This Precious Life

THIS PRECIOUS LIFE

by Jacquelyn Deane

Copyright 2014

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.

ISBN 978-0-9931163-0-8. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic or electronic processes or in the form of a phonographic recording. The information given in this book should not be treated as a substitute for medical or psychological advice. Any use of information in this book is undertaken at the readers discretion.

This book is based on actual true events. Some names have been changed to protect identities of individuals where necessary.

Prologue

How do any of us really define the true meaning of our lives? Is it in the smiles of the people we meet, the hearts of those we love or through pride for the things we achieve? Do we spend each moment truly thankful for every second spent in the arms of our loved ones or with appreciation for the splendor of a sunrise? Sadly no. The truth is that in our everyday lives, most of us simply don’t stop to notice what is going on around us. We are too busy rushing around, moving from moment to moment never stopping to see what is really important to us. We don’t take the time to value what we have right now in this moment, choosing instead to race constantly towards a place that we feel we need to be in order to be happy. Happiness often seems to be an elusive external entity that we must seek out in order to fully understand what our true value on this planet is. The biggest problem comes when everything you take for granted each day is suddenly taken away. What then is left to focus on when you didn’t really notice what you had in the first place?

Growing up at the hands of abusive parents had been bad enough, but it was not until I turned nineteen that events in my life took a sinister turn. I had always felt unloved and unwanted by my family but I was able to cope because I had good friends around me who I knew would never abandon me. The day my life changed forever became the start of a downward spiral that would take me to the very edge of existence.

It took just a few seconds for my entire life to come crashing down around me. A single moment to shatter every dream I had ever harbored and every ambition I ever strove to achieve. It’s ironic to think just how quickly everything you hold so dear to your heart can change in a millisecond and things you took for granted just a moment earlier can suddenly feel a million miles away. Your life quite literally performs a one hundred and eighty degree turn and in the time it takes to blink an eyelid you find yourself lost, standing in a world you no longer understand. Most people believe that they are in control of everything. They go from day to day blindly unaffected by most of what is going on outside of their own experience of life. I was exactly the same. I went around feeling as if nothing and no-one could affect me, but all that changed during one seemingly innocent sunny afternoon in June, 1989. Everything that I had ever taken for granted vanished into thin air that day. That single moment took me over twenty years to come to terms with, and even now, I often find myself asking, why?

I still remember the first time I realised that I was no longer me anymore. I can't recall anything of the accident and I couldn't tell you what happened that day, but I do know that I woke up in a hospital bed with a terrifying sensation that even now I cannot properly explain to anyone. I have tried on many occasions to explain to people what I have to deal with every single day and others have attempted to acknowledge that they 'get it'. However, the look they usually give me indicates that the knowledge behind their actual understanding is close to zero. It's not their fault of course. How can anyone really understand what happened to my head when I can't even make sense of it myself? All I know is that I felt more afraid after my accident than I could ever have imagined possible. No one around me could offer any answers. No doctor’s words told any truths. I still remember the way they looked at me, baffled by what they were seeing and unable to explain how I could even be functioning. They say the human brain is a very complex piece of machinery and that we all balance on a thin line that separates sanity and insanity. They don’t know the half of it.

The moment I was conscious I knew that everything had changed, although I had absolutely no idea why. To me, it had happened instantaneously and even though I could look in the mirror and recognise the young man looking back, I was nothing like the person I had once known. Where he went, I have no idea, but I have lived every day since wondering how my life altered so quickly. When you are young you have a belief that nothing can touch you, nothing can hold you back. Old age and pain seem a million light years away and no one can possibly detach you from the dreams you hold so close. When something terrible happens and suddenly you realise that you are not in control of anything at all, that we are all just floating along trying to get by the best we can, you find yourself seeing things on a very different level.

If life is made up of a series of events that delivers us abjectly to where we are right now; an unparalleled journey that enforces lessons in strength where strength cannot be found, to understand others when others turn their backs, and to believe in something when truth is only a distant fantasy, then I am still making discoveries every single day. My wife often tells me that everything happens for a reason, and although she may be right, the memories of my life are often jumbled, confusing and downright unforgiving. This book is partly for my own personal record, so that I can make sense out of it all and hopefully show others out there that no matter what goes on in your life, there is always hope. If you believe in yourself enough. I know I can’t speak for everyone else and I know that there are other people out there who have gone through a lot worse than me. But this is my story. This is my perception of the world and shows how my viewpoints have changed over the years.

The question I have now is where to begin my story. There are so many pivotal moments in my life from where I could start this journey with you dear reader. Do I start from when I died, or from when I truly began to live? All I know is that I am opening up old wounds, clearing out my skeletons and re-living painful experiences from which I still have no idea how I survived.

How do you explain death? Come to think of it, how do you truly explain life? When the only thing that you can feel is the pounding of your own heart a single moment before it stops beating, you have to ask yourself a question. What the hell is this life really all about? My heart has stopped beating a total of five times and although not all at the same time thank goodness, it’s enough to make me feel grateful that I am still alive. There are two, no ... three points in my lifetime that I can honestly say without hesitation that I should have died, but by some miracle I am still here long after many of my loved ones have long departed this earth.

Maybe the best place to begin is when I became a different person so that maybe one day, when this book is written, I will be able to look back and understand my own personal journey. I may be able to make sense of every single painful event that has bought me to where I am today. I am one of the lucky ones. I have lived through the worst, and survived. I have battled where hope seemed lost and I found something more special than I ever dreamed possible. Things that happen in your life define who you are. The things that have happened in my life defined how I survived...

Chapter 1

It was just another midweek evening as I drove home from work through those familiar country lanes that October in 1988. A low fog had formed over the nearby fields which made the trees look stunning in the dim Autumnal haze. I could hear music on the radio but I wasn’t really listening, pre-occupied with a future that I could potentially forge for myself if I put my mind to it. I was confident that I could get my body into the best physical shape of my life and concentrate hard over the upcoming winter months to ready myself for what I hoped would be the season that saw me sign with Honda and earn a living as a high paid motocross professional. It meant I could quit my nine to five job for good and finally make Mary proud of me. Life was amazing and at that moment I was so happy to be alive. I smiled when I thought about how impressed she would be of my achievements, knowing that all my training was about to pay off.

It was the end of one of the best motocross season’s I had had since first getting on a bike just two years earlier. I turned up the volume on the radio and caught the sound of Jon Bon Jovi blasting his powerful voice through my speakers. I tapped the steering wheel to the beat and sang loudly, caring nothing of how I must have looked to anyone else as I nodded my head in time to the music. I was excited and eager to dream of a future unknown and I knew that if I worked hard enough I could make it happen.

Looking back it seems almost surreal to think how quickly time escapes us and the confident eighteen year old boy that I had been at that point now seems a long distant memory that to be fair, I have almost forgotten. They say that life is made up of milestones, collections of memories that take us back to the times when we were most happy. For me, it was the simple feeling of exhilaration moments before a race began. It reflects a time when I had no commitments, no worries and no fear of a future uncertain. I loved motocross. With no responsibilities and absolutely no regard for anything other than being alive, it is a time in my life that to this day, I reserve a very special place.

I was still feeling the buzz of my own heightened sense of awareness as I settled down in front of the television with a plate of cheese on toast balancing on my knee, flicking channels with half interested intention. It was getting late by the time I had fed the dog, showered and tidied the house so when I heard a knock at the front door, I was a little irritated. Sabre instantly ran to the window, barking her usual warnings to any stranger outside to stay away. It’s funny to think how quickly a good mood can alter and in the few seconds it took me to unlock that door, my exhilaration had instantly changed to one of uncertainty.

My next door neighbour Jane stood in the darkened porch, her slipper covered feet soaking up the damp October air and looking exceptionally worried.

Oh Dean, She sounded relieved to see me. Gaby just called. She asked if you could drive straight over there. I shared a house with some friends from the motocross club and as we couldn’t afford a telephone of our own, if anyone wanted to contact us they would simply call next door. We had good neighbours and the arrangement suited us fine.

Gaby? I hadn’t spoken to either of the girls that day and as I had not had time to pop round to their flat before driving home, my attention was instantly caught. What’s wrong? Something didn’t feel right and Jane saw the look of confusion on my face immediately.

She wouldn’t tell me what the problem was but just said she’d explain everything to you when you get over there. It was clear by the look on her face that Jane had sensed something in Gaby’s tone and it worried me. Gaby rarely needed to phone me at the house and would only do so if something needed my urgent attention. Something serious had happened. I just knew it and the knot forming in my stomach was screaming abuse at me as I stood in that hallway not quite knowing what to do next. If there was nothing wrong, why hadn’t she just given Jane a message and prevented the panic that was rising in my throat? Where was Mary? Jane hadn’t mentioned anything about her at all. Was she okay? She wasn’t away on a modelling shoot so she should be at home with Gaby.

In a daze I grabbed my car keys from the shelf in the hallway and left Sabre staring longingly at my cheese on toast as I practically slammed the front door behind me. Drive carefully- I heard Jane mutter as I clambered into my car.

Thoughts that I couldn’t control screamed through my mind as every single set of traffic lights between Southam and Nuneaton slowed me down, mocking my rising panic with their red glow. As busy as our lives had become in recent years, I would always make the effort to call in and see the girls after work before driving home. I would often eat dinner with them and take a shower at their flat on the rare occasion I wasn’t at the gym so the fact that I hadn’t seen either of them tonight made me even more anxious. As Mary had begun working away from home more often, our time together had become incredibly precious to the both of us and we treasured any opportunity we had to catch up with what was going on in each other’s lives. It didn’t matter where in the world she was at any one time or how obscure the time differences were, she always made the effort to call me and we would spend hours chatting on the telephone at stupid times of the day and night. I would often receive a phone call at four in the morning and the long distance charges must have cost her a fortune. Those darkened country roads seemed to stretch on forever that night and when I finally arrived at the flat my nerves were in tatters.

I parked carelessly on the curb outside the flat and noticed that both Gaby’s and Mary’s cars were parked on the drive as normal. Nothing unusual about that. I scrambled to unlock the main door of the building feeling my hands shaking and missing twice before I managed to get the key in the lock. As I raced up those stairs I could have had no idea what I was about to witness.

Gaby met me in the doorway as I barged unceremoniously through the front door. She instantly put a hand on my arm to slow me down.

What’s happened? Are you okay? I demanded hurriedly as the terrified look on Gaby’s face told its own story. Her cheeks had an ashen grey tinge and she was biting her bottom lip absently. It seemed as if she hadn’t really noticed my presence and when she didn’t offer any immediately answer, I pulled my arm free and pushed passed her into the living room. As I swung open the door, the sight that met me quite literally stopped me in my tracks, and even to this day is one that I will never forget.

I couldn’t actually see her face to begin with but I immediately noticed how Mary was sitting curled up on one edge of the sofa. She was trembling like a child who had just encountered a most terrifying nightmare. Her hair was damp, half glued to the side of her face and she was sobbing uncontrollably, nothing but a damp towel wrapped around her goose bumped body. I walked closer and quietly called her name, not understanding what was going on and wondering what the hell had happened to her. She flinched and for a second I genuinely thought she hadn’t recognised me. She wouldn’t look at me. This was not like Mary. I was usually the first person she turned to when something was wrong and this felt very wrong. Very wrong indeed.

Mary? I whispered, barely hearing my own words. Slowly she turned her tear stained face towards me keeping her chin pressed down towards her chest so that she could avoid eye contact with me. As the realization of what I was seeing sank in I took in a sharp breath and staggered backwards almost knocking over Gaby who was now standing behind me. I spun around to look at her, desperate for an explanation that didn’t come.

Mary’s face was swollen and covered in a mixture of dried and fresh blood. Her top lip was three times its natural size and her left eye had a blackish blue tint which was almost fully closed due to a vast amount of swelling. I hardly recognised the beautiful girl she usually was. Tears were running freely down both cheeks and she was clutching her arms so tightly to her chest she had made her skin white where her nails deliberately pressed into her own flesh.

I turned again to Gaby who mirrored the same look of total shock on her face as my own. What the hell happened? I yelled as firmly as my terrified voice would allow, my confusion and anger growing with each ticking second of the clock on the wall. When Gaby opened her mouth to speak, I froze, dreading the words that were about to come from her lips. Someone had better fucking start talking, I said again as calmly as I could muster when still Gaby did not offer an explanation. I looked between the two girls, frantic to know what had happened and terrified of what I was about to hear.

Eventually, through tears and shock of her own, Gaby started to speak. I came home and found them both in here, she crocked, pointing to the rug at her feet which looked as if someone had battled with it and lost.

Found who? I snapped immediately, jerking my head sharply towards her and making Mary flinch again. By this time my heart was racing, threatening to explode at any moment. Mary hadn’t spoken a single word and I needed to know what the hell was going on. She looked up at me for a second and I spotted a distinct look of terror in her eyes. She knew. She knew what I would do when I found out what had happened. Gaby leaned in and hugged me. Hard. I threw my arms around her, hoping that she would stop shaking. She looked so fragile. For God’s sake will someone fucking tell me what the hell is going on?

Ian and Phillip- she let the names out as if they were acid that burned her.

What about them? I almost yelled the words and Mary involuntarily jumped further towards the edge of the sofa. I instinctively moved forward to comfort her but she pulled away from me, tears still falling from her unrecognisable features. I didn’t say another word as I sat down on the arm of the sofa and leaned over to gently touch her hand. Instantly she let out a tiny cry of fear and curled up even tighter into the corner of the chair. She had never acted that way towards me before. I felt physically sick.

They were in here when I came home, Gaby sobbed. They had Mary on the floor. They were holding her down... Oh God Dean, it was horrible. Gaby became uncontrollable as her own sobs engulfed the room. I sat perched on the arm of that sofa like a helpless child trying to understand what I