Gospels & Scriptures from the Church of Astrology
By Mark Mager
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Gospels & Scriptures from the Church of Astrology - Mark Mager
Gospels & Scriptures from The Church of Astrology
Chapter One: The Planets (2010 – 2011)
Welcome Brothers and Sisters. I love you all.
HOROSCOPE10/1:Love is in the air. It is all around you. Aries is rising. Now is the time. Get caught up in the madness. Share your chips with random strangers.
HOROSCOPE10/2:You drink to party. I drink to forget. Saturn and Neptune mean nothing. Tonight we drink.
HOROSCOPE10/3:Others rejoice, yet you are solemn. Mercury moves in areas I would rather not mention with Venus in the room. (Whispered) Bet low.
HOROSCOPE10/4:Seeking true love? Wait for Libra to be done with Mercury. Also, one of those big furry scarves looks great this time of year.
HOROSCOPE10/5:Time to be adventurous what with Saturn aligning with whomever he pleases since Jupiter's gone. A Moon link? Not on first date my calendar girl.
HOROSCOPE10/7:People offering help? Or is it just more mystic booty? The Moon activates 20 degrees from Gemini. 20 degrees!! Order anything on the menu.
HOROSCOPE10/8:Venus is flat out insane. Re-evaluate your love ties. Mars tells us to hide our secrets. But don't hide them from me.
HOROSCOPE10/9:Be wary of news from someone you're fond of. The Moon cycle is all over the place. Look both ways and then both ways again.
HOROSCOPE10/10:Neptune is in a harmonious trine with Uranus. I know it sounds weird but you must believe me. Have you tried the cod?
HOROSCOPE10/11:Thinking of starting a new business? Pisces is making a 45 degree link with Saturn. Draw attention to yourself by wearing red.
HOROSCOPE10/12:Feeling uneasy? The planetary alignments of Mars/Jupiter is behind it. Fact. The cure? Ten straight rounds of table tennis.
HOROSCOPE10/13:One thing about Leos you can count on: playing The Lion Sleeps Tonight on the jukebox. Take the day off. My treat.
HOROSCOPE10/14:Feeling the heat from the kitchen? Mars demands satisfaction. Don't let romance get in the way of your career. The number five.
HOROSCOPE10/15:Been overeating recently? Pluto now aligned with Moon's little sister. No, the other one. So like, you know, be cool about it.
HOROSCOPE10/16:Financial gains are going around. Jupiter sings like a schoolgirl. Follow your dreams, from a distance. Surgical mask.
HOROSCOPE10/17:Legendary coin flip to be in your favor. Jupiter makes good on bet notoriously entered while drunk. Superstars with frisbees.
HOROSCOPE10/18:Inter-family feuding? Mercury feels your pain, moving into Venus' path. Why not go big. Be the Ray Kroc of your generation.
HOROSCOPE10/19:A true love returns from the past. Jupiter flirts with Moon. If you ever wanted to bake a cake but haven't, today is that day.
HOROSCOPE10/20:Today is the day to get things done. Moon is all about it and so is Neptune. Let's all go to the store together. Who's driving?
HOROSCOPE10/21:Beware of blind justice. Or any justice for that matter. Orion battles Ursa Minor. Lay low while things cool down.
HOROSCOPE10/22:Free at last. The in-laws have left. Its like you can breath again. Screw Mars and his galactic friends! I'm having a beer!
HOROSCOPE10/23:A prime time to invest; the sun is about to shift its zodiacal axis. But whatever happens, do not wear plaid. I have spoken.
HOROSCOPE10/24:Feeling hairier than usual? It is a full Moon. But also, you probably haven't shaved in a while. No, its the Moon. I'm sure.
HOROSCOPE10/25:Things will be different starting today. Mars knows it. Moon knows it. I know it. Once you know it, things will be the same.
HOROSCOPE10/26:A large strain is about to be lifted. Saturn sits in his easy chair. Actually, hes lying on the floor. His chair is open. GO!
HOROSCOPE10/27:Now is not the time to have a bad hair day. So buckle up and hit the slopes. No red flags.
HOROSCOPE10/28:Never too early to trick and treat. Jupiter's been doing it all year. So just roll on up to the trough and hog away.
HOROSCOPE10/29:Its no wonder your sign is so intense. Saturn is aligning himself with the desire to make things happen. Go big. Go bold.
HOROSCOPE10/30:There's a lot of talk about love and of soul mates. Venus however is passed out and tells us nothing. So wing it for 24 hrs.
HOROSCOPE10/31:OK OK. Venus is back up. Love is back in the air again. Everyone suit up and get ready. This is the one. I'm cracking the seal on my gum.
HOROSCOPE11/1:Expect things to get a little nutty. Why? Mars is on this new diet. If you're going to an interview, speak with a funny accent.
HOROSCOPE11/2:The cold season is coming. Jupiter himself is pulling out the wool sweaters. Time to bring back that red scarf.
HOROSCOPE11/3:Confront problems. Scorpios get off your collective asses - do something. Everyone else gravy train while they do all the work.
HOROSCOPE11/4:Any concerns you had, throw them aside. Neptune is raging and so should you be. Drive offensively. Merge! Merge!
HOROSCOPE11/5:Being a good role model? Jupiter had a lot he could teach us until he passed out at a red light. Well, he still can teach us.
HOROSCOPE11/6:Scorpios, you got another thing coming. Saturn locked his keys in the car. Meaning, its your turn to drive.
HOROSCOPE11/7:Thinking of having guests over? Mars has gotten into the astro cookies and hidden them from Moon. Expect 6 months of darkness.
HOROSCOPE11/8:Time to rock the boat. Pluto was locked out of the house and demands blood. Go into work wearing oven mitts. Spatula optional.
HOROSCOPE11/9:You need a master plan. Saturn's master plan is to play video poker. Your master plan should be to not play video poker. Instead try darts.
HOROSCOPE11/10:Scorpios do you have no shame? Regardless, Pluto would like to get to know you. I would just like the money. You pick.
HOROSCOPE11/1:Humor is the secret weapon. Neptune is the secret enemy. I mean, he drinks like a fish. Try the cod.
HOROSCOPE11/12:OK. New business idea. Some credit to Mercury's recent alignment with Moon. Meat flavored gum. The lobster has butter inside!!
HOROSCOPE11/13:Who doesn't feel the collective cash crunch? Even Mars is late on his payments. He's rolled it into being 'early.' Genius!
HOROSCOPE11/14:You are in-tune with cosmic vibrations and other vibrations. Venus would like to get to know you. But wear the eye patch.
HOROSCOPE11/15:Have people been prying into your life? Pluto is in your