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    On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk
    On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk
    On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk
    Ebook139 pages1 hour

    On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk

    By Alison Hughes

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    About this ebook

    When grade-eight science-project time rolls around, J.J. Murphy skips the beakers and the papiermâché and dives into research about jerks. And idiots. But mostly jerks. By his own estimation, his science project, On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk, is groundbreaking, exhaustive, highly scientific and seriously worthy of bonus marks. Beginning with the dawn of humankind and concluding conclusively with a very cool pie chart, the project dissects the elements of jerkosity through extensive case studies and scientific illustrations. It explores the who, what, when, why and how of jerks and, more important, peppers the lively research with sciencey-looking graphs and charts that reveal a lot about J.J., his family and friends, and the jerks of this world.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherOrca Book Publishers
    Release dateApr 1, 2014
    ISBN9781459804869
    On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk
    Author

    Alison Hughes

    Alison Hughes is an award-winning author of many books for children and young adults, including The Silence Slips In, winner of the R. Ross Annett Award for Children’s Literature, and Hit the Ground Running, nominated for a Governor General's Literary Award. Alison is a university writing adviser who also volunteers with children and literacy groups and gives frequent workshops and presentations at schools, libraries, festivals and conferences across Canada. She lives in Edmonton with her family.

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      Book preview

      On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk - Alison Hughes

      ON A SCALE FROM

      IDIOT TO

      COMPLETE JERK

      A Highly Scientific Study

                 of Annoying Behavior

                         Science Project by J.J. Murphy*

      *with

      Alison Hughes

      Copyright © 2014 Alison Hughes

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted

      in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,

      recording or by any information storage and retrieval system now known

      or to be invented, without permission in writing from the publisher.

      Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

      Hughes, Alison, 1966-, author

      On a scale from idiot to complete jerk / Alison Hughes.

      Issued in print and electronic formats.

      ISBN 978-1-4598-0484-5 (pbk.).--ISBN 978-1-4598-0485-2 (pdf).-

      ISBN 978-1-4598-0486-9 (epub)

      I. Title.

      PS8615.U3165O5 2014           jC813’.6           C2013-906648-9

      C2013-906649-7

      First published in the United States, 2014

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2013954114

      Summary: J.J.’s science report has everything: graphs, charts, case studies,

      a quiz and the best subject matter of all time—jerks (and a few idiots).

      Orca Book Publishers gratefully acknowledges the support for its publishing

      programs provided by the following agencies: the Government of Canada through

      the Canada Book Fund and the Canada Council for the Arts, and the Province of British

      Columbia through the BC Arts Council and the Book Publishing Tax Credit.

      Design and illustrations by Jenn Playford

      Cover image by Dreamstime; Cover illustrations by Jenn Playford

      Author photo by Barbara Heintzman

      www.orcabook.com

      17 16 15 14 • 4 3 2 1

      To M, for everything.

      And to Gig, for somehow making us love him

      despite being a bit of a jerk.

      On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk

      A Highly Scientific Study of Annoying Behavior

      Science Project by J.J. Murphy

      CONTENTS

      Chapter 1: The Dawn of the Jerk

      Chapter 2: A Long History of Jerks

      Chapter 3: Organization, the Sciencey Way, Lame Definitions and the First Two of Many Scientific Illustrations

      A) Organization

      B) The Sciencey Way

      C) Lame Definitions

      1) Scientific Illustration #1: The Phases of a Jerk’s Behavior

      D) A Jerk by Any Other Name: A Note on Language

      E) A Truly Scientific Analysis

      1) Scientific Illustration #2: On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk

      Chapter 4: Can Young Children Be Jerks?

      A) Case Study #1: The Cranky Toddlers and the Big Plastic Car

      B) Case Study #2: Mayhem in the Mudroom

      1) Scientific Illustration #3: The Path to Complete Jerkdom

      Chapter 5: Can Really, Really Old People Be Jerks?

      A) Case Study #3: The Nursing Home Manly Man

      Chapter 6: Jerks in the Family

      A) Case Study #4: Rebecca’s Confusing and Alarming Family

      1) Scientific Illustration #4: Rebecca’s Family Tree

      Chapter 7: Jerks in Sports

      A) Players

      B) Coaches

      C) Fans

      1) Case Study #5: The Fan Who Cost Us the Game

      D) Referees

      Chapter 8: Jerks in a Crisis

      A) Case Study #6: The Fire-Drill Drama

      B) Case Study #7: Sanjiv’s Hideous Injury

      Chapter 9: Jerks at School

      A) Students

      1) Case Study #8: The Arc of Jerkish Behavior

      (a) Scientific Illustration #5: Bell Graph of a Jerk

      2) Case Study #9: Graphing Solo Jerks and Groups of Jerks

      (a) Scientific Illustration #6: Graphing How Jerks Respond to Jerkish Events

      (b) Scientific Illustration #7: Quadrants of Jerkish Behavior

      B) Teachers and Principals

      1) Teachers

      (a) Scientific Illustration #8: Rating Annoying Teacher Behavior

      2) Principals

      Chapter 10: Miscellaneous Jerks

      A) Nurses

      B) Doctors and Dentists

      C) Bus Drivers

      D) Store Clerks

      E) Neighbors

      F) Servers

      G) Internet Trolls

      Chapter 11: Once a Jerk, Always a Jerk?

      A) Case Study #10: Interview with a Former Jerk (My Uncle Dave)

      Chapter 12: Can Animals Be Jerks?

      A) Pets

      1) Case Study #11: The Flyer-Route Monster

      2) Case Study #12: The Four-Pound Ankle-Biter

      3) Case Study #13: The Night Screamer

      B) Wild Animals

      1) Case Study #14: The Garbage Thieves

      Chapter 13: You Be the Jerk!

      Chapter 14: Drawing Some Conclusions (and a Cool Pie Chart)

      Scientific Illustration #9: The Very Last One

      CHAPTER 1

      The Dawn of the Jerk

      Imagine a very different world, billions of years ago. Okay, probably more like millions. Millions of years ago, nothing was as we now know it. There were no buildings, cars, airplanes, roads or electric lights. There was no pizza, and even if there had been, there were no ovens to cook it in. There were no wheels, paper, clothes or shoes, let alone computers, TVs or cell phones. There were no science projects, because there was no science class (or schools or grades or paper).

      Earth was a wild, creepy place. There were oceans practically everywhere, and only one big, really weird-looking piece of land. Roaring volcanoes spewed lava and fossilized all the things that died. Monster birdlike thingies screeched and soared over the vast ocean and the forests of enormous ferns. Strange animals scrabbled out a living on land. It was a tough life, one where a creature didn’t know if it would be alive that night to sleep with one eye open for predators. The animals with flattish teeth grazed on plants. Those with pointy teeth ate the plant grazers. It was all pretty logical.

      But all of a sudden one millennium, strange humanlike animals appeared, loping gorilla-style on all fours. These animals were pretty smart compared to the bacteria and algae that came before them. They started grunting at each other, using rocks for tools, and drawing on cave walls. And instead of all the humanlike things fending for themselves, they figured in their smallish, flat heads, Hey, if we all stick together, we’ll be harder to kill. And they were.

      Problem time. Even if you don’t become some prehistoric monster’s lunch, living together sometimes sucks. Because not all people, even those early, grunting, ape-walking humans, are nice. Newly discovered cave scratchings show us this. (They can’t really be called drawings because they’re pretty bad. Think of your two-year-old cousin holding up a paper and screaming, IT’S A CAT! which you would never have figured out ever without her telling you.)

      These cave scratchings were found in a cave, obviously, in remote Bmugwanaland in June of this year. All the best cave-scratch experts say they tell an important story, rather than just being random doodles by a bored early human stuck in the cave on a long rainy day.

      It’s been in all the papers. Here’s a bit from one of the articles:

      The recent discovery in the Bmugwanaland caves of Central Africa continues to provoke discussion and debate among scientists.

      Yes, yes, they may look like the rudimentary scratchings of a demented two-year-old, said an irritated Professor Basil Worthington-Smythe, lead archaeologist of the scientific expedition.

      But, he added, they very likely were scratched by an adolescent early human, possibly twelve to fourteen years old. And they clearly, unmistakably, paint a picture of a crucially important historical event.

      Here’s the story the cave scratchings tell. Once upon a time, a very long time ago, there was a small humanlike animal. He was all excited because he had found a really big, sturdy stick. You’d be pretty excited, too, if you’d

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