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    A Djillion More Wishes
    A Djillion More Wishes
    A Djillion More Wishes
    Ebook127 pages1 hour

    A Djillion More Wishes

    By Christopher McDevitt

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    About this ebook

    The exciting and exceedingly ridiculous conclusion to the A Million More Wishes saga. After three books worth of trials and adventures, Dennis Harkness has seen and done it all, many times with much regret.

    From his commandeered castle in France, joined by his pregnant Genie friend, Djosar, his formerly blind currently psychic cellmate, Pockets and a host of other characters, Dennis sets out to settle all family business with the cosmic forces that have been plaguing their lives. It is a path that will set them at odds against both Heaven and Hell.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherChristopher McDevitt
    Release dateJan 14, 2015
    ISBN9781311182166
    A Djillion More Wishes
    Author

    Christopher McDevitt

    Christopher McDevitt is a former stand up comedian and generally awful person. The married father of one lives in New Jersey where he trains Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and dreams of getting the hell out of that state for a much warmer climate.

    Read more from Christopher Mc Devitt

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      Book preview

      A Djillion More Wishes - Christopher McDevitt

      A Djillion More Wishes

      By

      Christopher McDevitt

      Copyright © 2015 by Christopher McDevitt

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

      Smashwords Edition

      ISBN-13: XXX-XXXXXXXXXX 

      ISBN-10: XXXXXXXXXX

      Cover artwork copyright © 2015 by Joshua Kaulius

      Dedicated To

      My Beautiful Family, Always

      Thanks

      I’ve already thanked pretty much everyone that I need to by this book. So thank you, reader, for reading it.

      Thank you, me, for writing it.

      Thank you, Heidi, for editing it.

      Thank you, Josh, for the lovely book cover.

      Thank you, Jessica, for listening to me talk about it endlessly.

      Thank you, Declan, for not tearing out the pages as you knocked it around the living room with a broom.

      I’d love to thank everyone personally for the support but I’m afraid I’d either forget or misspell someone’s name and that would lead to hurt feelings. So thank you to everyone who has read (and reviewed) Books 1-3. You’re the best. I can’t believe you read this far.

      Seriously, I can’t. There was a were-mermaid in Book 3. How did you not just stop reading right there? I love all of you.

      Chapter One:

      Are we doing this or what? I asked Djosar.

      Yes, he grunted. He was doing some ridiculous breathing exercise Jenny had taught him. He kept breathing in and out, dramatically. Hee-hoo. Hee-hoo. Hee-hoo.

      We were standing at the gatehouse to the castle, MY castle. Over the months we had been there, I had grown quite fond of it. If you ever get the chance to own a castle, I highly recommend it. I’d heard before that a man’s home is his castle, well let me add a man’s castle is his domain. Thankfully 764 Djinn take up a lot less room than you might imagine. The halls of our majestic abode were always bustling with traffic as the Djinn bandied about fulfilling my wishes. I had a lot of wishes fulfilled over the past few weeks. It doesn’t take much to put yourself on Fate’s radar, just deviate from their plan one too many times. Getting the attention of the other big wigs was a good deal harder.

      The streets of Lourdes had been packed since the grottos started healing people left and right, indiscriminately. There wasn’t a vacant hotel room in the city, and Lourdes has the second-most hotel rooms per square kilometer in all of France, after Paris.

      The Catholic church was having fits investigating the reported miracles spilling out of the French town. I had Djinn out at every hospital in Kansas, healing the sick. Just Kansas. Of the 760 lamps that Djonald, Djarepath, and Djina had brought back to me, 16 of their denizens were currently under oath to other wishers. Since I had no plans of returning them to their masters and there weren’t any other lamps out there for those owners to use to recover their own lamps, those Djinn became the magical equivalent of political prisoners. I allowed those who wanted rooms in the castle to take them, but the majority of the Djinn were more than happy to return to the comforts of their lamp when they weren’t fulfilling my wishes.

      Marijuana plants grew wild all over the world, except for Kansas. The plants grew faster than they could be cut down and burnt. Opium plants were dying on their vines, so to speak (I’m not actually sure if they grow on vines).

      Between the outbreak of pot plants, the breakout of the prison system, and the slowly dwindling supply of heroin, countries around the world were in complete chaos. It’s not exactly biblical prophecy, but you’d be amazed how close most governments are to the edge of complete bedlam.

      I had my own share of problems. The first few months of parenting can be pretty harrowing even with an army of genies. Jenny wasn’t getting much rest and Emmett still wasn’t sleeping through the night. You can’t imagine the confusion I caused with my minions by wishing for a Diaper Genie™.

      Tobias was slowly becoming his own person and an adorable little boy; we just had to keep him away from anything flammable. I did not want a repeat of the burning church incident occurring at our castle. The Djinn shared a special affection for Toby when they found out he had been born in Qaf. I don’t think Qaf actually has passports but if they did, the Djinn would have nominated him for citizenship in a heartbeat.

      Some of the elder Djinn even helped me formulate my current plans. My favorite oldhead, Djaavid, knew more about the magic behind wishes than Djosar and Djonald put together. The rules as they had been explained to me were often just an excuse for ignorance of how to fulfill the wish. Only when it is disbelieved can the impossible truly be achieved, was Djaavid’s motto. He had assembled a few of the older Djinn together in what I had jokingly referred to as my Djinktank. They would meet together in the common chambers and spitball wishes that I hadn’t thought of yet.

      The castle was currently under the protection of one of those wishes. With wards set in place on the Qaf side of Lourdes, no creature could enter the walls of the castle without an invitation. Djaavid assured me that this went for genies, angels, Fates and anyone on the gods’ green earth. Despite her inability to grant wishes, Djara had found a role as personal bodyguard to my family.

      Me? I had Djosar–big, fat, pregnant Djosar. He spent more time asking me to wish up pickles and peanut butter than he did protecting me, but I didn’t complain. I wouldn’t have changed places with him for the world.

      That should pretty much bring you up to speed. So where was I? Oh yeah, standing at the castle’s gatehouse.

      I can handle this. I can handle this, Jenny said.

      You trying to convince me or yourself? I asked.

      I’m not sure, she replied.

      I’m not sure about a lot of shit. I don’t know how well the dream thing is going to work for you. Djosar had never done it at all before he did it to me. We know it worked one way, no reason it shouldn’t work two-ways. Unless, we both fall asleep at the same time, then the universe might explode, or our heads. I’m not really worried. Djaavid and the oldheads think it will be fine. We’ll have to trust them. Just remember, when I say the word, you start rubbing that lamp; not before.

      Agreed. Don’t be long, okay?

      I have no idea how long genie labor takes. Tell me what the word is again.

      Blunderbuss.

      Man, I wish Kyle was here to hear that.

      You’re not funny.

      No, but I do love you. I’ll miss you, baby. I kissed Jenny and hugged her close to me.

      I’ll miss you too.

      Let’s do this, I said.

      Djosar, I wish you would take Dennis to Qaf and stay there with him until you’ve had the baby.

      It will–heee hooo–be done, Djosar said, grabbing hold of my shoulder.

      And away we went.

      Chapter Two:

      All I can say is that jetskiing has absolutely nothing on interdimensional travel. That shit was fun. Qaf was pretty much how I’d seen it through Jenny’s eyes. Its medieval drabness was a little bit drabbier in technicolor. The city of Lourdes wasn’t without architecture, it just seemed that any architectural innovation had stopped somewhere around the 17th or 18th century. I was willing to bet that Qaf had never had an industrial revolution.

      I cannot tell you how good it feels to be home, Djosar said.

      Yeah, well, you’re naked again, I replied.

      So are you, he countered. I looked down and sure enough, I was. Naked as the day I was born, though less covered in placenta slime. The transport between worlds was refreshlingly slime-free.

      There should be djamulkas where we left them, Djosar said. I gathered he was referring to the djamel skin togas he and Jenny had worn during her time here.

      Djamulkas? That’s what you call them? What do you call a yarmulke?

      A Jew hat, Djosar replied. Hee-hoo-hoo-hee…

      Sensitive. I glanced down the trodden lane into the city proper. "We’d better get a move on. Djonald was supposed to grab Djastain and bring her back to the church. We want to get inside and settled before those creepy-ass fireflies come around.

      They only fly at night, hoo-hee, Djosar said.

      Well, every minute we’re here we are burning hours back home. I’d like to just have this baby and get out of here. Maybe go see the old dark lord Iblis while we are here.

      You’re still going through with that? Djosar questioned. Frankly, he looked like shit. I don’t know if

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