Lesbianism Made Easy

Since You Asked …

Why Lesbianism now? In the years since you and I first sat down to broach the topic over muffins, hasn’t lesbianism become so easy it’s hardly worth mentioning, much less getting all bossy about it?

Certainly a great deal has changed since Lesbianism Made Easy first tangoed into the public consciousness. In some areas the transformation in attitudes and behavior has been so fast it takes your (by which I mean your mother’s) breath away.

A discussion of the ways in which life has altered in recent years for gay people and/or persons would fill volumes, but we’d rather not take time from your important cat-video texting and make you click on another link. We do have a minute for a brief overview of how the landscape has changed, though, and here it comes:

1. Same-sex marriage is now mandatory in at least fifty states of the union, pending a stay in 99.4 percent of those states to give lawyers employment opportunities and gay couples time to plan their ensembles for the actual ceremony.

2. Smoking is a felony, except on the outside of every place, where there is no danger of individual persons coming into contact with secondhand cancers.

3. After deciding gay people were in fact a form of human being, the entire world has built special cafés, housing centers, nightclubs, schools, shopping malls and sports arenas to make them and/or us feel especially welcome. In countries as diverse as Russia, Uganda, and parts of the fun-filled Middle East, homosexual persons can now enjoy all their favorite activities, such as dancing, hiding, and avoiding being stoned to death.

4. Laws dictating what can be done with gay bodies have been outlawed worldwide, provided those bodies don’t house female reproductive organs. That was an example of what we call sarcasm. (Also true.)

5. LGBQ citizens are now welcome to travel to the far, sandy corners of the earth to experience the benefits of life in the military, including camaraderie, mortal danger, and the opportunity to tend to the sexual and psychological needs of their superior officers and fellow soldiers, provided such intimacies are not voluntary.¹

6. The number of movies featuring gay characters has increased exponentially, with particular emphasis on representing naked, gorgeous gay dudes under thirty or lesbisexuals who greatly enjoy having sex with men. Lesbianism in prison, college, and flashbacks has become a popular addition to shows on cable and streaming networks. As technology has blossomed, viewers have of course swiftly replaced our proudly hard-earned giant flat screens with tiny screens we can watch continuously while ambulatory.

Overly Personal Side Note/Digression

In 1996, when Lesbianism Made Easy was first published, being a gay person in our society was so fraught that even I, a boldly forthright practitioner of the lesbian arts, dreaded approaching staff in bookstores when I went to sign copies of my book. So much has changed since the days when I so feared each bookstore staffer’s reaction—expecting hostility, disgust, shock—that I would take the book off the shelves and show them the cover rather than say the word lesbianism out loud. Today, of course, there are no bookstores.

In abrupt conclusion, there has been such an upswing in the understanding and appreciation of lesbian and gay-lesbian personages after the initial publication of this book that one has to wonder about cause and effect.

You be the judge, along with your sister-in-law.

1 Any soldiers distressed by perceived illegal actions by their government are free to partake of foreign hospitality, although this does not apply to those citizens who favor the name Chelsea.

CHAPTER ONE

HOW TO BE HOMOSEXUAL

What Is a Lesbian?

Like many people, you may think you’ve never met a lesbian. Who could blame you? Unlike male homosexuality, which comes with an easy-to-use ID kit for locating its members professionally (florist, hairdresser, agent, interior designer, marine) or socially (the opera, musicals featuring aging females or male ingenues, any party thrown by Lady Gaga, congressional men’s rooms), female homosexuality is a far more complex and intriguing business, rife with confusion and false advertising.

Yet lesbians are all around us, strolling through every walk of life, profession, social class, religious affiliation, and health club, although not yours. How do we know this? Trust us; we do: we can spot a lesbian on a fashion catwalk or Republican fund-raiser, in blinding sunlight or under cover of the darkest night. We can even tell if you’re a lesbian.

Once you familiarize yourself with our simple yet elaborate system of identifying where lesbians may be found, in fact, you’ll be finding them everywhere you turn. Isn’t that nice? Female homosexuals may be more of a challenge to spot than male members of the club, but they exist to be spotted in greater numbers than you’d think.

Before we get down to our highly scientific method of lesbian identification, though, let’s take a moment to find out a little more about you.

Are You a Lesbian?

THE QUESTIONNAIRE

After sex I often feel (choose one or more):

a.  Ashamed

b.  Guilty

c.  Anxious to be alone

d.  Vaguely dissatisfied

e.  Like moving just a few of my personal items into my new friend’s apartment

If you chose from any or all of answers (a)—(d), all we can say with any certainty is that you were born and/or raised in the United States, very possibly in a Catholic household. If you answered (e), do we even have to say it? You are a lesbian.

When in the presence of Scarlett Johansson, I usually feel:

a.  Warm and/or tingly

b.  Slightly faint

c.  Hungry

d.  All of the above, not to mention whew!

e.  Other

This is a trick question. Answers (a)—(d) prove nothing except that you’re alive. If you chose (e), you’re not fooling anyone. There are no other answers.

My favorite color is (choose one or more):

a.  Eggshell

b.  Mauve

c.  Fuchsia

d.  Cinnamon

e.  Black

f.  Purple

If you selected answers (a) through (e), you are a homosexual, though not a lesbian. If you chose (e) and (f), or (f) alone, you are either a lesbian or a fourteen-year-old girl, possibly both.

Often when I see couples kissing in public places, I am overcome with:

a.  Disgust

b.  Envy

c.  Anger

d.  A desire to burst into tears

Finding public displays of a sexual nature objectionable may be the result of a lifetime of being denied similar means of self-expression except in dark, tasteful establishments with bouncers named Lou, but more likely, it indicates a belief in the fundamental human right not to have to watch strangers having sex unless money has changed hands.

As for displays of simple affection, as opposed to those bordering on public fornication, well, genuine affection is a beautiful thing; in fact, there is far too little evidence of it in the world today, though I can’t speak for the Scandinavian countries. Those of you who find yourselves troubled by the sight of such displays of simple affection, whether between homosexuals or heterosexuals, would do well to recognize that such an embittered attitude will only make it more difficult for you to find that special someone meant for you, as soon as you break up with your current girlfriend.

The adjective people use most often to describe me is:

a.  Morose

b.  Playful

c.  Nurturing

d.  Cheerful

e.  Judgmental

f.  Outgoing

g.  Sarcastic

h.  Carefree

If you were torn between answers (a), (c), (e), and (g), you are very likely a lesbian. If you chose any from the remaining group, particularly (h), you are not, though we would like you to consider joining. We realize that those of you who chose (h) have only a very slight chance of entering the fold(s), though plentiful openings remain for those who would like to be male homosexuals.

When I hear the phrase LGBT, I feel:

a. Grateful to have an efficient and inclusive term that identifies the full spectrum of our community

b. Depressed that the same people who brought us the rainbow flag got another shot at branding

c. Bitter that trans and bi people are even allowed to join, not to mention keep hogging the spotlight

d. The urge to make up more fabulous acronyms. (Life Gets Better, Tallulah/Love Gaudy Brazen Tattoos/Look, Girls, Big Tatas!)

What is wrong with you?! After all our years of progress.

When I bite into a nice juicy piece of fruit, I feel:

a.  Satisfied

b.  Dirty

c.  Happy

d.  Tired

There is no explanation for the way you feel.

Clearly, we could continue to ask an infinite or merely endless number of probing, simplistic questions, but as you’ve no doubt started to suspect, determining sexual identity is a far more subtle and complex matter than you initially realized, and we are starting to get a little tired of making up answers.

Take heart, however. After you have studied the extremely technical parts of the text to follow, you should be far better prepared to determine what, if any, your sexual orientation may be.

Where Do Lesbians Come From?

Some people are born lesbians, some achieve lesbianism, and some have lesbianism thrust upon them.

Perhaps you are not yet clear which, if any, of these categories describes you.

Maybe your life has traveled a path similar to that of a friend of ours—let’s call her Mo.¹ Suppose, like Mo, you knew from the time you were a small, annoying child that all you wanted to do in life was crawl onto the lap of any neighboring female who’d let you, not including Mrs. Lerber, and live there until you died. As you approached adolescence, you felt not the slightest shyness about tickling your best friend Susie and eventually you used your skill at wielding a dare to persuade her to try some variations on that special something grown-ups seem to enjoy, until you ultimately got it right.

Fairly early on, your relatives stopped asking whether you’d met a nice boy and sharing their dreams of that big wedding with you in white and scads of children right away. At family gatherings large and small, you’ve invariably been the person called on whenever a carburetor requires changing or a leaky roof or faucet needs fixing. Basically, you’ve known where your bread was buttered, to put a delicate spin on it, from pretty much the moment you realized there was