Games

Chapter 1

Shay cried all the way home. Her first sexual experience was supposed to bring her joy. It did, for a moment. Then the guilt of committing fornication overwhelmed her, sending ecstasy out the window. She no longer felt like a secure twenty-three-year-old woman. Willfully committing sin brought an instant feeling of shame and vulnerability that she’d never known before. And exposure. She felt as if the driver of every passing vehicle on I-680 knew she wasn’t a virgin anymore. Everyone knew she’d just spent two hours in the bed of a man that wasn’t her husband and for the most part, enjoyed it.

She didn’t feel worthy of any favors from God, but she was thankful her mother and stepfather were already in bed when she arrived home. Shay didn’t have the strength to face anyone; right now she could barely face herself. Inside her bathroom she soaked in a hot bubble bath and tried to understand why and how she ended up in bed with Brian Pennington.

They were introduced to each other over three years ago, shortly before her mother married his father. With only an eleven-month difference in their ages, they had a lot of things in common. From the beginning they were inseparable and instantly became best buddies. Back then, Brian was someone for her to hang out and debate with, nothing more. At least that’s what she tried to make herself believe. In truth, she became possessive of Brian from day one.

Shay would never admit it to him, but she had always admired Brian for being so focused at a young age. He always knew exactly what he wanted to do with his life. From day one, all he talked about was being a criminal defense attorney. Shay, on the other hand, wasn’t so sure what she wanted to do with her life, but being around him made her want to figure it out. Brian unknowingly brought direction into her life along with companionship.

When her mother gave birth to her little brother two years ago, their relationship took a turn. That was the first time their attraction for each other surfaced and since then they had an unspoken commitment to each other. It was impossible for either of them to date other people, because they spent all of their free time with each other. They talked on the phone often and shared the important events of each other’s lives. She was the first to call him on his twenty-first birthday and Brian was the first to congratulate her upon graduating from Stanford University. Brian escorted her to school and social functions. Shay accompanied him nearly wherever he went. The two even traveled together. Their parents were not blind to their closeness, but they never discussed it with them.

Now, at age twenty-three Brian was no longer a young boy with no rhythm; he was a man. And he looked like a man. The once-oversized goofy kid had transformed into a fine six-foot-four-inch two-hundred-forty-pound smooth dark-chocolate specimen. Brian was her type of man: tall, dark and thick all around. Shaving his head bald only made him that much more appealing to her. That alone, should have been enough for her to stay away from him, but it wasn’t.

She’d heard the warning signals loud and clear, but told herself she could handle it. She told herself she could tolerate the constant hugs and affectionate kissing that escalated to petting.

At first they started with friendly little pecks on the cheeks; then graduated to soft kisses on the lips. From there, deep-seeded passionate kisses with plenty of tongue. The other day when they’d enjoyed a swim, something they’d done hundreds of times before, Shay nearly hyperventilated when he stepped from the pool in black briefs. She became instantly stimulated and had to drape a towel around her chest when he rubbed lotion onto her shoulders. That day she vowed never to go swimming with him again. Even as she made that vow, she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it. Fact was, she liked being with him and constantly fantasized about being intimate with him.

Today they’d gone ice-skating. She hadn’t planned on coming back to the house with him, but at the last minute changed her mind. They had made tacos for dinner and went into the den to watch a movie. Halfway through The Bodyguard, she ended up straddling his lap, nearly intoxicated from kissing him. A soft moan escaped when she felt the tenderness of his fingers underneath her tank top. But then he suddenly lifted her from him and went into the kitchen.

Why didn’t I just leave? she groaned as she squeezed the water from her sponge. Shay knew the answer: She really didn’t want to.

Shay’s heart warmed as she reminisced about how good Brian made her feel. After the initial penetration, Brian was so gentle and caring, fumbling his way. She appreciated him for taking his time to try and please her. When she reached the pinnacle of womanhood, she cried softly. If she didn’t know any better, she’d think she was in love with him.

She bolted upright, splashing water on the floor. Oh, God! Panic filled her, now realizing how irresponsible she’d behaved. She and Brian had had intercourse twice without any protection!

Oh, God, please don’t make me pay for my sin with an unwanted pregnancy, she prayed. She would have to wait at least a week for the answer to that prayer.

Before climbing into bed, she kneeled down and prayed. God, please forgive me for yielding to my flesh and committing fornication. Forgive me for enjoying it. And, God, please take away this guilt and please take this desire from me.

Chapter 2

After a long hot shower, Brian lay in bed unable to sleep. He looked at the now-empty space next to him. Changing the sheets hadn’t changed the facts at all. Brian had given his virginity to LaShay Hampton. How did I get here? he asked himself for what seemed like the thousandth time. He already knew the answer; Brian wanted to be with Shay, had wanted to for a long time.

For the last two years, she’d been the woman in his life. It didn’t start out like that. In the beginning, Shay was just his buddy, someone to hang out with when he visited his dad. That first year, she rarely called him by his name, opting to identify him as fat head. They had a lot in common, but he thought she was bossy and controlling. Shay always had to have the last word on everything. They couldn’t get through the day without at least one argument. Then after his little brother, Josiah, was born things changed. She changed.

She no longer bossed him around, but treated him with respect. Like he was equal to her and she no longer threw the fact that she was eleven months older than him in his face. When he needed someone to talk to, Shay was his best listener and his chief supporter for every idea. She was always there for him.

For two years, he tried to ignore his feelings for her. Brian was successful as long as he didn’t see her, which wasn’t too often. After he committed his life to God, he thought his feelings for her would go away, at least the physical ones, but they didn’t. Shay didn’t give him any reason to think she felt the same, so he never voiced his feelings to her.

Brian knew spending so much time with her was lethal to his salvation, but he couldn’t help it. He just had to see her, had to hear her voice and rationalized his need for her as friendship. Brian was handling his physical feelings for her well until a few days ago when they went swimming.

Brian was glad that he was already in the pool when she removed her robe, revealing the little red two-piece swimsuit. Somehow when he wasn’t looking, Shay had transformed into a woman. The kind of woman he liked. Her five-foot-seven-inch frame owned all the right curves in the right places for him. Her cappuccino skin matched perfectly with her hazel eyes and light-brown hair. Brian wondered what she would have done if she knew what was running through his mind as he rubbed lotion onto her. Shay’s skin felt so good, he told himself that was the last time he would touch her until the time was right. Brian knew that day he would eventually have her; he just didn’t know it would come this soon and under these circumstances. He’d figured once he finished law school, they would try a relationship.

Today, Brian knew it was risky inviting her inside, but he wasn’t ready for her to leave. He didn’t have to sit so close to her either. Before he knew it, Shay was straddling him and he was held captive by the sweetness of her mouth. Brian broke his promise not to touch her when he slipped his hands beneath her top and caressed her. He didn’t mean to, but her soft skin was too inviting. The deep moan that escaped her lips brought him back to reality and he quickly got away from her.

Brian never asked Shay to leave; he hoped by the time he returned from the kitchen she’d be gone, but she wasn’t. When they made eye contact, he knew he had lost the battle for his sexual purity.

There was no doubt in his mind, what happened between them was wrong, but it was also beautiful. Brian gave her part of himself he could never get back and truth be told, he didn’t want it back. Being inside the woman he cherished had in a sense stripped him of himself and at the same time ushered in unimaginable guilt and shame. His body was a temple and he defiled it by being one with Shay. Although it was wrong, he was happy they’d shared their first experience with each other.

Before Brian dozed off, he prayed for forgiveness and for God to remove the desire he still held for Shay.

Chapter 3

Shay’s mother, Julia Simone-Pennington, sat on the floor of the den playing with two-year-old Josiah. He was her miracle baby. After rearing Shay, she’d thought her days of parenthood were over. They were until she fell in love and married Reverend Reginald Pennington. At times, she wished they were younger, because she loved him so much that she wanted to give him a whole tribe of babies. After three years of marriage, she could still count on him to keep every promise he made to her.

Hey, sweetheart, Reggie said as he slipped his arms around her and kissed her neck.

I see you’ve finally gotten enough strength to crawl out of bed, she teased.

You shouldn’t do me like that first thing in the morning. It takes me until noon to recuperate, he said this time kissing her on the lips.

I’ll keep that in mind.

Reggie picked up Josiah. Brian called and asked me to stop by. He wants to talk to me about something.

Is everything all right? she asked

I don’t know, he just said he needed to talk.

Julia was quiet for a moment. Honey, you should eat before you go. She went into the kitchen to heat his food.

Some things never change, Julia said when Shay entered the kitchen.

Good morning, Mom.

Baby, it’s after noon, but that’s morning to you, Julia teased her daughter.

I got in late last night.

I know. We turned in after eleven o’clock and you weren’t here yet. She gave her daughter a stern look.

Sorry, Mama, I should’ve called.

Yes, you should have. I know you’re twenty-three, but that doesn’t keep me from worrying about you. Next time just call, so I can go to bed without worrying, alright?

Alright, Mom. Shay smiled, thinking if she’d called last night she wouldn’t be a fornicator this morning.

Reggie placed Josiah’s highchair between him and Shay at the kitchen table.

Good afternoon, sleeping beauty.

Hey, Dad, Shay affectionately addressed her stepfather.

Julia and Reggie exchanged glances with each other. Normally, Shay didn’t address her stepfather by the endearing term.

Shay cleared up the confusion. I know what I said, Reggie. I called you ‘Dad’. Outside of Uncle Jonathan, you’re the closest thing to a father I’ll ever have, so get used to it, she said flatly.

It’s not that I don’t like you addressing me in that manner, you just surprised me, Reggie clarified.

Life’s full of surprises. Shay’s mind went back to the previous night. She wanted to smile, but her shame wouldn’t allow her. You never know I might just surprise you and marry your son. When Reggie nearly choked on his cranberry juice, she added, I’m only playing.

Reggie and Julia exchanged glances again, even more confused about Shay’s gleeful demeanor.

Can I ask you guys something? Shay didn’t wait for an answer. Is it wrong to feel good about committing sin?

Explain what you mean, Reggie said.

Say you made a mistake and did something you knew was wrong, but what you did felt good and you liked it. I mean, you’re sorry for doing it and you feel guilty about it, but that doesn’t erase the fact that you enjoyed it and wouldn’t mind doing it again.

Reggie responded first. That doesn’t mean you felt good about committing the sin, what that means is that your flesh enjoyed it.

Julia jumped in. That’s normal, because sin feels good to the flesh.

How long does God make you pay for willfully doing something wrong? Shay had to know the length of her punishment.

Shay, there’s a penalty to every sin, but God forgives us the moment we ask for forgiveness because He sees us as righteous through the blood of Jesus, Reggie answered.

But what if you ask for forgiveness, but you’re not sure you won’t do it again? Then what?

It was Julia’s turn. Until you gain control over your flesh it will happen again. That’s why we have to be watchful and die daily by renewing our minds. We have to make sure our desires are for the things of God and not for the things of this world or the flesh.

Sometimes what we desire is not wrong, it’s just not the right time for us to have it, Reggie added.

Shay thought for a moment then asked, Can you forfeit what God has for you by moving outside of His will? Let’s say you did the right thing with the right person, but at the wrong time?

Shay, you have to remember God is forgiving and merciful. Sometimes He’ll delay what he has for you, but he won’t deny it.

Shay ate the rest of her food without saying a word. Inwardly, she wondered if Brian and she were meant to be together. Deep down she believed they were. True they had a special connection and she really did care about him, for a second last night, she thought she loved him. She wasn’t sure, but she thought she heard him say those three words to her right before he released himself. She blinked back tears and wondered if they’d ruined their future.

Chapter 4

On the forty-five-minute drive from his Blackhawk home to see Brian in Oakland, Reggie couldn’t get his earlier conversation with Shay out of his mind. He thought it was more than a coincidence that both Shay and Brian had something on their minds at the same time. Reggie didn’t believe they knew what was really going on between the two of them. Almost from the beginning the two had shared a special connection. The connection they shared was so strong, they even felt each other’s pain.

Last year when Shay sprained her ankle rollerblading with her cousins, Brian walked with a limp until she recovered. The funny thing was, Brian didn’t even go rollerblading that day. He was tutoring at the True Worship Community Center when the accident occurred. Yet from the moment Shay called him, Brian instantly acquired a limp. Every time Brian caught a cold, Shay would walk around breathing through her nose and sucking constantly on Hall’s lemon-flavored cough drops.

Reggie and Julia realized a long time ago, their children were destined to be together, but vowed not to interfere with their lives. Neither Reggie nor Julia ever indicated approval or disapproval of their non-existent relationship. It didn’t take long for Alysse, Brian’s biological mother, to see the connection as well.

Julia, what’s going on with our kids? Alysse asked one night after Shay accompanied Brian to Arizona to visit her.

Nothing, if you ask them, Julia answered after placing the call on speaker so Reggie could hear.

I was not born yesterday. Girl, you should have seen them, they were feeding each other ice cream. I could see if they had different flavors, but they were eating the same kind. Alysse laughed.

They’re quite interesting, I know. Julia laughed with her.

What are you and Reggie going to do about it?

Absolutely nothing, Reggie interjected. If anything evolves between them, it will be their choice, not ours.

I wasn’t talking to you. Alysse cleared her throat. "As I was saying, Julia, would you be happy if it did?"

Julia chose her words carefully. She didn’t want to appear bias one-way or the other. Alysse, as long as my daughter marries the man she loves and he loves her in return, I’ll be happy.

Well, I’m not as conservative as you are. I like Shay and I want to see them together. And if Brian asks for my opinion, or if I just feel like giving it to him, I will let him know that she’s the one. Alysse was certain.

Thinking back now on the conversation, Reggie couldn’t help but wonder if Alysse’s prediction was correct.

Reggie parked his Mercedes in front of what used to be his parents’ home. Brian now lived here with his roommate, Todd. Reggie used his key to let himself in.

Brian, he called.

I’m in the kitchen, Dad.

Reggie found his son sitting at the kitchen table with his Bible open. As always whenever he saw his son, Reggie walked over to Brian and gave him a tight hug. After missing seventeen years of his son’s life, Reggie treasured every moment with him.

What’s going on? Reggie took a seat opposite Brian and helped himself to some red seedless grapes from the fruit bowl on the table.

Brian lowered his head. I want your advice on something.

I’m listening.

I want to confess something I did wrong and I need help figuring out a way to keep it from happening again.

Son, what did you do?

Brian kept his head lowered. I had sex, he whispered.

So that’s it, Reggie thought inwardly. With his thumb and forefinger, he lifted Brian’s head. There’s nothing to be ashamed of; we all have sinned and fallen short at one time or another.

But, Dad, I knew better and I really enjoyed it?

Reggie’s earlier conversation with Shay replayed over in his head. That’s normal, fornication is a sin of the flesh and sin feels good to the flesh. Reggie knew the answer, but he had to ask anyway. Brian, with whom did you have sex? Brian’s silence confirmed his suspicion. It was Shay, wasn’t it?

Brian was surprised. Did she tell you?

No, but it’s not hard to figure out, since you guys are always together. I’m surprised something like this hadn’t happened sooner.

What do you mean?

I mean the two of you aren’t teenagers, you’re twenty-three-year-old young adults with adult feelings and desires, Reggie clarified. The two of you have been in a non-existent relationship since the summer you met.

I know, but I thought I could control myself. Brian sounded defeated. But the more I tried the harder it got.

Son, never play games with your flesh. If you know you’re weak to something, stay away from it until you’re strong enough to overcome it.

I know. I did see the warning signs and I wanted to stop, but I just kept going. I mean, Shay is a beautiful woman. Brian tried unsuccessfully to hide the smile that always creased his face at the thought of Shay’s physical attributes.

Reggie studied his son. Why do you think you didn’t stop? Was it all physical for you or do you have feelings for her?

"No, it wasn’t all physical," Brian answered.

Reggie knew his son was stalling. Son, how do feel about her?

I feel good about her? Brian answered evasively then looked away.

Brian, do you love her? Reggie asked plainly.

Brian looked his father in the eye and answered, Yes, I do.

Does she know that?

I think so.

You think so?

I told her, but I don’t think she heard me. Even if she does know, it wouldn’t make a difference, because I told her our relationship was over and I was going to put some space between us.

So, you had sex with her and then told her you needed space? Reggie paused. I don’t want to steer you into doing something you’re not ready to do, but what do you see in the future for the two of you?

Whatever plans I may have had were ruined last night.

You made a mistake, but with some work and discipline, you can move past this.

I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling guilty and ashamed of what we did, Brian admitted. At least not enough to be with Shay again.

Guilt and shame were two things Reggie knew a lot about. He almost lost his precious Julia behind it. Have you asked God for forgiveness?

Yes.

Do you believe He’s forgiven you?

I think so. I’m not really sure. It seems too easy.

Brian, if you’re going to live by that Bible you’re reading, then you’re going to have to believe what it says. The Bible tells us that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and He will cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Brian listened attentively.

"That same Bible tells us that if we walk after the things of the spirit and not after the flesh,