A Granny Is For Life, Not Just Christmas

A

Granny

Is For Life,

Not Just

Christmas

By Maureen Reil

Copyright ©2014 Maureen Reil

Updated 2021

This eBook is entirely a work of fiction.

The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

Maureen Reil asserts the moral right to be identified as the sole author of this work.

Also by the author Maureen Reil

Chick-Lit By Any Other Name (Chick-Lit Collection)

Chick-Lit By Any Other Name 2 (Chick-Lit Collection)

Lily Loves To Love

Sleepyhead Shares A Secret

I Hate Me, Who Do You Hate?

I Did Write What I Know

Chick-Lit Saved My Life (Chick-Lit Trilogy book 1)

Chick-Lit Stole My Life (Chick-Lit Trilogy book 2)

Chick-Lit Staged My Life (Chick-Lit Trilogy book 3)

Chick-Lit Collection

Chick-Lit Trilogy

Mistletoe And Wine (Christmas Comedy Trilogy)

Mistletoe And Wine 2 (Christmas Comedy Trilogy)

Mistletoe And Wine 3 (Christmas Comedy Trilogy)

Christmas Comedy Trilogy

Let’s Get Married (Let’s Get Funny Fiction)

Let’s Get Together (Let’s Get Funny Fiction)

Let’s Get It Started (Let’s Get Funny Fiction)

Let’s Get Serious (Let’s Get Funny Fiction)

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble (Let’s Get Funny Fiction)

Let’s Get Physical (Let’s Get Funny Fiction)

The Finch Family Short Break (Comical Vacations Book 0)

The Finch Family Holiday 1 (Comical Vacations)

The Finch Family Holiday 2 (Comical Vacations)

The Finch Family Holiday 3 (Comical Vacations)

The Finch Family Holiday 4 (Comical Vacations)

The Finch Family Holiday 5 (Comical Vacations)

The Finch Family Easter Holiday 6 (Comical Vacations)

The Finch Family Bank Holiday 7 (Comical Vacations)

The Finch Family Christmas Holiday 8 (Comical Vacations)

Let’s Get Funny Fiction 1 (Three-Book Bundle)

Let’s Get Funny Fiction 2 (Three-Book Bundle)

Let’s Get Funny Fiction (Six-Book Box Set)

Comical Vacations 1 (Three-Book Bundle)

Comical Vacations 2 (Three-Book Bundle)

Comical Vacations 3 (Three-Book Bundle)

Christmas Crackers

Wed To The Wrong Wayne

The Desperate Dater’s Intervention

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Things Can Only Get Better

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Luck Had Nothing To Do With It

Dedicated to

Joan Rivers

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 1

This was supposed to be our very first ever Christmas as a couple. We were going to have a relaxing, quiet time. Just the two of us are free to enjoy the festivities together at our leisure, without making any fuss or even bothering to go to all the palaver of putting up a tree and decorations. We were always going to put up some fairy lights of course because I love them at any time of the year and be done with it, while rejoicing in the knowledge that our following one will be anything but relaxing or quiet this time next year. The fact is our lives will never be the same ever again for I am newly pregnant so we had a lot to celebrate whilst getting used to the idea that we had a surprise baby on the way. However, that was not the only shock in store. No, not for us it seems since we have my future mother-in-law turning up for the holidays as well.

After Harrison (my live-in fiancé) told Lauren that we wanted to get married as soon as possible, without actually telling her the real reason why since I do not want to tell anyone until I am three months gone in case I jinx it and end up miscarrying the child. Hell, I have only just gotten used to the idea so I could not bear to lose it now I have. Indeed, I do not want to wait and be showing a sizable bump at my nuptials because I only plan on doing this whole marriage thing once so I want to get it right and have some decent pictures to prove it. Whilst we also wanted our baby to be born in wedlock and by the way, could we borrow the money to have a wedding please because we are penniless at present.

The price we pay for this loan is that we have to play host to her, when Lauren invites herself along to our place and she wants to meet my side of the family or the deal will probably not go through. Meaning I have to produce a granny because when Harrison and I first got together I told him I did have a sick one and he thinks I visit her regularly but really, I go workout. Well I wanted to keep in shape seeing as I do work from home, sitting on my arse all day so I need it. Lauren clearly wants to see what kind of stock I am from and if I will be a suitable member to join her family in the long term, since we have not long been living together. I bet Lauren thinks there are still some issues to iron out in our relationship and we might even split up, while I will admit that we did rush into things a bit. However having a baby changes things and makes it more of a commitment between us. This is what we felt about it so we want to try our best to provide a stable home for our kid. Granted it was an accident and not a planned pregnancy but I am determined to make it a happy one in the end. I will make it work. As God is my witness, I will not be a single mum for I have lived that struggle firsthand with my own mother when she raised me by herself. Well to be fair, I practically raised myself when Grace would rather be with her junkie friends than me so you can fully understand where I am coming from on that score.

In fact, Lauren will probably make sure that our wedding is cancelled if I do not measure up to her high standards so that is why I am here driving my car and trawling the streets at this ungodly hour of the night. Until I spot a potential homeless person getting ready to bed down in a doorway so I park up the car and get out of my warm vehicle, only to freeze my tits off in my sexy nurse’s uniform. Let me explain. I am not medically trained in the least. This is fancy dress gear but it did not stop drunken men at the Christmas party from wanting to show me their private parts that bothered them this evening and ended up bothering me to the point that I left. I was sober after all and in no mood to be flirting with the enemy that got me in this delicate condition, which makes me not able to have an alcoholic drink for the next nine months.

Hell I only went along to the shindig as a favour to an old friend, as her ‘plus-one’ since she did not have a date to bring along and was using me to get herself a date by the look of things. When she hooked up and left me alone surrounded by the group of her leering and leachy bosses. Harrison is also expecting me to wear this outfit between the sheets later when I get in, but he might be in for a surprise when I bring someone home with me. Obviously, they are not sharing our bed but sharing our Christmas with us and I just have to convince my fiancé before I do his mother. It will be hard to deceive Harrison, but please know I do the devious act with the best intentions at heart. I hope they understand this, if it all goes pear-shaped to come back to bite me on the arse. Then I suppose, it is no more than I deserve.

I hardly expected to be doing something like this the day before Christmas Eve but here I am searching for a suitable woman to play the granny I made up when we met. I had to invent her because I did not want to come across as a pity case that had nobody in this world that cared about me like some bleeding orphan Annie. Oh I still have a mother all right but Grace is currently banged up in a foreign jail for drug smuggling. I also have a father but God knows where Dad is since Mum kicked him to the curb years ago when I was little. Only I do not know the full story of how bad things got between them so I told Harrison that my parents are both missing and presumed dead, well, they are dead to me in a way.

This saw me imagining a nice elderly woman who gave me unlimited sweets. Gave me unconditional love and gave me unbiased advice just as any good granny should. Whilst I did think about telling everyone that Granny had sadly passed away from her illness but then I would have had to have a funeral to arrange and go to so Harrison would find out for sure that I had lied to him and I had no other choice. I had to keep up the pretence. This way, if I pick the right one then nobody will be any the wiser and I can go back to my normal life after Christmas. I could always get rid of Granny in the future by saying for instance that she spontaneously combusted and I only have her ashes left to scatter (otherwise known as the contents of our vacuum cleaner). Do people really burst into flames for no apparent reason? Anyway, as long as I get through this Christmas in one piece then everything will be fine, right. It was a simple plan but complicated as time travel to pull off successfully so wish me luck.

‘Excuse me, homeless person. It is a bit nippy out here this evening. Wouldn’t you rather come home with me and spend Christmas at my house?’ I asked as my opening line to introduce myself to the grey, longhaired woman in a tartan skirt and bearing thick hairy legs as she bent over to rearrange her cardboard on the floor that had her sleeping bag placed on top of it in the doorway of the tall office block. My breath forms clouds of mist as I speak in the frosty air. Christ it is cold so we need to get a move on and back to the warmth of my car.

‘Fine by me . . . I feel like all my Christmases have come true at once,’ said the deep Scottish voice as the sleeping bag was quickly rolled up before the grey bearded man turned around to face me.

‘Oh, I’m sorry for building your hopes up but I was looking for a street woman,’ I say to take the offer back when I realise my mistake.

‘Ah, a lesbian are ye? Aye well . . . I do not mind if you prefer women, you can still take me home for the holidays. I promise to behave myself. What do you say, eh,’ he says with a nudge, nudge, wink, wink attitude. I think I am going to honk at the thought of this, with morning sickness or just an aversion to what he is suggesting.

‘I am not a lesbian, sorry to disappoint you but have you seen any older women hanging around here . . . I am looking for my granny.’

‘What is your wee granny doing in the city at this time of night?’

‘I don’t know exactly, until I find her,’ I reply, looking about me.

‘My eyes are not so good without glasses but I saw two mature lassies hanging around the corner if that’s of any use. How about you help me, now I’ve helped you?’ he says, starting to lift his kilt up as I avert my eyes so as not to cop an eyeful. I could not risk it. I might be scarred for life by what I witness lurking underneath the fabric.

‘What are you doing? Put that away or I will call the cops,’ I said.

‘Ah you’re a nurse, aren’t you? It is your civil duty to assist me with my medical needs, or is the NHS too broke to treat homeless people these days?’ He points to the cut above his knee. It does look sore and he was not flashing me after all. It seems that this disrespectful honour goes to office men in swashbuckling gear and not the poor homeless dude needing some harmless assistance.

‘I’m not a nurse, this is fancy dress. It must have been a while since you’ve been in a hospital if you think they wear uniforms like this.’

‘I thought it was a wee bit too sexy. Ochs I didn’t want to be rude.’

‘Well you thought right; I’ve just left a Christmas party but I’ve got an antiseptic plaster in my bag you can have if you want that.’

‘Cheers lassie, it’s better than nothing,’ he replies as I take it out and place it carefully over his wound with a pat to make it secure.

‘Right well, I should best be off to find that granny of mine. Why are you not tucked up in a shelter for Christmas?’ I wrap the thick blue tinsel scarf I have draped over my shoulders around my neck for warm. Not that it adds anything to my cold body heat, other than giving me an itchy neck that comes out in a red rash in irritation.

‘Oh, I have a place booked and I was heading there now, until you made me a better offer but then you took it away just as quick.’

‘Sorry about that but I thought you were someone else. Happy Christmas to you anyway,’ I said as I shoved some money in his hand.

‘Merry Christmas to you too, hen and have a bonnie new year.’ He waves the notes at me as I leave, before putting them in his sporran.

‘Hi, Happy Christmas to you,’ I say to the forty-odd year old woman on the street corner, just as the man informed me she would be.

‘Listen, sweetheart, this is not going to be a good Christmas for you if you do not shift your arse elsewhere. This is my corner, see, so go find your own one,’ replies the woman in a red leather mini with thigh boots and a Santa hat. She must be freezing to death despite the red fake fur jacket she is wearing to keep her red glitter boob tube warm.

‘I’m not looking for a corner; I’m looking for a woman.’

‘Well you should have said something before I mistook you for competition, not a client . . . what can Pussy-In-Boots do for you?’

‘Oh you thought I was a hooker too. No, this is fancy dress,’ I replied.

‘Whatever gets you off, sweetheart is fine by me so being a sexy nurse does it for you then . . . me too . . . I might offer a discount.’

‘I’m not out here to do business, well, actually I am. I am willing to pay an old woman for services rendered so you wouldn’t happen to know where I can find one, do you?’ My teeth chatter from the cold.

‘You like them wrinkly, do you?’ The woman seems used to cold.

‘Not in that way. I heard there are normally two of you hanging out.’

‘I told you, it’s my corner and no brunette is sharing it, you got that.’

‘Loud and clear, yes . . . so do you know any old women who are homeless around here?’ I was wishing I had brought a coat with me.

‘I might do,’ she says but is then distracted as a car slowly crawls to a stop before the window winds down and a finger pops out to call her over. I was left standing by myself and feeling left out again for the second time tonight as my new friend would rather be with a stranger.

‘Sorry to interrupt but I will lose the use of my feet if I stay here any longer. I cannot feel them so I will get off. If you could just point me in the right direction of the old woman, I would really appreciate it.’

‘How much would you appreciate it?’ the woman in red asks me.

‘If you want money, I can pay you for the information.’

‘I earn my own money thanks, but if you help me out then I will gladly tell you exactly where an old homeless woman beds down.’

‘What do you mean by, help?’ I did not like the sound of this.

‘This regular client of mine here, wants a Christmas special see but I work alone so I was wondering if you would pair up just this once.’

‘I told you already, I am not a prostitute,’ I insist with a raised voice.

‘All right, keep your knickers on and you will be able to. This punter just wants you to watch us and maybe touch your boobs, that’s all I swear, nothing more so if you do this for me then I will help you out.’

‘No, I’m sorry but no can do. I’m pregnant,’ I said as if that was a barrier to sex of any kind, but it was what got me in this predicament.

‘A foursome, great . . . he will pay extra for that.’

‘The answer is still no. Are you going to help me or not?’

‘Not, but I cannot see the big deal. You do not have to do nothing but sit there and stare. Have you never watched porn before?’

‘Yes, of course I have. I am not a child. Only I have never watched a live show, put it that way. It would be worse than watching two dogs going at it, since that embarrasses me enough to get nervous giggles.’

‘He might like you to giggle like a little girl, he might even enjoy it.’

‘Sorry to have bothered you. Have a good Christmas, bye,’ I say before carefully inching my way along the icy road in my heels as the woman climbs into the luxury vehicle. My whole body is literally quivering with cold. I cannot stand it a moment longer. I need heat.

‘If you change your mind, you know where I am,’ she shouts at me. I move away but I could be wandering around these streets all night at this rate so I decide to man-up and go back to his warm expensive car.

‘Shove over and let, Esme in,’ I command as the door opens and I sit next to the hooker on the backseat as she starts playing with the man. They are too engrossed in what they are doing to notice if I have, my eyes open or shut so I closed them to block out the sight. Only I could not block out the sounds and this will be giving me nightmares for years to come I’m sure since it is not something you can erase from memory that easily, so I hope it is worth it to get me what I need. Seriously, how far would you go to secure a happy Christmas had by all? I doubt many would do this, but it was the easier option or at least I keep telling myself that as I listen to them going at it as she sits on his lap and rides up and down. This has to be one of the lowest points of my life so I pray nobody sees me in this backseat or the game is up.

‘Take your fingers out of your ears and put your hands on your boobs and rub them hard,’ instructs the hooker, tapping my shoulder.

‘Did he just ask for that? I didn’t hear him,’ I replied as I did as told.

‘He doesn’t need it to turn him on, but I do,’ she says as I carry on running my hands over my half clothed and half exposed breasts and at least it is helping to warm them up a bit so that is one good thing. While I spit out bunches of blue tinsel that are getting in my