The Varieties of Erotic Experience
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Paul Reidinger
Paul Reidinger is the author of several novels, including The Best Man, Good Boys, The City Kid, and The Bad American. His other books include a memoir, Lions in the Garden, a collection of essays and criticism Patchwork, and The Federalist Regained, an essay on the Constitution. He grew up in Wisconsin, was educated at Stanford University and the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and lives in San Francisco.
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The Varieties of Erotic Experience - Paul Reidinger
I.
June felt bad about dying on Sam’s mother. This seemed to be the very height of being a bad hostess—invite the mother of your son’s friend to stay in your home, then drop dead—and it certainly wasn’t part of the understanding that had brought the other woman west so that the two of them could meet at last. The meeting was supposed to be about their sons, Philip and Sam, whose togetherness somehow remained incomplete while the mothers remained unacquainted.
And they finally did meet. They met because June, under sentence of death from the doctors, knew it was now or never and because Caricia turned out to feel much the same way. The bridge had never been burned, just never built.
They got on with each other. They ate breakfast together every morning and shared the newspaper over coffee as January became February and springtime peeked through the overcast. They walked, they napped—or, June napped while Caricia quietly tidied up, saw to the laundry, emptied the dishwasher, and drew up a grocery list. They spoke of their sons and husbands. Each admitted to being relieved about having a son who preferred other sons, and each was somewhat surprised to hear the other say so.
They went to church. This was mainly Caricia’s idea. She led the way and held June’s hand. June’s other hand clutched a cane. They didn’t go to a specific church but to a variety of them. In June’s long previous life as a healthy person, she had been only vaguely aware of churches as buildings she was speeding past on her way to or from important earthly business. Now, in a slower and slowing life, she saw how many there were just a few blocks from her house.
The pagan city revealed itself as a city of churches, and there were people inside those churches, more than a few. But few of those people were people like her: upper-middle class, educated, and pale. Her kind had long ago abandoned the churches and everything they stood for as medieval and superstitious and somehow embarrassing. Faith was beneath enlightened people, even as cultural theater or a pleasant way to pass the time.
It was not with the greatest of ease that June stepped into these houses of God, even though Caricia stood beside her like a bodyguard and translator and the congregants were kind and were glad to see her. They had never seen her before, but they embraced her in all her strangeness. She smiled back, but she was thinking, Why is your God so angry with me, why is He killing me, why has He planted His terrible flower garden inside my skull?
And here she was, in a house of that very God in Whom she did not believe, hoping for a miracle of redemption and salvation she did not believe was possible. It was all a waste of time, but what