The Tears From My Soul

Acknowledgements

Those that judge me don’t matter; those who matter don’t judge me!! -(Author unknown)

My Mother:

I hope and pray that you see what the Lord has done for me, in spite of all the pain and abuse I have gone through. I just want you to know that I am still here. But it is only through the grace of my heavenly Father. I don’t blame you because my God had a plan for me before the earth was created. He knew what I would be able to endure. Thank you for being honest with me and telling me all about my childhood. I pray that other parents will tell their children the truth because it helps them to overcome their past. I love you so much.

My Brothers

(Lee, Erick, Derrick, and Aaron)

Wow, it’s been a long, hard road with you guys. We have had our moments, but through it all, the Lord has kept us. Thank you all for letting me be me. Thanks for giving me support in the times I needed it. Love you all.

My Real Daddy, James Hollman:

Papa, you were not always there for me while I was growing up, but that’s okay. I just want you to know that I am glad to have spent quality time with you while you were alive. Thank you for bringing me to this world and also encouraging me to write my life’s story. I will always love you. Rest in Peace.

My Kids—Byrant and Ashley:

Byrant, thank you for being the loving and caring son you turned out to be. Thank you for listening to me when I was proposing project after project to you. I know it was hard on you being a boy and your mother being a stripper. Thank you for not judging me. I love you so much. Remember to keep God in your life and everything will come to pass.

Ashley, I want to thank you for all of your help and for giving me advice about my book. You were very understanding and spoke the truth without really judging me for what I did for a living. You are becoming a very successful young woman, and I am so proud of you. Keep doing what you do and know that the Lord is with you.

Juilano:

Juilano, thank you nephew for all your support in making my dream come through. Love you.

Waukesha Technical College

I would like to give a tremendous thanks to the teachers who believed in me and helped me to believe in myself. I believe God has everything set in order of the way one’s life will go. He knew my heart for 25 years, but he also knew what kind of team it would take to put my life in the right order. Every time I walked into that building, I felt nothing but peace. I knew God was meeting me as long as I was being obedient to helping myself.

Alice Wells:

My mentor, you are the highest angel of all angels. Your spirit is like Deborah in the book of Judges. You are a woman with great wisdom, and I love you with all my soul. Your spiritual wisdom is guided by your ability as a prophetess, one who has a deep connection with God and discerns instruction from meditations with God. Whenever I sat and listened to you talk, I knew my soul, mind, and spirit was being fed.

Special Thanks:

This is for all of the people who believed in me and have given me hope. Without you, all of this would not be possible. I love you so much. Every time I sit and look back from where I came from, it brings tears to my eyes, but it soothes my soul. You all are very sweet and kind people. If I had it my way, you all would be the chosen ones to run a nation. Without a team, nothing is possible. With a spiritual team, all your dreams can come true. You just need to believe in your-self and know that the Lord is with you. I love you with all my heart. Thanks to my tutor Debbie, you are the sun to me; seeing brighter days, you pushed me into a life of hope!! After hearing about my past and knowing what kind of work I was doing, you still stuck by my side.

Thanks to Zakiy for coming aboard and believing in my dreams. I know that the Lord sent you my way for guidance and protection, you are my strong sister. Thank you for pushing and telling me that I can do it and not giving up on me. I love you girl.

Thanks to Monica for being my big sister and coming aboard knowing my financial situation. You encourage me in many ways to stay focus.

Thanks to Dwayne Chambers for being my best male friend and no one can ever come between that!! You have been there for me through thick and thin; you said to me once, Sharon, I may have book smart, but I don’t have your strong will power and what’s in you; many would have easily given up, and that is what makes you different.

Thanks to Mo, you are my best female friend; when you took me to the water and said, Sharon. Look. See your future, I knew then that something from within me was dying to come out. We are so much alike; it’s funny. You have been there for me no matter what. You are what they call a true BFF.

Thanks to all the others, all my nieces and nephews, cousins, uncle, and my aunties. I love you all. Thanks to the entire pastors, John at Marine View Presbyterian, Judy King, Pastor of Community Baptist Church, Pastor Wesley and Alicia Carter, Casey and Wendy Treat at Christian Faith Center for being true anointing leaders.

Thanks to Annie for your many phone praying sessions. Thanks to Dr. Edna E. Travis. Thanks to Ms. Alice Bridgewater for telling me Don’t give up baby; you can do all things through Christ. Thanks to Mother Fillmore, for teaching me how to pronounce the word Hallelujah. Dakeithio, and Boy I got you!! Big Ron, you are the Mann!! Manuel, Janet, Laquanda, Monika, Mat, Anna, Patrice, Donna, Kim, Julie & Wayne, Carvers, Clenette, Kim, Thanks to Solomon Uwadiale for having patience with me. Last but not least!! Betty Ireigbe after sitting and talking to you and reading your book I knew I had the courage to get my done. Thanks to the survivors that have been through pain and have come out on top.

Yes, I am still am reading and watching you all on television, Bishop T.D. Jakes, Tyler Perry, Ms. Oprah Winfrey and Joyce Meyers….thank you!

P.S. If I forgot you, you are in my heart. I love you.

Introduction

Growing up, I always wondered what was wrong with me. Why was it so hard for me to learn? I believed I was dumb, and I thought being dumb was normal – until I met a wonderful woman named Debra who told me that I was not dumb, but slow in learning. Still, something wasn’t right.

Though no one knew about my grades except my mother and my teachers, my grades were poor – always D’s and F’s. See, through all of my years in school, I was passed on from one grade to the next without learning anything. I remember being in 5th grade and my teacher, Mr. Rangel, said to me, Your mind ain’t right. I thought he was just saying that because I was always acting out, but I wasn’t a normal child. At the time, I had no clue why my behavior was the way it was…

In telling my story, I pray I leave you with hope, faith, and belief. I want you to learn from my experiences. It would have been easy for me to blame my parents and my teachers for how I turned out. I followed the wrong friends and got into trouble, but as you will see in my story, I was able to turn my life around with the right help from many people. Otherwise, I would have been dead by now.

After being betrayed by those who I trusted as a child, it took many years for me to understand people. I struggled with serious anxiety, depression, fear, anger, resentment, distrust, low self-esteem – not to mention, mental, physical and sexual abuse; the inability to hold down a job, lack of comprehension, and lack of confidence. I began seeking out doctors and other professionals to help me deal with my issues, which involved taking medications. However, finding the Lord provided me the opportunity to be a winner. After I began loving the Lord and crying out to Him, I finally made up my mind to no longer allow my past to have a stronghold over me. I realized there is only one doctor and He lives in all of us. As of today, I do not take any medication.

Despite it all, I overcame my challenges and declared to not allow my circumstances define me. God turned my life around from being a stripper for so many years to becoming a responsible member in my church and community. I was able to rise above my circumstances and tragedies through my faith in the Lord. I was able to forgive those who deeply hurt me, in spite of all the pain and challenges I faced.

Now that I am walking this journey for my Heavenly Father, I can honestly say I now know what the word faith really means. It means knowing that what you can’t see is working for you. And if you just believe, you will see your work manifest.

Today, I stand before you as a woman of faith. My faith isn’t dead because I believe in second chances and living in faith.

So, when you are going through some of what I went through, know that there is help for you. Begin by seeking the goodness of God. If you knock, the door shall be opened. If you ask, and I mean truly ask in His name, your prayer shall be rewarded.

Where ever you are in your life, you can overcome the power of the enemy just by reading and praying for 15 minutes each day. God loves it when we are open and honest. He just wants you to come to Him with a sincere heart.

All I can say is don’t judge me, but try to understand me. Enjoy my story!

Don’t ever give up!

In spite of it all,

Help is on the way!

Chapter 1

Born To Emma Jean

Love Your Parents with All Your Heart.

It was January 16, 1969, about 4 a.m., and the weather was cold and rainy. The sky was lit up with lightning and thunder. My mom said it was thundering so hard, it felt like the ground was trembling. The lightning from the sky made it look as if you were in a dark room and all of a sudden someone began flicking the light off and on.

As mom was walking towards my adopted grandfather’s old 1962 Chevy pickup truck, the wind was pulling her while her adopted mother was trying to help her into the truck.

My adopted grandparents lived about 45 minutes outside of Independence, Louisiana. Back then, the closest hospital was Lillie Kemp Medical Center. As they drove, the wipers were set on high, and my grandfather couldn’t even go the speed limit. Mom said she wasn’t in much pain, but her water had broken and they had to get her to the hospital because I was on my way!

The hospital building was white and built ranch style; one level, surrounded by tall trees. Back then, the capacity was only fifty people, including the ten nurses and doctors. There were no African American doctors or nurses on the hospital staff. The only black people working there were either maids or janitors.

At 6 a.m., at the age of twenty-one, my mom gave birth to her first and only girl. I came in weighing only six and a half pounds, with a head full of pretty black silky hair. The doctors said to my mom, This child is smiling… What a joy she will have on the inside!

In Louisiana, my mom was known as Emma Jean. She was only ninety-five pounds. She had a sandy brown complexion and stood about 5 feet 3 inches tall, with long sandy brown hair down her back. She was beautiful!

She was adopted at seven months. Her biological mother gave her away because, financially, she wasn’t able to take care of her and her other siblings. Eventually, my mom, her sisters and brother were all separated. However, my mom was the only one who was taken away from her birth town, Ocean Spring, Mississippi. She was placed into the arms of Harrison and Ivory Jackson in Louisiana.

Ivory couldn’t have any kids, and Harrison had heard of a family with four children who were about to be given away. That’s how they were able to adopt my mom. She had no knowledge of her biological parents until she turned eighteen.

Mom didn’t get very far in school. As a child, her education was cut very short – she only made it to the 6th grade. But as a little girl, her adopted mother, Ivory, kept her in church – that is, until she let her perverted, dirty husband rape my mom at the age of 12. I mean this was a woman who went to church every time the doors would open and even served on different auxiliaries. Yet, she still let her old ass, nasty husband rape my mom. Now, that’s what you call a wolf in sheep’s clothing

She made my mom give herself to Harrison because they wanted a child they could raise; a child they could call their own. As a result, mom gave birth to my eldest brother.

She said it seemed they went to church every day. Mount Pleasant Baptist Church is the church they attended. It was in walking distance from Old Covington Highway. If the weather was good, my mom and Ivory would walk. But if it was raining Harrison, who never attended church, would give them a ride.

She went to church until she turned eighteen. Bad experiences turned her against religion. She no longer wanted to be affiliated with hypocritical and judgmental people of the church. So, she refrained from being around any religious groups.

In her younger days, some of the places to party were called barrooms. The closest one was located in Hammond, fifteen minutes away from where mom lived. After the barroom closed, everybody would leave Hammond, and head out to a town in the woods named Tickfaw. That’s where the juke joints were.

Mom said they would party all night long until morning. Yes, you could find her at a party at least four days out of the week – even while pregnant, carrying me. Boy, did she get her party on!

Now my father (aka sperm donor) was named James, but everyone knew him as Papa. Papa was a short man. He stood about 5 feet 5 inches tall, weighed about 130 pounds, and had a mini afro. Papa was very educated. He went through all twelve years of schooling and on to college.

Papa never saw his daddy a day in his life. He was raised by his aunt, his mother’s sister, and her husband. His mother, Naomi, was too busy going to school and trying to pursue a career in California. He told me that he’d only seen her one time as a young man, and when he did finally meet her, she didn’t have too much to say.

Papa was very popular because he played in a band called the Morocco’s. He grew up learning how to run the family business and hanging out in a barroom after school. His aunt and uncle actually left him everything, including the barroom, when they took sick.

The night mom and Papa met, his band was scheduled to play at Big Toney’s, a barroom in Hammond located in the middle of the block. It was about 15 feet away from some train tracks. I can remember walking past that barroom with my mom as a little girl and the doors were always propped open. I could see either a red or blue bulb dimly lighting the bar. I always wanted to go in.

I can still see the building, built out of blocks of red bricks. The opened door was solid steel. Walking in, the bar was to your right against