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    Letters To My Beloved
    Letters To My Beloved
    Letters To My Beloved
    Ebook235 pages2 hours

    Letters To My Beloved

    By Jordan Marie Davis

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Struggling with heartbreak, a young college girl writes countless letters to the man that broke her heart in hopes to one day to heal her corrupted heart.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBookBaby
    Release dateOct 1, 2014
    ISBN9781483539584
    Letters To My Beloved

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      Book preview

      Letters To My Beloved - Jordan Marie Davis

      you.

      Chapter 1:

      The Rebuttal

      "Lost the battle, win the war! I’m bringing my sinking ship back to the shore. Starting over, head back in!

      There’s a time and a place to die, but this ain’t it."

      - Paramore

      March 21

      Dear Beloved,

      Shiftless.

      Confused.

      Sadness sits deeper than it has in awhile.

      Worn down.

      Betrayed.

      Entirely flawed and feeling everything human.

      I am all those things and more.

      I am having trouble finding the exact words to faultlessly express the concrete thoughts I feel this morning.

      You broke up with me.

      You broke up with me for reasons I don’t understand. You told me I have self-image issues. You told me I am not strong enough to be with you and can’t face the real world with you, and apparently my parachute is packed incorrectly.

      I have never been so broken-down, scrutinized, and torn apart in my entire life. Were your intentions good? Was your idea of ripping me apart a hidden agenda to make me a better person?

      Or was it all an excuse?

      Punishing me for my flaws and calling me out on my weaknesses so you wouldn’t feel bad for leaving me in that state you did.

      I feel used and lied to. I feel so betrayed. I feel embarrassed. You gave me this beautiful Persian rug and pulled it right out from underneath me so effortlessly.

      You promised you wouldn't let go! I cried.

      Yeah, to the girl I thought you were, you said casually.

      You'll never let go? Not Ever? Because you love me too much?

      You didn't love me...

      You didn't unconditionally love me because if you did you wouldn't have torn me down to nothing but a broken stem, holding on to earth for dear life.

      But thank God for my roots because they are strong and they keep me grounded, and yet again will help me grow and I will flourish.

      Flourish.

      And it will be beautiful.

      I’m just a pretty face? Hiding muddy water? I’m just a facade?

      I'm so much more than a pretty face. I convey depth and history. I carry experience and wisdom.

      I convey stories of survival and victory. I may have walked through hell and back, and at times my heart shakes, but it’s out of fear and caution. Not insecurities.

      It is life.

      When you have been burned, you're going to be frightened of a flame, but that doesn't mean you still wouldn't run through fires for the one you love.

      For you to tell me you don't have time or have the capability to be the person I need you to be shows the misunderstanding of what you think love is.

      Love.

      You don't know the first thing.

      It's about taking chances.

      It’s about taking risks and hoping for the best and having faith.

      That is the beauty of love, Beloved.

      But I guess I wasn't worth it, to you at least...

      I know who I am and I know what I am capable of.

      My honesty was too much for you, it scared you.

      And that is fine.

      This was short lived. It felt like a dream, a wonderful dream. You filled my head with futuristic plans, forever love and a lifetime of happiness with you. You promised me your protection and a life that we could share together forever. You promised me that this was real life and you would never leave.

      You promised.

      But wait, I forgot.

      That was all promised to the girl you thought I was.

      So thank you.

      Thank you for finally waking me up from this fantasy, this fake courtship.

      Thank you for giving me a relationship that was built on lies and promises that were never meant to be fulfilled and never meant for me.

      That's fine.

      It's all fine.

      I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm confused.

      But these feelings come with the territory of a breakup.

      But despite this pain in my heart, I don't hate you and you would never fall into this category of monsters that accompany the skeletons that hide in my oversized closet.

      But as for this illusion, this fantasy you created for me...I believed it. And I hate that.

      I'm not going to be sorry for who I am. I will never be sorry for that.

      Just because my legs shake doesn't mean I can't conquer and succeed.

      I am human. I am flawed and incredibly imperfect, but I am strong and I embrace my weaknesses. I continuously work towards being better than the person I was yesterday.

      I know my worth and value on this earth and I know what I want now.

      Thanks for finally waking me up from this dream. It was about time I came back to earth.

      -J

      Chapter 2:

      Can’t Believe

      I’m Doing This

      March 24

      12:28 A.M.

      Dear Beloved,

      I know this may come off as absolutely bizarre but yes, I am writing you. I have no intentions of sending you this letter or the many letters I am going to write, but I decided I am going to record everything I experience, encounter, and face during this transformation process. Right now I'm sitting in the same spot we said our last goodbyes. I can't help but replay these past two months in my head. I know what we had was short-lived, but what if I told you they were the best two months of my existence? What if I told you I never experienced a love so passionate, fast, strong and fiery? Was I the only one that felt it? When you saw that my past was a big part of the person I am today, did everything you once felt disappear?

      I didn't want to admit my insecurities because it would mean losing you.

      I feel absolutely ridiculous for writing this letter. You're gone now. Everything is gone, but it's impossible to let go when I still see you in my head and still want you in my heart. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to pull myself out of this gloomy hovel, and I don’t know if I could ever completely let go of you. I don't know where life will take the both of us but I hope it brings you back to me. My heart breaks at the thought of you living out our dream with someone else. The future scares me for the fact that I don’t know if I am a part of yours. Every day you embedded in my head that we would take on the world hand in hand for the rest of our lives and I believed you.

      I took that leap of faith after countless late-night conversations that reassured my heart that you were different from all the rest, and you would never fail me. You spoke words that could have convinced the world’s most skeptical man that you would be mine forever.

      Despite your absence in my life, I somehow feel close to you writing this letter.

      And even though you ripped me apart in the wickedest manner and left me with nothing but the pieces of my heart and the recollection of a life with you, I still find myself missing you.

      Everything about you.

      You taught me so much over these past two months. Things I will never forget.

      Let this journey begin.

      I can't help but to still have hope.

      You told me that I needed to fully love myself before I can fully love someone else.

      How could that logic be entirely true when I am unconditionally in love with you, Beloved? Some days I don’t completely love myself but every day I know I love you entirely, and I don’t think that is going to change anytime soon.

      I'm going to try and get some rest.

      Good night,

      -J

      March 25

      12:30 A.M.

      Dear Beloved,

      I am laying in my bed on this lazy Sunday.

      It's raining outside. The sound of the rain hitting the window pane sounds comforting, but at the same time it echoes the sadness that sits deep in my heart today.

      We were supposed to be together today.

      You were supposed to be by my side on this rainy Sunday.

      Even though today feels grim and bleak and your words still effortlessly preoccupy my every thought, I keep telling myself to be stronger than this, to be stronger than all of this.

      Your choice to leave is hard. I miss talking to you every day. I miss hearing the voice that sent me into a state of bliss and knocked down every fear that lingered in the depths of my mind. I miss counting down the days until I could kiss your face again and the excitement that grew as each day passed. I miss it all.

      Now it’s gone and all that is left are the memories that we created together.

      At first I resented my past and hated myself for being so honest about it, but I've realized that my past is done and gone and being honest is who I am. I always promised you that I would tell you the truth about everything; at least I can say I kept my word.

      Maybe my honesty was too much for you to handle. Maybe you couldn’t handle the fact your perfect girl wasn’t so perfect after all. She was stitched together with flaws that were sometimes bigger than her and tied together with strength and wisdom. She showed you her battle scars and spoke about places that were so dark and isolated it brought her to tears to even think about. She recounted stories of the monsters that tried to destroy her life. Telling you stories of those who claimed to have loved her but yet abused and dangerously controlled every part her and her life. It made you uncomfortable. Explaining to you how all the punches and blows she received weren’t always just to her heart but were thrown at her five foot ten frame was hard to swallow. You saw that she was imperfect.

      Flawed.

      Damaged goods.

      Her past was monstrous and it scared you.

      You finally cut open the surface of a pretty package and turned your cheek to the things you didn’t understand within the beautiful box.

      I can’t change what I went through, Beloved. I can’t change the choices I made or the people I foolishly trusted. I have carried it around like a dark cloud long enough and I am not ashamed of it anymore. I wear my scars as medals and tell my stories with pride because I survived. I made it out and I am stronger for it.

      I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

      I wonder if this is hurting you as badly as it’s hurting me.

      Do you still bare hope like I do?

      I can't help but pray that you do.

      -J

      March 25

      7:29 pm.

      Dear Beloved,

      I don’t know what’s crazier: the fact that I continue writing these letters

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