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    One Leap Year of Instants
    One Leap Year of Instants
    One Leap Year of Instants
    Ebook729 pages7 hours

    One Leap Year of Instants

    By C M Weller

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Three hundred and sixty-six stories a day, saved here in easy-accessformat - plus an extra bonus story! No need to go trawling through the author's blog for the originals. Every spelling error and factual mistake has been corrected for your convenience. One year of hard work, and you decide the price!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherC M Weller
    Release dateJan 7, 2015
    ISBN9781310518218
    One Leap Year of Instants
    Author

    C M Weller

    C M Weller has decided to keep their full identity a secret until such time as one of their works becomes a bestseller. They share a house in Burpengary East with two children, two cats, and a spouse who sometimes thinks they're insane.Every October, C M Weller releases a free short story, in honour of both their birthday and All Hallow’s Read.Unfortunately, this author has managed to avoid doing all the things that make author bios interesting reading. Sorry. However, ze has been publishing stories via Smashwords since 2012, and has an Amazon-exclusive novelette titled Free Baby.This writer is allergic to almost all forms of alcohol (long story), too asthmatic to indulge in tobacco, and in possession of a body chemistry that makes the more interesting drugs problematic at best. Thusly, their chief addiction is their own imagination.

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      One Leap Year of Instants - C M Weller

      Table of Contents

      Forewarning

      Challenge #000: From a forum discussion…

      Challenge #001: Have you ever had a dream…

      Challenge #002: Sound advice.

      Challenge #003: More sound advice

      Challenge #004: Cursed Curses

      Challenge #005: Lovely Light

      Challenge #006: T'reka the Unobservant

      Challenge #007: Madthod

      Challenge #008: Perks of a new job

      Challenge #009: Animal Associate

      Challenge #010: Unconventional.

      Challenge #011: Fandom Follies

      Challenge #012: Powers of Observation

      Challenge #013: One Fine Afternoon Whilst Escorting the Ambassador From Jaarl

      Challenge #014: One Slightly Terrifying Hour in a Malfunctioning Veet

      Challenge #015: One Precarious Situation in the Forgotten Zone

      Challenge #016: Please Understand

      Challenge #017: Seriously?

      Challenge #018: Best Frienemies

      Challenge #019: One Disastrous Afternoon in the Offices of the Cogniscent Rights Commission

      Challenge #020: The Biggest Game of Fetch

      Challenge #021: The Sad Misadventures of Hwell Barrow

      Challenge #022: Killer Mutant Zombie Human

      Challenge #023: Ferocious Flavour

      Challenge #024: Ride the Pony

      Challenge #025: Interspecies Relationships

      Challenge #026: Offerings in Innocence

      Challenge #027: It Came From Planet Earth

      Challenge #028: Drunk Physics

      Challenge #029: To Stop Human

      Challenge #030: Performance Peace

      Challenge #031: Come for the Spectacle…

      Challenge #032: Creative Critiquing

      Challenge #033: The Growing List of Things Rabbit Should Never Do Again

      Challenge #034: Assistant's Assistance

      Challenge #035: First Resort of Fools

      Challenge #036: Come Fly With Me

      Challenge #037: Ever Met Someone You Feel Like This About?

      Challenge #038: The Most Important Lessons

      Challenge #039: One Sad Afternoon on a Street Corner of NuFurria

      Challenge #040: Temptrotica's Big Test

      Challenge #041: Releasing Pressure

      Challenge #042: Intergalactic Ambassador Spot

      Challenge #043: So Long, Lefty Loosey

      Challenge #044: Lady Slings the Booze.

      Challenge #045: A Peculiar, Yet Typical Argument

      Challenge #046: Pugs.

      Challenge #047: Romantic vs Classicist*

      Challenge #048: Even a God/dess Needs Sustenance.

      Challenge #049: Metal's Mettle

      Challenge #050: When You Meet a Stranger…

      Challenge #051: A Strange Meeting in a Bubble Dimension

      Challenge #052: One Fine Afternoon in the Local Comic Shop

      Challenge #053: Urgent Call Home

      Challenge #054: Ballroom Blitz

      Challenge #055: One Dark Evening at a Motel of Ill Repute

      Challenge #056: Arachnaphobia

      Challenge #057: Registered Toxic Passenger

      Challenge #058: One Extraordinary Shift in the Museum of Disturbing Things

      Challenge #059: An Average Sight at a Particular Exit

      Challenge #060: Aftermath

      Challenge #061: Humans!

      Challenge #062: Hivemind Negotiations

      Challenge #063: That's a Bad Motto

      Challenge #064: Power

      Challenge #065: Going With What Works

      Challenge #066: To Reach…

      Challenge #067: Showdown

      Challenge #068: The Test

      Challenge #069: A Little More Complicated

      Challenge #070: Whoops

      Challenge #071: Complaining to another supernatural being.

      Challenge #072: Personal Assessment

      Challenge #073: The Nose Compass

      Challenge #074: Whuffo

      Challenge #075: The Inauguration of Mayor McToilet

      Challenge #076: The Puzzling Nature of Love

      Challenge #077: Humanity in a Nutshell

      Challenge #078: This Always Happens…

      Challenge #079: The Great Equalising

      Challenge #080: Be-leaf in Love

      Challenge #081: Beautiful Hostile

      Challenge #082: San Check

      Challenge #083: Love will find a way…

      Challenge #084: Like Humans Do

      Challenge #085: True Mens' Rights

      Challenge #086: Portents of Doom

      Challenge #087: The Death of Gendered Clothing

      Challenge #088: The Trouble With ELFs

      Challenge #089: The Importance of Love

      Challenge #090: Here There be Dragons

      Challenge #091: Bad Day at the Office

      Challenge #092: Or Are They Wearing You?

      Challenge #093: The Sensible Thing

      Challenge #094: Otherwhen

      Challenge #095: Not Dangerous - But...

      Challenge #096: Behind the Mask

      Challenge #097: The Element Bullshittium

      Challenge #098: Two Out of Three

      Challenge #099: Of the Human Kind

      Challenge #100: Growing Old is Mandatory

      Challenge #101: The Nature of Enemy

      Challenge #102: Open Source Enterprise

      Challenge #103: Fecocephalopathy

      Challenge #104: Works of Synchronicity

      Challenge #105: Proof of Reading

      Challenge #106: Lead Balloon

      Challenge #107: What is Real?

      Challenge #108: Yo Daddy SO Dense...

      Challenge #109: Someone Said it

      Challenge #110: Irresistible Force

      Challenge #111: Camouflage

      Challenge #112: Why They Never Came By

      Challenge #113: Biggest Fans

      Challenge #114: Oxymoronic Artefacts

      Challenge #115: One Alarming Discovery on the Paths Less Travelled

      Challenge #116: Random Curiosity

      Challenge #117: Imagine There's No People

      Challenge #118: Blood!

      Challenge #119: One Fine Evening in the Commerce District of Station Alpha Five.

      Challenge #120: An Attempt Was Made

      Challenge #121: Adventures With Incompatible Technology

      Challenge #122: When The Rot Came In

      Challenge #123: Obvious Design Flaw

      Challenge #124: Dominion

      Challenge #125: Further Proof, if Any Were Really Needed

      Challenge #126: Sing-Along

      Challenge #127: Stolen shamelessly from XKCD

      Challenge #128: Percussive Maintenance

      Challenge #129: Mr Stark in a Nutshell

      Challenge #130: Fractal Wrongness

      Challenge #131: Origami Denseness

      Challenge #132: A Study in Contrasts

      Challenge #133: Sola Terra Australi

      Challenge #134: Domesticated Predators

      Challenge #135: The Wolf's Just a Puppy

      Challenge #136: Biochemical Imbalance

      Challenge #137: Gengineer of Note

      Challenge #138: Poor Unfortunate Souls

      Challenge #139: One Dank Morning in the Dire Halls of MegaGlobocorp, West Esterly

      Challenge #140: Problematic Material

      Challenge #141: Dem Dry Bones

      Challenge #142: Conclusion-Jumping

      Challenge #143: Salvation From the Lessers

      Challenge #144: Unreasoning Profits

      Challenge #145: Two Types

      Challenge #146: Given Enough Rope

      Challenge #147: Necrotheque

      Challenge #148: Sympathy for the Monster

      Challenge #149: Expect the Unexpected

      Challenge #150: That Ole Time Religion

      Challenge #151: Not Made to be Broken

      Challenge #152: Names Shape Reality

      Challenge #153: Creative Collaboration

      Challenge #154: Knowing Where People Don't Look

      Challenge #155: The Problem With Tired Old Plots

      Challenge #156: The Human Effect

      Challenge #157: Hidden in Plain Sight

      Challenge #158: Pee Ode

      Challenge #159: Relative Cartography

      Challenge #160: Exceptions to the Rule

      Challenge #161: Rève-rie

      Challenge #162: Mercy Maintenance

      Challenge #163: Panelbeating

      Challenge #164: Graveworld

      Challenge #165: Come to Australia (You Might Accidentally Get Killed)

      Challenge #166: Opus Apparatus Spurius

      Challenge #167: Ancient Curses

      Challenge #168: One Familiar Face

      Challenge #169: Sufficiently Advanced... Rituals

      Challenge #170: The Un-Secret

      Challenge #171: Acapella

      Challenge #172: Witch on Trial

      Challenge #173: Need to Know

      Challenge #174: Maybe a Not-Too-Distant Future

      Challenge #175: Absence of Wenching

      Challenge #176: Black-boxing It

      Challenge #177: Party Life

      Challenge #178: Mischief at Work

      Challenge #179: Monstrous, Not a Monster

      Challenge #180: The Second-Unkindest Cut

      Challenge #181: Essential Developments

      Challenge #182: Mwa-hahahahaha

      Challenge #183: Comfort Conniption

      Challenge #184: Strange Pastimes

      Challenge #185: Proclivities

      Challenge #186: Surprises

      Challenge #187: Unlikely Meetings

      Challenge #188: The Problem with Problems

      Challenge #189: We Didn't Start the Flame War

      Challenge #190: Perplexing

      Challenge #191: One Fine Evening in a Festival of Masques

      Challenge #192: Vampirism Sucks

      Challenge #193: Unsuitable Food

      Challenge #194: Buddy-buddy

      Challenge #195: Casual Toxicity

      Challenge #196: The Big Reveal

      Challenge #197: Writing Prompt

      Challenge #198: One Fine Evening in the Nightvale Maternity Ward

      Challenge #199: Return to Sesame Street!

      Challenge #200: Alas My Love...

      Challenge #201: The Delicate Process of Acquiring Snuggle-Buddies

      Challenge #202: Mass Destruction

      Challenge #203: You Swallowed What?

      Challenge #204: Imp-ossible Lover

      Challenge #205: Hug-a-bunch

      Challenge #206: At the Other End of a Tunnel Through Snornia

      Challenge #207: Visiting an Ailing Friend

      Challenge #208: Big, Blue and Mostly Harmless

      Challenge #209: Don't Speak

      Challenge #210: One Dark Stretch of Time in an Unknown Pocket Dimension

      Challenge #211: Imaginary Union 1475

      Challenge #212: Confusing Hilarity

      Challenge #213: Explaining a Lot

      Challenge #214: Like a House on Fire

      Challenge #215: Deathworlders

      Challenge #216: Douglas Adams

      Challenge #217: The Most Feared Dance in the Universe

      Challenge #218: Draco Nobilis

      Challenge #219: Rocky Start

      Challenge #220: One Life in Song

      Challenge #221: One Damp Afternoon on Tour

      Challenge #222: One Peaceful Morning in a Grave Grove

      Challenge #223: You Can't Make Me!

      Challenge #224: Beware the Creatures of the Night...They Have Lawyers!

      Challenge #225: It's ALIVE! ...and Needs Counselling...

      Challenge #226: Unreliable Witness

      Challenge #227: Bad Advice

      Challenge #228: History Lesson

      Challenge #229: Peggy deCulco

      Challenge #230: A Mother's Curse, used elsewhere

      Challenge #231: One Miserable Afternoon in an Observation Lounge

      Challenge #232: Detective Work

      Challenge #233: Aftermath

      Challenge #234: The Worst Levels of Fame

      Challenge #235: The Challenge at the Third Act

      Challenge #236: One Random Encounter in a Relaxation Lounge

      Challenge #237: Don't Panic!

      Challenge #238: Bad, Bad Intel

      Challenge #239: One Stormy Evening in a Spaceport Bar

      Challenge #240: Tax Haven

      Challenge #241: Essential Equipment

      Challenge #242: One Disastrous Afternoon, Mid-Alien-Invasion

      Challenge #243: Wait, What?

      Challenge #244: Intervention

      Challenge #245: One Stormy Afternoon in a Spaceport Drydock

      Challenge #246: Every Apprentice Does It

      Challenge #247: Universal Nevers

      Challenge #248: The Human Argument

      Challenge #249: Explaining Business

      Challenge #250: A Lesson For Humans

      Challenge #251: Adventuring with humans

      Challenge #252: Stick to the Plan

      Challenge #253: Anything That Can Go Wrong...

      Challenge #254: A Cunning Plan...

      Challenge #255: Know Your Source

      Challenge #256: Spitballing

      Challenge #257: Simple Exposition

      Challenge #258: What Do You Mean, 'Going'?

      Challenge #259: Slippery Slope

      Challenge #260: Original Meaning

      Challenge #261: He Said it Best

      Challenge #262: What Maketh Man?

      Challenge #263: Drawbacks of Communication

      Challenge #264: You Were Warned

      Challenge #265: Deep Time Punk'd

      Challenge #266: Corrupt File

      Challenge #267: Respect It

      Challenge #268: Boundless Realms of Ignorance

      Challenge #269: Space Madness

      Challenge #270: The Horrors of Attempted Time Travel

      Challenge #271: Getting Along…

      Challenge #272: But the Cat Came Back...

      Challenge #273: Capitalism

      Challenge #274: An Axe to Grind

      Challenge #275: One Fine Evening in a Filthy Spaceport Bar

      Challenge #276: BSOD

      Challenge #277: Forbidden Fruit

      Challenge #278: Culinary Compromise

      Challenge #279: Human Religions

      Challenge #280: Performance Art

      Challenge #281: The Internet

      Challenge #282: Scary Handy

      Challenge #283: Sacrifice…

      Challenge #284: Reality? Just a Suggestion

      Challenge #285: Magnificently Horrible

      Challenge #286: It Works on Everyone

      Challenge #287: The Spine's ex-Hats

      Challenge #288: Children of the Night...

      Challenge #289: But Why?

      Challenge #290: Next Challenger

      Challenge #291: Do You Have Time...?

      Challenge #292: Fascinating in Retrospect

      Challenge #293: Politically Correct

      Challenge #294: Warning - Humour

      Challenge #295: Not Necessarily Needing to go Night Vale on This One...

      Challenge #296: Strange Encounters

      Challenge #297: Bad Instincts

      Challenge #298: Brawk?

      Challenge #299: Perilous Ornithology

      Challenge #300: PDA PSA

      Challenge #301: Overheard at the bar...

      Challenge #302: Slippery Slope

      Challenge #303: The Best Genes Money Can Buy...

      Challenge #304: Methods of Madness

      Challenge #305: Not Exactly a Writing Prompt, But Figured You Might Get Some Use From it Anyway.

      Challenge #306: To Be a SPOEn

      Challenge #307: Instinct

      Challenge #308: A Sight to See

      Challenge #309: Lines of XP

      Challenge #310: Caution Considered

      Challenge #311: Taming Humans

      Challenge #312: Loud Shy

      Challenge #313: Cogito Assassin Sum

      Challenge #314: Ancient Beasts

      Challenge #315: Putting the Om in Omnivore

      Challenge #316: One War-Torn Afternoon in Vietnam…

      Challenge #317: Strange Camouflage

      Challenge #318: Different Perspective

      Challenge #319: The Hunt Begins!

      Challenge #320: The Q&A Session of Genghis Khan!

      Challenge #321: Peripatetic Commerce

      Challenge #322: One Rebuttal in a Filthy Spaceport Bar

      Challenge #323: Benevolent Anarchy

      Challenge #324: In Peril

      Challenge #325: The Treasure

      Challenge #326: Photographic Anomalies

      Challenge #327: Secret Identity

      Challenge #328: Human Foodstuff Transit

      Challenge #329: Children of the Permanent Night

      Challenge #330: One Dank Afternoon in a Dungeon Pub

      Challenge #331: Hence the Canary

      Challenge #332: Extreme Cuisine

      Challenge #333: Rituals of Nerditry

      Challenge #334: Community Service

      Challenge #335: One Dead Hour at Unsuitable Food

      Challenge #336: Ignorable Precautions

      Challenge #337: I'm What?

      Challenge #338: …Primitive Technology?

      Challenge #339: And Yet it Moves

      Challenge #340: Someone Thought of the Children

      Challenge #341: Tonight on Border Patrol...

      Challenge #342: Honey-Bunny Booboo

      Challenge #343: Generations Ago...

      Challenge #344: The Fright of a Lifetime

      Challenge #345: Vicious Competition

      Challenge #346: Saved!

      Challenge #347: Jinge Bells, Santa Smells

      Challenge #348: Sonic Rainbows

      Challenge #349: One Thing in Common

      Challenge #350: The Truth is Out There

      Challenge #351: As the Station Turns

      Challenge #352: Pre-Luddite

      Challenge #353: One Afternoon in a High School Classroom

      Challenge #354: Divinity Proclivity

      Challenge #355: The Abomination

      Challenge #356: Did you hear the one about the two humans?

      Challenge #357: Food That Sings

      Challenge #358: Dragons need better PR agents.

      Challenge #359: Technobabble

      Challenge #360: One person's trash...

      Challenge #361: Response to The Fright of a Lifetime (1)

      Challenge #362: Response to Fright of a Lifetime (2)

      Challenge #363: Response to Fright of a Lifetime (3)

      Challenge #364: Response to Fright of a Lifetime (4)

      Challenge #365: Strange Nest-Fellows

      Challenge #366: That's Me All Over

      Congratulations!

      About the Author

      Forewarning

      To quote one of the more famous openings in cinematic history: I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey.

      Down the rabbit hole ahead, you will find all kinds of tales inspired by readers like you who were bold enough to drop a prompt into my submissions box.

      On average, I wrote a story per day, every day, for three hundred and sixty-seven days[I discovered, too late, that there was a misnumbering, so all of you get one extra story. Yay!]. There are some prompts that were submissions of multiple scenarios. The only reason I don't like them is that I tend to pay for writing multiple stories with physical pain. But I rather consider the pain to be worth it if I can make my readers smile. Or cry. Or even relate to someone completely outside of their comfort zone.

      If I can do that, then I must be good.

      But you didn't get this book to read me honking on about my writing. So let's wander together through a leap year's worth of bizarre little tales…

      Return to Table of Contents

      Challenge #000: From a forum discussion...

      …on making humans unique on a galactic scale without turning us to either primitive brutes, diplomats, or supah-speshul-snowflakes.

      I'm not sure if I've submitted this before, but a cursory search didn't turn up anything.

      Poster A: Humanity possesses the right combination of above average curiosity and below average sense of self-preservation. This has lead to us following technical development pathways that the rest of the galaxy would consider, well, insane.

      When other species reached for the stars, they did it only after they'd safely developed antigravity or teleportation technology. Mankind put a man on top of a missile and pointed it up.

      When any other civilisation suffers a hull breach battling aliens, they reroute power from the primary phase disruptor array to compensate and retreat. Humans slap some duct tape on it and return fire.

      For the rest of the galaxy, major organ failure was a death sentence until they invented nanoregenerative therapy. We tear open the bodies of our dying and restore their vitality with zombie organs ripped from our still cooling dead.

      In the eyes of the galaxy, we're the mad science race.

      Poster B: In addition to zombie organs, we also have robot organs. When our bones break, we bolt them back together until they heal. We consider nukes a viable form of propulsion for spacecraft [Ed: Orion Project]. We make explosives so unstable they destroy the lab equipment used to measure them. We keep class 4 biohazards around because we aren't done studying them.

      The real kicker? Humans consider such things perfectly reasonable and ordinary science, done by reasonable and ordinary men who live in ordinary houses with ordinary jobs.

      Mad science? Nope, just regular science. — RecklessPrudence

      [AN: You've pretty much nailed why the other species still call humans insane]

      From the lectures of Kagzak:

      The field of human studies is only partially dangerous. Yes, I am aware that humans have higher thresholds for physical damage, coupled with a centric thought that has to learn other species are different.

      Before the discoveries of T'reka the Mad, also known as T'reka the Inquisitive, humans were widely believed to be incredibly hazardous.

      [An image of a human from the pre-Amity pool of media. The human had a splinted leg and, though walking with the aid of a crutch, still reached towards the evidently terrified saurians. The legend on it read: HORROR OF THE HUMAN]

      And it is true that events that would permanently disable any other cogniscent are viewed as a mere annoyance to humans. We well know that events that would cause death in other cogniscents merely incapacitate a human. Indeed, it is possible to remove all of a humans' limbs and they will still find means to get around and accomplish things.

      [An image of a quadruple amputee in a motorised wheelchair, steering the device with a straw in her mouth. On her lap, a monkey dressed in children's clothing.]

      This image, of course, dates back to The Shattering, a continuing event in which spacefaring humans sent colonists down the Terran system's wealth of one-way wormholes. This example has a trained animal as an assistant. Helper animals are an old concept, dating back to domestication.

      [An image of a man with a dog on a harness]

      This human has no use of their eyes. The animal with him assists in navigation. And in the event that an animal is unwanted or unavailable…

      [An image of a woman with a striped stick, paired with another wearing cumbersome goggles.]

      …the humans have both simple and complex technologies to assist instead.

      But enough of disabilities. I must warn you that some images you will see here are of a disturbing nature.

      [An image of a stone carving, depicting humans in a series of complicated poses. Central to the scene is a pregnant woman and another approaching her bulbous belly with a knife]

      This is an 'operation'. Also known as 'surgery'. A procedure in which medical personnel cut a living human to fix what has gone wrong with their insides. The one pictured here is a 'caesarian' in which the human infant is extracted through such surgery.

      This image dates back to the early bronze age of the humans, and pre-dates the use of anaesthetics.

      [Gasps, murmurs, and nervous laughter from the audience]

      [An image of another stone carving. This time the one with the knife was working on the patient's head.]

      This is early brain surgery from the same era. The belief at the time being that holes put into the skull bone would relieve symptoms of mental disorders. Or what the early humans believed to be mental disorders.

      It would be centuries before humans would use drugs to keep surgical patients both quiescent and unaware of their surgeries.

      [A video of a chemical rocket launching. Judging by the slowness of its ascent, it was a large rocket]

      This is the launch of Apollo eleven. An historic moment in human history. They literally strapped themselves to an explosive and fired themselves at the moon.

      Astonishing, I know. They did this in the infancy of their computer age, without having first developed their famous gravity drive or magnetic launch technology. In fact, they continued to use primitive explosives as a means of launching from their planet's surface for some significant time.

      Human medical science has benefitted from their 'space age'. Including temporary, mechanical, replacement organs. This never quite supplanted harvesting the dead for organs used to replace defective ones in a living human.

      [Gasps and murmurs from the audience]

      Surgery is frequent with humans, and sometimes performed for vanity. They will hire a surgeon to break and re-set their facial bones, rearrange their skin, their hair… insert or remove things deemed 'ugly', simply to attract a more desirable mate.

      So much so that, before the age of the Great Return, it was 'natural' for males and females alike to alter their physical selves in order to fit arbitrary and unrealistic beauty standards.

      We have since been able to train them out of such atrocious habits, fortunately. That said, humans still possess a high tolerance for pain, and low thresholds for personal safety. There is even an ethos of sacrificing a 'hero' to protect the larger populace.

      Flying headlong into battles where divine intervention would never poke a stick, as it were.

      [Giggles from the audience.]

      Before the uniquely human invention of non-lethal combat, their chief strategy was to charge straight in, guns blazing. This proved especially effective, since other vessels would prefer to preserve their occupants rather than win the fight.

      This included strategies like the Kamikaze Bomb.

      [A video of a small human vessel with one pilot flying straight towards an alien vessel and ending in immolation]

      This course will cover this, and many more human insanities. We will attempt to plumb their reasons for their seemingly bizarre choices, and why such strategies are mind-bogglingly successful.

      Remember, always, should you continue this course, the seeming human motto: If it's crazy and it works, then it was never crazy.

      I expect an essay on that motto by the end of next week. Thank you for your Time.

      Return to Table of Contents

      Challenge #001: Have you ever had a dream...

      That made you honestly depressed once you realised it was only a dream? And not for one of the usual reasons - living loved ones, missed chances taken, you're a superhero - but for something on a much larger scale?

      Say for instance, you had a dream that lead to near-free energy for all, universal healthcare and education (there was no distinction in living quality to mark the Third World anymore), grand societal change for equality and to redress past wrongs, but without committing great new ones. Increased lifespan, revived space program, colonies on two other celestial bodies, mining mostly offworld, environment recovering and being helped along in the process, et cetera et cetera.

      Say also that in this dream, you were instrumental in these changes, and you lived forty years in said dream - in dream terms of course, so broad strokes and feelings - and then, going to sleep expecting to wake up to said near-utopian future, you instead woke up in 2013, in your old body.

      You are depressed not only because as far as you can see there is next-to-no chance you will get to see such a world in your lifespan, but also the knowledge that barring magic, you accomplished more in that world than you ever will in this.

      Now… what do you do? How do you propose to ever measure up to - yourself? How do you manage to deal with all the ways the real world falls short of the dream one, when it feels like you spent more time in the dream world than you have years in this one?

      Make it a fic war prompt if you want. — RecklessPrudence

      This was not her beautiful house. There was no sign of her beautiful wife. It was a dingy, dripping, cockroach-infested cupboard that barely qualified as a flat because there was room for a bed in it.

      And she was back in the wrong meat-suit again.

      FUCK!

      She got out her dream diary and wrote down every detail of the life she'd lived. A different reality. A world she'd made out of wishes. And yet, in the dream, she had seen how it had been done.

      It was worth a try.

      She started with the name of the shrink who had saved her other life. Doctor Weisenbaum.

      And, amazingly, she did it again. No judging. None of the usual psychologist shitbaggery. Just a patient ear and potentially helpful tactics to try.

      And she got HRT after the first month!

      Next on her list of names was Blaize. She was harder to find and a nerve-wracking encounter in a lesbian bar and fretting that her falsies were slipping. Blaize was literally the girl of her dreams, and just as politically savvy as she remembered.

      Of course, reality was slower than the dream. It took a year for her breasts to grow in and three for her hair to grow out. It took a painful decade for her to be comfortable with her new self.

      Periodically shattered by the inconsiderate cat-calls of men who were offended by her breathing, of course.

      Gathering like minds was easier in the dream. As was forming a political party with just enough juice to keep going until the next election.

      It was hard, and trouble, and exhausting. She and Blaize fought a lot more than they had in the dream. It never escalated to violence. There was crying and hugs and learning how to be better people to each other. There was money and family and pets and bills and transportation and the smell in the office at home…

      A home that was a dinky little two-bedroom in the 'burbs with a half-butt kitchen, not the mansion of her dream.

      She kept a transcript of her dream. Blaize referred to it as her 'cheat sheet' and kept a score of how accurate it was. Details like silverfish in the filing cabinets were not the stuff dreams were made of, and therefore didn't count. Big events like the rapist in the summer night did.

      They did not tell the police about the cheat sheet. They said they expected a certain level of intolerance for living together as they did.

      It made the news, of course.

      And that was the key turning point for the Queer party. Support upswelled. Donations surged in. Even from Allies-in-name-only. Votes swarmed in.

      The tears in her eyes as Blaize took her oath of office were a fact of her dream, too. The first black lesbian President of the United States.

      They had a long way to go, yet. Forty more years of hard work, uphill battles against bigots, congress, raging republicans, and men whose masculinity was so threatened that the merest hint of her presence could shatter their confidence.

      Naturally, she sexed up her wardrobe just to spite them.

      There was a long road ahead. They both knew it. And every second was going to be worth it.

      Even if she woke up in the wrong meat-suit again and had to start over.

      Every second with Blaize was worth the pain.

      Return to Table of Contents

      Challenge #002: Sound advice.

      Whoa whoa whoa… stop right there! What have I told you both? We do not…evergoad the universe! —RecklessPrudence

      Herman's hand was covered in chalk. He had run out of blackboards and was now working on the walls. If. We. Can. Synthesise. A breach. In space. And time…

      In orbit, said Newt.

      We could… theoretically…

      Warp the space-time continuum and travelvastdistancespreviouslyunknowntoman! Jus'thinkofallthediscoveries!

      OI!

      Both men startled to find none other than Stacker Pentecost in their shared lab. You stop tha' right there, he said, pointing an accusatory finger at the writing on the wall. What have I told you both? We do not… ever… goad the universe!

      Yessir, said Newt.

      My apologies, said Herman.

      You're supposed t' be stoppin' that damn rift, not bloody riding it to Narnia.

      Yes sir, said Herman.

      Sorrysir, mumbled Newt.

      Get back to work.

      This is your fault.

      My fault? I'm not the one who wondered about harmonic shifts!

      Pentecost sighed as they started arguing over each other. Scientists. Why did he have to get the only two on the planet with no brakes?

      Return to Table of Contents

      Challenge #003: More sound advice

      When you are aboard an alien construct of uncertain design and purpose, you touch nothing! You have no way of knowing if a lever could vent the atmosphere into space…if…if a switch could activate flesh-eating nanobots! Until you have studied everything, you have to assume that this station's sole purpose was to isolate and destroy you personally! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! — RecklessPrudence

      Humans.

      The very word quickly became an agonised plea to the Powers Divine to at least make them slow down. If there was anything that could magnetically attract human attention, it was something inherently harmful.

      Case in point, these two. Stan and Laurel. Both annoyingly only slightly the worse for their adventure.

      Adventure (n): A human word for events classed as messy, dangerous, and likely to delay progress towards any goals.

      I do believe I made myself clear, said Captain K'Raabz. "When you are aboard an alien construct of uncertain design and purpose, you touch nothing. There is no way to tell if a lever could vent the atmosphere into space… if a switch could activate carnivorous nano-bots… if a button could blow up the entire installation."

      The humans started to talk, but she overrode them.

      "UT! Until you have studied everything, you have to assume that that station's sole purpose was to isolate and destroy you personally. Do you understand?"

      Silence. Both looked at each other.

      DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

      "But it was such a shiny red button," said Stan.

      I can't help it, said Laurel with her thick, Norfish accent. I'm a born lever-puller.

      Humans…

      Return to Table of Contents

      Challenge #004: Cursed Curses

      I get that it's a curse, and it's supposed to be horrendous and probably means I'm going to die in some terribly gory manner in a few days time, but did it have to be so damn cheerful? And the song is so peppy and catchy. This is like the opposite of what an evil curse is supposed to be, I feel vaguely cheated somehow.

      [AN: Forgive the horrible poetry]

      You found the tomb/ You took from us/ You should have hit reverse, the mummified barber shop quartet sang. And now you know/ You suffer hard/ From our old ancient curse.

      Is… there any way to shut them up? pondered Dale.

      I'm sure they'll get to that part eventually, sighed Robin. Putting everything back failed.

      You sure it was everything?

      Aw no. Mister Robbins! He took a little dolly thing from the table!

      You'd best act fast/ Without a sigh/ Your feet they have to fly, sang the mummies. Prepare yourselves/ For Fate's swift wings/ 'Cause you're all going to die!

      Robin sighed. …fabulous…

      Return to Table of Contents

      Challenge #005: Lovely Light

      He was not so much burning the candle at both ends as he was hosing it down with a flamethrower. — RecklessPrudence

      He knew he never had very long, and his habits almost personally guaranteed it. Self-maintenance was limited to a brief encounter with the toothbrush once a morning, a shower simultaneously, and whatever food seemed the most convenient at the time.

      Those who cared for him told him not to burn his candle at both ends. He ignored them.

      Too much to do.

      Never enough time to do it in.

      His first visit to any kind of medical clinic was also his last. When his kind neighbour and helpmate found him on the floor. Running a fever. Unable to move his legs. In a pool of his own piss and vomit.

      Even then, he viewed medical interference as an inconvenience.

      They were between him and his Art.

      Too much to do…

      He tried to escape five times. He had to get back to it. Had to finish.

      "You are finished, said the grumpy doctor who caught him the last time. You aren't burning your candle at both ends, you're hosing it down with a flamethrower."

      He sighed in the confines of his wheelchair. But oh my foes and oh my friends, it gives a lovely light…

      They were his last words.

      It only took the populace three years to recognise his genius after he died.

      Return to Table of Contents

      Challenge #006: T'reka the Unobservant

      Missing the forest for the exotic small mites living under the feathers of the woodpecker. — RecklessPrudence

      She was focussed intently on the little bird on the branch above her. Of course, as an avian herself, birds were nothing new. But this little creature was like nothing that came from the records of Hu'lu'a. It did not scratch or pick at the bark between her and the grubs. It hammered at it.

      Toktoktoktoktoktoktoktok…

      She could infer that this creature had protection for its brain. Otherwise, how could it survive?

      A feather dropped, a great fortune. T'reka put it into her field scope and peered down it to see what she could see.

      Fascinating. Lice that evolved to live on the feathers of a bird previously unknown to science! She placed the feather, louse and all, into a specimen bottle for later analysis.

      The DNA of this island was strange. Almost as if another planet had seeded this world as well as her fellow Numidid. Bizarre hybrids had, of course, sprung up.

      But if some other species had seeded this world - where were they?

      A chime alerted her to the oncoming sunset. T'reka sighed and headed back to her base camp.

      Behind her, one of the bushes stood up and struggled out of its canopy…

      *

      Susan did her best to pant quietly. Nobody had told her how hot Gilly Suits were. She was bathed in sweat and desperately thirsty and, frankly, very lucky that her pretend friend Grey Chicken hadn't noticed her sneaking up to her in the underbrush.

      She was also incredibly lucky that her camera was the quiet kind.

      But the important thing was that she had proof, now.

      Grey Chicken was real.

      The only question remained was - what to do with the evidence?

      Return to Table of Contents

      Challenge #007: Madthod

      'Is there really method to your madness, or just a functional madness successfully disguising itself as method?'

      'Both, of course, the precise proportions varying according to time and place.' — RecklessPrudence

      Rael watched helplessly as Shayde 'wreaked hob' on the enemy systems. She was cackling.

      His own instincts to fix were not a problem in this situation. Digesting the poison they'd tried to use on them was. It was doing things to his internal systems that was, frankly, uncomfortable. It sapped his strength. It made him lose his appetite.

      Always a danger sign in a Faiize.

      Shayde had done her best for him, providing some variety of inter-dimensional manna to at least keep him going. And a blanket to help him maintain his temperature. Now she was working on their escape.

      Perhaps, a little too gleefully.

      He summoned the power of speech. Is there really a method to your madness? he croaked. Or just a functional madness successfully disguising itself as a method?

      She tore out some wires with a faint (runch) sound. Both o' course. The exact amounts depend on the time an' place, ye ken.

      Ah. Well, that was the opposite of reassuring. His fault for asking.

      Return to Table of Contents

      Challenge #008: Perks of a new job

      Did I mention that one of the perks of this job offer is that you get to burn down your current office? — RecklessPrudence

      Amycus Carrow looked at the pink mess in front of him. The kitten plates were gone, but the abundance of pink remained in the office like a pall of death.

      Delores Umbrige hadn't cleaned up after herself when she was taken for psychiatric assistance.

      Behind him, Headmaster Severus Snape caught his aura of disgust and intoned, Did I mention that one of the perks of this job offer is that you get to incinerate your current office?

      The very idea of this much pink poison going up in flames was like a song in his heart. I'll take it, he purred. His wand was already halfway up.

      INCENDIO!

      Oh… that was delicious.

      Return to Table of Contents

      Challenge #009: Animal Associate

      The concept of pets is an odd one to explain, although firsthand experience tends to fill in the gaps you can't quite articulate. And when pets are involved experience is going to happen whether it is planned or not.

      Jane figured she should get used to aliens feeling her. They didn't mean to be rude, she knew. They were just curious.

      But, she swore to God, if one more of them tried to taste her hair…

      One of her lizard shipmates sniffed the pet-carrier that was part of her belongings.

      Live food? it queried.

      Not food, she insisted. Friend.

      Sniff snuff snuffle. Smells food.

      The only language they shared was Broken GalStand. Friend. Not food. Is… she fumbled for the right words. Animal associate.

      Not smart?

      Jane considered the dickbaggery that Whittington, her cat, got up to on a daily basis. Not smart. Friend animal. Never food. You eat, I get mad. You eat, I get sad. You eat, I charge.

      The lizard got its nose too close to Whittington's cage and, true to form, Whittington sunk a claw into the lizard's left nostril.

      "YEEEEE! Predator! Predator not food!"

      Whittington tried to bat at the lizard through the hole in his cage.

      Word would get around, of course. But, just in case, I tell captain of animal associate. Say to tell all.

      Wise, nodded the lizard. Smart.

      You go doctor. Get fix. Yes?

      Yes, echoed the lizard. As it left, she heard what was probably a lot of lizard curses.

      She'd pick them up in due course.

      Whittington became labelled as an unsafe animal and linked to Jane in short order. It was up to her to provide educational videos about cats in general and Whittington in particular. Those lessons included Catspeak, proper handling, what to do if bitten (because cat saliva and lizard blood did not mix well), and active discouragement.

      After the fifth crewman lost their tail, the word very quickly got around about Whittington. Crewmembers began to carry around water-pistols for self defence.

      It was when Whittington figured out the 'good' prey on board that his reputation grew. Especially when the Captain caught him playing with some vermin on the bridge.

      Evidently, casual feline cruelty was not as amusing to the lizards as it was to Jane.

      And that was how the one about humans keeping dangerous animals for personal amusement got around…

      If Jane had owned a terrier, things may have turned out worse for humanity.

      Return to Table of Contents

      Challenge #010: Unconventional.

      Dogs on an interplanetary space station. What could possibly go wrong?

      [AN: One I did earlier on the subject is called Good Boy… But I presume you mean non-augments, so…]

      The galactic community were just barely getting used to humans. There were large numbers of cogniscents who tended to run and hide when they spotted even a small one. Luckily, many humans did not view this as an insult and, in fact, some found it amusing.

      The galactic community were also barely accustomed to human pets. Though the idea of farming was not novel, nor was the idea of training an animal to assist in assorted tasks… the very concept of keeping a non-cogniscent animal around for company was new.

      Many approved of cats.

      Cats demanded respect. They were low maintenance and useful and, surprisingly, the humans had developed a low-to-no-shedding variety before they developed commercial spaceflight. That, and they had no qualms about showing anyone stupid enough to try and hunt them why that was a very bad idea indeed.

      But whatever this human had on the end of the brightly-coloured webbing was not a cat. It was configured slightly like a cat, in that it had four legs, fur, whiskers and a tail… beyond that, description failed.

      It was black, and breathed very rapidly. The end that dipped up and down had to be the head, because a pink tongue frequently escaped to dangle and dribble in the open air. The tail did not swing lazily about as if drifting on its own air currents, but swept rapidly back and forth, creating its own.

      It did not slink. It bounced.

      It did not meow. It barked.

      It did not discretely seek soil to enrich. It peed on everything that crossed its path.

      And it was Kiz'ard'l's job to clear it for station habitation. There is something wrong with your cat, she began.

      That's a dog, corrected the human. Ze picked the creature up and placed it carefully on the counter. Sit.

      The dog settled its rear down, tail still oscillating.

      There were twin dark, twinkling orbs in the mess of fur on what had to be its head. They seemed to have a secondary functionality compared with its perpetually sniffing nose.

      Kiz'ard'l let it sniff her before proceeding with a cursory examination. Quadrupedal, of course. The tail seemed to be in a state of permanent movement. She checked the teeth. Carnivorous, she noted.

      Mostly, added the human. It's never a good idea to give a dog too much people food. Even though they love it.

      Predatory? enquired Kiz'ard'l.

      He's a Scottie. They were bred to hunt rats.

      You said he is a dog.

      Sigh. The human had been through this before. Species, dog. Canis Lupus Familiaris. Sub-breed, Scottie. Name, Toto.

      The ears, then the head, swivelled towards his owner, who absently scratched the animal's head.

      Dangerous? asked

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