Fighting Words

I'm guessin'

You never heard nobody like me,

When there's so many people like me.

~Lil Rob

This book is dedicated to my sister.

I can't imagine making it through our childhood without you.

Chapter 1

Most people are nervous before they go on stage. They pace, they eat, they drink, they smoke, or they sit in a corner and freak out. Lila, my cousin and the guitarist for our band avoids being nervous by working the crowd or practicing, even though she's brilliant on any instrument she plays. Our drummer used to like trolling for girls. He liked to get laid before we went on stage. Like RIGHT before we went on stage.

Hey, we all have our thing. Everyone, that is, except me. In the moments before I go on stage, I'm calmer than any other time in my life. It's not that I know I have a good voice, even though I do. It's deep and sultry with a hint of the famous Janis Joplin rasp. It's not because I am so confident in myself that I know I do everything perfect.

Far from it.

In my everyday life, I live in fear. I've managed to overcome some of that fear in my twenty seven years, but it's still a part of me, a part of my life, how I maneuver through life, and how I keep myself from making a royal fool of myself on a regular basis. When I'm not on stage, I keep my mouth shut for the most part.

Once I step into the light, though, everything changes. If I were hooked up to a heart monitor, I'm sure it would show my blood pressure at a normal rate and my heart for once not pounding in my chest. So in those moments before my band's gig, while Lila is practicing one of our songs and Ezekiel, our drummer and keyboardist, is setting up our equipment, I was sitting on a couch backstage checking my phone.

You know there's scouts here tonight? Some big producer from California is looking for new talent. I looked up from my phone to see Lila had paused to re-inform me of something we'd already discussed—many times.

And he thinks he's going to find it in Indiana? We'd driven two hours from our hometown to the capital for this gig, and she knew the only reason I came here regularly was because the owner was a friend of the family and she'd promised to never take us back to Colorado. She also knew that I was well aware there were going to be people here from Cali. It wasn't the first time we'd been scouted, and it probably wouldn't be the last.

You can't have a voice like yours, keep playing all over the Midwest, and think no one is going to notice. How many times have we had this conversation? I rolled my eyes at her comments and went back to my phone.

Let it go, Lila.

Fine, fine, she acquiesced. She had held true to her word after Colorado.

Between our large family and Lila's excessive social media-ing, the three of us had been able to make a decent living off music for the past three years, ever since Lila had been one of EZ's pre-show lays at a local concert she'd gone to. She brought him back to my aunt's house after the show and forced me to sing. I'd been singing at family events for as long as I remember, but that was the first time a non-family member had heard me.

I think that's when this all began because the minute I opened my mouth, Lila and EZ were whispering back and forth.

Four Years Ago

Chapter 2

You can do this, Sara. You sing at every family cookout and get-together. This is no different. We're the opener and it's only three songs. I'll do all the talking to the crowd. You just sing. Lila was crouched down beside me while I sat with my head between my legs on a folding chair. I'd never been so terrified in all my life, and I was seriously wondering how the hell Lila talked me into this.

I can't—I can't do this. I was about to cry, and I sure as hell wasn't going up in front of a bunch of people with puffy eyes, even if there were only fifty people in the bar.

Sara, look at me. I lifted my head from between my legs, counting each breath in attempts to get them under control. "We're in South Bend, not Fort Wayne. No one knows us here. And you can do it. I know you can."

We both paused as we heard the name we'd picked out at the last minute called. We've got EZ Does It in the house tonight. They're going to play a couple songs while Robin finishes getting ready. Is everyone ready to hear something new?

Four things happened next.

1. Robin Bells was an amazing R&B singer both Lila and I loved, and I realized it was a terrible idea opening for someone like her. If I did make it up there, how could I compete with Robin Bells?

2. Hearing our band's name called out loud made me think it sucked balls.

3. I threw my head between my legs and yelled for a bucket. Lila shoved a trash can underneath my face.

4. I barfed.

Here, take this water. Lila shoved a bottle in my hand and I swished it around my mouth before spitting into the trashcan. And here's a mint.

I felt her shove a handful of Altoids in my mouth and grab my hand. I wiped my mouth with my sleeve, my head foggy from vomiting, fear or more likely both. When she pulled me to the stage, I stood back in the wings.

How's everyone doing? Lila yelled into the microphone. She took it off the stand and began talking to the crowd. What did she say? I haven't a clue. I was frozen at the side of the stage chomping on Altoids and freaking out. EZ was already sitting next to his drum kit and keyboard.

Next thing I knew, she was shoving the microphone in my hand and picking up her guitar. She began the intro to Seconds of Pleasure by Van Hunt. I looked at her, my brown eyes overflowing with terror, and she nodded for me to begin.

I missed my cue.

She looked at EZ and they smoothly transitioned back to the start of the song, no one the wiser that I'd just choked and was about to barf all over the stage.

Lila walked over to me as she played and whispered in my ear. You'll never know if you don't try.

Damn her. Our great grandmother used to tell us that, and upon her passing our grandmother had picked up the saying and kept it alive. It'd become the family motto; only everyone knew it didn't always apply to me.

I closed my eyes and pictured my dead great grandmother, and when my cue came back around I quietly began singing. I let the words flow out of my mouth as they always did when I sang. Blocking out everything but the lyrics, I clutched the mic and poured my soul into a song I'd sung a million times. It was a favorite at our family gatherings, one of the reasons Lila chose it.

Slowly, I felt my voice grow stronger. I kept my eyes closed, afraid that if I opened them the reality of it all would crush me and I wouldn't be able to finish our set. I imagined being in my mom's backyard, our huge family surrounding us, grilling, chatting, laughing, and listening to me sing. That's how we did it. BBQs were a common occurrence in our family as soon as the snow melted. I held onto that thought as we transitioned into The Sweetest Taboo by Sade.

Despite my shortcomings, my mom realized I could sing at a young age. Her sister, AKA Lila's mom and AKA my Aunt Goldie, being the forever wild child that she was ran, off to New Orleans when she was a teen. She came back married to a guitarist and with a baby. Aunt Goldie made Lila start learning the guitar once her little fingers grew long enough. Her dad had genetically passed on the music genes and Lila picked it up easily enough. She could also play the violin, viola, and just about anything else with strings. We were a group of three with two members playing multiple instruments, but they only had two hands each.

EZ often recorded parts of songs that he played when we needed an extra set of hands. This was the case as we moved into our final song, Pink's Don't Let Me Get Me. Lila switched to the electric guitar, EZ played the keyboard, and his laptop provided the beats for us. As I sang the final song, I thought about the words coming out of my mouth. Sometimes like in the lyrics, I wanted to be someone else, and understood where Pink was coming from. Maybe we all wished to be someone else at times.

Or maybe it was just me.

Unlike Pink, I didn't have the option to change everything about myself for LA Reid or anyone else. I was stuck with me and a mouth that only worked sometimes.

The song finished up, closing out the three songs we'd been asked to play. I kept my eyes closed, still afraid to peek out of them. I wasn't sure what was going to happen when I opened them, and was seriously contemplating never doing so again.

Hey, Statue Girl. Do you hear that? I opened my eyes and looked over at Lila who was standing next to me whispering in my ear.

I kept my eyes locked on hers as my mind began to filter reality back into it. The crowd was clapping and whistling. From the wings, I could see past the lights to the crowd that had stood up from their seats and were cheering for our band. I should've been elated, right? I should've been ecstatic that they'd liked us. So why was I running back to that damn bucket to vomit again?

Lila was by my side, her unplugged guitar still hanging from her back. She knelt down beside me and rubbed my back.

They loved you, Sara. Why are you barfing? You know there was no way they wouldn't love your voice, and they did. You heard them cheering for us. So, what's up, cousin?

I—I—I don't know. That's all I got out before I was barfing again. Lila passed me some water and went to help EZ load up our gear in the car.

EZ and Lila were amped the whole way home, excited at how well the crowd had received us. It wasn't a big bar, nor was it packed with thousands of people, but everyone in the place loved our sound. It was a little rock, a lot R&B, and every now and then at a family BBQ I was known to break out in some free verse.

Fuck, that was amazing. I've been playing since I was thirteen, and I've never had a crowd go that wild before. Sara, that was all you. It sure as hell wasn't my drumming or skills on the keyboard. The owner already wants us back next weekend to open for another performer, only now he wants us for six songs. That's double what we did tonight. Can you fucking believe it? This is it. No more living on tuna and peanuts!

Lila and EZ were both like this in the front of my mom's SUV she'd let us borrow to haul the instruments. Both were talking like we were going to be doing this again.

Sara, aren't you excited for next weekend? Lila turned around, possibly making sure I was done barfing, which I was. There was nothing left in my stomach, and at some point in the dressing room I'd just been dry heaving.

We're not pl—pl—pl—pl—

Stop.

Breathe in.

Exhale.

Playing again.

Lila looked at me like I was insane, which was a normal reaction. We'd killed it on stage, but there was no way I was doing that again. I'd stick to backyard BBQs.

Sara, how can you say that? You sang beautifully. EZ chimed in his agreement. Don't you want to do it again?

I'm not sssssss— I felt the tears building. Damnit. I hated when the tears came. Ssssspeaking.

Anyone besides Lila would've thought I was a raging bitch for refusing to speak. I think EZ, who didn't know me very well yet, had those thoughts running though his head, though I'd told Lila to fill him in about my problem. I also told her that he didn't need to bring it up. Obviously it wasn't something I wanted to talk about, but it was easier if people knew.

We drove the last hour home to Fort Wayne in silence. Lila was driving and dropped EZ off at his house on the east side. It was late by the time we got to my mom's, but she was waiting up for us, as was Aunt Goldie and half the damn family. I went in the house and passed by everyone, heading straight for the stairs to my room. I heard Lila telling my mom about the show as I hung my head and climbed the steps to the second floor.

The excitement from Lila's voice in the car had faded, and she now spoke like her dog had just been given a week to live. It was amazing. Sara was amazing. You know her voice can move a room. They all stood up to clap and cheer for us.

So why is my daughter crying?

You know why, was all Lila told her.

I don't know what else was said because I got into my room and lost it. Crawling into bed, I sobbed. I didn't even change clothes; I just got under the covers, turned my face into the pillow, and did my best to keep my wails hidden within the confines of the cotton comforter pulled over my head. I was planning to cry myself to sleep. My mom had other plans as I felt the bed dip next to me.

Are you OK, sweetheart?

I peeked my head out from under the covers.

No.

Do you want to talk about it? she asked.

I broke into a fresh set of tears and shook my head. Talking was the last thing I wanted to do.

OK, dear. No talking tonight. She slipped her shoes off, lifted the covers, and slid in next to me, pulling me into her arms like I was a ten year old child and not a twenty-three year old woman. I turned to her and buried my face in her sweater. She wrapped her arms around me and let me cry myself to sleep as I initially intended.

Chapter 3

I woke up the next day in desperate need of a shower. I could feel the dry, tight skin under my eyes caused by salty tears. I'm sure they were a puffy mess.

My mom had left me alone at some point in the night, retreating back to her own room. Some might find it strange for a woman my age to sleep with her mom, but since my dad died in Iraq my mom said her bed felt empty without him. She often fell asleep with me only to return to her own room in the middle of the night, offering me some sense of independence by not having to wake up with my mother next to me each day. I was grateful for it. I loved my family and had no desire to move out, but I was still twenty-three and waking up next to your mom each day would've been a total drag.

It was Sunday, which meant the family would be getting together. I hoped it wasn't my mom's turn to host. I didn't feel like dealing with everyone in my house. I showered the previous night away and went into the kitchen following the smell of bacon and pancakes.

Hey, sweetheart. Sleep well?

Yeah, Mom. I feel like a new woman. Sarcasm laced my voice as I wished I could be a new woman, a different woman.

But I couldn't. I had to play the cards I was dealt.

You know you don't have to, but if you want to talk about last night, I'm all ears.

I sighed deep and with longing.

I puked, multiple times. Mom, I was terrified and I don't want to feel like that.

Lila said the crowd loved your singing, and she did all the talking.

Yeah. I guess.

Mom put a plate of food in front of me and gave me the look. Damnit, the look. I knew what it meant. It was her telling me the same thing my great-grandma, and now my grandma, always said.

I did try. I tried and I barfed until there was nothing left to come up. God, I sounded like a whining brat.

Did you really try? Like, really? Why was she stressing the word really? I think you tried and got scared, which is OK, sweetheart. Did you give it your all, though? Are you really going to let one night stop you from sharing with the world the amazing voice you were given? Lila said that same place wants you back again next Saturday. Why don't you go?

I groaned into my bacon. Thanks for the pep talk, Mom, but I think I'll pass. Can we drop the subject?

Though she accepted my words and dropped the topic, I knew I'd be hearing about it again. This conversation may be over with my mom, but it was far from finished altogether. I ate my pancakes and helped clean the kitchen. Mom went upstairs to shower, and I retreated to my room to read. My world sucked, so the thought of getting lost in another one seemed pretty damn appealing.

I was knee deep in a Kristen Ashley alpha-male when Lila came in my room.

What's up, cousin? Are you gonna go to Aunt Cece's today or hide out in your room all day?

I looked up from my Kindle to see my cousin standing with her hands on her slim hips. She was 5'7" and most of it was leg. She had her mother's dark blond hair, her Colombian father's bronze skin and green eyes. No one in the family was sure where the green eyes came from since neither her mother or father had colored eyes. We were about the same height and build, though that's where the resemblance stopped. I had dark brown hair, so dark it was almost black, matching brown eyes and skin that tanned well in the summer, though I was diligent with my sunscreen due to my pale skinned mother. According to her, I'd gotten my dark hair and ability to get a tan from my father. In the pictures of him in Iraq, he was so dark he looked Latino or Asian, especially with his jet black hair.

Earth to Sara. You coming or what?

No, I didn't want to go! What was she thinking?

I put my Kindle on the nightstand and looked her straight in the eye. You were there last night. Do you think I want to go see the whole family today? I'm sure they all know by now what happened.

So you're going to let one night keep you from Aunt Cece's ribs? Come on.

I'm going to be uncomfortable. Lila knew what happened when I was uncomfortable.

Being with family is the one place you can feel comfortable and not have to worry. No one is going to hound you with questions. They all know, and that's why you don't need to worry. We love you and respect you enough to not say shit. You know that.

She was right. I loved my family because they were my blood, but more so because I was at ease with them. It was one of the few times I wasn't afraid to open my mouth.

Alright, but will you drive? It's Aunt Cece, so you know she bought beer to go with those ribs and I'm thinking after last night, a few beers sound pretty good.

I got out of bed and put my sneakers on while Lila picked through my closet to see if there was anything new I'd bought recently for her to borrow. There wasn't.

Oh, here's your cut of the money. Lila handed me fifty dollars.

Thanks, I mumbled.

They offered us $250 if we'd come back next week and play double the songs.

I didn't look up from tying my shoe, nor did I respond to her comment.

We arrived at Aunt Cece's and Uncle Wilford's place shortly after one o'clock. Lila's four sisters were already there, as was my mom. Uncle Wilford was half white and half black, making our cousin Royce a light cappuccino color. He had freckles that covered his face which he hated with a passion. The rest of us thought they were cute and at odds with his muscled body. Royce had always been tall, his dad being well over six feet, but in his last year of high school he'd shot up to 6'4" and at twenty his arms and chest started to fill out. In fact, his two brothers and two sisters were all over six feet. Good for the boys, not so much for his sisters. Though my twin cousins were right at six feet, they said they felt like giants. Their disdain for their stature was slightly lessened when their height and skills on the basketball court got them both full ride scholarships to Indiana University in Bloomington, hence why they weren't at the BBQ.

My favorite nieces! Aunt Cece left Uncle Wilford at the grill to come hug Lila and I.

You say that to all of us, Aunt Cece. Lila spoke the truth, but I think Aunt Cece did have a soft spot for me since I was the only cousin without siblings. Throw in the lack of a father and I was definitely the odd ball of the family. Lila was like a sister to me, though, and my family was large enough to never feel alone.

Hey Aunt Cece. You making your famous ribs?

You know it. She winked at me.

Do you have any beer here?

Of course. Let me go grab you one. She winked again as she walked into the house.

Did I mention Aunt Cece was a winker?

Getting right to it, eh? It wasn't that I didn't drink, but usually I waited until later in the afternoon, hence Lila's surprise to see me getting a beer from the gate.

Do you want me to respond, or would you like to live another day?

You're my favorite cousin, Sara, and unlike Aunt Cece I really mean it. I know last night was a rough one for you, but you're with family now and it's all good. Plus you have me by your side, so don't sweat it, OK?

People outside of the family knew me as the nice, sweet, quiet girl. Lila, like the rest of my relatives, knew me as the opposite, and she was right, I loved Sundays. I loved my family and our cookouts. I wasn't going to let one night ruin it. I linked my arm through Lila's and laid my head on her shoulder.

Thanks.

For what?

For putting up with my crap and not calling me a bitch. I was being a wee bit bitchy, and she was nice for not pointing it out, even if I knew she wanted to.

Cousin, I got your back. You had a rough night so I gave you a pass. Tomorrow, though, I'll call your ass out in a heartbeat. Just so you know. She winked at me. And here comes Aunt Cece with your beer.

I winked back at her and we both laughed.

Here you go, ladies. I brought one for you too, Lila.

Thank you very much, I said grabbing both beers.

Thanks, Aunt Cece. I'm driving. Sara can have both beers. She needs them. Lila winked at Aunt Cece who winked back. I rolled my eyes. Come on. Let's go see what Royce is up to.

Lead the way, designated driver.

Chapter 4

Drinking already. Was it that bad last night?

Royce, shut it. Lila punched him in the arm.

"How about Hi, Sara. How's it going? Nice to see you. I pinned my male cousin with the death glare. Any of those would have worked. And last night pretty much sucked. I lived it. No need to relive it. Where's your girlfriend? Tammy, right?"

Royce looked at his shoes. Bingo! It wasn't my intent to change the topic in order to get the focus off me, but it seemed I stumbled upon a goldmine. The gold being me off the hook and not having to talk about the show and my excessive barfing.

Fucking bitch, Royce mumbled, still not looking up.

Hey. What happened? I put my arm on Royce's bulky shoulder, letting him know I was there for him. We all were.

Our family was large, so large even I had trouble keeping everyone straight. Royce brought his girlfriend the previous Sunday, something we only did when things were serious. At least that's how my cousins were. I'd never brought anyone to a Sunday BBQ. His girlfriend seemed nice enough, but my family can be a little overwhelming to newcomers. Maybe we scared her off?

Do you need us to punch her in the neck? Lila asked, going to Royce's other side and wrapping her arms around his waist.

Maybe. She slept with Davion. Fucking bitch. Lila leaned her head on Royce's shoulder, and he laid his head on hers. I linked my arm through his and pressed my head against his side. Poor thing. Davion was one of his best friends. He grew up with us, going to the same schools and occasionally joining us on Sunday.

I can't believe Davion would do that to you. And I couldn't. It seemed so out of character for him. Both he and Royce were two of the most easy going people I knew. Are they, like, a couple now?

I don't know. I haven't talked to either one of them since Wednesday. Davion keeps blowing up my phone, and Tammy hasn't called once.

Well, how do you know she slept with Davion? I mean, how did you find out? Lila asked the exact question I was thinking. Though she knew not to finish my sentences for me, we were often so in sync that she voiced her thoughts and they just happened to be mine as well.

I was skateboarding at Headwaters Park with Davion. Tammy was there and they were both acting weird. I didn't really see it at the time. You know, I get lost when I'm on my board, and I wasn't catching the vibe between those two. Davion got a call and said he had to go as well. Like, ten minutes later, Tammy told the friend she brought with her that she had to go. When she was kissing me goodbye is when I noticed something was up. I offered to walk her friend home since it was dark, and that's when she dropped the bomb on me.

Who? That was Lila.

Tammy's friend. That was me.

Yep, Royce confirmed. Her friend swore me to secrecy, and then told me Tammy and Davion had been fucking for two weeks. Two weeks! I fucked Tammy during those two weeks AND I even brought her over to Aunt Goldie's last weekend. Fucking bitch.

Oh, Royce. It'll be OK. Lila and I have your back. She's a skanky hoe that you don't need in your life. I could tell she was trouble last weekend. If we see her, we'll bust her face in for you. Lila looked at me and we shared one of our many silent exchanges.

Lila: You knew she was trouble?

Me: Nah. I'm just trying to make him feel better.

Lila: You gonna bust her face in?

Me: Again, nah. I've never even thrown a punch.

Lila: I know.

Me: Just say something nice to him.

This private exchange was coupled with a few head nods, eye rolls, and neck stretches.

Why don't you come to South Bend with us next weekend? Get your mind off everything. I'll sneak you in the back. I stared at Lila with my mouth hanging open. That was not what she was supposed to say. I chugged the last half of my first beer and cracked open the second one.

You think you can really get me in the back door? Royce's face was lit up like a Christmas tree.

Yeah. No problem. Lila's voice was full of confidence.

Thanks, you guys. My favorite cousins. For real. That's just what I need—to get out of Fort Wayne. It's so fucking small here.

South Bend is smaller than Fort Wayne, I chimed in.

But he doesn't know anyone there, and no one knows him. You can be whoever you want when you go to a different city. Plus, when you leave, you don't have to see those people ever again if you don't want to.

Lila. I drew her name out, making sure my glare conveyed the fact that I knew what she was doing. I wasn't stupid, though that's what they thought when as a kid I opened my mouth and nothing came out.

Sara. She drew my name out just as I had hers. Oh, hell no. I wasn't about to be manipulated, even if she was my favorite cousin, and Royce was nursing a broken heart. The boy was too sensitive for his own good. This wasn't his first broken heart nor would it be his last, and Lila knew it.

Royce was looking between us, lost as to what was going on. I shook my head at Lila and gave Royce's arm a squeeze.

Hang in there, Royce. With that I walked away to find my mom and let her know I was here. When she left the house, I declined her invitation to ride with her. She probably thought I wasn't going to the BBQ. She was right; I didn't plan on going until Lila showed up. I was rethinking my decision, though.

I walked in the house, saying hello to my various family members along the way, but not stopping to talk to any of them. I found my mom in the kitchen with Aunt Goldie.

Hey there. I hugged both of them and kissed my mom on the cheek.

I didn't think you were coming, sweetheart, but I'm glad you did.

I knew you would be, Mom. Hey, Aunt Goldie. Do you guys need any help in here?

I think we've got it covered. Why don't you go talk to your cousins? Ana is here from Ball State. I'm sure she'd love to see you. Aunt Goldie was trying to be nice, but going out there with my cousins was the last thing I wanted to do, even if Ana was home from college for the weekend.

When you have a large family like mine, there are cousins you love, like Lila, and then there are those you tolerate, like Ana. I loved her, but only because we shared the same blood. For our family, blood ran deeper than anything. So I put up with Ana