, no: Those numbers add up to 15,473, not 12,542.

Damn it, quit playing around with your calculator app!

I mean it!

Don’t make me have to come find you!

And some of the chiefs of the fathers, when they came to the house of the Lord which is at Jerusalem, offered freely for the house of God to set it up in his place.

Ezra 2:68 KJV

The chief fathers’ freewill offerings totaled a staggering 61,000 drams of gold, 5000 pounds of silver, and 100 priest’s garments.

And it came to pass that, in the seventh month of their first year out of captivity, the Jews gathered together in Jerusalem to keep the feast of tabernacles.

With the Dream Mansion not yet rebuilt, Governor Zerubbabel Shealtielson and High Priest Jeshua Jozadakson had some people jury-rig an altar so that they could make their offerings to the Lord… for they knew Necessity well, and also her son, Invention.

It was not until the second month of the second year that the new Dream Mansion’s foundation was finally laid down.

That was when the problems began.

The Troublemakers

4:1—6:22

WHEN THE LOCAL adversaries of Judah and Benjamin heard that the Israelites were rebuilding the Mansion, they decided to throw some wrenches into the works… the un-evolved monkey kind.

Their first plan was to offer the Jews some… help.

For once—wonder of wonders—the Israelites refused to take people at their word.

Then the people of the land weakened the hands of the people of Judah, and troubled them in building.

Ezra 4:4 KJV

Weakened their hands, did they?

That was wrong on so many levels.

According to the next verse, the troublemakers also hired counselors to frustrate their purpose, from the days of Cyrus to those of Darius, Great to Great.

They did this by writing letters.

That’s right: Letters.

"Damn it, Captain! They were counselors, not some kind of warfare technicians!" saith Bones.

The first letter that they beamed out was addressed to Ahasuerus, Cyrus’ successor. He never got back to them.

Fortunately, they had much better luck with the next guy.

King Artaxerxes, as it happened, totally bought into their accusations, and gave the adversaries permission to do whatever they had to in order to stop the Israelites from rebuilding Jerusalem.

Although the text says that the troublemakers used force and power to make the Jews cease and desist, it says nothing about any battles… which suggests that the Children might have lost a lot of their chutzpah during the captivity.

And it came to pass that, in the fullness of time– well, actually, in the second year of the reign of Darius the Great, but whatever—the prophets Zechariah Iddoson and Haggai finally gave their countrymen the all-clear, and the reconstruction of the Dream Mansion resumed.

And then—as surely as a stopped-up toilet follows a good dump—the adversaries re-entered the picture from stage left, attempting to use their evil letter-writing magic on Darius.

Their correspondence did not produce the desired effect, however, as the king’s men found Cyrus’ decree when he ordered them to search the Persian archives.

As it happened, Darius proved to be even more helpful than his predecessor, commanding that a part of the tribute beyond the river be given to the Jews in charge of the Mansion’s construction.

They were also to be given whatever they needed for their sacrifices: bullocks, rams, lambs, wheat, salt, etc.

According to the Narrative, Darius the (supposedly) Great ended his letter to the troublemakers with this verse:

And the God that hath caused his name to dwell there destroy all kings and people, that shall put to their hand to alter and to destroy this house of God which is at Jerusalem. I Darius have made a decree; let it be done with speed.

Ezra 6:12 KJV

And so, finally: After so much unshed blood, a little sweat, and no actual tears, the Israelites finished their rebuilding of the Dream Mansion.

Incredibly, the text claims that this was done according to the commandment of not only God, but Cyrus, Darius, and Artaxerxes king of Persia… the same guy who had originally halted the Mansion’s reconstruction.

Way to remain consistent, Bible man.

And the children of Israel, which were come again out of captivity, and all such as had separated themselves unto them from the filthiness of the heathen of the land, to seek the Lord God of Israel, did eat (of the Passover feast).

Ezra 6:21 KJV

Oh, and thanks again for reminding me of why I’m writing this book.

The Scribe and the King

7:1—28

OKAY, NOW I’M TOTALLY CONFUSED.

According to verse 7:1, the events in this chapter supposedly took place after these things—i.e. chapter 6—yet they somehow took place during the reign of Artaxerxes.

So, unless the Narrative took the Way-The-Hell-Back Machine out of its mothballing again, there were actually two kings named Artaxerxes: the one who halted the Mansion’s reconstruction… and then this second one, who wrote a letter to Ezra the prophet—who’d finally bothered to show up, seven chapters into his own book—in which he expressed his willingness to help the Israelites in terms so similar to the late Darius’ that he might as well have been his ghostwriter.

Here’s a (semi) random sample verse from the letter, just to show you that I care:

And whosoever will not do the law of thy God, and the law of the king, let judgment be executed speedily upon him, whether it be unto death, or to banishment, or to confiscation of goods, or to imprisonment.

Ezra 7:26 KJV

Coming to Jerusalem

8:1—36

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE BIBLE, a writer switches from third-person to first-person as—from 7:27 through 9:15—Ezra the prophet tells the story of his coming to Jerusalem and the events that took place directly afterwards, saying:

These are now the chief of their fathers, and this is the genealogy of them that went up with me from Babylon, in the reign of Artaxerxes the king.

Ezra 8:1 KJV

You know: For people who didn’t even know what genes were, these guys considered them way too important.

So, anyway, here is the list (if only because the Book of Ezra is so short that I need to pad this section anyway):

1. Gershon Phinehasson

2. Daniel Ithamarson

3. Hattush Davidson

4. Zechariah Pharoshson (w/ 150 males)

5. Elihoenai Zerahiahson (w/ 200 males)

6. Anonymous Jehazielson (w/ 300 males)

7. Ebed Jonathanson (w/ 50 males)

8. Jeshaiah Athaliahson (w/ 70 males)

9. Zebadiah Michaelson (w/ 80 males)

10. Obadiah Jehielson (w/ 218 males)

11. Anonymous Josiphiahson (w/ 160 males)

12. Zechariah Bebaison (w/ 28 males)

13. Johanan Hakkatanson (w/ 110 males)

14. Eliphelet, Jeiel, and Shemaiah Adonikamson (w/ 60 males)

15. Uthai and Zabbud Bigvaison (w/ 70 males)

After Ezra and company had been camping out at the Ahava River for three days, the prophet realized that he was the only Levite in the camp, and decided to send some guys out to bring him some more.

Specifically, these guys:

1. Eliezer

2. Ariel

3. Shemaiah

4. Jarib

5. Zechariah

6. Meshullam

7. Joiarib

8. Nathan

9. And a whopping three Elnathans

When EZ sent these guys to see Iddo, the chief of the place Casiphia, the Iddiot sent back the following ministers:

1. Sherabiah Mahlison (w/ 17 males)

2. Hashabiah and Jeshaiah Merarison (w/ 18 males)

3. 200 Nethinims expressed by name (whatever that means)

Then I proclaimed a fast there, at the river of Ahava, that we might afflict ourselves before our God, to seek of him a right way for us, and for our little ones, and for all our substance.

Ezra 8:21 KJV

I so did not need to know that.

Before the company left the Ahava for Jerusalem, Ezra took Sherabiah, Hashabiah, and ten of their brethren aside and divided all of the gold, silver, and offerings that were to be dedicated to the Mansion among them, for safekeeping.

And so, on the twelfth day of Aries, EZ Company started walking down the Yellow Hick Road, arriving in Jerusalem, um… later that year.

After abiding in the city for the required three days, the Company finally turned the Lord’s loot over to his priests and helped make burnt offerings of 12 bullocks, 96 rams, and 77 lambs, and also made a sin offering of 12 he goats.

Finally, after they were all nice and bloody, the men delivered the king’s commission to his lieutenants and governors, and they furthered the people, and the house of God.

That’s nice.

Racial De-Mixing

9:1—10:44

EVENTUALLY, word got around that EZ was the prophet to talk to when things needed to get done.

So the local princes came and told him that the people of Israel, and the priests, and the Levites had been mixing their holy seed with other peoples, and doing according to their abominations.

And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down astonied.

Ezra 9:3 KJV

After spending the rest of the afternoon pulling off a passable impersonation of George W. Bush on 9/11, Ezra stood up… and then promptly fell on his face.

To pray. Not because he was dizzy.

He thanked the Lord his God for delivering the undeserving people of Israel from their captivity—

Author: To which he’d delivered them in the first place.

He begged the Lord to show the people mercy for their trespasses—

Author: To some chicken-shittim laws that the Holy Wizard himself had arbitrarily enacted.

He—

You know what?

In order to keep a certain wiseacre from interrupting this story again, I’m just going to quote a not-at-all-random verse, just so we can keep the party going:

Now when Ezra had prayed, and when he had confessed, weeping and casting himself down before the house of God, there assembled unto him out of Israel a very great congregation of men and women and children: for the people wept very sore.

Ezra 10:1 KJV

Well played, Bible man. Well played.

After the people had gotten done crying the Lord a river—

The Pantywastes?

…EZ made them swear to get rid of all of their strange wives and such as (were) born of them.

It took them—you guessed it—three whole months to process all of the divorce papers.

Someone must have been running quite the racket in strange wives back then.

The Book Of

NEHEMIAH

Bearing the Cup

1:1—4:23

DURING THE REIGN OF KING ARTAXERXES OF PERSIA—the Jew-friendly one—a man named Nehemiah prayed to the Lord his God in first-person, both fasting and threatening to actually slow down the Narrative with his maniacal weeping.

He pined for the days before the captivity, when Jerusalem was still whole and his people had not yet sinned against God.

He—

You know what?

Screw this.

Let him say it.

O Lord, I beseech thee, let now thine ear be attentive to the prayer of thy servant, and to the prayer of thy servants, who desire to fear thy name: and prosper, I pray thee, thy servant this day, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man. For I was the king’s cupbearer.

Nehemiah 1:11 KJV

Well, there’s a twist I never saw coming…

So, anyway: Once upon a day, while Nehemiah was busy holding his cup, Artaxerxes asked him why he looked so sad.

Without further ado, the Fluffer—

What?

(Clears throat)

The Fluffer—holder of Artaxerxes’ cup—told him about the crappy condition that the city of Jerusalem was in, and then—after sending a heartfelt prayer to the Big Package in the sky—convinced the king to send him to Jerusalem, so that he might rebuild it.

And then Number One made it so.

After an uneventful trip to the City of Broken Screams, the Fluffer spent three days just dicking around, before sneaking out at night with a few men—

What?!

Why are you looking at me like that?

(Clears throat again, more peremptorily)

So, anyway: Nehemiah took some men out that night to get a better look at just how decrepit Jerusalem had become, and to get a better idea of how much work they had ahead of them.

Early the next morning, the Fluffer and his men gathered a vast force of repairmen, and started handing out their work orders.

Among the standouts on this list were:

1. The Hassenaahson Brothers: Repairers of the fish-gate

2. Malchiah Rechabson: Repairer of the dung-gate

3. Ezer Jeshuason: Repairer of another piece over against the going up to the armoury at the turning of the wall (3:19)

4. The Priests: Repairers (from) above the horse gate… every one over against his house (3:28)

As the work progressed, some problems reared their ugly heads.

Specifically, a problem child named Sanballat the Horonite, his servant Tobiah—the Ammonite—and their friends, the Arabians and Ashdodites.

These men became very wroth when they found out that the city wall of Jerusalem was going up; apparently, having all of that stone in the way would make it that much harder for them to mock the people.

So they got together and conspired to come and fight against Jerusalem, so that they could hinder it.

It seems that they’d never heard of the Hebrew Grapevine.

Oh, the irony.

After being duly informed of the plotters’ machinations, the Israelites set rotating repairman/watchman shifts, so that there would always be armed warriors around to defend the wall—

So neither I, nor my brethren, nor my servants, nor the men of the guard which followed me, none of us put off our clothes, saving that every one put them off for washing.

Nehemiah 4:23 KJV

After all of that time, the clothes probably walked off to the river by themselves…

Straightening Things Out

5:1—19

NEHEMIAH—who had belatedly remembered to mention that Artaxerxes had made him the freaking governor of Jerusalem—had been so busy rebuilding said city that he’d been neglecting the other aspects of his job.

Then he started hearing the complaints.

Fortunately, no one was complaining about him.

They were complaining about the nobles, who—it would seem—were robbing the people blind.

Oh my, what a novel plot twist!

And I was very angry when I heard their cry and these words.

Then I consulted with myself, and I rebuked the nobles, and the rulers, and said unto them, Ye exact usury, every one of his brother. And I set a great assembly against them.

Nehemiah 5:6 – 7 KJV

Hell yeah!

You tell ‘em, Fluffer!

You should totally—

Also I said, It is not good that ye do: ought ye not to walk in the fear of our God because of the reproach of the heathen our enemies?

Nehemiah 5:9 KJV

Say what?!

I nicknamed you even more accurately than I thought, you God-obsessed ego-stroker!

And so Nehemiah called on his skills in Lie Chi and issued a Palm Strike to the nobles’ ego, ordering them to give the people back their lands and property, and also the hundredth part of (their) money… giving a whole new meaning to the term 1-Percenter.

The Fluffer then spent the rest of the chapter stroking his own ego, bragging about how he and his many many men had never had to fleece the people in order to provide for themselves.

The Sowing of Mischief

6:1—19

AFTER THE WALL OF JERUSALEM had been completed—but before the gates had been installed—Sanballat and his friend Geshem the Arabian requested a meeting with Nehemiah.

The Fluffer wasn’t about to fall for such an obvious ploy—

And I sent messengers unto them, saying, I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down: why should the work cease, whilst I leave it, and come down to you?

Nehemiah 6:3 KJV

Being a little bit later on the uptake, the Heathen Harriers sent Nehemiah four more letters.

Then Sanballat switched tactics, and sent his servant Tobiah around with another letter, which stated that he’d been hearing some rumors to the effect that the Jews were rebuilding Jerusalem because they planned to rebel against Persia and make Nehemiah their new king.

The Fluffer sent a letter right back, accusing Sanballat of just stating what he thought.

To be fair, he was probably right.

And then it came to pass, some time later, that Nehemiah visited an extra named Shemaiah, who was shut up in his house.

When Shemaiah proposed that they hide in the temple—so that the hit men that Sanballat would surely be sending after the Fluffer could not find him—Nehemiah’s Spi– I mean, his, um, Jesus-Sense started tingling—

And, lo, I perceived that God had not sent him; but that he pronounced this prophecy against me: for Tobiah and Sanballat had hired him.

Nehemiah 6:12 KJV

So the Fluffer stiffened his upper lip, and completed the wall’s erec– I mean, its, um, construction.

And then, just for the sheer pleasure of it, he did some more ego-stroking, saying:

And it came to pass, that when all our enemies heard thereof, and all the heathen that were about us saw these things, they were much cast down in their own eyes: for they perceived that this work was wrought of our God.

Nehemiah 6:16 KJV

The Whatchamacallit of Jerusalem

7:1—73

NEHEMIAH PUT HIS BROTHER HANANI and some tool named Hananiah—the ruler of the palace—in charge of the day-to-day management of Jerusalem.

And then it occurred to him that he wasn’t even sure of how many people lived in the city—

And my God put into mine heart to gather together the nobles, and the rulers, and the people, that they might be reckoned by genealogy. And I found a register of the genealogy of them which came up at the first, and found written therein—

Nehemiah 7:5 KJV

This was apparently the same reckoning by genealogy—do not use the C-word—that was quoted in Numbers of the People (see Ezra).

Of course, Nehemiah contributed to the Narrative’s contradiction quotient by getting over a third of the numbers on that list wrong.

EZ and the Fluffer disagreed on the following data points:

1. The children of Arah: Ezra (775), Nehemiah (652)

2. The children of Pahath-moab: Ezra (2812), Nehemiah (2818)

3. The children of Zattu: Ezra (945), Nehemiah (845)

4. The children of Binnui (Ezra: Bani): Ezra (642), Nehemiah (648)

5. The children of Bebai: Ezra (623), Nehemiah (628)

6. The children of Azgad: Ezra (1222), Nehemiah (2322)

7. The children of Adonikam: Ezra (666), Nehemiah (667)

8. The children of Bigvai: Ezra (2056), Nehemiah (2067)

9. The children of Adin: Ezra (454), Nehemiah (655)

10. The children of Bezai: Ezra (323), Nehemiah (324)

11. The children of Hashum: Ezra (223), Nehemiah (328)

12. The children of Bethlehem and Netophah: Ezra (123 + 56 = 179), Nehemiah (188)

13. The children of Beth-el and Ai: Ezra (223), Nehemiah (123)

14. The children of Lod, Hadid, and Ono: Ezra (725), Nehemiah (721)

15. The children of Senaah: Ezra (3630), Nehemiah (3930)

16. The children of Asaph: Ezra (128), Nehemiah (148)

17. The children of Shallum, Ater, Talmon, etc.: Ezra (139), Nehemiah (138)

18. The children of Delaiah, Tobiah, and Nekoda: Ezra (652), Nehemiah (642)

Additionally, the Book of Ezra lists